Jessica Alba in Zac Posen at the “Sin City: A Dame To Kill For” Premiere

Posted on August 20, 2014

Jessica Alba would like you to know that, despite all the things you may have heard and all the evidence to the contrary; despite your own experiences on the matter and those of every single adult female you’ve ever known, it really is true.

 

Jessica-Alba-Zac-Posen-Sin-City-Dame-To-Kill-For-Movie-Premiere-Red-Carpet-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (1)Jessica Alba attends the premiere of “Sin City A Dame To Kill” in Los Angeles, California in a Zac Posen dress paired with Giuseppe Zanotti sandals, a Lee Savage clutch and jewelry by Bulgari and Chopard.

Jessica-Alba-Zac-Posen-Sin-City-Dame-To-Kill-For-Movie-Premiere-Red-Carpet-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (2)

Jessica-Alba-Zac-Posen-Sin-City-Dame-To-Kill-For-Movie-Premiere-Red-Carpet-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (3)

Jessica-Alba-Zac-Posen-Sin-City-Dame-To-Kill-For-Movie-Premiere-Red-Carpet-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (4)

Jessica-Alba-Zac-Posen-Sin-City-Dame-To-Kill-For-Movie-Premiere-Red-Carpet-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (5)

Jessica-Alba-Zac-Posen-Sin-City-Dame-To-Kill-For-Movie-Premiere-Red-Carpet-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (6)

Jessica-Alba-Zac-Posen-Sin-City-Dame-To-Kill-For-Movie-Premiere-Red-Carpet-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (7)

 

You really can wear that cheapass bridesmaid dress again if you just take up the hem.

 

 

 

 

[Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews, Getty Images]

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  • Karen Belgrad

    So do we turn the butt bow into a butt wing?

    • conniemd

      That is really one awkward looking silohuette to the skirt. And so Zac Posen.

      • demidaemon

        Man, I completely skimmed over the Zac Posen part. This does not look like a designer dress at all.

      • evave2

        When I saw “Jessica Alba in Zac Posen” in the thumbnail, I said to myself “Self, what ugly-ass add-on will he add-on?” And then I saw…the butt wing!!!

        No to the shoes, no to the hair, HELL no to the dress. Oh her make-up is ok. Am I too mean here?

        I’d rather be mean to Zac than Jessica, but what the hell, SHE WORE IT.

        • Anplica Fiore

          AND he gets to judge Project Runway. How did he get THAT gig??

  • Lolo Andre

    Dreadful head to toe

  • Kristen

    I like her nail polish…

  • Grumpy Girl

    Sure, Jess, you keep believing that. My experience is that the bridesmaid’s dress can only be re-worn if it is casual (sundress, regular church-dress) and you only have one bridesmaid, who got to pick it out herself. And even then, it can be iffy.

    • All but one of my bridesmaids were performers. I told them to pick out something they could see themselves wearing for an audition. It worked out pretty damn well!

      • Grumpy Girl

        Well, yes, I should add if they get to each pick their own. If there is a purpose behind it, then that’s good–I guess that’s where I was thinking with church-dress. My experience was just awkward from the color or style compromise (the wedding where we ranged from deathly pale to tan-addicted in coloring, with equally diverse body shapes. Clearly I was traumatized enough that I had no bridesmaids at all.

        • You still made the smarter choice. They were more trouble than they were worth, for the most part! Apparently “pick a dress that makes you feel beautiful” was a really challenging concept. I got about 50 emails from them with questions, and I just wanted to say “I’m having you do this b/c this is literally something I can nothing about! Feel pretty, and I’ll be psyched!” Urgh. They were pretty awesome on the actual day, though.

    • FibonacciSequins

      A friend of mine wore a recycled bridesmaid’s dress to my brother’s wedding. It was pretty plain as bridesmaid’s dresses go, but the fabric gave it away immediately.

      • what not

        I tried that once myself, and people asked if I was in the wedding. Never again will I listen to a bride who says “…and it’s simple, so you can wear it again!”

        • bitchybitchybitchy

          Personally I believe that any dress designed as a bridesmaid’s dress can not be worn again for any other purpose. It’s that great lie that women use to try to feel better about shelling out beaucoup bucks for a dress that at best is so so.

          • AthenaJ

            A friend who I was maid of honor for is very frugal and said she was going to have all the bridesmaids in simple dresses that can be worn again to justify spending over $100. And then somehow we ended up in LILAC David’s Bridal floor length ones…

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            Lilac-such a difficult color to wear.sigh

        • Heather

          I was able to wear one of my many bridesmaids dresses again exactly once. The dress in question was a floor length, powder blue, ball gown. It has served me well as a Cinderella dress when I needed a costume. White gloves, a black choker, and cheap plastic “glass” slippers and I am set. Lol.

