Darlings, it’s the most wonderful time of the year! We thank whatever bitchy blogger gods there may be for sending us both the Victoria’s Secret runway show and the Miss Universe pageant, the two largest and most fabulous female drag shows in the world, to help everyone’s holidays be that much more colorful and sparkly. And insane, of course. TOTALLY insane.
It seems to us the ladies are more and more in on the joke with each new contest, and that can have both good and bad consequences. Good, because a greater number of contestants are embracing full-on insanity instead of just folk costumes or evening gowns with flags on them. Bad, because the really funny ones rob us of our constitutional rights to make jokes at their expense, dammit.
Still, it’s hard not to see the patterns that emerge in these examples of national finery. They tend to say less about the country being represented and more about the various ways femininity is interpreted across-the-board. In other words, it’s less about the differences than it is about the similarities. We’re sure far more clever people could write an examination of why, for instance, angelic figures and bird-women are such popular motifs. Or why women are so often associated with flowers. Us? We’d rather just put funny words in their mouths.
“Do you see, world? Do you see how good Serbian women are? Am I being too subtle?”
“Please. Polish women know that wings are for SPREADING. And the heads of our women are for HUGE CROWNS.”
“Denmark stands with Poland on the question of wings. We differ, however on the head adornment issue. Dead geese show that we are valued and respected.”
“Why are white women so afraid of a little color? Loosen up, bitches.”
“HELL, YEAH! AS LONG AS THOSE COLORS ARE RED, WHITE AND BLUE, AMIRITE?
I AM SOARING ON THE SPARKLY WINGS OF FREEDOM, MOTHERFUCKERS!”
“Guys, I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I am, like, literally molting right now.”
“Can we get off the wing thing for a moment? My costume designer is a 7-year-old girl. Haha, no. He is a 35-year-old queen who loves Mariah Carey. Hopefully, this is the worst thing that happens to me tonight.”
“Oh, are we doing flora now?
Costa Rica is famous for its breakfast cereal, ‘Tits n’ Berries!'”
“I. Would. Fucking. KILL. To look like an alien sex organ right now.”
“Yeah, well. It’s not exactly fun wearing a swamp, you know.
THERE ARE THINGS MOVING IN THIS HAT.”
“Singapore laughs affectionately at her less beautiful flower-sisters. We understand, perhaps as no other country does, that one must unite the bird kingdom and the flower kingdom, to show that women are of both worlds; the sky and the earth.
Bitches, I have flower wings!”
“You think you’re the only country that likes a little glitter in their wings? COME AT ME, HO.”
“The Bahamian Dragon Women have no time or respect for little golden angel figurines and silly feathered prostitutes.”
“You and me in the parking lot, Bahamas. Fifteen minutes. Pick your second.”
[Photo Credit: Richard D. Salyer, Patrick Prather]
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Miss Universe 2015, Part 2: Good Girls and Supervillains!