Pairs Division: Pattinson and Stewart

Posted on November 15, 2011

Dolls, we don’t know if you heard, but there’s this Twilight movie thing coming out.


Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart attend “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1” Los Angeles Premiere. Kristen Stewart is wearing a J. Mendel dress.

J. Mendel Spring 2012 Collection/Model: Patricia van der Vliet

We don’t follow the Twilight thing at all, but this is the last one, right? Please tell us it’s the last one. You might ask, “But T Lo, if you don’t follow it, why do you care if it’s the last one or not?” To which we might be heard to reply, “True. True story. But we’re sick to death of the commercials and the hysteria and the ‘Team Sullen Actor A’ and ‘Team Affectless Actor B,’ and the shrieking mob of fans that are almost certainly going to go all jihad on us on twitter for saying this, and then there’s the fact that if this really IS the last one, then we only have to feature these two standing next to each other stiffly a couple more times.”

We’re talky sorts when you get us going.

Anyway, we can’t help but laugh at these two. It’s a sea of frantic hysteria surrounding them on all sides and they look like they couldn’t be bothered to pick their noses if boogies were dangling out of them. The one picture where they both manage to pull their faces into something we suppose resembles a smile, they are not only pushing away from each other, but look to be in physical pain. We’re telling you, ten years from now, western culture will wake up and say to itself, “What the HELL were we all going on about with that ‘Twilight’ thing?”

Hit it, you little ambassadors of cheer.

HE: Needs a mouthy publicist. Perhaps an obnoxious gay or a tiny little woman with a big mouth. Either will do. Because if he had a mouthy publicist, she’d tell him to not pose like that on the red carpet because it makes his suit look terrible. We’ve had our pictures taken as a couple enough times to know:

Standing Next to Each Other But Apart: Jacket closed.

Standing next to Each Other But with Your Arm Around Her Like You Like Her: Jacket open.

The gay kittens do tend to get pissed at us when we harp on this sort of thing. Suck it up, bros. The ladies constantly have to hear us rail against unflattering hem lengths and bad shoes. You can handle a little bitchiness yourselves.

Anyway, the posing is unfortunate, but the suit is pretty great. Score: 8/10. We just can’t with that fungal facial hair he has.

SHE: Is now free to leave the vampire stuff behind her and become the USO entertainer of her generation, bringing laughter, joy and song to our fighting men and women overseas. Expect a press release any day now. In the meantime, she’s wearing one KILLA dress. Makeup’s a bit on the heavy side (cue commentariat: “A BIT?!?“), but she has the kind of face that really looks good in the ultra-glam makeup mode. Our only points of contention are the hair, which seems kind of drab for such a POW! look and the shoes, which look standard and like an afterthought. Otherwise, she looks pretty amazing. Score: 8.5/10.


Combined Score: 8.25/10. Well done, pet rocks of the oughties.

Wait… Part ONE?


[Photo Credit: Tina Gill/PR Photos,]

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