Chrissy Teigen in Elisabetta Franchi at the 2014 ESPY Awards

Posted on July 17, 2014

Kittens, you have an assignment.

Chrissy-Teigen-Elisabetta-Franchi-2014-ESPY-Awards-Tom-LOrenzo-Site-TLO (1)Chrissy Teigen attends the 2014 ESPY Awards at Nokia Theatre L.A. Live in Los Angeles, California in an Elisabetta Franchi ecru long-sleeved jumpsuit with plunging neckline from the Fall 2014 collection accessorized with an Oroton clutch, a BaubleBar ring, Sara Weinstock earrings, and Christian Louboutin shoes.

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Picture it: It’s 1979 and Chrissy Teigen makes her national debut as the newest member of Charlie’s Angels. Your job is to come up with her character’s name.

We’re thinking something breezily ’70s for her first name and something vaguely sexual for her last one. We keep trying, but nothing sounds quite right.

Cathy Carameltaux

Patty Buubgap

Jaime Beigecrotch

Sindy Kleevidge

Tawny Titzenaasz

See? We keep veering into Pussy Galore territory. We turn this one over to you. We’ll stick to the fashion critique: This non-color looks terrible on her and the overall fit is so bad she never should have left the house.

 

 

[Photo Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images, Elisabetta Franchi]

    • Karen Belgrad

      American Hustle was movie costuming, not a fashion directive!

      And I christen thee Angel…. “Breezy Rosenblaum”

      • conlakappa

        Or Rosenblah. Or Rosenbeige. She’s trying too hard.

    • RussellH88

      Zephyr Sydtit

    • Kim Elmore

      Pants Toolongus

      • Carleenml

        more cheerleader-y…Pantsy Toolongus.

    • Betsy

      Chrissy Legend-Baghems. See what I did there??

    • sienna elm

      Tiffani Allflesh

    • HomeOfficeGirl

      Sindy Kleevidge!!! Another girl dressed by Maxim for the ESPYs. I think it looks sad. But I’m sure she knows full well what she’s going for. So you work that awkward boobage, Sindy!!

    • AmeliaEve

      Lori Bustigap.

      Can I please cut off the hems and use the fabric to make a dickie?

      • HomeOfficeGirl

        Yes, PLEASE!

      • http://attiresmind.blogspot.com/ Kiltdntiltd

        Honey, there’s enough there for a whole new outfit.

        • BLauDGaspode

          Sounds like a PR challenge just waiting to happen.

      • MandyM

        She’s definitely in the market for a dickie with that outfit.

    • Kitten Mittons

      Betty B. Bronzer
      The B is for BBoobs. The extra B is for more boobs.

    • Kitten Mittons

      Connie Lingus

      • Thomas

        Ooh You naughty! Haha

        • Kitten Mittons

          I was going to try to defend myself, but then I reread my convo with Anna down-thread. I have no defense.

          Worse still, I could totally play this game all. damn. day.

          I will grow up someday. Probably. Not today, though.

          • Thomas

            Growing up is for sissies! :)

          • Thomas

            Maybe this is too vulgar, but how about Kuntessa Krystal Kardashian?

            • Kitten Mittons

              When dealing with Kardashians, nothing is too vulgar.

      • Kent Roby

        I die every time I see that old Colonel Angus skit on SNL; it seems like something that would have never gotten past the censors!

        • Kitten Mittons

          That’s my first thought about that skit too! They must have aired it very late in the original broadcast.

          That’s a skit that gets funnier every time I see it.

          • Kent Roby

            “Not everyone likes Colonel Angus at first; he’s an acquired taste” “Oh, I just LOVE Colonel Angus!”

            • Kitten Mittons

              “You can only take so much Colonel Angus.”

            • Kent Roby

              “I myself never much cared for Colonel Angus. Rubs me the wrong way. Can’t put my finger on it”

            • frannyprof

              I never overstay my welcome. When your done with Colonel Angus, just tap me on the shoulder.

      • J.W.

        Hah-hah!

      • Thomas

        She could have a sister called Ana Lingus too! Haha

    • http://recapscallion.blogspot.com/ Claire

      Misty Chesterson

    • Anna

      Honey Bustinout.

      ETA: Thought of another one, Crystal McCleave.