    • anneshirley

      I asked my bridesmaids to wear whatever black dress they wanted. One bought something new because she wanted the excuse, the others wore something they already had. They looked great, and the photos were great too. I preferred them not “matching.”

    • Vegas Girl

      I only had one, and I let her pick it out, and I still don’t think she was ever able to wear it again. But it was a pretty dress, she was happy with it, and therefore I was happy with it.

  • sugarkane105

    I thought you were going to say “Despite all you’ve heard… Jessica Alba is still getting movie roles!”

    • Thomas

      BURN

    • Vegas Girl

      Nice! i thought they were going two kids & that body. Because… HOW?!?!

  • Wink

    Hid. E. Ous.

    • 3boysful

      Yes, what would be said if this were a PR entry. Marginally safe at best.

    • Little_Olive

      The evils of satin, is all I have. With 1993 shoes.

  • Anna

    *wonders what other designers have made red carpet dresses from old bridesmaid dresses I’ve brought to the consignment store*

    • SherryN

      Now why hasn’t that been a Project Runway challenge…

      • marlie

        I seem to recall that it had been. I know they re-purposed wedding dresses a few seasons ago.

        • SherryN

          I remember the wedding dress challenge. I had forgotten that one!

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            They did a wedding dress challenge in Season four, I think. One of the designers freaked out over the synthetic fabric.

          • EveEve

            Synthetic fabric – horrors! Did he/she repeatedly blame the person who picked it out, and then select some godawful shiny vinyl to complete the makeover look?

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            I’ll have to go back to the archives-I think the designer was Stephen, and he was so appalled at the synthetic fabric;he might have been auf’ed over that design.

        • Kent Roby

          Yes, I seem to recall the designers dying the fabric, using the lining or underside of the main fabric , or toning down the fabric with sheer overlays ; anything to change the look of the fabric of the dresses they had to work with .

  • imperfectlaura

    From the thumbnail I saw on Facebook, I thought the first picture was of Sofia Vergara.

    • kimmeister

      From the thumbnail here, I thought it was Sofia!

  • Andrew Schroeder

    She’s looking more and more like Rose Byrne.

  • kt

    Sweet lord that makeup

  • JulieK

    Ooh, let’s share bridesmaid dress horror stories! I’ll go first! 1995: White cotton floral chintz, sweetheart neckline, dropped waist, bows on the shoulders. Donated to local university drama dept and later seen during a production of Pirates of Penzance.

    • Grumpy Girl

      I dunno. Seeing it in that production had to at least make it a great story to drink on!

      • JulieK

        This is true, it’s my favorite bad bridesmaid dress story. I had a few others that were crappy but not as entertaining 🙂

    • smayper

      Eggplant full-length puff-sleeve, made out of some godawful shiny polyester. And it was my sister’s wedding. Top THAT!

      • alyce1213

        You’re still on speaking terms?

        • smayper

          We are! But she dumped the husband…

      • JulieK

        this should be a drinking game, where you do a shot for shiny polyesters!

      • 3boysful

        Tea-length peach lace?

        • Janet B

          I made and wore a tea length moire peach dress in 1987.

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        1969: Long-sleeved empire waistline custom-made deep rose long gown;I wore my hair in an updo, with teased hair-took me forever to get the hairspray residue out of my hair. That was my one and only bridesmaid appearance. It really wasn’t bad. Did I ever year it again? No.

      • Shannon

        A silver potato sack handmade by the bride’s aunt, and terrible Lucite shoes. I got off easily, though, my little sister wore a black satin potato sack with an uneven hem. She later wore it for Halloween, as Bride of Frankenstein, and the bride was furious.

        • BrooklynBomber

          Lucite shoes can never be terrible.

        • kerryev

          Silver ‘dress’ and Lucite. Shoes. I’m a little stunned.

    • So far, everything has been fine. I’m in a wedding and the dresses are all Tadashi for Nordstroms. I said it earlier somewhere else, but there was an idea to put a champagne cummerbund on them. I put a stop to that idea. I get to do the make up and I live in fear of seeing the social media post of, “She set the make up gun to whore!” despite researching so many “art deco but not retro!” looks.

      • JulieK

        Oh, cummerbunds, bad. I was a guest at a wedding recently where the dresses had built in black cummerbunds and the groomsmen were ALSO in black cummerbunds. It was just weird looking.

    • kerryev

      This will be fun. 1993: floor-length, full crinoline, teal moire taffeta with a sweetheart neckline and puff sleeves literally bigger than my head. And I got to sew it–my brother would pretend to box with the sleeves as I fitted it.

      • JulieK

        Moire taffeta! With crinoline!! OMG! My coworkers are trying to figure out why I’m laughing!

        • kerryev

          🙂 There was also a silk-flower headpiece…

          • decormaven

            The horror….

      • 3boysful

        My 1985 wedding had teal, dropped waist moire taffeta. They weren’t horrible, as bm dresses go . . . .

