Robert Pattinson for Esquire UK Magazine

Posted on August 01, 2014

Ready, set, BROOD:


Robert-Pattinson-Esquire-UK-Magazine-September-2014-Issue-Tom-LOrenzo-Site-TLO (1)Robert Pattinson covers the September 2014 issue of Esquire UK magazine photographed by Simon Emmett and styled by Allan Kennedy.

Hey, go with what you know, we say. Even if the poor boy will be stuck doing these skinny-tied guyditorials for the next ten years probably.


On Kristen Stewart cheating on him: “Shit happens, you know? It’s just young people…it’s normal! And honestly, who gives a shit? The hardest part was talking about it afterwards. Because when you talk about other people, it affects them in ways you can’t predict.”

On getting chased by the paparazzi: “I used to dress up my assistant as me, and get him to drive off with like five cars following him around for hours. I think it goes through periods where you’re assigned ‘this is the guy to follow.’ But whenever I see a bunch of paparazzi hanging out, I always think, ‘Oh God, what have they found out!’ Oh, THAT love child! I totally forgot!”

On when he realized he was famous: “I was going to clubs in L.A. and you had to call the promoters ahead of time to get on the guest list. But one time I forgot to call, and I was on the list anyway. That’s when I knew. I showed up with mustard down my T-shirt and they’re like giving me the wink, ‘Yeah, man, you’re on the list.’”

Robert-Pattinson-Esquire-UK-Magazine-September-2014-Issue-Tom-LOrenzo-Site-TLO (2)

Robert-Pattinson-Esquire-UK-Magazine-September-2014-Issue-Tom-LOrenzo-Site-TLO (3)

That last shot proves our point. Stay in the skinny ties and mid-Century suits, Robert. Anything else and … let’s just say the specialness goes away. You’re not the guy who can make a t-shirt look chic. We feel bad having to be the ones to tell you that, but you can cry yourself to sleep on a bed made of fur-lined bags of money.





[Photo Credit: Simon Emmett for Esquire UK Magazine]

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  • PastryGoddess

    Never did it for me. The rest of you can have him.

    • smh4748

      I agree. He’s one where I just don’t get the hullabaloo. But, to each his or her own! It’s good we all have different tastes. :)

  • Alicia

    I agree that the specialness goes away, but the last one is the picture that looks like he has a personality.

    • Sartorial_She

      I agree the t-shirt shot is the only one with personality. The other hint that he might be more than vanilla pudding: “The hardest part was talking about it afterwards. Because when you talk
      about other people, it affects them in ways you can’t predict.” A little bit of insight? Color me surprised.

      • Laura Renee

        I’ve never thought RPattz was the vapid sort. If you’ve seen any of his commentary for the Twilight movies, you’ll understand just how self-aware he is. And how nobody hates the Twilight movies as much as Robert Pattinson does.

        • TM

          Oh for sure–that tumblr is a winner.

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        • Adrianna Grężak

          I never watched the Twilight movies, but I saw an unknown movie he did called Remember Me. I totally understood why he’s a movie star – you can’t be totally empty and carry a movie with range and charisma

          • Laura Renee

            Oh, Remember Me isn’t totally unknown. I didn’t see it, but I remember the hullabaloo about its surprise ending. People were upset that was so well kept under wraps…they wanted better warning, as that event is so recent and real to so many people, it’s legitimately triggering.

          • Adrianna Grężak

            Yeah one could say there were hints, that it was pretty established that the movie took place in 2001. I dunno how I felt about the ending, they could have achieved the same message of the movie with a smaller event.

          • Laura Renee

            Yeah…again, I haven’t seen it, but my feeling is that we still don’t have enough distance to use 9/11 in a Hollywood production with the proper respect. Like they’re saying, “I know you already have a lot of feelings about 9/11, but have you considered it from the perspective of a fictional romance?”