      • Introspective

        I wanna be honey bustinout for halloween!!

        living for my fellow bks because the snark in this post is taking the edge off a very looming deadline…

        • Anna

          DO IT!

          And glad we could help, hope the stress from the looming deadline ends soon!

    • Tee

      And yet this is the look Kim Kardashian is desperately trying to achieve, but doesn’t have the height or beauty to do so.

      • alyce1213

        And yet . . . is so funny,

    • http://attiresmind.blogspot.com/ Kiltdntiltd

      Carmelita Poitrine. She’s the first Angel who’s not a native born American. There are so many things wrong with the fit of that jumpsuit I cannot begin to list them all. But first and foremost, if your ladyfronts are clearly viewable by a Google satellite, you’re doing something wrong.

    • OffToSeeHim

      I can’t even try to be funny, this is just *wretched.* It’s almost worse because she’s such a beautiful girl with a slammin’ body, and she went straight for pin-up of the week. Which you’re allowed to do, but if you’re doing it, DO it. Don’t show up in something that looks like it’s supposed to be a business suit for when a madam goes to court.

    • Danielle

      Alotta Fagina.

    • Miss Ruth

      Neutralita von Rack.

    • kimmeister

      Bambi Bustee?
      Candi Lickems?

    • DeniseSchipani

      How awesome is it that before i scrolled down, I already knew you were on the charlie’s Angels thing? Carmella Pants

    • @Biting Panda

      Dianna Chestly.

    • eowyn_of_rohan

      Butterscotch Humpsuit.

    • Lisalady161

      Chrissy, thy Angel name is: Beige Badbronzer.

    • MissusBee

      Barbra Hemlong

    • boweryboy

      Ashley Dickinsome.
      This outfit is nasty, and I hate that color of pink? dusty rose? whatevs. It always looks dingy to me. It is the ESPYs afterall, so kudos for dressing for her audience.

      • kimmeister

        It looks like the “flesh” crayon that Crayola used to have, which was subsequently changed to “peach.”

    • Starts with K

      Farrah Fallingout

    • lamamu

      Krystal Lingus.

    • Tanya Wade

      Bree DePantzing

    • RescueMe23

      Dolores Noncolorus

      • Kitten Mittons

        It rhymes with a female body part!

        Now I really want her name to be Mulva. Mulva Longbottom.

        • Anna

          In my competitive swimming days, I swear to God, there was a swimmer named Misty Hyman. Her parents really did not think carefully when naming her.

          • Kitten Mittons

            With a last name like Hyman…..yikes.

            • Anna

              It gets worse. I googled her and her middle name is Dawn. Misty Dawn Hyman. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING PARENTS OF MISTY?!?

            • Kitten Mittons

              And here I was hoping that she got married and changed her name. Poor Misty.

              You do know that you’ve sent me down a rabbit hole now, don’t you? What if she got married and hyphenated?

              I’m going to stop myself before I get too crude. Or maybe too late, but I’m still stopping myself.

            • kimmeister

              I know someone who married Mr. Dix. Her last name was Major. She decided to hyphenate. *facepalm*

            • Kitten Mittons

              Oh, but their children’s names provide endless possibilities!

          • Janet B

            My husband loves (ridiculous) names like that. Our children are lucky we don’t have a descriptive last name.

            • Anna

              Indeed. I’m glad my mom went with something very simple, since my last name is hard to pronounce. Being the only Asian kid in my first grade class with the weird last name, yeah that was fun.

            • Good Shot Green

              I work with a woman named Barbara Dwyer. Barb Dwyer. Pretty awesome if you ask me.

          • Kitten Mittons

            Okay, I know I said I was stopping myself, but this also reminded me of an email I saw the other day. We had two new employees starting at another location, and so the email went out that new employees Pooni and Tittsworth would be reporting for duty. They both had to start on the same day? Really??

            • Anna

              Lol, I know a Patsy Poon IRL too.

            • Kitten Mittons

              If Patsy has a marriageable sibling, I hope Misty never meets him/her.

            • Anna

              HAHAHAHAH. Well, according to Wikipedia, Misty overcame her unfortunate name. She was Olympic champion in her event at the Sydney games. It’s a good thing we weren’t asked to be the announcers, although I can just imagine the jokes behind the scenes.