      • smayper

        OK, I give. That one is worse than mine. I want to see a picture!

        • H2olovngrl

          Man oh man, do I wish we could post pictures in the comments sections!

    • marlie

      None of mine have been horribly bad, and yes, I’ve even worn a couple after the wedding.

      Disclaimer: My first bridesmaid dress was for my sister, and I was in college, so I ended up wearing the dress to a college formal later on down the road. My most recent one was for a friend who allowed the bridesmaids to vote on the different options that she gave us. We ended up with a lovely lavender cocktail dress from BCBG, and I wore probably a half dozen times after, including to another wedding.

      • decormaven

        A bridesmaid’s tale with a happy ending! Thank you.

        • marlie

          I still have two others that hung in the back of my closet for forever, but they weren’t even that bad. But definitely “bradesmaid-y.”

    • FibonacciSequins

      1982, shiny electric blue polyester, full length, spaghetti straps with sweetheart neckline, empire waist with knife pleats to the floor. Topped with a high-necked polyester lace capelet, also in electric blue.

      • sugarkane105

        High-necked lace! I’m itching just thinking about it.

      • Kitten Mittons

        Y’all. I’m trying to get work done. This is impossible!!!
        Polyester lace capelet. I’m dying.

      • Tracy_Flick

        /thread

      • Constant Reader

        Obviously high-necked polyester lace toppers were all the rage in 1982. Mine was baby pink.

        • FibonacciSequins

          Ha! We could have gone on the road together. This was my sister’s wedding by the way. When I got married, she was my only attendant. I told her to buy anything she wanted as long as it complemented the flowers. She’s very lucky I’m a forgiving soul.

          • H2olovngrl

            I did damn near the same thing for my wedding! Only my sister, wear what you want. After five times as maid of honor, I just could not. Trust.

          • EveEve

            Me too, me too! One matron of honor – my favorite cousin, who was just pregnant enough to not have much in her closet that would work. She also had to drive a long distance in an old van with two small cousinlettes to get to the wedding location, so I was grateful that she would even be there for me. I told her: “whatever you have that’s longish and still fits” and she came through for me in every way. And still does.

      • smayper

        oooooooooooh, that’s bad. The term “capelet” might be used in the preview for a fashion horror film, don’t you think?

    • Sarah

      1989: Long sleeved portrait neck floor length blue iridescent taffeta.

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        Iridescent blue taffeta!

        • Sarah

          Blue/black. My sister thought it was beeeyootiful. It WAS a January wedding, but that dress looked like something Mary Todd Lincoln would wear on my 14 y/o ass.

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            I can’t help but chucklet at the Mary Todd Lincoln reference. You poor thing.

          • Sarah

            I still own that dress, in its exact original form. Tailored to fit my teenaged self, of course, so no longer a viable dress, for me, or for anyone, really. Perhaps I can transform it into fancy valances, or something.

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            I like the idea of transforming the dress into valances. Repurposing.

          • H2olovngrl

            Like a reverse Carole Burnett, in “Went with the Wind”!

    • Sam Smith

      I wore something quite similar for one wedding, floral, bows, poofiness, etc. One wedding, I wore a chocolate brown, floor length dress, velvet top and satin skirt.

    • Cheap shiny red satin, triangular skirt. Bride said she hadn’t even noticed *how much bigger* I was than the other bridesmaids. I looked like I was wrapped in a whore’s duvet.

      • Sarah

        Argh. The horror.

        • All four of us revolted at the hairdresser and refused to have the bride’s choice of ‘do.

          • decormaven

            Solidarity! That woman owes you a lifetime of free drinks.

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            Brave women-well done.

      • YousmelllikeAnnaWintour

        “Whore’s Duvet” – sounds delicious! 🙂

        • GinaGeo

          H’ors D’oeuvet

      • demidaemon

        “Whore’s Duvet” should be iconic.

        • bitchybitchybitchy

          It should be a cocktail. Red velvet flavored vodka and creme de cacao.

          • demidaemon

            With a cherry for a garnish!

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            The perfect topping!

          • H2olovngrl

            Nope. There can’t possibly be a cherry in a whore’s duvet!

          • demidaemon

            😉 Oh, you never know.

          • H2olovngrl

            Wait. Do they make red velvet vodka for reals???

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            I don’t know if they really do, but since someone got the idea of making flavored vodkas, it’s possible.

          • GinaGeo

            They do!

      • If I ever have a girl band, I’m going to call it Whore’s Duvet.

      • H2olovngrl

        Sounds a lot like my burgundy satin. At six months pregnant, I felt like I was wrapped in yards and yards of that crap.

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        Wow-that’s a comment worth a large mental bitchslap. Of course, one can’t really slap a bride, which is why I said mental.

    • Sandra M.

