Cover Girl: Miley Cyrus for V Magazine

Posted on August 29, 2014

We don’t know, you guys. It feels like we reached peak Miley a while ago, doesn’t it?

 

Miley-Cyrus-V-Magazine-Fall-2014-Tom-LOrenzo-Site-TLOMiley Cyrus covers the latest issue of V magazine in custom Fendi photographed by Karl Lagerfeld.


Because there was a time when Miley in a bathing suit made out of dead muppets would have inspired all sorts of navel gazing and think pieces. “WHY MILEY LOVES TO PROVOKE.” It just all feels so very six months ago, no? The days of her tardive dyskinesia and cultural appropriation schtick have yielded all the dividends that can possibly be yielded from such stunts. No 1 curr, girl.

Is it us or do the attention-seeking ones seem to burn out quicker than they used to? We have to admit, we thought Gaga was going to remain a cultural force for years to come, but that doesn’t seem to have happened. The public loves their clowns, but they have a shorter and shorter shelf life each year. Allow us to drop a little “Be Me or Do Me Bingo” on your ass. Because there is no opportunity we won’t take to sell our book like a couple of streetwalkers.

From Chapter 3, Attention-Whoring, under the subheading, “Poo-Flinging Monkey Stars:”

These professional provocateurs—most of whom are pop stars, although you can sometimes count on some overbearded actor from the indie film scene to provide good copy—tend to have a relatively short shelf life (not a lot of lifetime achievement awards gracing their mantels in their old age, assuming they even reach it), but they have the easiest time of all in the attention-whoring sweepstakes. Almost nothing is off-limits for them. They could take a dump on the Grammys red carpet and their fans would call it art, while the press would call it “cheeky.” They can dress in outlandish getups that make them look like extras in some sort of science-fiction fetish-porn film or arrive at events stuffed inside an egg, or wearing dresses made out of tampons, or sporting sequined antlers, and everyone will titter and applaud like ladies-in-waiting. They’ll drink faux baby blood onstage or wear transparent lederhosen to the Met Ball; nothing at all is off-limits short of murder—and even then, a clever one could get away with it. But the public’s indulgence only lasts so long, and these types tend to burn up goodwill at a much faster rate than the average star. Still, their antlers and antics can be expected to stay seared into the public’s collective memory for a much longer time than their actual careers do, giving them an air of legend that most other stars would kill for.

We’ll always remember you fondly, Miley.

We probably shouldn’t be saying this, because it’ll only provoke her into doing something really gross and attention-seeking. She’s like Beetlejuice that way. Best if her name isn’t mentioned at all.

 

 

[Photo Credit: Karl Lagerfeld for V Magazine]

    • Noah

      You say “dead muppet”, I say “bath mat”…

      • Ginmaru

        You say “bath mat”, I say “biological growth”…

        • Noah

          You say “biological growth”, I say “oddly colored astroturf”…

          • Skippymom1

            And the rest of us all laugh [because you all are funny] and just say “Ewwwwww”. You know that thing started to smell, don’t you?

            • Noah

              I’ve no doubt.

            • Melanie

              Time for your MAT exam.

              Miley: dead Muppet suit as Stank: _____

      • demidaemon

        My exact thoughts.

    • RussellH88

      Her expression looks so drugged, which I’d imagine you’d have to be in order to wear a blue moss swimsuit.

      • JR Labrador

        Apparently, “V” is for vaporizer.

      • Bernd

        Her pupils look tiny, so there’s probably not all the lights on upstairs.

    • http://redheadedwolf.wordpress.com/ Laura Renee

      I’m more weirded out by getting her to pose on a pile of stuffed animals than her outfit. Also the classy-as-ever placement of the V.

      • @Biting Panda

        Never forget insidious goal number one: confuse and entangle the lines of childlike and sexual, whenever possible.

        • http://redheadedwolf.wordpress.com/ Laura Renee

          Noooooooo D:

      • mapmakerscolors

        ughhhhhhhhhhh right? when will photographers finally stop foisting this creepy juxtaposition of sexiness and girlishness on young female stars? (answer: probably never. bleh.)

      • CommentsOfAuthority

        Posing on animals? Weird? Now about how you shove dog food up your holes and let your dog chow down? You don’t think that’s ‘weird’?

        • Glam Dixie

          Well that went South quickly.

          • CommentsOfAuthority

            Hey great a variation on the unimaginative “well that escalated quickly” lame àss pointless comment. It’s unbelievably equally as pointless well done. Do you just repeat internet memes all day?

            • lamamu

              Do you troll internet commenters all day? Also, explore punctuation; it will change your life.

