American Horror Story: The Seven Wonders

Posted on January 30, 2014

Sarah Paulson in FX’s American Horror Story: Coven

 

Watching poor Stevie Nicks literally limp and lip synch her way through an unexpected video of “Seven Wonders” caused us to utter the line that sums up the entire season of American Horror Story: Coven for us:

“For God’s sake, Ryan Murphy. Leave the poor woman alone and let her sit down. She’s not a doll.”

But she is to him. All the women in this story were little more than dolls in Ryan Murphy’s doll house. No one had motivations beyond YOUTH! and POWER! and REVENGE! and even then, those very basic motivations couldn’t be kept consistent throughout the story as characters constantly turned on each other or forgot why they were mad at each other in the first place. And that’s just the older actresses. The younger ones had no motivations whatsoever. That might have been forgivable, given how much fun the older set were having tearing up the scenery, but Murphy hung the entire climax of the story on the younger set, having cleared the senior actresses from the story. We kept sitting through the hour waiting for Marie Laveau, Delphine LaLaurie and Fiona Goode to literally rise up from hell and take over the house. At about the 30-minute mark, we turned to each other and said, “This is it? Really? Just these girls doing parlor tricks and dying off for an hour? Sabrina the Teenaged Bitch?

But wait! BIG TWIST! Cordelia enters the competition and wins it at the last second! What a fist-pump of a moment, right? Because this has been the Cordelia Goode story all along and all that stuff about Voodoo and Minotaurs, and immortal racists, and killer vaginas, and mothers who rape their cute sons, and household cleaner enemas, and creepy mute butlers who play with dolls and serial killer dead jazzmen and oh, right: the society of witch-hunters who can be taken down in less than 5 minutes – none of that was important. This was really the heart-warming story of a mother and daughter coming to terms with their lifelong rivalry. Hugs. Tears. Even then we kept waiting for Fiona to kill her. No dice. Murphy went for the “Lifetime Television for Women” ending, which, we cannot “BLEH” enough.

Just one question: Was there any actual horror to be found here?

You would think the season finale to a show with a title like this one would feature more horror and less hugging, self-actualization and empowerment. Last season, when Lana Banana sat down for a TV interview in the finale, we felt relief and happiness for her, because we knew how much she’d overcome to get to that point (and then we ended on a true fist pump of a moment as she killed her serial killer son). When Cordelia sat down to do her Professor X act this time around, we couldn’t have cared less. Especially because, in typical Murphy manner, the idea of hundreds of magically powered young women suddenly making themselves known to the world –  a concept LOADED with tension – was left completely unexplored. “Let’s all live like witches, out in the open!” Because THAT’S always worked out well, as history tell us. No, there was no horror here. There was hardly any emotion in this finale at all, strangely. Just checking witches off a list until Murphy decided to stop and leave a few of them alive at the end.

It was an utterly pointless season of television, with no real stakes to it and an outcome that couldn’t produce more than a shrug. No one loves Jessica Lange more than us, and if you’re going to put her in an ensemble including Angela Bassett, Kathy Bates, and Frances Conroy (who played the only interesting character aside from Lily Rabe’s Misty Day and is the only actress to deserve a nomination of some sort for their work this season) and bring in Stevie Nicks for occasional solos, we’re completely on board. But if you waste the talents of these ladies to the point that even they seem to be struggling with the material, well, then you’re just gonna piss these two queens off. You had divas, Ryan. You should have let them flex their muscles a little instead of having them wander around a dollhouse, getting less and less sure of their performances as time went on. By the end of their scenes, it felt like Bassett, Bates and Lange couldn’t wait to shed these characters. Like poor Stevie, forced to stomp through that house, Jessica’s entire performance can be summed up as “I can’t wait to take these fucking 4-inch heels off.”