      1998: Forest green. Cheap satin. Puffy, elbow-length sleeves. GIANT, gold trimmed butt-bow with tails. The material was actually so cheap that when I started to sweat (because it was July in Texas) the armpits turned coral. Delightful.

    • GeoDiva

      Laura Ashley flower dress that looked like my granny’s sofa (1992); A blue statin tube similar to what Jessica is wearing, but full length with matching dyed shoes which ended up in the ocean halfway through the reception (1989); a periwinkle blue & pale pink tie-dye effect slip dress from Victoria Secret that was ruined when I was thrown in the pool (no loss there) (1997); A forest green old lady formal dress that looked like something a MOB would wear (1997). Worse part…. I still have all these along with my junior and senior prom and graduation holuku dresses in my closet today.

      • jayetyler

        I guess the one plus of having a teeny tiny closet is that every dreadful bridesmaid dress I’ve ever owned has gone straight to Goodwill within 2 weeks of the wedding (along with the awful dyed-to-match shoes).

      • ryenerman

        OMG I think I might have been in the same 1992 wedding party. The one I had to wear was dark green sofa-print floral. Tea length. With crinoline. The horror.

        • H2olovngrl

          Those sofa prints were hawt! for the early nineties weddings.

          • Four Weddings and a Funeral is particularly good as a time-capsule of bridesmaid fashions.

          • JulieK

            I still routinely say “Meringue!” when seeing wedding dresses!

      • Fitzperry

        1990 – I made my poor bridesmaids wear Laura Ashley dresses. Navy blue chintz with a pink floral and a deep V back with a bow. I worked in a Laura Ashley store at the time and was just over the moon when I opened a delivery and discovered them. Oh the horror!

      • altermyego

        I want to hear the story of how your shoes ended up in the ocean.

    • kimmeister

      Cheap cream spaghetti strap dress from the juniors department at Macy’s. THE JUNIORS DEPARTMENT (I was 27 at the time). The couple ended up moving their wedding up a few weeks unexpectedly and my boyfriend and I had to back out of being in it, so fortunately I got to return that sucker.

    • Constant Reader

      1982: baby-girl pink polyester floor-length dress with spaghetti straps, over which went an equally pink “lace” Victorian-type top with long puffy sleeves, a high neck, a peplum, and a faux-cameo woven into the front.

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        It’s the faux cameo woven into the front that really classed this outfit up, right?

        • Constant Reader

          Exactly!

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            You know, too, that whoever came up with the concept of the cameo woven into the dress thought they were really onto something…..

          • H2olovngrl

            I think I snorted when I read this.

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            Grin!

          • Constant Reader

            Of course! So innovative!

            The thing I really resented about the outfit, to be honest, was that in addition to it being a high-necked and made of non-breathing materials (for a wedding in a humid seaside town in June) it had spaghetti straps and needed a strapless bra. Even though I was young, skinny, and perky, letting the girls fly in a Catholic church wasn’t going to happen.

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            I can understand that the girls flying at Our Lady of Perpetual Angst would not have been a good idea….

          • Constant Reader

            No point in courting lightning bolts. 🙂

    • Tracy_Flick

      1996: Navy polyester “satin”, sweetheart neckline, puffy sleeves, three teirs of ruffles in the back, giant peach bows on the sleeves and on the back at the waist.
      2002: Faux-celtic
      2006: David’s bridal blah.

    • Sherilyne Cox

      Jessica McClintock. Dusty rose on dusty rose taffeta with rose print. Big ass puffy skirt, fitted bodice with shawl collar. Matching mitts, satin pumps, and hair sprays. 1987. I felt like Lionel Richie’s ballerina girl.

      • makeityourself

        Oh yes, the dusty rose! It was 1982, mauve polyester taffeta, modified ODLR Vogue Pattern, tea length (with white hose and pale pink leather kitten heel pumps), sweetheart neckline, corded princess waistline, puffy sleeves just like Princess Diana’s wedding dress. A headband of white silk flowers and I carried matching white silk flowers, because “real flowers are a waste of money.” God help me.

        • Sherilyne Cox

          Oh, I hope you still have that quaint little headband. I was in my sisters first wedding in 1982. Pink polyester chiffon over pink polyester taffeta with pink polyester ribbon accentuating the off-the-shoulder ruffles and antebellum bustle. The marriage lasted a little longer than that sad little dress.

          • H2olovngrl

            Oh my gosh, I remember the Southern Belle inspired bridesmaid’s dresses of the early eighties! That image always reminds me of Bo and Hope of Day’s of Our Lives and their romantic sojourn to New Orleans (I think) They put her in several big flowery hoop skirts. What a hoot.

      • altermyego

        Whatever happened to Jessica McClintock? Loved her in the ’80’s. Did she not know how to change with the times?