            • @Biting Panda

              Obvious Troll is obvious.

            • CommentsOfAuthority

              I would almost say within the context of these comments that that Comment was well placed. But I’m aware that it was completely unintentional.

          • marlie

            Troll.

            • CommentsOfAuthority

              Wow three lames in a row this is the lamest of all blogs

      • jen

        Why do these magazines keep thinking that the open legged, crotch focused pose is shocking? What’s shocking is when one of these douchebags actually wears something interesting and takes a good picture!

        • V No Privacy

          I was just thinking a more traditional pose would be far more provocative with the outfit and subject.

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        I like the placement of the stuffed sharks-just so we can all say, yes, Miley has jumped(or humped) the shark. Yes, Peak Miley has already occurred, and we’ve moved on.

        • Skippymom1

          My college professor of English 203: Symbolism: Find the Clues would be awarding you an “A” on this comment. Nicely done.

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            Thanks- I was a history major in college with a minor in English.

    • @Biting Panda

      But y’alls, she for serious now. She’s only twerking on the homeless. Or something.

      • scoobysnacks

        Will twerk for food?

        • Lolla

          Don’t we all…

        • ellisd123

          I die!

    • somebody blonde

      Of course it’s custom Fendi. It would have to be custom. This is a garment that should not be.

      • RebeccaKW

        Seems odd to me that a “rebel” would be wearing any designer label at all, unless maybe she bought it at the Goodwill.
        Wait, I got it. She’s rebelling against good taste.

    • Glam Dixie

      Stuffed animal appropriation or appreciation? You decide.

      • minnye

        INappropriation, I’d say…

      • scoobysnacks

        It’s muppet taxidermy at its finest.

    • MilaXX

      No 1 curr, girl Exactly. They are the fruit-flies of celebrity-dom.

      • Thomas

        I don’t like Miley, but I wish people would stop using words and expressions like “No 1 curr,” “haters,” “pressed,” etc. because I feel like it makes them just as immature as the person they’re criticizing, if not more. I’m guessing T & Lo were probably using it in an ironic sense because that’s how Miley and her fanbase probably talk, but I’m so tired of people using all of these words and expressions because they think it makes them cool or witty when it actually just makes them sound like immature assholes. I wish people today would just talk like grownups.

        • marlie

          I didn’t know what it meant. I had to look it up. I am an old.

          ETA: I kind of agree with you. I’ve always abhored text-speak.

          • conniemd

            I looked it up too and still didn’t figure out what it means. Found lots of images of girls with No 1 Curr Girl written on them, bt no explanation.

            • marlie

              It means “no one cares.”

            • smh4748

              I read it initially as “#1 Cur,” and while I suppose that makes me laughably out of touch, it also makes a bit of sense in this context as well. :)

            • Kent Roby

              That’s what I thought it meant as well!

            • Skippymom1

              And the entirety of the intelligent world hangs their heads in shame.

            • demidaemon

              I somehow feel smarter know for not knowing what it meant.

          • scoobysnacks

            My current effort is to rage against the use of “thot.” I don’t care what it came from as slang, but the fact that it sounds like “thought” is offensive because you should be, you know, encouraging more of that. I mean one’s (presumably) deep, the other’s superficial and of the moment term in a negative connotation.

            • Therese Bohn

              It’s not a text abbreviation, but I’ve had it with the constant use of ‘awesome’, which is apparently the only adjective that a lot of people use anymore!

    • kim bunchalastnames

      if i didn’t already love you guys, i would begin as a result of your use of the words, “tardive dyskinesia.”

    • papillon

      Does she have a tattoo of a One Direction boy…?

      • Tina Power

        I think that’s her brother but don’t quote me on that.

        • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ Alicia

          I thought it might have been Margaret Thatcher…

          • Kitten Mittons

            If Miley knows who Margaret Thatcher is, I’ll sew her next muppet monstrosity myself.

        • alyce1213

          I thought it was her Granny.

        • Bonnie Blue

          I thought it was Queen Elizabeth. (Apologies if it is a departed relative.)

        • Clash D

          I thought it was Justin Bieber.

        • scoobysnacks

          Dusty Springfield?

      • Tess Tea

        I was thinking it is her future self.

      • Marise Phillips

        I thought it was Rod Stewart…

    • Anna

      This makes Britney’s ancient Rolling Stone cover with the teletubby seem high-class.

      • what not

        This makes Britney’s Rolling Stone cover seem almost innocent, or at least sincere in its Lolita-perviness, whereas this is jaded and cynical. I’m not sure which I dislike more.

