Pairs Division: Chastain and Mirren

Posted on August 23, 2011

Darlings, it’s been so long since we’ve done a Pairs Division post! It’s been a long, dry summer on the red carpet.

Hit it, ladies:

Jessica Chastain and Helen Mirren attend “The Debt” screening at the Tribeca Grand Hotel. Jessica Chastain wears a Christian Dior dress and Helen Mirren wears Michael Kors.

Going left to right:

SHE: Obviously figured, “I’m playing a younger Helen Mirren, so I need to wrangle my tits and put them center stage!” The poor things look like they’re going to pop and fly around the room making farting noises. The skirt’s kind of cute, but foundation garment-inspired bustiers are kind of tired and we don’t like the minty green/sky blue color story at all. The hair’s okay, if a little “’80s lawyer” severe, but the eye makeup is atrocious and the ever-present silly putty pumps take the score on this one way down. We’ve seen just enough of her on the red carpet to declare her a gal in need of an intervention. She gets too many things wrong too consistently. Score: 4/10.

SHE: Obviously figured, “I’m Helen Mirren, so I need to wrangle my tits and put them center stage, but because I’ve been doing it longer than this chick has been alive, I know how to do it right.” And so she did. Now she needs a tutorial on dressing her lower half. We think she could have raised that skirt to knee level. We’d never ding a lady her age for wearing hose, but the combination of hose, a mid-calf hem, and too-busy shoes that she’s bursting out of are all combining to make her look quite bottom heavy. Helen, a  simple pump is an older gal’s best friend, assuming she wants to wear heels at all. These animal cage shoes are doing you a disservice, dear. Still, we like the dress and kind of love the sassy hair. Score: 7/10.

Combined score: 5.5/10. Helen, help the girl out and give her a tit tutorial. You both need a shoe tutorial.

Photo Credit: Neilson Barnard/Getty Images]

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