Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Rundown – Part 1

Posted on March 04, 2014

Let’s go, attention whores! Line up for judgment! We don’t have all day, so we’re gonna do this factory-style! Line ’em up, knock ’em down, move ’em out! That’s what we always say! Except we have no issue with saying words that start with th!

Okay, look! We seem to have gone a bit afield! Our point is, we have no time for niceties!

 

 

Channing Tatum (in Gucci) and Jenna Dewan-Tatum (in Reem Acra)

Managing the trick of looking like a glamorous couple and a cute one at the same time. We’ve seen her dress plenty of times before from various designers, but it’s fine by us. Color would have been welcome, but we’re too dazzled by her earrings to complain.

 

 

Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Calvin Klein

Adorable. Although we do wonder sometimes if he can move his eyebrows at all. Love the unconventional tux.

 

 

Goldie Hawn (in Versace) and Kurt Russell

 We’re surprised at how perfectly polished and fitted he is. Granted, he’s been a movie star his entire life and knows how the game is played, but we kinda got the impression he was done playing the game. Her dress is fine, although we don’t like the sleeve-thingies. At Goldie’s age, why would you want a drooping design element like that next to your boobs? It gives the illusion that she’s droopy, when in fact, her bod’s in enviable shape. She desperately needs a more modern haircut, though.

 

 

Julie Delpy in Jenny Packham

Shapeless and colorless. Bored now.

 

 

Olivia Wilde (in Valentino) and Jason Sudeikis (in Prada)

We thought she won the pregnancy style awards. Granted, there doesn’t seem to have been much competition and all she had to do was dress slightly better than Kerry Washington and her sateen sheets, but she really looks glamorous and gorgeous here. He’s looking pretty good too. Loving the tux and the grooming.

 

 

Glenn Close in Zac Posen

 WAY too severe. She doesn’t know how to do soft to save her life.

 

 

Anna Kendrick in J. Mendel

Our pick for worst of the night. While we don’t want to discourage anyone from pushing the Oscars style envelope a little, this was just too tricky for the night.

 

 

Jessica Biel in Chanel Couture

 Yawning now.

 

 

Will Forte

That stubble is inexcusable.

 

 

Liza Minnelli in Vintage Halston

 The blue streak was a cute touch. And we can always get behind the idea of Liza in Halston, but this is clearly too large on her and makes her look like she’s melting, Wicked Witch-style (ironically enough).

 

 

Kevin Spacey in Burberry

 Gorgeous. So digging the midnight blue tux trend. Pants need a slight hemming, though.

 

 

Michael B. Jordan in Givenchy

Those shoes are insane and we LOVE them. We’re not, however, sure this was the time and place for them. They really don’t seem to go with a (semi-)conventional tuxedo. Love the jacket but he needs to undo one button.

 

 

Kristen Bell in Roberto Cavalli

We thought this was pretty at first, but the longer we look at it, the more we think it looks like it’s made out of lint trap pullings.

 

 

Chris Hemsworth in David August

 Gorgeous. Loving the color, the vest, and the grooming. Bravo, Thor.

 

 

Lady Gaga in Atelier Versace

 It’s a great dress. Not as in love with the drag scarf as much as we thought we’d be. And her schtick looks somehow gratifyingly affected and out of place on the Oscars red carpet. No one cares, Steffi.

 

 

Sarah Paulson in Elie Saab

 Enh. So basic. And “tea-stained” should never be your color story on the Oscars red carpet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Jennifer Graylock/INFphoto.com, Peter West/ACE/INFphoto.com]

 

And if you’re loving our Oscars red carpet bitchery, you might consider checking out our new book, darling! “A hilarious critique of celebrity culture,” they called it! We’re proud. And shameless. 

 

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