Vanity Fair Oscar Party Red Carpet Rundown – Part 1

Posted on March 05, 2014

Kittens, it’s Wednesday and most of these people have happily welcomed carbs back in their life by now because awards season is well behind them. But there are just so damn many of these attention-seekers wearing so damn many outfits, that we fear we’re just gonna have to get quick n’ dirty and stay that way until we’re done with them. Are you with us?

We said ARE YOU WITH US?

Then let’s get judgy with it.

 

Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera

 We have to believe she had a different dress picked out in case she won. This is just too preciously bleh for us. We don’t like literal goddess gowns. And the lumpy twisty strap doesn’t look pretty to us.

 

 

Anna Kendrick in Atelier Versace

 TONS better than her ceremony dress, which we considered one of the worst of the night. Girl, why didn’t you wear this to present?

 

 

Elizabeth Banks in Jenny Packham

 Whut.

Why do we get the impression she walked out her front door with a gaggle of queens standing in the foyer behind her, desperately trying to stifle their laughter? Those bitches. We hope you gave them hell when you got home, girl.

 

 

Eva Rachel Wood in Elie Saab Couture

 Bow the fuck down. Serving perfection.

This green was our favorite color trend of the night. June Squibb, Viola Davis and Idina Menzel all rocked (to varying degrees of success) variations on it.

 

 

Kate Beckinsale in Elie Saab Couture

Somebody’s not fooling around tonight. The spotlight WILL be grabbed.

Attagirl.

 

Kate Hudson in Zuhair Murad Couture

 We’d be all up and down praising the shit out of this as a personal best if she hadn’t WERQ’d that gorgeous Versace at the ceremony.

 

 

Miranda Kerr in Kaufmanfranco

She looks like an extra in a movie scene set at the Oscars. It’s just a little too on point, y’know?

Gorgeous, of course.

 

 

Naomie Harris in Naeem Khan

LOVE. On a lesser woman this could look a little tablecloth-y, but the red looks so amazing on her and it fits her so beautifully.

 

 

Penelope Cruz in H&M

 It’s alright.

 

 

Reese Witherspoon in Hugo Boss

 Girl, That’s Not Your Dress.

And to be fair, we’re not entirely sure that shape makes it any girl’s dress. It does terrible things to the body, dividing it up into shapes.

 

Rosario Dawson in Vivienne Westwood

Another dress that’s almost too on point, but it’s a beautiful color. Tone down the baby heads and rethink the makeup (not working for us for some reason) and we’d be snapping our fingers and rolling our necks in approval.

 

 

Selena Gomez in Emilio Pucci

 It’s pretty, but shapeless. And she clearly has no idea how to work the garment. Stick to what you know, dear. Leave the tough dresses to the professionals.

 

 

 

[Photo Credit: Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images]

And if you’re loving our Oscars red carpet bitchery, you might consider checking out our new book, darling! “A hilarious critique of celebrity culture,” they called it! We’re proud. And shameless. 

 

    • ScarlettHarlot

      Evan Rachel Wood looks fantastic, and that smile on her face shows she knows it!

      • Coleen

        I think she is my best-dressed of the whole night.

      • Sara Brams-Miller

        There was definitely a gasp.

      • homofascist

        She is always one of my style favorites. Let’s hope she does another pole dance soon!

        • H2olovngrl

          I LOVE how she can rock the retro looks without it being too literal. She is always one to watch on the style front.

      • Jecca2244

        She JUST had a baby, too! wow.

      • Mitchellplou

        She looks like Lady Edith if she was born first!

      • alyce1213

        I had a few favorites, but this topped them all.

    • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ Alicia

      I’m pretty sure Selena Gomez’s dress was supposed to go to Heidi Klum.

      • Frank_821

        Ironically that dress would have worked a lot better on her if it were short

      • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

        For starters, she is still too baby-faced for dresses like that.

        • jen_vasm

          Exactly. Plunging necklines on 6 year olds are awkward.

      • marlie

        The half-lining is also a bit of a needle scratch. It should have been completely lined.

        • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ Alicia

          It’s all that sheer leg that makes it so Heidi! Completely lined or cut off above the knee would have been better.

      • kmk05

        On the other hand, aren’t you happy she’s laying off the extensions?

        She fills out the dress nicely but looks extremely awkward: it’s too much dress for her.

        • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ Alicia

          That counts as laying off the extensions?! I just thought she left the curling tongs at home.

