Musical Monday: The Wizard of Oz

Posted on December 22, 2014

 

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Yes, darlings! It’s The Wizard of Oz! The tale of an epic clash between powerful witches and the disturbed little girl they use as a pawn in their ancient war to gain control of a faraway land!

Because bitches be CRAZY about their shoes!

 

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Our story starts here, with Dorothy Dirtwalker, a sullen, anti-social troublemaker who lives a hardscrabble life on a soundstage, her only friend a small, fanged, rat-like creature who tends to run away from her every chance it gets.  She has named it “Toto,” which, in the ancient language of her people means “small, fanged, rat-thing.”

 

 

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Dorothy is looked after by her Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen, who never have time for her foolishness because they’re too busy trying to eke out a living on a farm that gets no sunlight. They are, understandably, stressed out and miserable all the time.

 

 

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Dorothy finds herself bored by life in The Shire and can’t even work up the energy to berate the migrant workers, which usually cheers her right up. She wants more out of life than all this shit-colored boredom she wakes up to every day.

 

 

Dorothy, having never seen a color in her life, has no idea what a rainbow is, but she once heard her Aunt use the word and she assumes it’s a sexual position of some sort. She winds up running away from home not long after this musical interlude.

 
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But because home is located on a soundstage, she only gets a few feet before she encounters a crazy homeless man and decides to head back.

 

 

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Meanwhile, back at the farm, the workers revolt and take Aunt May and Uncle Ben hostage.

 

 

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Screaming with primal rage, Dorothy vows to find the kidnappers and flay them alive.

 

 
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Taking refuge from the raging storm, Dorothy finds herself stuck in Hill House for the night, tormented by demonic visions.

Or it was drugs.

 

 

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Yeah. Drugs.

 

 

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Suddenly, a drag queen appears.

 

 

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Sparkles informs Dorothy she’s in the Land of Oz and that she best watch herself because she’s talking to a witch.

 

 

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She also informs her of the local shopping possibilities which have just opened up for her now that she’s killed someone.

 

 

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“You’re quite fucked at the moment, my dear. Say, they look like they might fit you!”

 

 

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Tyrion Lannister arrives to confirm that Dorothy is, in fact, a death-bringer.

 

 

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Since she happened to land right as they were launching their Munchkin Gay Pride parade, the frightening little babyclown people decide to make her their Grand Marshall.

 

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We don’t care what anyone else thinks or whether it’s the polite thing to say…

 

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The Munchkins are fucking creepy.

 

 

 

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Suddenly, a dirty bomb goes off in the city!

 

 

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And the Wicked Witch Who Didn’t Get A House Dropped On Her appears, righteously pissed off.

 

 
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“Slow your roll, Vina. There’s been a power shift.”

 

 

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“Just go with me on this, dear. I see an opportunity that could benefit both of us. Now smile and give me pretty feet.”

 

 

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“Attagirl.”

 

 

 

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“As you can see, She-Hulk, Princess Pigtails here is now the bearer of the One True Pumps and while her dress sense is tragic to say the least, you’ve got to admit, she knows how to use a house as a weapon.”

 

 

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“Now fuck off! Go see if you can peddle your bullshit in Narnia or Wonderland, whoreface! HAHA!”

 

 

 

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Frustrated, the Witch leaves, incinerating a dozen or so Munchkins on her way out. Their dying shrieks echo for long moments after the smoke clears.

 

 

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“Wow, that could have gone better, hunh? Too bad you had to go and get mouthy about her sister’s shoes, right?. You should probably get out of here.”

 

 

The Munchkins are weird about giving directions.  The Munchkins are weird, period.

Dorothy leaves their confines with some relief.

 

 

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Just outside the city limits, she meets Scarewise Crowgee, who has learning disabilities and some bone density problems.

 

 

Also, no central nervous system, apparently. Basically, he’s imaginary and Dorothy’s just talking to a pile of rags. She takes it with her.

 

 

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Later, they meet a gay robot.

 

 

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Like literally everyone else Dorothy meets in this land o’ dysfunction, he immediately unloads all his shit on her. The entire population of Oz clearly needs more therapists and less witches flying around. These people are all dying to talk about their problems to the first stranger they see.

Granted, he’s probably just a pile of cans she’s talking to.

 
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The WWW unveils her latest plan to prevent houses from dropping on her – standing on top of them. So far, it appears to be working.

