Miss Universe 2015, Part 1: Angels, Birds, and Flowers!

Posted on December 21, 2015

Darlings, it’s the most wonderful time of the year! We thank whatever bitchy blogger gods there may be for sending us both the Victoria’s Secret runway show and the Miss Universe pageant, the two largest and most fabulous female drag shows in the world, to help everyone’s holidays be that much more colorful and sparkly. And insane, of course. TOTALLY insane.

It seems to us the ladies are more and more in on the joke with each new contest, and that can have both good and bad consequences. Good, because a greater number of contestants are embracing full-on insanity instead of just folk costumes or evening gowns with flags on them. Bad, because the really funny ones rob us of our constitutional rights to make jokes at their expense, dammit.

Still, it’s hard not to see the patterns that emerge in these examples of national finery. They tend to say less about the country being represented and more about the various ways femininity is interpreted across-the-board. In other words, it’s less about the differences than it is about the similarities. We’re sure far more clever people could write an examination of why, for instance, angelic figures and bird-women are such popular motifs. Or why women are so often associated with flowers. Us? We’d rather just put funny words in their mouths.

 

 

Miss Serbia
13-Miss-Serbia-Miss-Universe-2015-National-Costumes-Tom-Lorenzo-Site

“Do you see, world? Do you see how good Serbian women are? Am I being too subtle?”

 

Miss Poland
11-Miss-Poland-Miss-Universe-2015-National-Costumes-Tom-Lorenzo-Site

“Please. Polish women know that wings are for SPREADING. And the heads of our women are for HUGE CROWNS.”

 

Miss Denmark
6-Miss-Denmark-Miss-Universe-2015-National-Costumes-Tom-Lorenzo-Site

“Denmark stands with Poland on the question of wings. We differ, however on the head adornment issue. Dead geese show that we are valued and respected.”

 

Miss Haiti
8-Miss-Haiti-Miss-Universe-2015-National-Costumes-Tom-Lorenzo-Site

“Why are white women so afraid of a little color? Loosen up, bitches.”

 

Miss USA
15-Miss-USA-Miss-Universe-2015-National-Costumes-Tom-Lorenzo-Site

“HELL, YEAH! AS LONG AS THOSE COLORS ARE RED, WHITE AND BLUE, AMIRITE?

I AM SOARING ON THE SPARKLY WINGS OF FREEDOM, MOTHERFUCKERS!”

 

Miss Angola
1-Miss-Angola-Miss-Universe-2015-National-Costumes-Tom-Lorenzo-Site

“Guys, I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I am, like, literally molting right now.”

 

Miss Colombia
4-Miss-Colombia-Miss-Universe-2015-National-Costumes-Tom-Lorenzo-Site

“Can we get off the wing thing for a moment? My costume designer is a 7-year-old girl. Haha, no. He is a 35-year-old queen who loves Mariah Carey. Hopefully, this is the worst thing that happens to me tonight.”

 

Miss Costa Rica
5-Miss-Costa-Rica-Miss-Universe-2015-National-Costumes-Tom-Lorenzo-Site

“Oh, are we doing flora now?

*ahem*

Costa Rica is famous for its breakfast cereal, ‘Tits n’ Berries!'”

 

Miss British Virgin Islands
3-Miss-British-Virgin-Islands-Miss-Universe-2015-National-Costumes-Tom-Lorenzo-Site“Let’s not use the term ‘doing flora,’ okay? I look like an alien sex organ.”

 

Miss Nigeria
10-Miss-Nigeria-Miss-Universe-2015-National-Costumes-Tom-Lorenzo-Site

“I. Would. Fucking. KILL. To look like an alien sex organ right now.”

 

Miss Mauritius
9-Miss-Mauritius-Miss-Universe-2015-National-Costumes-Tom-Lorenzo-Site

“Yeah, well. It’s not exactly fun wearing a swamp, you know.

THERE ARE THINGS MOVING IN THIS HAT.”

 

Miss Singapore
14-Miss-Singapore-Miss-Universe-2015-National-Costumes-Tom-Lorenzo-Site

“Singapore laughs affectionately at her less beautiful flower-sisters. We understand, perhaps as no other country does, that one must unite the bird kingdom and the flower kingdom, to show that women are of both worlds; the sky and the earth.

Bitches, I have flower wings!”

 

Miss Germany
7-Miss-Germany-Miss-Universe-2015-National-Costumes-Tom-Lorenzo-Site“Yes, let’s get back to wings. Germany, for instance, understands that its Angel Women deserve no less than to be showered in gold.”