            • Kitten Mittons

              Oh, so she did just fine, lol. I’ll quit worrying about her future, then. She can always soothe herself to sleep with her medals.

              Yes, we would have been fired on the spot by the network. I am not mature enough for all that.

            • Anna

              Totally. I’ve lost track of how often I have to check myself and refrain from making, “That’s what she said,” jokes at work.

            • Kitten Mittons

              GIRL.

              I’m always having to place orders for mechanical parts like nipples, nuts, drain cocks, etc.

              It is so HARD (that’swhatshesaid) to be professional sometimes.

            • Anna

              LOL, belly laughed in the middle of work at “drain cock” just now. Thankfully, no one was around to ask what was so funny.

            • Peeve

              I worked in engineering for a paper machinery manufacturer. Installations were called ‘erections’. As one of only a few women working in Engineering, why was I always the one who had to work so hard not to laugh at that! Every time!

            • Kitten Mittons

              Yeah, my theory is they get all their giggles out during bathroom breaks, probably between tickle fights and sing-alongs. We just laughed at our desks.

          • portlandmermaid

            I knew a girl named Treasure Chest. I’m sure she had a great time in high school.

          • Kent Roby

            I really truly met a guy named Mike Hunt; when he introduced himself I replied “Your WHAT???” before it registered. So embarrassing!

          • RescueMe23

            We had a girl in high school – first name was Betsy – last name was Pickle – middle name Ada = Betsy Ada Pickle. I kid you not!

            • kimmeister

              I love it when the middle name is key. My friend’s grandmother was named Ima Jean and she married Mr. Pool.

          • Mrs. C

            I went to school with Mia Ho. No lie.

            • demidaemon

              I am in tears over this conversation!

            • kimmeister

              She probably went by Ida as a nickname.

        • Kent Roby

          one of the best Seinfeld’s ever!

          • Kitten Mittons

            I think it’s so genius because you’re guessing along with them. I remember watching that episode when it aired, sitting there going, “Fabia? Britt? What the $#^$% could it be?”

            The reveal of her name at the end was perfection.

            • RescueMe23

              Exactly – Then when they finally did reveal it you’re thinking “oh Yeah!”

            • Kent Roby

              And after an entire episode of the audience guessing , I doubt that anyone came up with Delores! Genius.

            • Kitten Mittons

              I certainly didn’t :)

    • IamstillAnonymous

      Ima Tease

    • SewingSiren

      Hera Zippa Braken

    • Dorothy & Michael n/a

      Tatiana Triphazard

    • FrigidDiva

      Dusty Holdsherpee–all I could think with this jumpsuit was that this one looks even more impossible to go to the ladies room in than the others. How can you indulge in champagne if it takes you an hour to go to the bathroom.

    • Jessica Freeman

      Pansy Puddles

    • gitchygitchymama

      from the padded shoulders down the challenged neckline to the poorly positioned waist thru to the dragging bell bottoms – we give you;
      Miss Ida GoHome…………and wash your face.

      • MoHub

        I’m not sure anything cut that low can still be called a neckline.

    • Patrick Scott

      Bianca Vajean?

    • Kent Roby

      Chesty Turlington, of course!

    • Jaeda Laurez

      The color looked better on TV. Kaep definitely appreciated the effort lol.

      Peaches Partition.

    • Janet B

      Honey Takitov

      • portlandmermaid

        Bingo!

    • MoHub

      Bubsy Allout

    • MilaXX

      Sandie Boobsky and she uses a tiny little heart for the dot on the i.

      • Peeve

        Extra credit for the heart dot!

    • Comfy

      Thin people think they can wear *anything*.

    • little britches

      Sharon Boddis
      Becky D’Colataggio
      Alison Des Splaex
      Peaches Weeks
      Carrie Hams
      Jean Hemsworthy
      Sunny Plecksis
      Sonja Sands
      Sahara Valli
      Missy Brecks

      Nadia Couvert
      Perdita Bibb
      Suzanne Klavicelli
      Georgia Papadoloulos

    • Pamdela

      Laughing so hard at work, people are starting to notice. OMG, uncles are killing it!