 

 

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Later, in Fangorn Forest, the trio is attacked by an Ewok with a steroid addiction.

 

 

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He proves himself to be less than impressive due to his debilitating vision problems.

 

 

He explains that he is, in fact, the living etymology of the slang term, “pussy.”

 

 

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Meanwhile, back at Castle Black, Endora reveals her plans to her trusted lieutenants, the Poop Eaters.

Y’know, those little blue-faced freaks were nightmare fuel for generations of children, but you have to admit, they had a jaunty little sense of style. Those little bolero jackets are darling.

 

 

 

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Krypto suddenly drops dead of a heart attack!

 

 

 

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When Dorothy succumbs to Mrs. Castavet’s magic poppies, Asslan, the T-100, and Raggedy Andy pretty much stand around crying and doing nothing, as per the usual.

 

 

 

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Hearing their cries, The Lady Galindriel bestows her magic gifts upon the beleaguered group.

 

 

 

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Cocaine’s a hell of a drug.

 

 

 

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Revitalized, Dorothy, Froto, T3PO, Samwise and Jewbacca head off to Rivendell, Land of the Dildos.

 

 

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The customs of the city are strange to them and they are berated by a succession of gay leprechauns for their rube-like ways.

 

Every last person in the city is color blind and suffers from a form of mania.
 

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Suddenly, another terrorist attack on the city!

 

 

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“‘Surp?’ The fuck does that mean?”

 

 

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The gay and lesbian community of Oz is shocked and outraged and demand action.

 

Meanwhile, Dorothy and the Rebel Alliance engage in a little light vandalism to pass the time.

 

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Introducing herself as “Surp,” Dorothy gains an audience with Balok, the Wizard of Oz. He’s a nasty queen with anger and intimacy issues as well as what looks to be a raging motherfucker of a headache. He says he’ll help them with their so-called “problems,” if they’ll just, you know, kill the supremely powerful witch who hates them. With no other choices before them, the Fellowship of the Pumps heads off to Mount Doom.

 

 

 

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Delighted at the news that she is expecting company, Maleficent releases the orcs.

You have to admit, she’s a fabulous, take-charge kind of woman. Didn’t understand proportions well, but at least she knew what she wanted.

 

 

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All through the night, the League of Glitter Pumps fiught their way through Mordor, killing winged Smurfs by the thousands, staining their hands permanently with their deep azure blood. None of them notice that Dorothy got kidnapped hours before.

 

 

 

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Meanwhile, back at Castle Chocula…

 

 

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Poison Ivy rants to Dorothy about her debilitating arthritis and announces her intention to kill her just as soon as her anti-inflammatories kick in.

 

 

 

 

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Dorothy tries to Skype with her aunt to say her goodbyes, but Minas Morgul has terrible wi-fi.

 

 

 

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Meanwhile, Worf, Data and Wesley have snuck into the castle to rescue Princess Payless.

 

 

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When she discovers them fleeing, Bellatrix LOSES HER SHIT. Even the monkeys are all “Oh, man. I’m out of here.”

 

 

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Dorothy, having had more than enough of this crap, is all, “Hey, you need to cool down, lady. Have some of my Evian and shut the fuck up.”

 

 

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“BOOM. Mike dropped. Pay up, bitch.”

 

 

 

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Emperor Palpatine is not impressed and tries to back out of the deal.

 

 

 

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Tito Jackson’s all “Oh, FUCK this shit.”

 

 

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“You stupid apes are lucky to have me. You couldn’t smell a cat’s asshole if it sat on your face.”

 

 

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His ruse exposed, the elderly con man plies the not-particularly-bright adventurers with trinkets and bullshit…

 

 

 

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And quickly escapes the color blind hordes. Dorothy is furious and vows to spend the rest of her days hunting down the fast-talking sociopath and taking him apart, piece by piece.

 

 

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Suddenly Strawberry Shortcake appears and is all, “Oh, did I not mention? The pumps’ll get you home, dear. Really, one would think you’d have figured that out by now.”

 

 

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Disappointed with Dorothy, she hits her very sharply on the head with her wand, knocking her out.

 

 

 

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She awakens in a shit-colored, devastated landscape in the ruins of what was once her home, surrounded by leering old men and an aunt who hates her for her youth. Dorothy vows that some day, she will hunt down the lying, cheating Pink Witch and make her eat that stupid wand.

 

 

[Stills: tomandlorenzo.com]

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