 

Miss Russia
12-Miss-Russia-Miss-Universe-2015-National-Costumes-Tom-Lorenzo-Site

“You think you’re the only country that likes a little glitter in their wings? COME AT ME, HO.”

 

Miss Bahamas
2-Miss-Bahamas-Miss-Universe-2015-National-Costumes-Tom-Lorenzo-Site

“The Bahamian Dragon Women have no time or respect for little golden angel figurines and silly feathered prostitutes.”

 

Miss Venezuela
16-Miss-Venezuela-Miss-Universe-2015-National-Costumes-Tom-Lorenzo-Site

“You and me in the parking lot, Bahamas. Fifteen minutes. Pick your second.”

 

 

[Photo Credit: Richard D. Salyer, Patrick Prather]

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  • Claire

    Miss Costa Rica carried a watermelon

    • happygolucky7

      You win.

    • cousinelizabeth

      Yes, it looks like a watermelon but I think it’s a basket full of fresh coffee beans, Costa Rica is famous for its coffee and, now I understand it, also for its drags.

      • Karen B

        We are not that literal here. See Dancing, Dirty.

      • DCinUSA

        Yep. Coffee beans.

  • Anna

    There are A LOT of naked birds and empty craft stores around the world right now.

    “My costume designer is a 7-year-old girl. Haha, no. He is a 35-year-old queen who loves Mariah Carey Hopefully, this is the worst thing that happens to me tonight.” DYING and bowing down to you. Can’t wait for the rest!

    • Stacy C

      That was my favorite too… lol lol lol

      • Anna Vasquez

        Same, bc I am a straight 30-something female and this is totally the costume I would have designed. I um, non-ironically love it.

      • Inspector_Gidget

        Even funnier because she looks disturbingly like Agent Carter.

    • evave2

      Not enough boob to be a Mariah Carey fan. And I say that with love.

    • Jeremiah Capacillo

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

      In all seriousness though, I feel so bad for her!

    • Nancy Arseneault-Heald

      Yeah.. That killed me. My husband thought I was choking.

      I love how America always seems to dial it up to eleven.

  • tryinnottobetoojudgy

    Miss Nigeria is straight up pissed. You just know she’s going to wail on that costume designer at some point: Bitch, you try walking in 5-inch heels, with a dress that binds you at the knees, a tree on your head, and strings of beads over your eyes!

    • GemFemme

      I oddly love this costume. It reminds me a bit of McQueen.

      • In_Stitches

        It reminds me more of The Predator, but oddly, that just makes me love it all the more.

      • tryinnottobetoojudgy

        Actually, the dress and headpiece are beautiful. It’s the fern growing out of the top of her head that l cannot fathom. The color is gorgeous on her.

        • StrictTime

          I agree. I think the dress is the best one in this group. The plastic Boston Fern has to go, however.

          • savvy blackbird

            It looks like when she sat down in the green room the sad plastic fern that’s hung on the wall since the late ’80s got caught on her headdress, and her stylist just told her to go with it.

  • MarissaLG

    LOVING Miss Singapore out of this group, but I really do look forward to this recap every year!

  • Karen B

    Miss Bahamas was dressed by Courtney Act, right?
    Miss Nigeria is a frickin house plant.
    And Miss USA’s boot-shoe-torture device things are frickin’ amazing and belong on a drag stage.

    • Poeta Paz

      Miss USA boot reminded me of Forrest Gump and the running scene.

      • 3boysful

        Exactly. I thought they were polio leg braces.

        • savvy blackbird

          Didn’t last year’s USA costume include fetishwear as well?

      • greyhoundgirl

        Kinky Boots

    • Nicole

      Dude, Miss USA for the win this year. I have never been so proud of our country at a beauty pageant until I woke up this morning and saw that glorious, shiny, feathered suit of armor. If I were her, I’d wear it all the time, especially doing mundane chores.

      • Karen B

        OH sparkles and feathers is never enough for THE WIN. THE WIN must evoke laughter, fear, and possibility of a Party City knock-off

      • scoobysnacks

        The upkeep with the waxing though. That’d be what did me in. Do you go in to have that done and ask for the “80s aerobics instructor”?

        • Nicole

          HAHAHA. I have soda in my nose!

    • SunDevilWitch

      Are those…leg-wrap-shoe-things slides? As in FILM? As in,”I am the Garish Goddess Hollywood, worship me!!”

  • YoungSally

    Miss Nigeria is dressed like an 80s fern bar.

  • colleenjanel

    Miss Nigeria rightfully looks pissed. She is a walking planter.

    • Introspective

      correction, a walking 70s fake fern planter.