        • Froggae

          Forced to choose, I’ll take Miley over “I’m a virgin!”-era Britney. At least Miley isn’t selling us on how she’s not a girl, but not yet a woman.

    • Rhonda Shore

      It feels more like eight months ago, but i think she’ll last longer because she can actually sing and she has her country roots to fall back on, if needed. Also, she doesn’t take herself so seriously as an artist with a capital A.

      • Glam Dixie

        I’ve heard she is very down to earth and genuine in person as well, but I don’t know if that will help with her shelf life or not, especially if she continues getting more attention for being outrageous than for being talented (which is subjective).

        • Skippymom1

          I would like to think she is “down to earth” – but my impression of down to earth people does not include posing in a cut out bathroom mat with your cooch hanging out.
          That just screams “LOOOOOOOOOK! ME!” Is it my imagination or do normal people not do that? ;)

          • Glam Dixie

            I certainly don’t know anyone who behaves this way but I suspect Hollywood folks definition of ‘down to earth’ and mine may be quite different.

      • Jackie4g

        She can actually sing, that’s the sad part.

      • https://twitter.com/#!/marla_melendez eme and azul

        well, her concert tour is coming to Puerto Rico in a couple of weeks (on a Thursday).

        From the local outlets, ticket sales are not that impressive and they published some of her “demands”, which are not that out there as a “completely white room with three yellow m&ms”, but she does include 48 water bottles, of which only 24 are to be refrigerated, all-organic fruits, no cinnamon anywhere (allergies apparently), Coca-Cola, Jack Daniels, Gatorade, and 10 white towels…

        I do like her singing though…the muppet-kini? not so much.

        • bitchybitchybitchy

          Just for fun’s sake, I’d throw in one slightly off-white towel in that dressing room, and a can of Delmonte canned peaches in heavy syrup..

        • Skippymom1

          Muppet kini made me snork. I understand that unrefrigerated water is a must for singers? But the three yellow M&Ms is just a twee pretentious I think.

    • Capt. Renault

      Short shelf life is so much the better for them. Flare up, get your money, get out, and live in happy, rich anonymity for the rest of your life, subject only to the occasional “where are they now” story. Pretty sweet deal.

      • Jackie4g

        Yes, but that’s for the people with grown up minds. Those who are capable of long term planning.

      • Eztizen Sánchez

        Some of them don’t care that much abour living a peaceful life in a billion dollar mansion. They NEED to show us their crotch. They’d pay to do this shit, to embarras themselves in front of us.

        • scoobysnacks

          Then when everybody stops wanting to see their crotch and antics, they feel a loss and start to scramble to get the love and adoration back. Some of them really don’t handle it well. Wait around long enough and people that loved you as kids go ‘where are they now?’ and want to work with or celebrate you. Happens all the time. It’s less over the hill and more a really long journey by a boomerang.

        • demidaemon

          Exactly. Think Paris Hilton and the Kardashians.

    • Skippymom1

      When I saw the pic’ I thought “I am so tired of seeing her crotch.” Thank you for vindicating me.

    • J.W.

      And the ‘V’ stands for…vagina…??? Does anyone remember those awful fuzzy toilet seat covers?

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        Yes, I do, and shag ‘carpeting’ for the bathroom that you bought and cut to order. I just thought of what would have made that bathing suit even more awful-if it were trimmed in black polyester lace.

        • J.W.

          Ewwww.

        • Skippymom1

          Why would you even go there bbb? That made my brain hurt. :)

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            Miley’s blue plush triggered a memory of a toilet seat lid cover that was trimmed in black lace……but not in my home.

            • Skippymom1

              I am assuming [hoping] you never went back, correct? ;)

            • bitchybitchybitchy

              grin!

      • Tess Tea

        Painfully, yes. Our home had the whole kit.

        • J.W.

          I feel your pain.

        • bitchybitchybitchy

          So did one of our bathrooms at some point early on in our lives.

    • moppet

      No you did not say “tardive dyskinesia.” LOL! Way to drop some medical knowledge in a Miley post. If only there *were* a medical reason behind the tongue thing…

      • Therese Bohn

        I call the tongue thing ‘Cyrusitis’

    • Mona_Visa

      How many, Miley? How many muppets had to die so you could have that swimsuit? /throws bucket of Muppet blood

    • Kris

      Anyone notice the “v” hits at her v?

      • moppet

        I believe everyone noticed.

    • susan6

      Yeah, that cover might have worked 10 months ago. Way to miss the boat, V editors. Who’s the current fruitfly? Nicki Minaj? Ariana Grande (“Big Spider”)?

