Jake Gyllenhaal at the “Enemy” Madrid Premiere

Posted on March 21, 2014

Really now, Jake. You just should’ve walked out on the step and repeat carrying a hand-lettered sign that reads “IT’S FOR A ROLE.” Then again, if you walk around carrying a hand-lettered sign looking like this, people are likely to believe you’re offering to spit-clean their windshield for a quarter.



Jake-Gyllenhaal-Enemy-Madrid-Premiere-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (1)Jake Gyllenhaal attends the premiere of “Enemy” in Madrid, Spain.

Jake-Gyllenhaal-Enemy-Madrid-Premiere-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (2)

Jake-Gyllenhaal-Enemy-Madrid-Premiere-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (3)

Jake-Gyllenhaal-Enemy-Madrid-Premiere-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (4)

Jake-Gyllenhaal-Enemy-Madrid-Premiere-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (5)

Ooof. That is SO not your look, son. You can rock a beard, but the beard + the long hair seem to be more than you can handle.

If we were his pretend-stylists, we think we’d just go ahead and embrace the mountain man look. Put him in a Buffalo plaid suit for that lumberjack feel or put him in a fringed jacket for that ’70s rock band look. Use props! Hand him an axe! Or a guitar! An axe AND a guitar!  A guitar shaped like an axe!

You get the idea.

On the other hand, we could’ve just recommended that he actual style his hair with a little bit of product, brush that face-gopher, put on a tie and own the look. As it is, he almost looks embarrassed.





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  • Capt. Renault

    What’s with this suits-with-no-belt trend?

    • 3boysful

      I was just going to type “Where’s the belt?” And no zshuzhed pant legs.

    • Put. On. A belt. Boy stars not wearing belts, lady stars showing us their bras and panties, and anyone wearing a Chanel fanny pack or a Balmain biker jacket should all be asked to go home.

  • TAGinMO

    Too bad, because that suit is a great fit on him.

  • marlie

    The suit looks great, but I hate his shoes. And… I can’t wait until he’s able to shave and get a haircut.

  • Glam Dixie

    I literally recoiled back from the screen at the face. The suit fits him great but the white shirt is hella boring and why no tie or belt? Seems sloppy.

    • Grumpy Girl

      Oh I too would be so on board with Grizzly Adams fluffiness.

      • Sarah

        Grizzly Adams was my first childhood crush. I heart that look.

        • demidaemon

          My problem is that this beard totally distorts the shape of his face and gives him no neck. Also, the tiny ponytail is always a big no-no.

          • Sarah

            Yes, tiny ponytail is for sure a hells nay. Neck-less-ness is a byproduct of full beards, and I cohabitate with a very long and bushy one that serves as a shield for a less-than tastefully located youthful neck tattoo debacle, so I don’t mind that.

          • demidaemon

            That is a totally defensible reason for growing a beard like this. However, on JG, with the clothes, it just reads wrong.

  • @Biting Panda

    Gyllenhaal and beard jokes are just too easy.

    • demidaemon

      HAHAHAHA! Although, the tabloids are going on and on about how he took Swifty’s virginity, then never called her afterwards or came to her B-Day party, and that’s why she reamed him a new one in her latest album.

  • Sarah

    Everyone I know (and live with) looks exactly like this. Apparently long hair + beard = The Great Equalizer. Anyhoo, as a result, I find my preference for actual celebs is that they be more shiny and fancy than this. And wear a belt & tie with their suit.

  • AnaRoW

    You had me at face-gopher. Love the look from the neck down. From the neck up he looks like a Civil War general.

    • 3boysful

      Exactly. The serious face with all the hair makes him look like a daguerreotype. But being in color make it really weird.

    • sugarkane105

      Yes, very Robert E. Lee-chic.

    • DebbieLovesShoes

      “Use props! Hand him an axe! Or a guitar! An axe AND a guitar! A guitar shaped like an axe!” Love the Uncles SO much right now. Actually love them, every time……

  • M_E_S

    Dear God THAT BEARD. Is it just me, or does it make his mouth look weirdly wide and kinda creepy?

