Darlings, we’ve featured the bird-women, the shield-maidens, and the lady explosions, and now there’s only one category of Miss Universe national costume left to run down. The lazy ladies who just slapped on a dress and opted for sweetness or sexiness as her main goals.
Hit it, Basics.
“Albania welcomes you and opens its skirt flaps wide for you!
It’s not weird!”
“Come to Georgia, where I can get you a good deal on all this fabric!”
“Mmmmmmm, Croatia is feeling so yummy right now!
Fake panty flash! Gotcha!”
“Just here to remind you that all of this (*indicates entire arena*) arises out of an ancient story that positions women both as the ultimate in beauty and the ultimate in temptation and evil, which naturally led to millennia of subjugation and devaluation.
Also, I totally thought this apple was real when I bit into it for effect. Shit.”
“MWAH! Miss Denmark agrees! Miss Denmark loves all people and has come here to meet them! Especially tall, broad-shouldered single people under 50, with penises, who make a lot of money!
“Jesus, dial it back, girl. New Zealand is here to party and get laid. New Zealand is always here to party and get laid.”
“Fly PolishAir! Our in-flight entertainment? Watching stewardesses trip and fall all over the plane!”
“Come to Romania, where we all dress like hookers crashing a royal wedding.”
“Check this, you guys.
“That’s not how you — whatever. Czech girls wave their hands in the air like they just don’t care. Also, I’m seeing a lot of really sad flower crowns on this stage.”
“Please. Everyone in Slovak Republic knows that flower crown is pointless without huge denim gown to go with it.”
“In Slovenia, we really DO re-use our old bridesmaid dresses!”
“…AND WHEN THE SPERM REACHES THE OVUM, THE MIRACLE OF LIFE CAN BEGIN!
THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!”
[Photo Credit: Alex Mertz, Anthony Yu, Tom Starkweather/Miss Universe Organization]