  • Capt. Renault

    Christmas is here! OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY!

  • Scimommy

    Miss Bahamas’ costume is a crime against humanity. Pathetically horrible.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Somewhere in Nigeria there is a fern bar that proudly made the ultimate sacrifice for this pageant.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Singapore is the most tasteful here, I think. For certain values of “tasteful.”

    • ireneY

      Bunny ears notwithstanding.

  • Tea Addict

    Lol this is all the coffee I need. Also, congratulations Philippines! It was awkward, probably most awkward moment on tv, but yay. Lol.

    • Trixie A. Cooper

      The irony here is that she is much more likely to be remembered 6 months from now than had Harvey done the announcing correctly.

      • Karen B

        Yet still forgotten by the time next year’s rating roll around.

  • PlethoraofBooks

    LOL “let’s hope this is the worst thing that can happen to me tonight!”

    • Gayer Than Thou

      If I had a dime…

    • evave2

      I love every single one of these captions. But this particular one is golden.

    • Luca

      poor girl!

      but that was hilarious, yes 😛

    • yayito83

      Literally that worst thing thah could’ve happened, happened!

  • Miss BVI is why there were no pipecleaners left for your kid’s holiday crafts.

    • VCR1

      That would be the best thing ever, both the VS “fashion” show and Ms. Universe are over the top so why not??

    • Gayer Than Thou

      And Rubik’s Cube panties.

    • savvy blackbird

      Russia, Poland, Germany and Austria all have eagles as part of their country’s symbols. I think it would be a safe bet that the same designer did all those costumes. I imagine the hairstylist from Princess Diaries. Oh, no, nobody else will be wearing wings. You look fine as an eagle. Canada is going as a MOOSE!!!

  • JerFeist

    I like that Miss Angola went out as Kennedy Davenport’s Death Becomes Her look.

    And the Miss Phillipines caption had me full-on witch cackling,

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Do you mean Miss Colombia?

      • JerFeist

        Yes I did. Thanks for catching my pre-coffee mistake!

        • Gayer Than Thou

          Hey – you and Steve Harvey have something in common! ;o)

          • JerFeist

            It is my mistake. Still a great night!

  • steph

    THIS, is the best thing I am going to read all day.
    Miss Venezuela for the win for me.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Because I went to a public school, there are gaps in my education. Like, for instance, the event or theme in American history that is being referenced by Miss USA’s thigh-high bondage boot things.

    • YousmelllikeAnnaWintour

      Really? You didn’t learn about that? I did my 8th grade history term paper on thigh-high bondage boot things.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Is it part of the Monroe Doctrine? Because I skimmed a lot of that reading.

        • Watts

          Marshall Plan. It was actually about marshaling thighs.

    • savvy blackbird

      as a Southerner, I’m staying out of any conversations on bondage…

    • scoobysnacks

      I assumed from the first part of your sentence that it involved looking up where Mauritius was. Oh public school education in geography, thou hast forsaken me!

      Regarding the thigh-highs, I may have some insight. Having developed an obsession with learning about the main historical figures in the musical Hamilton, I was reading Sarah Vowell’s book about Lafayette, and she quoted Rousseau’s “Man is born free, and everywhere he is in chains.” I believe Miss USA was referencing The Social Contract and its influence on our Founding Fathers. Or something…

  • sgac37

    Serbia made the mistake of trying to be tasteful. That’s a gorgeous dress.

    I think British Virgin Islands must be representing some real jungle plant, that probably smells like rotting meat and is pollinated by an endangered species of moth.

    But I feels sorriest for Nigeria. At least Angola looks like she might be having some fun with hers.

    • quiltrx

      Serbia is like the girl in Drop Dead Gorgeous with the World’s Largest Ball of Twine…”I….I think I misunderstood the assignment!”

  • Pennymac

    MY FAVORITE POSTS OF THE ENTIRE YEAR!

  • GemFemme

    YES! My favorite TLo posts!

    Somebody please make “Tits n’ Berries” a real cereal.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Honey Frosted Tits ‘n’ Berries!

  • Joanna

    Lost it with Miss Nigeria, hahaha!

    • random_poster

      So did I. There is a plastic fern on top of her head!

  • Steven Elliott

    Angola logic: Let’s cover your face with a mask to make a political statement about how Western beauty standards mean you are automatically disadvantaged in this competition!

    • savvy blackbird

      you can’t even tell what colour her skin is!

  • How prophetic…your comment on Miss Columbia. If only…

  • Ashleigh

    Ms. Nigeria looked pretty cool – for having a fern on her head!