    • FrigidDiva

      It really just distorts the whole shape of his lower face. I sat here way too long staring at his beard.

  • MilaXX

    Are we so distracted by that face gopher that he’s getting a pass on pants that are both too small and too long accompanied by shoes that look like he got them from the good will bin?
    More importantly when did sausage Friday turn into Grizzily Adams day. Why are all the male celebs wearing facial hair?

    • Sarah

      The Hipster Effect has trickled up.

    • Grumpy Girl

      I was reading, waiting for someone to call out those abominable pants. Thank you!

    • Jessica Freeman

      Apparently along with their opposite season clothing, beards are included.

    • lunchcoma

      The shoes were the breaking point for me. The hair and beard are obviously for a role, and I can buy that Jake doesn’t know what to do with them. The pants don’t fit well, but that’s a common mistake. There’s no excuse for having scruffy shoes, though.

    • EveEve

      No belt, filthy shoes, rumpled ill-fitting pants. He looks a lot like when my great uncle, right of his tractor, showed up at his sister-in-law’s funeral wearing the only suit he owned from about 40 years ago, and dirt still on his boots. But at least my great uncle had his suspenders on.

  • mellorcr

    This would look slightly better if he got rid of the center part and pulled his hair straight back. But it’s really the shapeless beard that’s killing him.

  • Capt. Renault

    What’s the role, Jake? A remake of Aguirre, the Wrath of God?

    • Sarah

      He’s filming a thriller about a fateful Everest expedition. Because when you’re in the Himalayas, you don’t shave, yo.

      • JR Labrador

        Either that or he’s playing a Yeti.

        • shirab

          I thought Tevye.

    • Farthingale

      Snaps for Werner Herzog shout out.

  • Cyprienne Zed

    Chagrin on his chin. Do not like it, and neither does he.

  • YousmelllikeAnnaWintour

    “I’m a lumber jack and I’m OK…”

  • Qitkat

    Jake here could almost be the twin of my younger brother, which is a little unnerving. Especially since the last time I thought this, it was Brad Pitt for the twin.

  • In_Stitches

    My gut instinct was the same. His head is in costume, the rest of him should be too. Slap him in some jeans and a flannel and it’d look a bit more appropriate. Maybe a tartan suit would work if he wanted to stay fancy? I don’t know…

  • sagecreek

    His shoes are dirty, like he’s been walking down a dusty road. Which might be fine for the role, but NOT FOR THE RED CARPET, MISTER.

  • Dandesun

    It looks like he’s turning into a Wookie.

  • traceyishere

    Stay home.

    • Sheneve Butler

      That’s harsh

  • Jessica Freeman

    Castaway, The Sequel

  • Crystal

    Oh dear god no. Not everyone can rock the Biblical drag look.

    • Alloy Jane

      LOL Biblical drag… But srsly folks, the disparity between the state of his head and that suit is a bit disturbing. I say go with it. Mountain Man up and put on some flannel!

  • Danielle


  • Anna

    I know it’s for a role, but I’m still getting a Vincent Gallo vibe. So, nope.

    • Rand Ortega


      • Anna

        Yup. I am simultaneously upset and grossed out that I thought of that.

    • Erk. Well spotted, but gross.

      • Anna

        Indeed, revolting. I made the mistake of looking at the pictures/making the connection while I was on my lunch break.

        • demidaemon

          I hope that you were able to move past it and enjoy your lunch eventually.

          • Anna

            Yes, thank Lupita! I was able to overcome my nausea and enjoy lunch at my favourite sushi place.

  • kt

    It looks like the weight of his beard is pulling his face forward and down. Heavy lies the crown, as it were

  • Ashleigh

    MAN, that boy can grow some HAIR. good lord. Wonder how it looks in real life since he is fairly short…

  • Imasewsure

    Face gopher!! YES but on a side note, it’s great to see one of the lesser known Castros get out of Cuba for his premiere

  • IMNAngryLiberal

    The proportions of the hair, beard and underlying head photograph so weird — it almost looks as though the head was photoshopped onto the suit.