          • kmk05

            Ha! Maybe not ALL the extensions, but she must have left off at least half: usually the hair swallows her up and here the top of her head (up to her ears) looks pretty normal. That, or they usually backcomb her entire head with the extensions and they dispensed with that.

      • leahpapa

        I thought the same thing about Kate Beckinsale’s.

      • andreawey

        I agree and I was thinking the same thing about Anna Kendrick wearing Charlize Theron’s dress, she’s just too petite….

    • stellamaris73

      Evan owned the night in that dress. Perfection.

    • @Biting Panda

      I miss ERW, I’m ready for her to return to the working world.
      Bless Anna K. We love her, everyone does. She’s won Twitter. And yet, she flubs the RC 50% of the time. Someone on her team can pull good pieces, but is that person making the final call? I think not,
      Selena G. Stop it honey. You know what I mean.
      Reesey Piecey? Tits out? That is not congruent with all that parking lot prep we’ve been seeing. Stick to your new voice dear.

      • mshesterp

        Tits out (which I’m surprisingly not against) but then that mumsy too-long skirt! It doesn’t make sense (and the shoes suck). If you’re gonna go Heidi Klum, go full out Heidi Klum, girl.

        • marlie

          The bodice and the skirt make her torso and her lower half look like two rectangles. Not flattering at all.

      • Jessica Freeman

        Just remembered Resse is an Oscar winner…what in the hell? This is how you show up?

      • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

        Anna Kendrick’s dress would like you to know where her chocha is.

      • Clash D

        Reese, ugh. Dress looks like the designer ran out of choice fabric and the only thing left available was scaffolding mesh.

    • Stella Zawistowski

      Am I the only crazypants who actually kind of likes Effie Trinket’s look? I love the color and the textures and embellishments, albeit possibly crazy, are such fun!

      • sundaynightaddict

        The color is so good on her that it’s swaying me more than I ought to be swayed, for sure.

      • Kim Vo

        I love it too. I like the fact that she’s wearing separates, and I think it looks fun and chic.

      • Nicole C

        I think it’s also just a awkward photo of her. She usually looks a lot perkier. Her Modern Family character would have sassed it up! I would too, if I had the expendable income ;-)

      • MilaXX

        The skirt is shaped weird even for that a type of skirt. The color is lovely, the skirt not so much

      • decormaven

        It reads more cocktail party to me, rather than swanky Oscars after party. The color is sublime on her, though.

      • kmk05

        Was just about to type this! Just because of her character, I’m fully behind this. The colour is gorgeous on her as well.

      • Chickadeep

        The color is divine, and particularly pretty on someone with her coloring. And I’m one of those crazypants with an inordinate and somewhat inexplicable love of feathered skirts and trim (I blame those late ’60s/early ’70s variety shows with their glamorous, eye-popping feather-trimmed costumes, and also a lot of time spent watching drag shows during my formative years), so I give her a pass on those. It’s only the top I have an issue with, and only because it cuts off at a weird place.

      • luludexter

        I love the skirt it’s a lot of fun and yes the color is lovely. the top, not so much.

      • lunchcoma

        I like it too, though I don’t know if it was a good choice for this event because it’s so very Effie Trinket. I think I’d approve if she’d worn it to a Catching Fire event instead.

      • gloriana232

        I love it, but it’s kind of daytime or cocktail party. An Oscar party is more black-tie.

    • Josefina Madariaga Suárez

      Kate Hudson was not fooling around, my fellow kittens, and she brought it and took it with her back home.

      Rosario Dawson’s look required more dramatic makeup. It’s the Vanity Fair Oscar Party, one would think this goes without saying.

      And I didn’t realize until now how badly I’ve missed Evan Rachel Wood. Welcome back, Your Royal Fierceness.

    • Frank_821

      ERW is working the gatsby fierceness down to a tee

    • Introspective

      Evan Rachel Wood is a PhD level wearer of couture. I expect nothing less, and this dress fits the bill 1000%. Beautiful color, beadwork and fit.

      Kate Hudson might have to get her style doctorate too given the way she rocked the shit out of her dresses that night. Bitch served and we will deal!

      • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

        Evan Rachel Wood’s dress is very similar to what Angelina Jolie wore, but for some reason Angelina – Angelina! – made it look matronly. This green number is gorgeous.

        • schadenfreudelicious

          The blouson type top to Angelina’s dress is what did it, and yes Angelina and matronly are two words that normally do not compute…

          • Kitten Mittons

            And those looser sleeves on Angelina’s, as well. ERW’s works better on all levels and in all details.