      • JR Labrador

        Big Spider’s fetish wear easily trumps a blue fuzzy “swimsuit”. (Can you imagine what that thing would look like if it actually got wet?)

        • demidaemon

          I’m actively thinking against that now, thank you very much.

      • KendraMR

        Nicki Minaj, yes; Ariana Grande, not until she loses that pageant hair and makeup.

        • Thomas

          Ariana Grande and Iggy Azealia are the more popular ones right now. I think Nicky Minaj is past her shelf life as well. Her new song is embarrassingly awful and her album and single sales have consistently gone down over the past couple of years, just like Gaga’s.

    • KendraMR

      Miley, sweetie, when I a blue fungus grows from your vagina and spreads over your body, then maybe it’s time for you to to the doctor.

    • dash1211

      Nothing to see here, folks. Move on.

    • smh4748

      “Best if her name isn’t mentioned at all.”

      Very well. She is now “She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.” The BKs will be on the lookout for the first sign of a disappearing nose and reddening eyeballs.

      I wonder if Tom Riddle’s blue furry swimsuit phase wound up in Dumbledore’s pensieve?

      • random_poster

        I bet tons of fun stuff wound up in the pensieve.

        And, I can think of several who fall into the Must-Not-Be-Named category.

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        Harry Potter and the Secrets of the Pensieve-the book that J.K.Rowling won’t allow to be published!

    • cocohall

      How sad to have peaked at the ripe old age of 20, 21? However, she is still young enough to stage a comeback, or reinvent herself. I wouldn’t count out little ole Miley Bird just yet.

      I mean, who could have predicted that Neil Patrick Harris would be the nation’s favorite teen doctor named Doogie, and then find his way to appearing on Broadway as a glittering Hedwig years later? Not the expected career path . . . The shortness of the American attention span is only bested by our collective shortness of memory. Hannah/Miley will find a way to prevail, I suspect. But the boom-bust cycle does seem to be happening more quickly, for sure.

    • CommentsOfAuthority

      It’s common knowledge Billy molested her.

    • marlie

      Caterpillars on her eyes, and another crotch shot because Miley.

      • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ Alicia

        Haha – should have read further down and noticed your caterpillars comment.

    • CommentsOfAuthority

      I would eat both of her lower holes for days

    • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ Alicia

      When I am more bothered by the caterpillars you are using as false eyelashes (which, by the way, most false eyelashes are produced by seriously exploited women and children in south east Asia, so buy some fucking mascara) than by your fur-covered crotch with a V to point the way, you are officially over-exposed.

    • Chartreusite

      She has unbearable doucheface on that cover dear lord. Over it

    • stubbornthoughts

      This totally reads like soft Penthouse.

    • formerlyAnon

      I think she’s got enough voice and ought to have enough industry savvy, having been raised in it, to take the money & run, only to re-emerge years or decades down the line (after doing something entirely different) with a manageable career in music. Nothing about her current stance leads me to believe that’s where this is headed, though.

    • CPK1

      is it too much to ask for her to at least close her legs?

      • Eztizen Sánchez

        I don’t think she can anymore.

        • Skippymom1

          I don’t think she remembers how.

    • Agnes Gooch

      Lord, she must spend a fortune on brazilians.

      I wonder if she’s able to write them off on her taxes.

      • poggi

        She should. Wasn’t the story that Diana Ross could write off her stage dresses because she couldn’t sit down in them, demonstrating that they were professional and not personal wear? I can see Miley showing this photo to he IRS auditor justifying her business expenses.

      • RebeccaKW

        Perhaps she’s been laser-zapped, which is what many professional beach volleyball players do.

    • AMartel

      She skinned Cookie Monster and wore him.
      Disposable culture wearing disposable culture.
      (It’s a “think piece.”)

      • formerlyAnon

        Heh.

    • Constant Reader

      Hair and face look gorgeous; posing, muppet swimsuit, and middle-school humor of the V placement are a solid “of course.” Silly and boring.

    • Julie Chase

      I’m just really sad that Cookie Monster was sacrificed to decorate her bajingo.

    • poggi

      Sometimes I wonder what would happen if PBS were forced to make a profit. Now I know.

    • Jacqueline Wessel

      Yes, somehow this does seem dated.

    • http://gabyrippling.tumblr.com/ Gaby

      That’s the weirdest merkin I’ve ever seen!

    • http://gabyrippling.tumblr.com/ Gaby

      “some overbearded actor from the indie film scene to provide good copy” I’ve always assumed this was about Joaquin Phoenix.