        • H2olovngrl

          We still have a Jessica McClintock outlet near me in Costa Mesa, CA. For prom or formal dresses on the cheap, you can’t beat it! FYI: my wedding dress was a Jessica McClintock full white skirt, but I didn’t wear the top, instead I wore a sparkly white sleeveless sweater from The Gap. I was DOIN’ MY OWN THING!!

        • Sherilyne Cox

          She has a fragrance. I’ve never smelled it, but pretty sure it’s pink and rosy.

      • JulieK

        Oh, Gunne Sax. And matching mitts!

    • Early 80’s…floor length orange sherbert taffeta gown with a v-shaped bodice ruffle, a high neck, long sleeves, and a thousand tiny buttons up the back. I have no idea what happened to it.

      • decormaven

        Hopefully it has floated to the bottom of the missionary barrel.

      • JulieK

        I am trying so hard to imagine a row of women all dressed in orange sherbert taffeta!

      • H2olovngrl

        You just reminded me that I was a junior attendant for my aunt’s wedding in 1983. Home sewn peach gowns, and brown tuxes. THIS doesn’t look dated AT ALL. The leftover prairie-hippie influence of the seventies rolling right along head first into the vibrant new age of the eighties.

    • frannyprof

      1994, summer in Fresno, CA: Shiny satiny polyester, bright salmon, puffy elbow length sleeves, sweetheart neckline, faux white pearl strings crisscross across the back, V fronted waistline, tea length, with dye-to-match Payless satin pumps. My mom still has it hanging in her closet because it’s the last time I wore something (in her words) “ladylike.”

      • Sarah

        Pearl strings crisscrossing! CLASSY.

      • JulieK

        Here is where I confess that my bridesmaids wore dyed to match shoes. What can I say, I was young and ignorant. At least the dress wasn’t bad, a simple light blue georgette that only cost them $60.

      • H2olovngrl

        You had me at “summer in Fresno”. I’m sweating just thinking about it.

        • frannyprof

          And my bro and sis-in-law just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary! So maybe there was some magic to the hiddy bridesmaids dresses, after all.

    • decormaven

      1984. Begged my friend for something that didn’t emphasize the bust, because I’m short and busty. What did I get? Mauve shiny satin empire waist gown with ginormous puffy sleeves that cost a fortune. I left it at my mom’s house; it went by the wayside when she moved. Our friendship survived that awful dress; the marriage was a bust. C’est la vie.

      • JulieK

        Oh, mauve puffy sleeves. I think in the bridesmaids drinking game that means you do a shot.

    • alyce1213

      1981. I was asked to stand in for a maid of honor who got sick at the last minute. I had to wear what I was planning to wear — a black Christian Lacroix-inspired dress, crepe with satin poof sleeves and waistband, deep plunging V (not to worry, I had nothing to spill out). And I had a good hair day — I looked nice. (I still have the dress in my closet.)
      My only other stint as an attendant was at my sister’s all-white wedding. I was 14, in a sleeveless white organza, age-appropriate, cute.
      I feel I’m missing a funny life experience because I don’t have a bridesmaid horror story!

      • decormaven

        No, you have a few more pennies in the coffer. Money spent on ugly bridesmaid’s dresses is never recouped.

        • H2olovngrl

          Tell me about it! And, if you are Maid of honor, oftentimes you have the joy and privilege of sponsoring ($$) the bridal shower AND the Bachelorette party ($$) !!

    • Kent Roby

      Sadly, that still sounds nicer than any of this season’s Dior Couture .

    • rainwood1

      Cheap shiny polyester satin the same blue as Jessica’s in a peasant dress style worn off the shoulder and floor length. That fabric clung to every figure flaw any of us had and this was pre-Spanx so there was nowhere to hide. I thought I looked lumpy and bumpy even though I was 5’8″ and 120 lbs. at the time. It takes a special dress to make a size 4 look like a royal blue blimp.

    • H2olovngrl

      Is there some kind of award if I have been Maid (or Matron) of honor FIVE freaking times??!! Let’s see, tea length floral chintz, 1990ish; hookerish red mini dress for a Tahoe wedding, 1999, navy blue, forgettable and ugly as shit, floor length 2002; burgundy, oh my god so awful and ugly, home sewn, six months pregnant, nightmare, floor length creation from hell, circa 2000, and last, black and white floor length, classy, pretty and elegant for my sister’s wedding in my home in 2005. The rest of the broads in the wedding party had to wear red…Haha, suck it hos! I EARNED that dress.

    • BrooklynBomber

      Oh, good. I was just about to post something similar. I have only one bridesmaid dress in my history (I’ve been a bride more times than a bridesmaid!). It was about the same color as ol’ Jess’s there, but (thankfully) not shiny. Not horrific, but never worn again.

    • stagmania

      Lime green mermaid style in chiffon and a cheap ass satin that wrinkled like crazy and also stained instantly-even from water. It looked terrible on everyone, and by the time we emerged from the limo ride between the ceremony and reception we all looked like we’d been rolling around in puddles of booze.