        • Kayceed

          ERW has a thin belt to cinch the waist just a smidge – a good idea with the blousen silhouette. Angelina failed to pay attention to detail.

    • Noah

      I gasped at Evan Rachel Wood’s dress. Absolutely adore it. And, really, why DIDN’T Anna Kendrick wear that to the ceremony? Did she really sit there and think, “I need roses on a sheer midriff cutout for this presentation! I’ll just throw the other one on for Vanity Fair.” Girl, please.

      • demidaemon

        I can’t wrap my head around it either.

    • MilaXX

      Can ladies PLEASE start wearing lipstick in an actual color again. Only Evan Rachel, Miranda & Reese seem to realize how much brighter the face looks with it.
      Hate the orthopedic pantyhose color on Kate’s dress. Anna Kendrick really should have worn that dress to the awards instead of the monstrosity she she wore. Elizabeth Bank’s skirt looks like her team punked her. Kate Beckinsale s more of an of course than Sophia Vergara could ever be.

    • marlie

      Evan Rachel Wood blows everyone else out of the water here. She looks outstanding. Kate Hudson, Rosario Dawson, Naomie Harris and Anna Kendrick are all also gorgeous.

    • Capt. Renault

      Full marks to Amy Adams — that’s the best dress I’ve ever seen made from a shower curtain liner.

    • Anna

      -Evan Rachel Wood owns, absolutely flawless.
      -Kate Beckinsale is looking like Sofia Vergara.

      -Reese, that is heinous. Is that low viscosity rayon?

      • Josefina Madariaga Suárez

        With a half-loop top stitching on the hem?

        • Jeremiah Capacillo

          “Whoever said orange is the new pink is seriously disturbed.”

          • Josefina Madariaga Suárez

            I want to see Reese teaching all the ladies at the party the “bend and snap” tecnique.

        • Anna

          Of course. It’s one of a kind.

    • Jessica Freeman

      I agree that that should have been Anna’s Oscar dress, what a shame. The top of Amy’s dress seems small, its boring but lovely.

      Evan Rachel Wood FTW. Reese: epic fail. What party did she think she was going to?

    • Sobaika

      LOVE Naomie Harris’ gown, but I wish she’d done something different with her hair.

      • marlie

        Naomie desperately needs a hair intervention. Her hair looks good – great even – but she needs to change up the style every once in a while. If Lupita Nyongo, with NO hair, can come up with a half dozen different styles in a given week, there’s no reason why Naomie can’t either.

    • Victoria Anzalone

      Evan Rachel Wood’s dress is to die for.

    • ashtangajunkie

      ERW wins part 1. Naomie Harris would have be a tie for first had she had her hair done – that gown is gorgeous.

    • Pablo

      Can I borrow someone’s magnifying glass to look for selena’s breasts? Seriously, that dress is doing her no favors

    • Ginger

      Kate Beckinsale looks desperate.
      Anna Kendrick’s dress is stunning. I love the art deco shapes in the skirt.
      ERW looks fan-fucking-tastic. That dress takes my breath away.

    • GillianHolroyd

      Amy Adams looks like the goddess is sliding right off of her.

    • makeityourself

      Amy Adams in Mary McFadden.

      Kate Beckinsale = Elizabeth Hurley = a subset of Joan Collins.

      • Imasewsure

        Except Elizabeth Hurley – and definitely Joan Collins – had a fun naughty side that made them a hell of a lot more interesting

    • Danielle

      Selena is almost unrecognizable.

    • ralish

      Evan Rachel Wood looks absolutely breathtaking.

    • decormaven

      The design of Reece Witherspoon’s dress bugs; while it’s not apparent in this shot, the bodice had side boob issues.

      • GeoDiva

        Have you seen the photos from inside the party? Her side boobage was horrible! It was beyond vulgar and completely tasteless. That dress should be burned and Reese should be having her lawyers buy all the photo rights so no one has to see them again.

    • decormaven

      Miranda Kerr is beautiful, but the dear uncles called- that dress is too on point. Thanks for the shot of ERW – fashionista PhD, indeed.

    • Fisher&SonsFuneralHome

      Miranda Kerr looks like the girl who escorts the winners to the correct side of the stage.

      • kmk05

        Definitely not feeling her look in pictures. Maybe when in movement it looked less dated?

    • Sarah

      I would say this is the one of the best rundowns in a long time – I almost love every single outfit with the exception of the wretched H&M one Penelope’s wearing.

