Darlings, we have a MEGA F***-TON of stuff to show you today, but because it’s Monday morning and you need to be gently coached into starting your day, we opted to use asterisks instead of writing out “MEGA FUCK-TON,” which would have been rude of us.
We’re so thoughtful that way.
Dakota? Why don’t you come on out here and show these fine folks what you’re wearing, hon?
Oh, Dakota. We’re just so very happy that you started listening to us. Have we not been telling you for years to embrace bold colors and prints instead of ghostly schmattas that do nothing for you? There, there. No need to weep tears of gratitude, dear. This is thanks enough.
Incidentally, we stumbled across a hate thread about us last week in which the participants were actually complaining that we insist that celebrities really listen to us. It was hilariously pedantic and pretty much the Gold Standard of “Missing the Joke.” When someone pointed out it was likely a joke, no one missed a beat and then the conversation turned into “Yes it’s a joke, but THEY PROBABLY REALLY BELIEVE IT.”
Oh, Internet. We love you so.
The shape of the dress is a little weird, and we definitely would not have recommended those shoes, which pull focus way too much. But like we said, this is a girl in desperate need of color and pattern, so it’s hard to focus on the bad parts. We’re just glad she didn’t wear the shirt.
Now if we can just get her to understand the value of a good hair and makeup team…
[Photo Credit: Getty Images, Kenzo]
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