    • Introspective

      1995, mauve-colored silk shantung separates. cap sleeved jacket with a peplum over a floor length skirt with a back slit. horrendous. and that was before the limo ride, which rendered horrendous also wrinkly at the same time. and the wedding was a snooze to boot. bad food. no one danced. ready to go from the start.

  • marlie

    Great hair and makeup, an ok – if boring – dress, and WTF , THOSE THINGS ARE SOME KIND OF FUGLY shoes.

    • Grumpy Girl

      They look like a tinfoil project my son would have made when he was going through his foil construction phase at the age of 7. Complete with that wierd pattern from crinkling up the foil, then straightening it out.

    • demidaemon

      I thought her hair looked kind of stringy, personally. But I am so with you on those shoes. It’s her first actual gig in ages and she goes, “You know what? Let’s pick the most hideous outfit imaginable and fire my hairdresser. It’ll be great!” Who does that?

      • marlie

        I like the loose casual hairdo, but at least we agree that those shoes are inexcusable. I don’t think we could stay friends if you thought otherwise. 😉

  • papillon

    You are much too pretty for this, Jessica. You could do so, SO much better – on every front.

  • hughman

    All the dress needs is a white cotton bunny tail on the back and a set of ears.

    • Nancer

      Oohh… spot on!

  • YousmelllikeAnnaWintour

    Does she ever change her look?

  • alyce1213

    On the plus side, the top of the dress got the Zac Posen treatment in a good way — it’s well cut, flattering, and fits her perfectly. The bottom goes a bit wonky and the shoes are a travesty. But it’s really that fabric, most of all, that screams bridesmaid.

    • Anna

      I had one in that exact same colour and fabric. It wasn’t really horrible, but it was very much of it’s time (1999): two-piece, top had spaghetti straps and laced up the back and the bottom was a ball skirt.

    • demidaemon

      I’m so glad you can see some positives here, because I think this dress was doomed when he picked that fabric, no matter what he did to it (and, with Zac, this fabric was going to go through the Spanish Inquisition).

      • alyce1213

        Feeling a little generous, I suppose, which surprises me because I can’t stand him.

        • demidaemon

          I’m not that far gone with him, though he is definitely in my take it or leave it pile of designers and personalities.

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our weapons are fear, surprise, and a fanatical devotion to hideously overwrought silhouettes.

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      The shiny satin looks cheesy-it can’t help but look cheesy. That’s the problem with that fabric.

  • BayTampaBay

    Do not like the fabric but I think the cut of the dress looks fabulous on her.

  • FibonacciSequins

    Bridesmaid on her way to the ladies’ to brush her hair after a discreet romp in the hay with the best man.

  • Sarah

    She looks like a sexy porpoise.

    • kimmeister

      But did you notice her shoes? We were just wondering the other day what happened to mules and slides!

      • Sarah

        I am trying to pretend I don’t see them. They are cheaper looking than an airbrushed tank top.

  • spirit52

    Ahahaaaaaa!

  • Nancer

    So I have a question for everyone. Is Satin just a fabric that we should all stop wearing? Because I kind of like it! I think the shape of this dress is killer on Jessica. So is it just the shininess of the fabric that is the big no-no? Does satin always equate to weddings? Just trying to get a sense of how people respond to this for my own education! Thanks!

    • papillon

      I know pretty much nothing about style, clothes or fashion so I can only talk about my own preferences – but I hate, hate, HATE satin, especially for wedding dresses. I think it comes across as tacky and cheap almost all the time. There ARE exceptions but they are few and far between. A satin dress does not automatically make me think of weddings though.

    • MoHub

      It depends on the fiber the satin is made of, satin being how it’s woven to produce the shine. Cotton and silk satin aren’t nearly as cheap looking as poly satin, and they both tend to drape better as well.

      • Nancer

        Thanks, MoHub – I will also keep this in mind! No poly-satin. I appreciate your insight. :]

    • suzq

      Expensive satin calls for impeccable seaming. Not speed sewing by some 13 year old kid in Bangladesh with an insane quota to meet, which is how most clothes get sewn these days.
      If I were Zac, I wouldn’t want my name put on that dress. But I guess he’s got to make a buck like everyone else….

      • Nancer

        Thanks for this, I can see that the sewing on this isn’t impeccable. So I will add that to my list of things to look for in satin clothing. :]

      • marlie

        Then again, the sewing on Zac’s designs is rarely impeccable, so I guess he just doesn’t care all that much.

    • FibonacciSequins

      I think satin reminds most people of either wedding/bridesmaid’s dresses, or lingerie.

      • altermyego

        Wedding night lingerie.

