Downton Abbey: Euphemisms for Sex

Posted on January 12, 2015

Downton-Abbey-Season-5-Episode-2-Television-Review-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO-PHOTORichard E. Grant and Elizabeth McGovern in “Downton Abbey” on PBS


Downton Abbey Season 5, episode 2

As per usual, change is in the air surrounding Downton, whether that’s signified by a wireless radio, a monarch becoming more human to his subjects, a lady planning a sexcation, or a butler arguing with his Lord.


Mary: Anna, aristocrats can’t buy birth control. It’s, like, in the Magna Carta or something. No one cares about you, so you do it.

Anna: Fine. But I think you’re kind of a slut.


Robert: Communist!

Tom: Monarchist!


Tom: I’ll take my baby and go! I mean it! Don’t push me!

Cora: Dear, can’t we just let Tom poison a minor aristocrat or something so he can feel better? I’m American, by the way. *vacant expression*


Lord Merton: I say! You look awfully pretty here in this room my bitch of a dead wife hated so much.

Isobel: I don’t take compliments well. Let’s talk about the importance of IN-SYOO-LIN.

Violet: Isobel and Lord Merton, sitting in a tree, K-I-S —

Isobel: Bitch, I’ll cut you.

Violet: Hee!


Mary: I’ll be going on a sketching holiday with Annabelle Portsmouth!

Robert: The fuck is a sketching holiday?

Edith: Whore.

Cora: *vacant expression*

Isobel: You should pack some IN-SYOO-LIN, just in case.

Rose: Am I the only one who can see what’s going on here?

Mrs. Hughes: No, dear.


Miss Bunting: Thank you for the invitation to dinner. In response, I’d like to tear down every choice you’ve ever made in your life and let you know how little I think of you for making them. Hope we can have sex soon!



Edith: Mama? Papa? I say, I think I’d rather enjoy renting a baby now and then.

Robert: And you are?

Cora: *vacant expression*


Carson: Mrs. Hughes, it bothers me that you don’t blindly support my every whim and opinion.

Mrs. Hughes: I simply can’t roll my eyes hard enough at you right now.


Rose: Oh, Uncle Robert! A wireless would be ever so much fun!

Robert: Change is evil.

Rose: You DO know your one daughter is planning a sex vacation and the other one is raising her illegitimate baby right under your nose, right?


Mary: Anna, in the future, we’ll be living in smaller rooms, and that’s why I … Look, I just need to get laid, all right?

Anna: Judging you.

Mary: Well, we all can’t get our own little limping murderer for a husband, now can we?

Anna: Bitch.

Mary: Fold this.


Richard E. Grant: I say! Your wild, American wife is a total babe!


Cora: *vacant expression*


Baxter: It’s true, Molesley. I’m a thief, a robber, a burglar, a swindler, a bandit, a criminal, a plunderer, a crook, a klepto, a BRIGAND!

Molesley: But WHY can’t you simply be the perfect fantasy woman who lives in my head?

Baxter: Is there any man in this house who isn’t a creepy loser?


Jimmy: I’m sorry to see the back of you, Thomas.

Thomas: Would the front suit you better?


Cora: Baxter, I wish you’d explain WHY you stole that jewelry and until you do, you’re staying right here, guarding all MY jewelry!

Baxter: As you wish, my lady. *steals bracelet*

Cora: *vacant expression*


Charles Blake: So you chose the pretty boy. You’ll get bored of him soon enough.

Mary: What? Sex? What are you sex talking about? I sex think I’m rather offended! Sex.

Charles: You’ll be back for this big, giant head soon. *mic drop*


Tony: Now that we’ve spent weeks discussing and planning for sex, let’s go out to eat.

Mary: Darling, I think I’d rather you put it in me straight away.



Honest to God, we’ve been looking over this for over an hour and we can’t think of one thing to add to it.



[Photo Credit: Nick Briggs/Carnival Films/MASTERPIECE]

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