  • Missy

    Baby was up teething all night last night. This is the Monday thing I needed. BLESS YOU. BLESS YOU BOTH.

  • prisma

    It was only when saw the “Girl, That’s Not Your Crown. ‪#‎Awkward‬” post on Facebook last night and realized it was the most wonderful time of the year. Anxiously awaiting the followup posts!

  • sugarkane105

    “Hopefully this is the worst thing that happens to me tonight.”

    LOL. Poor Colombia.

  • evave2

    After all these years, I am compelled to ask: do you guys watch the show or just look at photos of the contestants? I cannot imagine watching this show. And then to find out Steve Harvey misread the name of the WINNER. And then corrected it AFTER he gave the wrong woman the crown. Oh, sweet baby Jesus.

  • “Hopefully, this is the worst thing that happens to me tonight.””
    *cries*

  • The funniest recap EVER. I genuflect in your general direction, TLo.

  • Wendi126

    I have a great desire to sit under Miss Nigeria and order a piece of quiche and a glass of Chardonnay.

    • Gatita

      LOLOL

  • You know, for Russian women, that’s just an outfit for any old Saturday night out.

    • BetteDavisFan

      Heh heh, yeah. Are you Русский?

  • BizR32

    Did the Mummers move to Las Vegas???

  • MilaXX

    Ms Angola wins simply because she went fulll on beak. Runner up Ms Ngeria as a potted plant.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      You know it’s a bad night when you go on international TV with a beak on your face, and that’s not nearly the most awkward thing that happens.

      • MilaXX

        Not even close

    • manina

      She reminds me of Fawkes from Harry Potter.

    • Jacob Daniel

      Ms. Nigeria and her upside down macrame plant holder is EVERYTHING!

  • steph

    Go Miss Poland!
    Rocking the giant ass crown.

  • Miss Bahamas picks Miss Nigeria as her second. She’s got some pent up anger.

  • Tiff79

    Miss USA looks like Captain America’s version of porn.
    I’m officially starting a pool for how long it will be until Kim K. steals Miss Bahama’s naked jumpsuit.

    • Jenn Adrien

      Miss Bahamas, with her teal spermatatoa boobs and blue flame crotch?

      • Tiff79

        Yep. The next level of naked gowns is wearing your reproductive organs outside your clothes.

  • MirasWay

    Ms. Denmark. Black thigh-high leather hooker boots. That is all.

    • cowper

      She’s got both Christmas and Halloween costumes rolled into one!

  • Belle239

    Miss Mauritius looks like somebody’s crazy aunt. Let’s invite her to our next party! That headgear is hilarious. Love the recap so far!

  • l v

    I legitimately nearly did a coffee spit-take at some of these captions. This might be my favorite segment every year.

  • TriniMamacita

    Really sad that my country Trinidad and Tobago did not send a contestant this year. We always bring the feathers

  • ChiKat67

    It really IS the most wonderful time of the year!!!

  • YousmelllikeAnnaWintour

    THIS MADE MY MORNING!!! 🙂

  • I appreciate Ms Denmark’s hooker boots under her angel get up.

  • Tee

    For this round, Miss Nigeria won it for me. When alien sex organ is is a step up, you had me at KILL.

  • ashtangajunkie

    The possibility of this post was the first thing I thought of when I learned that Miss Universe was yesterday. It’s the most wonderful time of year!

  • MK03

    Of course that’s what they made Miss USA wear. Just……of course.

  • DeniseSchipani

    “I hope this is the worst thing that happens to me tonight” — Miss Columbia. Hahahahaha! Steve Harvey!

  • Brenna McClellan

    Miss Bahamas looks like she’s cosplaying Vaporeon

  • anotherkate

    So is Miss Colombia related to Sophia Vergara, or do they just have the same surgeon? The resemblance is UNCANNY! I missed the national costumes portion of the show, so I love recapping it here! USA wasn’t playing, huh?

    • savvy blackbird

      When I first saw the headline about Steve Harvey, I wondered why they were showing a picture of Sophia Vergara from her pageant days.

  • lilibetp

    Can’t help giggling at what you said for Colombia.

  • I’m Polish American so I always look for Ms. Poland. The previous contestants had more sophisticated costumes in the past.

    This year’s coat of arms costume (a white eagle) reflects the alarming growth of Polish nationalism.

    • savvy blackbird

      I think many countries jumped on the Eagle symbolism as nationalism. I’m just happy that Russia went with the one head.

      • I mean that this is pretty overt patriotism compared to previous years. It reminded me of what I keep reading in the news and hearing from family members

  • Inspector_Gidget

    America, America. Whatever God shed on thee, it wasn’t his grace. Tack-o-rama!