In the end, the only moments in the finale that resonated at all were the ones provided by two veteran actresses who know what to do with a campy line or moment. Jessica’s “KNOTTY PINE!?!?!?” was a joy to behold, but we think we’ll sign off with Myrtle Snow’s epitaph, because it was such a sublimely perfect moment stuck in the middle of a pile of poo:

“BALENCIAGA!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

 

 

[Photo Credit: Michele K. Short/FX]

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  • lexilexi

    Wow. You guys are at it early today. Don’t watch the show, but do appreciate your dedication. You must have a busy day coming up! Hope it’s a great one.

  • Eric Stott

    Hell is Knotty Pine ……that moment gave me life.

    • jen_vasm

      BK objective of the day: to incorporate “Is that….KNOTTY PINE???” into polite conversation.

  • ScarlettHarlot

    “It was an utterly pointless season of television, with no real stakes to it and an outcome that couldn’t produce more than a shrug.” – This is exactly the perfect description of this mess of a season. I was embarrassed to be watching it, glad it was over, and not sure if I can get invested in another season of it.

    • Eric Stott

      About the only horror was poor Misty Day’s sentence to biology class hell…doubly horrible because it seems unmerited and arbitrary.

      • ScarlettHarlot

        Oh yes, and Misty and Nan are the only ones I really wanted to be Supreme, are the only candidates truly dead.

        • notterriblybitter

          Madison is also truly dead so there’s that.

          • http://frankbettecenter.org/ sleah_in_norcal

            maybe…who knows what will happen once the butler starts playing with her.

      • xmixiex

        Right, what has she done to send her to hell?

        • Eric Stott

          The only thing I can think of is a stereotypical “You fail, you go to hell”. I thought Fiona’s hell was a nice twist though- I wouldn’t mind being stuck in a house like that (Knotty Pine and all) but her sense of taste must be on fire.

          • xmixiex

            Oh right- she got stuck on her trip to the underworld. Maybe she wouldn’t have gone to hell under other circumstances.

          • ScarlettHarlot

            And no explanation of how the other’s escaped and came back. What could Misty have done to get out of the cycle? Just wish and make it so?

          • Jumpingjacks

            I think part of it is realising where you are and that can make you stop the cycle you and get out… Misty was overcome by the ‘horror’ and didn’t realise where she was, which I must say does fit her character

          • RectPropagation

            “No explanation” is a pretty good description of this season too.

          • Shawn EH

            I think it’s like anything else: power and experience. Queenie had been to her Hell before, she knew how to get out. The others had the strength or determination to do so. Misty got caught in a psychic loop, maybe even forgetting what she was doing there. Her spirit left her body and didn’t come back, always the danger of exploring beyond the earthly plane.

      • Jean Beaton Leavitt

        I hear ya…my flashback was so strong I could smell it! ……although I learned to let things go or be stuck reliving them for eternity.

    • d4divine

      So many of my friends raved about this season. I was almost embarrassed to admit that I thought it was all so ridiculous that I stopped watching it weeks ago. Peer pressure is a b!tch.

      • ScarlettHarlot

        I raved about the actresses at the beginning of the season, when it seemed like there was potential. But so many story lines either fizzled out, made no sense, or were resolved to early. See: Witch Hunters, Voodoo vs. Salem, Nan’s boyfriend & his crazy mom, Zoe’s original “power,” Myrtle’s henchmen, etc.

        • FrigidDiva

          Me too, I even recommended the show to a friend of mine and now I wish I hadn’t. I feel embarassed that I would tell anyone to watch this season after how terribly it ended. I think I’ll go back and re-watch seasons 1 & 2.

        • boweryboy

          Add to that Cordelia’s quest for a baby.

          • RectPropagation

            I was expecting the episode to end with her pregnant (time jump w/ her in a new relationship) after they repeated that line about a hallmark of being the supreme is glowing health.

        • Monica

          I was all about this season in the beginning. I convinced my bestie to dvr it so he could watch it–I mean with all the amazing divas, he would have loved it. About half way through, I told him to just erase it. The show was beyond ‘dude, wait…what?!?!’ (and not in a good way). What a waste of amazing talent.

        • The Critiquette

          So much squandered potential! I’m so disappointed, I am actually considering resorting to fan-fiction…how could we take essentially the same premise and characters/actresses and make this work?