    • holla

      Greta Voolva

    • Miss wks

      Gumbee

      • random_poster

        You know, I have give you that one after reading through the others. Way to get directly to the source of the problem!

      • alyce1213

        How daring! A one-namer. Just “Gumbee.”

    • Connie Ray Titty

      Lonni Longcrotch

    • decormaven

      Honey Dews

    • Heather

      Charlie’s Angels, or porn star names? The BKs are certainly a saucy bunch. :-)

    • MK03

      Does anyone else immediately think of Space Mutiny and Mystery Science Theater 3000 whenever they see a list of names?

      Roll Fizzlebeef.

      • Angela_the_Librarian

        Punch RockGroin!

      • Bonnie Blue

        OMG, yes, I LOVE that episode, I once made a list of all the names from that movie and it is so hilarious.

    • evave2

      I had to look her up. She is a model. She also appears to be professionally inept. This is so inappropriate. Just inappropriate. I know she is a swimsuit model but this looks so…inappropriate. A business dinner with her boobs falling out. Is this how the other swimsuit models who showed up looked? Omigosh.

      • conniemd

        It’s the ESPY awards. They are held every year by ESPN the day after the all-star game. Since it’s mostly testosterone driven males receiving awards, I figure boobs falling out is exactly what the audience wanted to see.

    • Coolekat

      Horrible and tawdry. Whatever that is she’s wearing is ugly, a terrible color and out of season. It’s summer!

    • Alyssa

      This post & comments section is making me giggle hysterically!

    • Dino Bonačić

      Klarisse Shoiretleggs

    • Gatto Nero

      Barbie Bland.

    • cocohall

      Has anyone else noticed that our little Chrissy is the master of misdirection? Meaning, I think the girl went and got her teeth capped. She used to have slightly small, square-shaped teeth. This smile looks like she’s ready to anchor the evening news. She debuted the new teeth a few weeks ago, but wore a wig with bangs so you would think “there is something different, but it must just be the hair.” Now she is serving up boobs, boobs for days, intergalactically visible boobs, and smiling like there’s no tomorrow, because again, who is thinking about teeth when the girls are out WORKING? I think she must be setting herself up to transition from swimsuit model to something more along the lines of Miss Heidi. Girls got game.

      • Gatto Nero

        Maybe she’ll be entirely bionic in a few months.

      • Denise Alden

        Interesting, I hadn’t noticed this, but I think you may be on to something. I’d never really given her much thought, but then I saw her on Hollywood Game Night and damned if I didn’t fall in love with her brand of feisty and spunky. Example: she made it a point to say that SHE bought their house (she’s married to John Legend) that was featured in AD. She looks like a model, but talks like she takes no prisoners.

      • alyce1213

        Very astute analysis.

        • MilaXX

          She already scored a cheesy looking competition show on VH-1. It’s a food show about making junk food.

        • cocohall

          I don’t think Mrs. John Legend, genetically gifted as she is, would be anything other than smart and ambitious. They seem like a true power couple to watch.

    • almondemy

      Highwaist Hettie – Oh, wait, that’s her Old West Cowgirl name. I meant, Hettie Highwaist.
      Debby Drooper
      Peaches Pooches (seriously, how can a woman with a perfect waist look like she’s pooching out of a polyester jumpsuit? How could a jumpsuit be too tight and too loose at the same time?!)
      Babs Bronzer
      Loretia Wideleg, Lady of Leisure
      Nipsy Lame-Bowbelt, and that’s pronounced Lah-MAY, buddy.

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      I’m struck dumb.

    • Thomas

      Rhoda Dickhard (Stole that from one of the local drag queens)

    • FibonacciSequins

      I think you got it almost right with your first try – how about

      Cathy Cammelteux

      • Thomas

        Ooh Good one!

    • http://phantomminuet.blogspot.com/ MinAgain

      Tawny Mc Busty

    • J.W.

      There was a gynecologist in town named Dr. Kuntz…I kid you not. Also, my husband’s urologist is named Dr. Dicks. Dr. Dicks is married to a gynecologist named Dr. Gross. When they first got married they considered a hyphenated name but decided they just couldn’t handle Dr. Gross-Dicks. It’s all true.