      • Laylalola

        That’s not the way I read “overbearded” at all, but what do I know.

        • http://gabyrippling.tumblr.com/ Gaby

          Oooooh were you thinking closeted? I could see that too.

          ETA: But with Joaquin Phoenix, I was talking about when he claimed that he had retired from acting to pursue a rapping career and sported a heavy beard at the time, while filming the mockumentary I’m Still Here.

    • Orange Girl

      “No 1 curr, girl” is now a phrase I will use.

    • Melmmmendes

      The letter of the day is V! V is for VAGINA.

      • Fannie Wolston

        Vacuous, Vain,Vitriolic, Vulva Vendor!

        • Trickytrisha

          Vapid.

    • Funkykatt

      It’s time for her to do pornos.

    • FibonacciSequins

      It’s the huge number of media outlets that cause a fast burnout, just as Hollywood studios give blockbusters a very wide release that doesn’t stay long in theaters. Saturation level is reached quickly these days.

    • guest2visits

      I’ve been avoiding the Miley news like I avoid the K Family.
      Apparently still using preadolescent imagery as the erotica of her act/persona. Just please go away.
      I thought the head shot was pretty but then of course there had to be the rest.

    • Ali2044

      Well, where can you really go after plastic pant twerking with Beetlejuice? If she really wants to shock people she’d start wearing tweed suits and go to college to study political science.

    • sk8tfan

      I was so relieved by the absence of tongue that I didn’t even mind that she was stumbling her way stoned into a plushie convention.

    • Annistella

      Miley Cyrus. Miley Cyrus. Mil…

    • Fannie Wolston

      Once in a while an artist’s statement of WTF it’s all about would be appreciated KL!

    • prettybigkitty

      No one should wear a Grover swimsuit. Not even Miley.

    • Phydeaux

      Her eyes look like caterpillars.

    • LibKat

      Somewhere Sustainicorn is weeping for all the stuffed animals that died to make that … whatever it is.

    • DebbieLovesShoes

      Scene: my husband and I at our laptops:

      Me: “Wow”
      Him: “What?”
      Me: (Reading TLo), “Who uses the words ‘Tardive Dyskinesia’ in a sentence?”
      Him: “MY WIFE!”

      I’m in a PhD program… so fun to read that in your column instead of a medical journal. BRAVO, Beloved Uncles!!

    • http://msavonelljrose.blogspot.com Avonell

      But Karl takes a damn fucking fantastic photo tho.

    • http://weirdinedgewise.blogspot.com ONEWEIRDWORD

      TLo, you are describing our mayor, Rob Ford. Please let his day in the limelight be over.

    • Qitkat

      Is that her grandmother in the arm tattoo? Knowing nothing about her family life other than her Achey Breaky Heart dad, what a bizarre performance life she has embraced to honor someone as a hero of hers. (Isn’t that why someone puts a real person’s image on a tattoo?)

    • mickiemonkey

      I did a little nerd happy dance to see “tardive dyskinesia” used here. Hoping for “extrapyramidal” and “dysdiadochokinesis” next. In other words, her cray cray starts in her noodle.

    • evave2

      Wow, you are calling for us to ignore Miley Cyrus? Thank you. Last Fashion Police thought that leather jodhpur/bandeau outfit was Teh Bomb. On line here most of the Bitter Kittens were saying she looked awful, or to use your phrase “Trying Too Hard.”

      It surprises me how much positive press she gets, she just bugs the daylights out of me. I would love to know WHO came up with the Tongue Thing. That actually offends me more than her clothes.

    • Little_Olive

      I want her bikini-wax (or laser) person.

    • Jeannie Shmina Greenwald

      Amen.

    • GemFemme

      Really tired of this girl and her crotch.

    • http://fibonaccisequins.storenvy.com/ Danielle

      Of course.

    • Judy_J

      I do wish she’d just go away. Everything about her is annoying to the max.

    • Imasewsure

      I’d actually love the picture if it had ended way up before we got to the crotch… takes all of the pretty away

    • suzq

      Ms. Cyrus + Mr. Lagerfeld = Perfect Match. Finally, Karl has a muse.

    • https://plus.google.com/+FrankLithiumz/posts Frank Lithium

      I dig it.

    • Therese Bohn

      TLo, she has attempted yet another ‘shock’ last week. I happened to (unfortunately) see recent pics of her at a Fashion Week party wearing only ice-cream cone pasties for a top. As stupid as that was, what was more troubling was what appeared to be lots of scratches or maybe a rash around her right collarbone. This kid is getting more desperate by the day.