    • MilaXX

      Yeah I think I’m done with AHS. Wednesday is already a DVR and time shifting nightmare. AHS no longer deserves prime time rotation in that schedule.

      • ScarlettHarlot

        It was funny, because I finished watching the new episode of Arrow last night, and as I was watching the previews for next week I was all “Aaaaahhh I can’t wait I can’t wait!” The my DVR switched over to AHS and I said to my husband “Meh, might as well get it over with. Sigh.” He asked why I even bother watching, and I couldn’t form a reasonable response.

        • MilaXX

          I just watched last night to wrap it up.

          • ScarlettHarlot

            Yeah, but I’m generally not a completist, I have given up on plenty of shows part way through a season – Girls, Revolution, Hello Ladies, The Office, etc. So sticking this season out didn’t even make sense to me. Except maybe so that I could rehash it with all you lovely BKs today!

      • muzan-e

        Yup. I was looking forward to Helix far, far more this week – Helix, a confused and slightly hystrionic ‘Syfy Original’ that can’t seem to pick a genre and stick to it. But y’know what? Their characters are consistent week by week, and their villain (or is he?! *) seems to be satisfyingly complex.

        Horror aside, Banshee is our surprise of the year. My god, writers who know their genre and their characters inside and out and just lavish their show with juicy, tender love. I found myself despising Coven all the more when I realised that pulpy, macho, balls-out Banshee was writing infinitely superior female characters and giving them a hell of a lot more to do.

        (Granted, it’s feeling like the kind of show where someone shouts “Or is he?!” at least once per episode.)

        • MilaXX

          I like Helix even though it’s got a lot of stupid scientist in it. Not quite Prometheus level stupid, but pretty dumb. Still I’m enjoying it so far.
          I keep hearing good things about Banshee. I think I tried it once last year and wasn’t crazy about it. Maybe I need to try it again.

          • muzan-e

            See, that’s it exactly. I came to Helix for the science, but I stayed because against the odds, it just keeps being fun. Banshee warms up to itself; it’s like an inverse of the AHS experience, in which the writing has just steadily improved episode by episode. On the other hand, it’s not – The Wire, or something, and it’s never going to be *g*

          • MilaXX

            I don’t expect The Wire or Breaking Bad level writing from every show. I just want it to be entertaining.

          • BayTampaBay

            The third season the Dallas reboot starts in February! First Class Camp Entertainment!

      • The Critiquette

        What’s awesome is that they’ll have a clean slate for season 4, and no reason it can’t go back to being as good as season 2. Maybe they will hear the criticism and do better. The setting will be a circus…could be awesome!

  • xmixiex

    BALENCIAGAAAAAA!!!!!!! And “knotty pine?!” were the only words worth hearing from last night. What a waste of amazing possibilities.

    • Joe J

      I also really liked Myrtle’s delivery of “we’ll see if any of you fillies have got the stuff” right before the seven wonders test started.

  • Darren Nesbitt

    1. They must have picked names from a bag when choosing which witches lived.
    2. Spaulding is still walking around as a ghost but not really.
    3. Every which randomly has at least 6 out of 7 wonders.
    4. Cordelia put a number on TV. I tried to write it down but I missed it. (I may as well attend that school and become the next “almost-supreme”)

    • ScarlettHarlot

      I also loved all the classroom scenes throughout the seasons of the baby witches learning about their powers, training to control them, learning spells, preparing for the 7 Wonders….oh wait there weren’t any. Because it wasn’t a school so much as a boarding house for whining young women. But hey, they played with a Ouija board once, and Zoe divined a book, so that counts as preparation, right?

      • boweryboy

        At the end, I looked at my partner and said, “So what are all those witches going to do? Walk around the house bored being bitches to each other? Because I certianly didn’t see any schooling going on.”

    • FrigidDiva

      Your #3 really bugged me too last night–how is that all these witches now have all these different abilities when at the beginning of the season it was made out that they could only have one powe? I don’t need full blown mythology to spell every little thing out for me, but a little consistency in the writing would be fantastic.