      • Thomas

        It’s like Anthony Weiner. Some people should really consider changing their names for their profession haha

        • conniemd

          There is a chiropractor in our town whose name is Dr. Handwerk. It always cracks me up.

        • J.W.

          Yup. But he is a wiener.

      • housefulofboys

        My first job in high school was typing and stuffing marketing envelopes to every doctor in the state of Massachusetts (worst.job.ever). I remember giggling hysterically over these names and more. Dr. Dead, Dr. Fool and Dr. Booze have always stuck in my mind lo these many years.

        • J.W.

          That’s great!

        • Kitten Mittons

          My doctor’s name is Dr. Waite. Perfect name for a doctor!

      • PinkyK

        I had a Dr. Slaughter once.

        • J.W.

          Gives one a great deal of confidence in a doctor with that name!

          • breathlss79

            My friend had a dentist named Lou Smouler.

      • Gatto Nero

        I had a hand specialist named Dr. Finger. No joke.

        • J.W.

          I knew a chiropractor named Dr. Handfinger.

          • MandyM

            There is a urologist in Austin, TX named Dick Chop. Seriously. Google it.

            • J.W.

              Ouch!

    • Sara Brams-Miller

      WHY WITH THE PANTS AND THE LACK OF HEMMING?????

    • joancarol

      Farrah Fagina

    • Jacob Bowen

      Valerie Amplebosoms!

    • MissKimP

      Bronzina Baird

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/TheOctocornNetwork International Model

      Paula DeCupp or Sandy St. Croiche.

    • Lower L

      Taudra Sternumly

    • random_poster

      Cathy Carameltaux??!!!!! I am dying with laughter over here!

    • BeeBeauNYC

      Tits MaGee

    • James Wurm

      Tia Née

    • GSMSF

      Boobra Posey

    • PinkyK

      Crystal Crotchdrop

    • conlakappa

      Reallee MyManIsStraight. Boobs For-Days. Mrs. Titsaplenty.

    • Bonnie Blue

      Tawnee Puddlepants.

    • unbornfawn

      Dying laughing here at the wit and creativity of the Bitter Kittens! Love you all.

    • Kristen

      Kim Cocteese

    • marlie

      The top is too big and the placement of the belt is doing weird things to the shape and proportions of the abdomen area. Also, long sleeves again?

    • Gerry Coleman

      Felacia Sternum

    • TRSTL

      “Busty Polyester” “Titsy Puddlepants””

    • Kate4queen

      Sassy Galora

    • KateShouldBeWorking

      It’s a shame Chesty LaRue is already taken.

    • somebody blonde

      Connie Redfox. But seriously, what a terrible outfit.

    • KT

      It’s unfair that women with a little more up top can’t wear plunging necklines like these without being deemed trashy. Put this on someone flat-chested and it’s daring and saucy; put it on a big-breasted woman and it becomes “slutty.” Harrumph.

      I actually like the idea of a 70s-style jumpsuit on her, but I agree that the color and fit are not helping at all.

    • demidaemon

      Yuck!

      Name: Jasmine Deveraux.

      That’s what I came up with, at least.

    • Peeve

      Anastasia Beaverhausen!

    • Vtg Fashion Library

      Hairzen Boobsenass.

    • dash1211

      Sunni Daze

    • JynxTheCat

      Sandy Beigebottom

    • Shaeyjosan

      just no… an oatmeal onesie with power shoulder pads. Baby Bustamonte

    • frannyprof

      Roxanne Vinylcrotch (Roxy V. for short)

    • understateddiva

      Tawny Trainwreck. All of me hates all of this (outfit).

    • GemFemme

      Lacey Laguna
      Giselle Mons
      Cherry Nips

    • KirFla

      Wilma Bumguard

    • quiltrx

      Summer Shinyparts.
      (seriously, is that blush/bronzer all over her entire face? this is maybe the worst I’ve seen her look.)

    • Mona_Visa

      Sharon Fairview

    • ktr33

      Ima Cheezbaul

    • Miss Atomic

      Dawn Breastige (pronounced like prestige)

    • Laura Livingston

      Taffy Meltalots

    • macwell

      Chrisiie Hemyourpantsupfourinchescauseyougonnatripgirl….-_-

    • David L Gibson

      Sue Lutty-Booshound