    • Constant Reader

      I think color is part of the problem here. Certain colors seem to be only used for bridesmaid dresses. This is one of them. A richer, darker blue wouldn’t have the same effect (not touching on the horrible design, of course). It’s also a terrible color on her, and that is typical of bridesmaid dresses, too.

      • Janet B

        The color choice must be poor.

        I picked a yellow for my bridesmaids, it only looked good on the flower girl.

        • Constant Reader

          I’m sure you’re too nice to have done it on purpose — you must have loved it at the time. It’s gotta be hard to choose one color that looks good on everyone.

          • Janet B

            My only defense is that I was young. I was lucky they didn’t put up a fuss.

    • alyce1213

      Satin is actually a weaving technique, not a fabric, and the amount of sheen can be controlled by the manufacturer. It can run from the ridiculous (stiff polyester) to the sublime (silk charmeuse, duchesse). I guess it’s associated with weddings because of the sheen, but there’s lingerie, blouses, scarves, evening bags, etc. In any case, great sewing and tailoring is critical.

      • Nancer

        I’ve seen some beautiful satin wedding dresses, now I am wondering about how much they must have cost because the fabric and seaming was gorgeous!

    • Satin should only be used for gowns, because a satin gown can be such a lush, opulent garment. Anything less than a gown looks cheap and tends not to be fitted well.

  • MoHub

    What makes you think she raised the hem? And the ass welts are horrifying.

    • Sarah

      Any ass welt is bound to be horrifying, eh?

    • FibonacciSequins

      I wish we had a rear shot so we could see what was going on back there.

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      Ass welts by definition are horrifying. Granted that Posen likes to add details to his designs, but ass welts? Please.

    • Kaytee

      What is this trend with ass welts? Do we really need them? They should go the way of sheer added to hems, even skinny chicks don’t need ass welts, darts, etc. Like someone else said – I question ZP’s taste.

  • EditKitten

    It was almost salvageable, and then THOSE SHOES. They aren’t even Payless-worthy.

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      From the Payless “Sin City- a hooker to die for” collection

  • Ellen R.

    Contouring ew.

  • wisenhar

    Yes, the dress is bad, but I was more interested in the bipolar posing. “Oh, Hi there! Here I am!…I can’t effing believe I let you talk me into wearing this…Oh, hey, camera!…We are having a serious conversation when we get…Oh, yeah, hey, I see you over there…yeah, don’t forget the shoes…heads are going to effing roll. I’m Jessica Alba damnit!!!”

  • Jangle57

    Designed by Zac Posen. Explains so much why we’ve had the winners on Project Runway that we’ve had……

  • Shame on Zac Posen for even designing this dress.

    • YousmelllikeAnnaWintour

      Shame on Zac Posen for designing. There. I said it.

  • In_Stitches

    This is bad, but it could be so much worse. A fabric that shiny with that many seams should be a hilarious wreck and this is merely an…eh, so, good for it?

  • MilaXX

    Tacky dress, tacky shoes. Whole looks sale bin cheap.

  • Columbinia

    Cheap-ass bridesmaid dress explains it all so well.

  • Her boobs are auditioning for a Marvel role, everything else is in a timewarp from 2004.

  • NMMagpie

    It’s the winged hips and hiddy shoes that made this all the way a NO.

  • annrr

    1989 Long Cotton Candy Pink “Satin” puffy half sleeves, butt bow. The bride forgot one box of flowers and someone from out of town tried to get them but got lost, so the bride and maid of honor had their boquets but the bridesmaids, my sister and I walked down the isle carrying corsages. And they were silk flowers.
    1990 Waltz length white floral chintz with pink, country blue and grey flowers in a strange coated cotton fabric that was like a table cloth. We joked around all night that if I spilled a drink on myself I could just wipe it off.

  • PastryGoddess

    Satan, I rebuke you!
    …those shoes too

    • myristica_fragrans

      they look so cheap.

      • Djwilke

        I know! Great shoes could have made a tiny, almost save. Instead, they went with the worst possible option. I think my step-sister had those in high school from Payless.

  • Daisy Walker

    How dare Posen critique anything on Project Runway! How. very. dare. him.

  • kirsten Walther

    I question Zach’s taste factor – as he would say on Project Runway.

  • Imasewsure

    I didn’t realize that bitchy little hen could get any worse… Posen I mean… Jessica is too boring to comment upon (other than the wise words of our dear uncles of course).

  • demidaemon

    That least line—KILLER!

    But man, what a cheap and ugly dress paired with no styling and ugly shoes. UGH.

  • SophieCollier

    Her tits look magnificent, though.

  • Terri Terri

    I’d totally wear the bridesmaid’s dress if I could look like that!!

  • boweryboy

    Shade.

  • BLauDGaspode

    Ha! I knew exactly what that last line was going to say. It’s true, that is some serious bridesmaid action going on there. Maybe she had to double up on events that day?