    • Alyssa

      ERW looks amazing! Would have much preferred Anna Kendrick to wear this on the carpet…so much better than what she wore. Agree with the others, Naomie’s dress was stunning, but she needed to fix her hair. Kate Hudson – wow, two back to back stunners! Someone was looking for attention, and hopefully got it!

    • Kelly

      Evan Rachel Wood’s look is my favorite; gorgeous dress and modern flapper styling. But what was Reese thinking? And note to Elizabeth Banks — Effie Trinket is a character, not your red-carpet doppelganger. Great color, though.

    • Farthingale

      Can we ship Reese Witherspoon’s dress off to Marc Jacobs?

      • demidaemon

        Are you implying he should wear it? if so, i bow down to your shade.

        • Farthingale

          I am indeed.

          • demidaemon

            *genuflects before you*

            • Farthingale

              Nods benignly.

    • luludexter

      I’m really digging this art deco/beading/30s trend…

    • cocohall

      Elizabeth Banks in fashion by Swiffer! Spray a little Endust on her skirt and clean-up is a breeze! Amy Adams looks pretty, but I’d be afraid to wear this dress into a crowded party. No way someone doesn’t spill a drink on you. Kate Beckinsale is clearly looking for work. That dress says “I CAN COMPETE! Make way all you trollops born after 1990!” Reese for shit’s sake – you can look all fetch in your parking lot tour and then you come to an Oscar party in this bi-polar number? The top half says dominatrix and the bottom half says Mrs. Doubtfire. Evan Rachel Wood is the best of the lot here. Classy, and not too much of the goods on display. And the color sings on her.

    • Gatto Nero

      Selena, dear, your Spanx is showing.
      Penelope could do so much better.
      Otherwise, a pretty impressive group.

    • Jaeda Laurez

      Kate Beckinsale is a leggy ball of “Who is that again?” You could have stuck an entirely different brunette-ish, blonde-ish person with that caption and I would have gone with it. Like that Allison Williams girl, but with far less interesting (and disastrous) attempts at fashion.

    • V No Privacy

      If Kate Beckinsale doesn’t wear a strapless mermaid style gown on the red carpet, did the event even really exist?

    • luludexter

      I know I’m in the minority here, but I really love Elizabeth Banks’ skirt – it’s so fun – I just wish it had a different top with it.

    • SewingSiren

      Green wins, followed by red and cliched silver.

    • nycfan

      All I can see is how some ladies hit the actual photocall bullseye and some missed it badly …

      Evan Rachel Wood, Kate Hudson and Naomi all look spectacular, and Anna looks pretty great (tremendous improvement).

    • Cee Layton

      I love the quick and dirty rundowns! So much immediate gratification, it overwhelms. Well, almost. Kate Hudson really is stunning on both counts, and so happy for that. ERW looks completely amazing.

    • suzq

      I disagree on Elizabeth Banks’ ensemble. The color is glorious and the outfit is fun! She can pull off the loose top. The feathers are a hoot! The VF party is not the time to be taking yourself so seriously.

    • KinoEye

      These gowns are a hell of a lot more interesting than what we saw at the ceremony, I think. Evan Rachel Wood wins this round. That Saab is glamorous perfection.

    • SugarSnap108

      EVR looks flawless. And Kate Hudson must’ve taken a course or something, because I don’t recall her ever killing it like this.

    • MW

      Naomie Harris wins this round for me! I love ERW’s look as well but it’s somewhat more expected.

    • DaringMiss

      I want to know how Kate Hudson got her dress to ripple so perfectly — right at the design. I wonder if it is the effect of the beading or if some other infrastructure is involved.

      • ampg

        It has to do with how the weight of the beads interacts with the sheer, lightweight fabric – it naturally folds where there’s the least resistance. It’s a really lovely effect.

    • stubbornthoughts

      Evan Rachel Wood and Naomi Harris are heavenly creatures right here.

    • Jecca2244

      i actually love Banks’ look. different and fun and that color is great.

    • barbarienne

      I always love the assembly-line critique/recaps. Pithy bitchery is the best!

      • JauntyJohn

        I want to open a firm of some kind just so I can call it “Pithy Bitchery,” most especially so that all the young secretaries can answer the phone in a super cheerful tone of voice with: “Pithy Bitchery, how may I direct your call?”

        • demidaemon

          I would love to be part of that company, just to have my name on a card with “Pithy Bitchery.”

        • barbarienne

          I don’t care what that firm is selling; I’ll buy it.

    • Imasewsure

      Pulling a McConaughey, Selena Gomez is wearing her dress for ten years in the future (where she will be her own hero?). Let Charlize hold on to it until then Sweetie… she knows what to do with it

    • lamamu

      Can someone please teach Kate Beckinsale how to close her mouth? She has to be really annoying at the dinner table.

