Celebrities, please remove your keys and wallet, place them in the trays provided and step into the judging booth holding your arms over your head. If we all cooperate, we can have you on your way in no time, okay? Don’t make us get the stick.
Alison Brie in Giambattista Valli
A little on the bedsheet-y side of things, but still quite pretty.
Anne Hathaway in Viktor&Rolf
It’s … okay. We don’t know what it is, but neither of her Oscars 2014 dresses really set us on fire. And it’s strange, because we’ve been absolutely loving her street style ever since she got the new stylist. But the red carpet stuff failed to impress.
Aubrey Plaza in Emilio Pucci
The sheer panel’s a little awkward, but this is SO her dress. She looks great.
Elisabeth Moss in Houghton
Are you kidding us? What the hell is that? It looks like a bra drawn by a 5-year-old.
Ellen Page in Saint Laurent
It’s amazing what being open and true to yourself can do for your personal style, right Ellen? Brava. It might be a tiny bit of a post-coming out cliche look, but it’s honestly the best she’s ever looked in our eyes.
Emma Roberts in Fendi
AWFUL. Someone should have told her that tomato-reds are completely off the table. It’s actually a great little dress, but the color does terrible things to her skin and the shape doesn’t really suit her. The matchy shoes bug us, of course.
Emmy Rossum in Monique Lhuillier
The Ghost of Oscars Past.
In weird shoes.
Kristen Bell in Zuhair Murad
She looks gorgeous.
Paula Patton in Celia Kritharioti
SUCK IT, ROBIN.
Having said that, the dress is only okay. She’s working the HELL out of it, but as dresses go, we wouldn’t normally be so laudatory. But it’s MILES AHEAD of her normal red carpet wear, which is usually so tacky and hoochie that we sometimes wondered if it was all a put-on. More importantly, lady is FEELING IT at the moment.
Saoirse Ronan in Valentino
We think the sleeves and the collar take it too far, but overall, it’s a beautiful and dramatic look. Kinda hate the hair, though.
Taylor Swift in Julien MacDonald
Damn, girl. Welcome to the grownups table.
Zooey Deschanel in Oscar de la Renta
Really, really pretty. The shape is lovely on her, the romantic tone is totally her thing, and the print is both welcome on this night, and interesting to boot. And we like her hair, for once. Hate the bag, though.
[Photo Credit: Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images]
And if you’re loving our Oscars red carpet bitchery, you might consider checking out our new book, darling! “A hilarious critique of celebrity culture,” they called it! We’re proud. And shameless.
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