  • Beth513

    My bridesmaids wore cotton dresses from jcrew. All in their own style but same fabric. They all wore them again. In fact, shortly after my wedding I saw a girl wearing the one my sister wore and I told her my maid of honor wore that dress and she got all offended that I suggested it looked like a bridesmaid dress!

  • portlandmermaid

    No polyester horrors from me. I bought long, flowered skirts for my two attendants and asked them to buy a white blouse of their choice. One of them wore a blouse made of a thin fabric which allowed us to see that she had shortened the too long skirt by hiking it up over her ribcage.

  • gingerella

    This is from her book, “Twice as Nice: A Guide to Recycling Dresses, Hairstyles and Expressions.”

  • frannyprof

    Wow. Bridesmaid dress/stripper heels/consumptive makeup. Not good.

  • Adrianna Grężak

    This peplum trend is officially over. She’s going to look back and regret wearing those wings

  • crash1212

    Everything from the neck is working gang busters. Everything sound the the neck is exceedingly suspect. Those shoes.

    ETA: It is a very pretty color for her, though.

  • Jacqueline Wessel

    But she didn’t take the hem up far enough…and she didn’t remove the hip wings or the shine.

  • Jacob Bowen

    Two words…Zac Posen. He always INSISTS on stupid hip/butt treatments on his dresses, and this one is just as stupid as the last.

  • jkatkins

    So over Zac Posen.

  • Rebecca Harvey

    1993: Floor length black strapless with white polyester satin draping across the top and a matching polyester bow not on my bum, but just below it. Like a sign saying “wide load”.

  • LeelaST

    Could she look trashier? And Zac has the gall to criticize anyone on PR.

  • CKMia

    Okay, I’ll be the one to say it. Zac Posen is barely good enough to be a CONTESTANT on Project Runway, much less a judge.

  • MichelleRafter

    Z.P. has been spending too much time on the PR set. Killer shoes though.

  • Janet B

    I’ve worn a bridesmaid’s dress again – to a Halloween party.

    Her dress reminds me of one I wore in the eighties.

    • MaggieMae

      Oh yes. Eighties. I can picture it, but with huge hair.

  • No you didn’t!

  • OR…You can cut the skirt completely off and voila… a Playboy Bunny outfit ….

  • DeTrop

    When ZP started out he was a wunderkind. What’s happened?

    • ktr33

      And wasn’t he sort of “edgy” early on?

  • ktr33

    This dress should get Zac fired from Project Runway immediately. And maybe get him fired from Zac Posen, Inc.!

  • kategs

    oooooooooooo that was really mean and totally on point!

  • cocohall

    Does Zac Posen just dislike women? Does his idea of women spring from a comic book? Or some pattern books from the 50s? He seems to be the worst example of the sort of designer that has no interest in real women’s lives, bodies, and preferences. His work seems to be an abstraction of the idea of glamour (and a rather dated idea of glamour, at that). The fact that some (many?) women still buy into this idea makes me a little sad – I mean, each to her own – wear what you like – but when I look at this, I feel like very little progress has been made. Mr. Posen just brings out the “get off my lawn and take your tacky ass clothes with you!” in me.

    • Ali2044

      Nailed it.

    • Martha Anderson

      same applies to shoe designers
      I think the majority are misogynists
      and tragically , women buy into it

  • unbornfawn

    That hair is a mess.

  • throwslikeagirl

    Total Barbie shoes.

  • kmk05

    That hair is very Cordelia-esque. It’s clear she hasn’t pole danced for about ten years, considering how dated she looks.

  • Clash D

    From the waist up, she looks like Wonder Woman, just add a gold tiara and matching bracelets.
    Shoes look like they were duct taped to her feet.

  • You know, the Fug Girls were really right when they said satin was one letter away from Satan for a reason.

  • If the shoes were any other color, I would have liked them.

  • JynxTheCat

    How one can be so pretty and have zero charisma is beyond me.

  • LibKat

    Why does Zac Posen hate breasts? Practically every bodice he designs is a hideous, pointy-titty mess.

  • MannahattaMamma

    plus the shoes demonstrate that truly inventive DIY types can do great, great things with tinfoil

  • YeahYeahFashion

    wow this girl is gorgeous! Love her hair & shoes – gimme!!!

  • Sofia

    The dress and shoes aren’t anything to write home about but the face is too cute for words.

  • Melanie

    HAHA i thought the truth was gonna be that both satin & zac posen dresses are both irredeemably hideous.

  • NBG

    Ugh. Forever 21 special. Complete with hip flaps. Zac Posen is just trolling us now, I’m sure of it. Actually, I am really surprised that this isn’t paired with those equally trolly plastic Louboutins.

    And why is she suddenly everywhere? Did she actually make a movie?

  • SophieB210

    Oh uncles, all the points for everything ever for this assessment. Bravo!