      • The Critiquette

        This was explained in a previous episode, actually — in times of great trouble/threat, all witches manifest more power than they usually might. Only one will have all seven, though.

    • BayTampaBay

      See my comment above regarding Kyle as the new Butler Spaulding.

    • GinAndPopcorn

      The phone number that came up on screen while Cordelia was being interviewed was (504) 555-0186. What I liked was below that it said “Up next: Liza Minnelli talks about her hip.”

    • SpillinTea

      See what I don’t get – Queenie was out of the running because she couldn’t bring Zoe back to life…but didn’t she already bring Misty back when Madison buried her in the tomb? Did I make that scene up in my head? How Queenie just gonna lose the power at the last damn minute when shes already shown it? Ryan Murphy is a no talent stunt queen.

      • RectPropagation

        Wait, you’re right! I *knew* I’d seen Queenie do that before!

        Again, I have to ask why they didn’t just have her fail a different test like the mind control or controlling fire.

    • The Critiquette

      I don’t think they picked names from a bag…seems to me Misty Day and Madison were pretty well doomed. I think it’s in Lily Rabe’s contract that her characters cannot have happy endings. :P

      Also, thought that Misty’s end was the one true horror moment of the episode. Lily did a great job all season with very little material, too bad they never wrote more dimensions for her character.

  • muzan-e

    This was middle-school writing.

    - I would’ve been absolutely on board with a Cordelia-centric story. The rise – and fall – and rise again of Cordelia Goode could have been amazing. Imagine, a fall into darkness tempered by her comprehension of history and human nature (two factors which seemed to interest only her), ultimately producing a witch with the wisdom to nourish them throughout the new century – and the capacity to do the cold, bloody, brutal work when it’s actually necessary. Unlike the other great ladies, she knew how to restrain her excesses. This could have been a real story, if they’d known how to write one of those.

    - Don’t try to sell me on this “In hell, the torturer becomes the tortured; the vengeful becomes a vengeance-taking husk.” Handled properly, that’s a truly horrifying, wrenching scenario. But either you guys don’t have the chops or you just didn’t care to try.

    - Your babyWitches tortured a man for his role in a terrible crime, only to discover halfway through that he was innocent of it. And then they shrugged and did it some more. From that point I was sincerely hoping they’d die in a fire. Or, you know, any way at all really.

    - Your witch-hunters had a point. Clearly no-one can be trusted with such power as witches wield.

    - But maybe witches have become reasonably fucked-up approximations of human beings because the hunters have been dogging them for so long. Maybe it’s paranoia operating at, like, a genetic level now. Maybe they’re collectively nurturing a grudge that makes it impossible for them to be anything but the monsters the hunters originally thought they were.

    - We’ll never know, because you clearly never gave a shit about questions like that.

    • RectPropagation

      MTE on the first point. Had this season actually been about her this ending would have felt more satisfying.

    • Verascity

      “Your babyWitches tortured a man for his role in a terrible crime, only
      to discover halfway through that he was innocent of it. And then they
      shrugged and did it some more.”

      I honestly can’t remember what this was.

      • anthony thompson

        I think they’re talking about the girls torturing Spalding for information about Madison’s death.

        • Kent Roby

          Or when they “killed” the “dead” ax man for “killing” Fiona? It’s all so confusing. Which reminds me: the soon-to-be-new Supreme Cordelia was the one who (mis)identified the goat’s blood as her mom Fiona’s.

  • ScarlettHarlot

    Also, I hated all the attempts at cutesy references: “I was on a live NBC production of the sound of music.” You don’t get to mock other programming when your writing staff is at the mercy of manatees choosing plot twists at random. As for Stevie, I felt so embarrassed for her. I don’t know what the hell anyone was thinking with that one.

    • Eric Stott

      I did snigger a little with “And i wasn’t even in a leading part- I was Liesl!”

    • Madam Von Sassypants

      That’s like the ONE advantage to them writing the season AS IT FILMS. They can include up-to-the-minute commentary. Apparently they traded that for any comprehensible and coherent plot.

