Helen Mirren in Dolce&Gabbana

Posted on November 27, 2012

Queen Helen of the Island of Fuckinfantastica? It’s time we had a talk.

Helen Mirren attends the premiere of ‘Hitchcock in Los Angeles in Dolce&Gabbana.

Dolce&Gabbana Fall 2012 Collection

It seems to us, in reading your red carpet tea leaves (which is something we just love to do), that as your 70th birthday looms on the horizon, you’ve been trying to find a way to transition your normally admirable fashion sense into something that reflects your hard-earned maturity. In other words, you’ve been trying to find ways to dress that still flatter you and make you look good, while not making the mistake of dressing too young for your age. We’re here to tell you: this is not the way, dear. You’ve somehow settled on a look that combines flashiness with all the trappings of stereotypical old lady clothes. That is to say, you’re wearing a Dolce & Gabbana dress with a lot of showy gold detailing, but it’s also a black lace dress with a hem that hits you at a very dowdy place. The result is a bizarre melange of disco-ready and widow.

Here is what we suggest: Stick with this shape, because you’ve still got the rocking bod. Stay away from sheers that force you to wear linings that mimic a bra because your girls ladies, bless them, need a lot of support at your age and the bra silhouette underneath the lace is gigantic. Also, it’s an odd choice to make when you’re clearly shooting for something demure. And stay away from the semi-ironic modern styles that call to mind old-world styles, which is something D&G practically revel in. Two dozen tiny little fetal models walking a runway in clothes that mimic the stereotypical Italian widow’s weeds? That’s fashion. Putting it on a 67-year-old? That’s just plain old widow’s weeds. If you love the lace that much, then wear a vibrant red or blue lace. That’ll at least keep it stylish without looking funereal. But really, this would have looked so much better on you if it was simply a fitted black dress with some gold detailing and a hem that stopped just at the knee. Lose the little QE2-style pocketbooks. Get yourself a nice gold clutch. And finally: NO OPEN-TOED SHOES WITH HOSE, DEAR. Please just stop on that one.


[Photo Credit: Andrew Evans/PR Photos, style.com]

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