          • Adrianna Grężak

            Yeah I don’t disagree with you. Movies like Titanic and Pearl Harbor were a big hit because they were created long after the actual event

          • Laura Renee

            Exactly! Hollywood needs to wait at least fifty more years. Preferably until everyone who lost someone that day has passed away.

  • lunchcoma

    I’ve never understood the lust for him (to be fair, I’m not in the right age group), but he does at least give a good interview.

    The pictures are too much of a snooze for me to form thoughts about. Not sure why they didn’t do something quirky and hipster with him instead of the standard guydatorial.

    • somebody blonde

      He’s definitely a niche interest. I like him, but it annoys me that they didn’t give him anything interesting to wear, since his best red carpet moments have all been colorful suits of the type that most guys wouldn’t dare to even try.

  • Belvane

    Can someone please give him one of the razors they’re talking about on the cover?

    • Grumpy Girl

      Agree! With the way that cover photo in particular is lit, the stubble looks particularly porcupine-like and unpleasant.

      • yllas

        Hilarious, an article on razors right next to a picture of week old bum beard. Love the long black coat even if it IS August. I like him, though, and wish him success.

    • 3boysful

      At first glance, I thought he was the illustration for “Razors . . .”

  • Jaimie

    He’s only hot as Cedric.

    • Leah Elzinga

      I don’t know, he was pretty solid in Water for Elephants. I think he’s one that just doesn’t translate in flat pics. Aside from Twilight, I’ve actually enjoyed most of what I’ve seen him in, despite having a prejudice against him for that particular horror show.

  • James

    I am stuck on that cover and the sentence “What to wear to a gay wedding” ….

    • TwiddlyStun

      While one hopes for judgment-free weddings, you know that if the BKs go, you’d better aim for WERQ. You know what they say, aim for the WERQ, so that even if you miss you’ll get an Attagirl/Attaboy.

    • Sophie

      “…especially if it’s your own” makes it better for me.

  • sienna elm

    I wonder if the editor got the irony of pairing this shot right beside the Razor Wars headline.

    • Kikishua

      I almost think that particular article is why they nabbed him for the cover “this will demonstrate our subtle wit!”

      • Artesian_Belle

        “Stubble wit,” perhaps?

        • Kikishua

          Well played!

  • TwiddlyStun

    Those aren’t brooding shots so much as a “Wha?” an “oops” and a “Hunh.”

  • MilaXX

    He never did anything for me, but his sound bites sound pretty realistic and down to earth.

    • Spicytomato1

      Yes, I like how he tends to poke fun at the nonsense that is Hollywood. He seems humble and grateful for the opportunities he’s had.

      • demidaemon

        This is a theme I’ve seen moire with British-affiliated celebs (minus Madonna) over our home-grown ones.

        • Thomas

          But Madonna is home grown lol

          • demidaemon

            I was going with the whole “pretends to be British” thing.

  • Danielle

    RAZOR WARS: Featuring a neck-bearded cover model!

  • YourBaloneyDontGotNoSecondName

    I might be ready to admit that I sort of liked those horrible, terrible, awful movies. I always thought Kristen and Robert were much better actors than their material allowed, and that’s mostly been borne out. But I might also be ready to admit I could possible find Robert just a little hot. Maybe not enough to give up my Build A Bear collection and my Spank brand bear flag underwear, but enough to take him to all the buffets and transition him from otter to cub.

    God I love Patron Burdeos.

    • Sophie

      I read the first book and decided not to even bother with the movies, so I don’t actually have many particular feelings about those two actors. I didn’t like his make-up in the trailer, so he didn’t do anything for me.

    • Ali2044

      I never watched Twilight, but did watch The Runaways (which was awesome) so felt very charitable towards K-Stew. Then she made that terrible Snow White movie and shat away all that good will. But Robert will forever be endeared to me from the Robert Pattinson Hates Twilight gif blog which is just gif after gif of him ragging on Twilight in the most hilarious way.