  • webslice33

    is he on Noah? lol

  • SugarSnap108

    For a moment, I thought he’d gone all Joaquin Phoenix on us. That look does not suit him, nor does the fit of his suit.

    • Sarah

      I thought that too – only that he WAS Joaquin and just reverted to his Hirsute Weirdo Era.

  • Judy_J

    He needs to put a shine on those shoes.

  • Janet B

    Choose one:
    A little product in his hair, a tie, a belt, and better shoes OR plaid shirt, jeans, and leather jacket.

    Axe is slang for a guitar, right?

  • Cheryl

    If you’re going to have long hair, let it flow, don’t grease it back and tie it up in a stupid little bun. I don’t totally hate beards, Jared Leto proves you can still be pretty with one, but I have to say, that is a particularly ugly beard.

  • Hoffa_w_HerHead

    I said Jake looked hotter with a beard.

    Classic case of “Be careful what you wish for…” 😉

  • B_C_J

    The problem is that the beard has grown so bushy, it has altered the shape of his face. He looks like he has no neck. Therefore he looks awkward. Of course, if it’s for a role, then aesthetics don’t matter.

  • decormaven

    Does he have his hair pulled back in a little puff? Dammit, if you’re to wear long locks, wear them down, preferably after they’ve been curried a bit.

  • Guest

    I don’t have anything bad to say about this – I

  • MannahattaMamma

    he’s wearing a Leto, but to carry off a full Leto, you need some serious attitude, maybe some ombre hair, and the male equivalent of a sassy frock. Jake ain’t got none of it.

  • gloriana232

    Ahahahahaha. I love the last photo where he’s looking SO awkward and a photo of his GIANT BEARDO FACE is looming into the photo at the right bottom.

  • I think he should be embarrassed. All that hair may be contractually obligated, but certainly there are better ways of grooming it than this. The glued down, middle part is particularly awful.

    • Clash D

      SO awful it’s practically looks like John Travolta’s toupee.

  • I don’t have anything bad to say about this – I have a thing for beards and long hair on guys, so this is a double treat for me. It seems I have a thing for chic hobos and lumberjacks (who smell good).

  • schadenfreudelicious

    “Jake can currently be found working on his manifesto in his Montana cabin”…

  • Lori

    That is tragic.

  • deelup

    Deploy the mustache wax!

  • jw_ny

    a little temporary hemming tape on the pant cuff…is that too much to ask?

  • Leah Elzinga

    Ra-Ra-RASPUTIN! No? Just me?

  • Nancer

    Oh. My. This is not good. Sorry, Jake, but I just can’t with the beard and the man-bun. Nope.

  • CPK1

    Are the shoes for the same role?

  • LeelaST

    Horrible. Love him but skipping this film, supposedly full of spiders. No thank you.

  • e jerry powell

    Having seen the nude shots from the set for the role he’s shooting, I have to say I’d hit that sixteen ways to Sunday. BUT THOSE WERE THE NUDE SHOTS. The slacks here make me sad. Sloppy tie-back on the hair makes me sadder. There were so many other ways he could have gone for this red carpet that would have been so much better; what TLo suggested is just one of them.

    Okay, so I’d prefer that he had been naked for this red carpet, but that’s just me.

    • demidaemon

      Nude shots can cover up a lot of sins.

      • e jerry powell

        The ones they don’t inspire, anyway.

        • demidaemon


  • FancyPhilly

    I need more cowbell.

  • NMMagpie

    Dammit. I cannot stand when such a handsome man shows up looking like hell.

    For a role or not, this is nothing short of a travesty. #fangirl

  • bitchybitchybitchy

    Face gopher! With this look, Jake could have been in “Noah”(aka The Gladiator stares down an apocalyptic deluge).

  • Valdri8

    Are the friggin’ shoes for a role as well!

  • Clash D

    OMG Even his giant promo head in the last photo is looking at his dubious hem + shoes. Haha.

    I can’t, with that centre-part hair. *throws laptop*

  • demidaemon

    NO. I can’t even look at the suit because his head is so bad.

    • formerlyAnon

      With ya.