  • Sara J

    You have this tagged under “Miss Universe 2012” – just thought you’d like to know since it didn’t show up with the other 2015 posts. Thanks, and I ADORE this every year!!

  • “I hope this is the worst thing that happens to me tonight.” HAHAHAHAHA.

  • Mary Carpenter

    Just to let you know, I’m am embroidering this on a pillow: I AM SOARING ON THE SPARKLY WINGS OF FREEDOM, MOTHERFUCKERS!

  • Starts with K

    I giggled with glee when I saw that Miss Universe was on last night because I knew that meant today would be AWESOME! And so it is. Thank you TLo!

  • ThaliaMenninger

    Does Miss USA have duck tape on her legs? Invented in America, bitches!

    • SunDevilWitch

      I actually think it’s supposed to be film?! Because…Hollywood? Wtf knows, really…

  • Miss B.

    Miss Venezuela’s costumer should win an AWARD!

  • EEKstl

    “THERE ARE THINGS MOVING IN THIS HAT.” Probably shouldn’t have been eating a Cheetoh at that moment. Nearly choked to death.

  • NBG

    Miss Venezuela is winner of everything.

  • Nerka2

    Angels In…. Serbia? Wrong play.

  • lovelyivy

    May I say, your commentary on these costumes is the only reason I ever know this pageant exists. So, well done TLo!

  • Beth Swartz

    I’m going to have to revisit these ladies later this week, after a few (read, several) drinks, to totally submerse myself in this insanity, which I can’t properly do on a Monday. This is glorious.

    • A_guy01

      I hear you so hard I am practically a giant ear.

  • Mary from Boston

    It IS the most wonderful time of the year! Thanks, uncles, for my early present!

  • alyce1213

    As wings go, I’m all for Miss Russia. What are they made of?? I want a closeup of those wings.

  • Kaonashi

    I love this so much! Well done, TLo!

  • onetinkerbell

    I was laughing so hard at these I don’t know if I can get through the next 3 sets. But I thought Denmark was wearing a swan, not a goose? I think it’s a reference to Hans Christian Andersen and the Ugly Duckling? Maybe I’m wrong.

    • Beardslee

      That’s what I thought too.

    • StrictTime

      I thought Bjork. Those nutty northern Europeans.

  • Ssquared1105

    Anybody else want to see Miss Venezuela and Miss Bahamas do a choreographed routine to “The Ten Duel Commandments” from Hamilton based on TLo’s comments?

    • PastryGoddess

      *dead*

  • So funny, TLo! So very funny!

    Miss Bahamas had the most jaw-dropping daring costume in this set, though I think I love Miss Venezuela best. She’s ready to clear — or clean — a room.

  • bitchybitchybitchy

    This is an early Christmas gift from my very favorite gay uncles!

  • joything

    VENEZUELA has my bet for that parking lot s/ho-down!

    • SunDevilWitch

      “S/ho-down”, FTW.

  • Winterlight

    Denmark is in a sheer tutu topped with a nonsheer tutu and thigh high boots, and somehow that was not the most insane look tonight.

  • roche

    If only that dress was the worst thing to happen to Miss Columbia — poor gal. I think that erroneous crowing was a first.

  • Courtney

    This was just what my co-workers and I needed on the last day before holiday break. We giggled like fiends all through lunch, and dramatic readings were performed. British Virgin Islands was the hands down favorite.

    • demidaemon

      Wish I could have been a fly on the wall for that!

  • quiltrx

    I wait for this all year! It’s Bitter Kitten Christmas, and I’m so happy I could shit.
    (it’s been an awful day, and these posts are all that’s keeping me from running amok.)

  • cocohall

    “There are things moving in this hat.” God help me, that is where the tears of laughter started rolling down my face. On to the next two recaps – this is the most wonderful thing to find on TLO after a day spent baking and wrapping. Thank You, Gentleman.

  • savvy blackbird

    Miss Bahamas has her eyes closed because she’s trying not to cry from the pain of her boobs being squished and that if she moves wrong, she’ll either flash everyone or get a nasty cameltoe, and oh, they didn’t remove all the wax when they gave me a Brazilian two seconds before I went onstage.

  • sarcasticcupcakes

    The only thing I can’t figure out is how the hell Miss USA walked in those torture contraptions.

  • SunDevilWitch

    I’m late to this festival of wonderment this year, but so, so grateful you do this for us. Bless Miss Universe for providing the world with such an opportunity and bless you, Uncles, for taking the time to properly display its… WTF-edness. Happy Holidays, indeed!