  • frannyprof

    He never did it for me. He does have a nice smile, though. He should show it more often.

  • CatLady

    He’s growing on me. The neckbeard is probably the worst thing about his appearance and that’s easy to fix.

  • Latin Buddy

    HOLLYWOOD, please stop trying to make the following people happen:

    Robert Pattison
    Blake Lively

    Zac Efron

    Aaron Taylor-Johnson

    …and while we’re at it

    Iiggy azalea

    • Shawn EH

      But she’s so fancy!

  • marlie

    The first and second looks are good, and the third looks like he just rolled out of bed.

  • LadyVimes

    This is the first time I have found him attractive, and I’m not sure if I’m more attracted to the skinny tie or him. This is awkward.

  • uprightcitizen

    I’m more intrigued by the cover lines. What to wear to a gay wedding? And a whole article about a single font? Really?

    • MartyBellerMask

      And the twist is that the entire article is written in comic sans…

    • J. Preposterice

      there’s a whole documentary on Helvetica. (It’s really interesting, if you’re into fonts at all, or design, or…I don’t know, history maybe?) I’ve also seen a short article on the use of Optima in advertising.

      What I’m saying is, I would read that font article.

  • TM

    I don’t want to like him–but his meh-ness towards all of it makes him almost endearing. It must be because he was Cedric.

  • boweryboy

    That last shot is the first time in ever that I have found him attractive. The smile is a great accessory. And to be fair that T-shirt is big and stylishly stretched out.

  • Snoskred

    Lets be real about the photography here for a minute. That first shot has truly dreadful lighting. It is incredibly MEH. How it got to be a cover shot? All the other shots must have been worse. And if you can’t take a decent photo of Robert Pattinson, you can’t take a decent photo of anything, because teen girls manage better pics with their mobile phones. Hang up your camera Simon Emmett, and go and do something useful, like direct traffic or make coffee.

    He is a gorgeous guy and I’m a fan of him but that is all a bit beside the point. Point being, I weep for the future of magazines if this is the kind of photo they are putting on the cover. You’re competing with the internets, get it together and make photographic art that grabs people and makes them buy the magazine. If you cant do that with Robert Pattinson, you can’t do that with anyone.

    • demidaemon

      This deserves a milion upvotes. Alas, I have only one to give.

  • Jacob Bowen

    Robert Pattinson in “Water For Elephants” was great, and his music is beautiful….but these are not his best photos. The last shot is actually my favorite though.

  • Jimmack

    My new haircut was suppose to look like that. It doesn’t. :-(
    I like the t-shirt photo. In my imagination he just came over to help my wash my car and then….well, I will spare the details.

  • Jeremy Thomas Porta

    He looked so good in Harry Potter. When he was groomed and bathed. I don’t think he looks sexy with scruff, just unkempt and dirty.

  • Helen

    Oh, guys, don’t do this to me. You’re my ‘trashy stardom time wasting’ blog of choice. But, guys, first you diss Tony Bennett’s wig then you diss Robert for not making a t-shirt look chic. That’s not the point! The point is that the photo of him makes you want to f**k him he looks so damn hot and lost and tender añd rough all at the same time. It’s not about the chic. And his ‘power’ – I think it’s a British actor ‘thing’, is that he – they – always look f**kable whatever they wear, be it chic or shit.

    • Tom and Lorenzo

      In the future, to avoid disappointing you, we will attempt to only express the same opinions that you hold.

      • Helen

        Joke, guys, joke…. 😉 But I got a reaction out of you 😉

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  • Mooky1230

    Never understood the hype about him.

  • bringbackbeatles

    Really wish he would shave the neck beard. He looks great otherwise, especially in the suit. I agree that that is so his wheelhouse,

  • Sharon Fox

    Robert Pattinson looks good in anything !!! He is so hottttt and sweet as could be . A real mans man. Love you RobPatz.

  • Avonell

    I love 2nd photo! He always looks good in a classic English style.