    • ampg

      I’m surprised by how much I like Kate Beckinsale’s dress, even with the cutout. It does a great job of highlighting her shape without being all “SKIN SKIN SKIN!”

      • kimmeister

        She’s so smokin’ hot in that gown that she’s now added to my woman crush list.

    • halleygee

      Evan Rachel Wood – WOW.

    • webslice33

      love Elizabeth Bank’s outfit!! ERW is divine!

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/TheOctocornNetwork International Model

      “Take off the Gown of Triumph and put on the Gown of Shame.”

      • demidaemon

        Amy Adams?

    • sagecreek

      Oh, Reese. You are not hippy, but that dress makes you look so.

    • Kitten Mittons

      Selena’s is just too boxy on her, which makes it look like she’s dressing up in her mom’s clothes to me. She looks lost in it.
      I really like most of the rest of them. As conventional/boring as Amy Adams’ dress is, I really like the lines of the bodice on her.

    • ojosazules

      Evan Rachel just jetted in from her own personal fashion galaxy to spend time with the Earthlings.

    • KT

      These dresses are all miles above the dresses at the actual Oscars ceremony. Wtf.

      Evan Rachel Wood is now my choice for best of the night. Anna Kendrick looks SOOO much better here, and I agree — why the hell wouldn’t you wear this one to present instead?? Naomie Harris looks amazing, Kate Hudson is surprisingly killing it, Kate Beckinsale looks like gold digging Barbie, Miranda Kerr wants you all to know that she is SINGLE NOW!

    • JaCory Deon

      Evan Rachel Wood is the best of this bunch, hell, of the entire thing…she looks like some old Hollywood star there. 10!

    • frannyprof

      Am I the only BK who doesn’t get Zuhair Murad? Why so much illusion netting? Why do ladystars wear him, when nine times out of ten, the dress makes them look like they should be on a stage in Vegas with a feather headdress?

    • quiltrx

      ERW putting them to shame!
      I’m glad to see several dresses of a particular type that I love. Kendrick, Hudson, and Harris are making my eyes smile.

    • Trickytrisha

      Not sure Miss Gomez will ever be ready to play in the big leagues. She’s so darned cute, but put her in grown up clothes and she’s playing dress up.

    • Jacob Bowen

      Wow! If Ms. Hudson could put even HALF of the fabulous energy she puts into getting dressed into making a current, relevant acting career, I would be SO happy!!! I know she was acclaimed for her role in “Almost Famous” and I (with ZERO shame) admit I loved her in “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” but C’MON girl, get back on my screen in a GOOD way!

    • smh4748

      Oh Anna Kendrick! This dress is divine. So sad that wasn’t what she chose to broadcast across the country. Overall, I think a lot of the gowns here are better than what was on the red carpet.

      I don’t get anything that Elizabeth Banks is doing with that outfit though. The first time through, I was aghast at the outfit itself, but upon a second look, I noticed her hair–which is exactly the same style I wear on a no-shampoo day spent in my home.

      • Shawn EH

        Anna, when you look that good with your hair down and in Versace, THAT IS WHAT YOU WEAR! That other mess was so dowdy.

    • Dagney

      Evan Rachel Wood FTW.

      • AnneElliot

        Amazing. Gorgeous Hollywood glamour, and I love the hair. Best of the night!

    • enchanted216

      Evan Rachel Wood just surpassed Cate for my favorite dress of the night!!! LOVE

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      Love Evan Rachel Wood, and yes, Anna Kendrick’s after party dress is so much better than the schmatta she wore to the Oscars…why, Anna, why?
      And why is Elizabeth Banks wearing a shredded blue Swiffer as a skirt?

    • YousmelllikeAnnaWintour

      Eva Rachel Wood for the win. Is anyone else getting Myrna Loy vibe from her?

    • FridaStaire

      Amen!

    • Clash D

      I don’t hate Amy’s dress but her hair and styling here is SO underwhelming. Evan Rachel Woods looks AMAZING.

    • save_the_hobbit

      Evan Rachel Wood looks amazing…crush developing immediately. What a gorgeous shade of green though!

    • amaranth16

      Kate Hudson really brought it this year, didn’t she?

      Loved Naomie Harris.

      Is it just me or was this red carpet way more interesting than the Oscar one, on the whole?

      • livesarah

        I think Oscars are consistently a bit disappointing because everybody plays it so damn safe.