  • TwiddlyStun

    YES style the hair. He could try for a Jared Leto.

  • Jacob Bowen

    Was literally just telling another teacher to shave his beard or risk landing on my unnattractive list (as a joke, but really, the beard kills his cute face). Jake, please lose the hair as FAST as possible.

  • jilly_d

    I would still hit that. WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT

    • demidaemon

      More for you!

  • cocohall

    On the plus side, he can really grow a full beard. Not all men can achieve that level of bushiness. So applause for that. But I bet a lot of people on the sidewalk are giving him wide berth. As in “when you see crazy coming, cross the street.” Because that is some unabomber realness there.

  • formerlyAnon

    God no.

  • melanie0866

    He looks like Zach Galifianakis. That is not good.

    And ok, the hair and beard are for a role, but why are his shoes so ratty-looking?

  • Paula Pertile

    Hot Civl War guy who’s just time traveled to the future, but hasn’t quite got the clothes right yet.

  • Wink

    His look is tragic from head to toe. But the ‘skinny’ slacks are the most offensive… as they cling to his legs in a futile attempt to avoid touching his dusty shoes. When will men (and their stylists) accept that most guys do NOT look good in pencil-leg slacks? Geez.

  • Livia Legoix

    Well, suit is perfect, for those who look for tie or belt go somewhere to 40s, this is the in style, but shoes I donˇt understand. Beard and hairs are for the role and he still looks great, how many men can say that? You guys are just down there and he is up there, if you like it or not, he still may shave it, but what will you do,? Turn back to your holes and enjoy another disgusting comments how someone looks awkward. He cannot care less, if he wants to be convincing in particular role. He barely wanted to do some cosmetic procedures with hair style, I believe he appeared there for first 5 minutes and ran away. He is the one who is laughing the last. If you feel offended by his look, take a cold shower.

    • Sweetie, the only person offended here is, quite obviously, you.

  • Constant Reader

    Santa: The Early Years

  • Amanda Miller

    What role is this for? Ted Kazinski?

  • Jake Gyllenhaal or Jim Henson?

  • YourBaloneyDontGotNoSecondName

    That is a beard that needs a buzz cut on top and assless leather chaps on bottom.

  • Eric Stott

    Could be a great beard with a little product and brushing.

  • ShaoLinKitten

    I’m a girl who likes a shaggy man. Long hair and big beard does not have to equate with unkempt. With some minor tweaking, this headsuit could work. As it stands, he looks like the whole thing has gotten away from him. ‘Tis a pity.
    ETA: I’d still do him.

  • Fuchaforever

    Love you Uncles! You make me laugh so much! Lol

  • Fuchaforever

    Um, no. No, no, no.

  • lillyvonschtupp

    He looks like a wanted felon on ‘To Catch a Predator’ .

  • LuisaNL

    good god, he looks like Moses. Or Noah.

  • MightyMarshal

    He needs to wax that beard and either add some volume to the top of his head and lose the center part or go full center part and wear it down like Jared Leto.

  • Gatto Nero

    The Neanderthal look doesn’t suit him at all. But if it’s for a role — well he still could have tidied up.
    He might also have polished his shoes.

  • Columbinia

    Jake G. *does* look embarrassed and awkward, like he’s the brother-in-law who’s been forced out of his basement lair and into a suit for a mandatory wedding/funeral/bar mitzvah and just can’t stand being around dressed up people and music he doesn’t like.

  • SierraDelta


  • elemspbee

    shoes are awesome.

  • quiltrx

    Whoever is doing this to Donnie Darko…STOP.

  • Raspberry2012

    Oh, honey….

  • lalahartma

    So true: “On the other hand, we could’ve just recommended that he actual style his hair with a little bit of product, brush that face-gopher, put on a tie and own the look.” How about some beard balm, dammit!

  • mdcoon127

    “Brush that face gopher”…I die…

  • CageyKG

    Has he been cast in Casey Affleck’s next mockumentary?

  • LambeeBaby

    He’s got Muppet face I pic #4

  • JP

    I was wondering when Jake turned into Zack Galifianakis…