Vanity Fair Oscar Party Red Carpet Rundown – Part 1

Posted on March 05, 2014

Kittens, it’s Wednesday and most of these people have happily welcomed carbs back in their life by now because awards season is well behind them. But there are just so damn many of these attention-seekers wearing so damn many outfits, that we fear we’re just gonna have to get quick n’ dirty and stay that way until we’re done with them. Are you with us?

We said ARE YOU WITH US?

Then let’s get judgy with it.

 

Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera

 We have to believe she had a different dress picked out in case she won. This is just too preciously bleh for us. We don’t like literal goddess gowns. And the lumpy twisty strap doesn’t look pretty to us.

 

 

Anna Kendrick in Atelier Versace

 TONS better than her ceremony dress, which we considered one of the worst of the night. Girl, why didn’t you wear this to present?

 

 

Elizabeth Banks in Jenny Packham

 Whut.

Why do we get the impression she walked out her front door with a gaggle of queens standing in the foyer behind her, desperately trying to stifle their laughter? Those bitches. We hope you gave them hell when you got home, girl.

 

 

Eva Rachel Wood in Elie Saab Couture

 Bow the fuck down. Serving perfection.

This green was our favorite color trend of the night. June Squibb, Viola Davis and Idina Menzel all rocked (to varying degrees of success) variations on it.

 

 

Kate Beckinsale in Elie Saab Couture

Somebody’s not fooling around tonight. The spotlight WILL be grabbed.

Attagirl.

 

Kate Hudson in Zuhair Murad Couture

 We’d be all up and down praising the shit out of this as a personal best if she hadn’t WERQ’d that gorgeous Versace at the ceremony.

 

 

Miranda Kerr in Kaufmanfranco

She looks like an extra in a movie scene set at the Oscars. It’s just a little too on point, y’know?

Gorgeous, of course.

 

 

Naomie Harris in Naeem Khan

LOVE. On a lesser woman this could look a little tablecloth-y, but the red looks so amazing on her and it fits her so beautifully.

 

 

Penelope Cruz in H&M

 It’s alright.

 

 

Reese Witherspoon in Hugo Boss

 Girl, That’s Not Your Dress.

And to be fair, we’re not entirely sure that shape makes it any girl’s dress. It does terrible things to the body, dividing it up into shapes.

 

Rosario Dawson in Vivienne Westwood

Another dress that’s almost too on point, but it’s a beautiful color. Tone down the baby heads and rethink the makeup (not working for us for some reason) and we’d be snapping our fingers and rolling our necks in approval.

 

 

Selena Gomez in Emilio Pucci

 It’s pretty, but shapeless. And she clearly has no idea how to work the garment. Stick to what you know, dear. Leave the tough dresses to the professionals.

 

 

 

[Photo Credit: Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images]

And if you’re loving our Oscars red carpet bitchery, you might consider checking out our new book, darling! “A hilarious critique of celebrity culture,” they called it! We’re proud. And shameless. 

 

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