  • UsedtobeEP

    I didn’t watch the last two seasons all the way through. Sorry I missed the last one, and disappointed that this one apparently turned out so badly. What a huge waste of talent. HUGE.

    • Nelliebelle1197

      This always happens to Ryan Murphy. Glee, anyone?

      • MilaXX

        Yup, Ryan Murphy is a first season genius. After that everything usually turns into a heaping pile of poo.

      • JimMcC

        Nip/Tuck was the longest one of his shows stayed good, and even that started falling apart pretty early on. Glee went to pot even faster. And with American Horror Story, I didn’t get through the whole first season. I came back for this one because I had such hopes, and there were promising episodes back there at the beginning. But the whole thing felt like it was made up on the fly. The show went to hell long before the characters did.

    • MilaXX

      I only liked the Asylum season.

      • Nelliebelle1197

        It kind of made me feel dirty and confused. Which is the point, I suppose. But season 1 was the best story and logic wise by far.

        • http://stylingdutchman.blogspot.com/ annebeth

          Asylum was epic in every way.

  • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ foodycatAlicia

    Sarah Paulson looks so much better in that dress than Ariana Grande did.

    • ScarlettHarlot

      Her hair and makeup in the end was the best thing about the episode.

    • Chelsea

      LOVED that dress. I’m assuming you mean the one at the end of the episode? I had no idea AG had worn it at some point……yikes.

      • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ foodycatAlicia

        I’m talking about the one she’s wearing in this picture – the floral print.

        • Claire Keaveney

          Totally agree. Does anyone know who did the dress she wore at the end. LOVED

  • RussellH88

    This season was so bad, and it didn’t even make sense.

    How did Fiona end up in hell if she had no soul to sell? And what is the afterlife in this universe, becoming a ghost, the nothingness that Madison experienced, or your own personal hell? How did she fake her death using goat’s blood when Cordelia only touched the blood and not the Axe Man?

    If Cordelia was the next Supreme then she shouldn’t have had fertility problems.

    By getting rid of the threats (The Witch Hunters, the Voodoo witches) there was no urgency to the Seven Wonders. It was just to crown a new Supreme, there were not emotional stakes in the game. And since a new Supreme was able to be crowned with Fiona being alive, then why try to kill her earlier this season? Just have someone perform the Seven Wonders and take her powers away.

    There’s so much stupid and lazy writing that it blew my mind. All this stuff about slavery and oppressed minorities just faded away for a story about stepping out of mommy’s shadow.

    Blah.

    • ScarlettHarlot

      And heavy-handed metaphors: “So you’re saying people are born witches, that it’s not a choice?” “Yes, and now they can be out and not hide in the closet because they see there are others like them, and we aren’t so blah blah blah”

      • RussellH88

        Yeah, that was lame. It really could have been a metaphor for any sort of oppressed group, but to phrase it in such a way that is so specific to the gay community just seemed cheap.

      • boweryboy

        That made me roll my eyes so hard they still hurt.

      • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

        CORDELIA: “Come to Miss Robichaux’s Academy: IT GETS BETTER!”

    • Shawn EH

      Scenes that were written without being explained and figured out; Myrtle has to pay for her crimes despite all the ones everyone else has committed, too? “You’re saying you want to be burned at the stake … AGAIN?”

      And how Myrtle’s two victims went from being council witches to “witch and … colleague,” since witches meant only girls by the end of the season even though that wasn’t as clear before the female empowerment metaphor was locked on.

  • MilaXX

    AGREED! What a waste of actresses I can honestly say there wasn’t a single bad actress in the lot, but OY! none of these plot even sort of made sense. I thought the Supreme was supposed to be able to sense their replacement and Cordelia’s perfect health as the up and coming next Supreme doesn’t kick in until she realizes she’s the one? I’m gonna stop trying to think about this cause it’s making my head hurt.

    • Aurumgirl

      Maybe it’s supposed to an explosive and violent tale about the monstrosity of missed potential.

    • RectPropagation

      See, the health thing could have been a misunderstanding: they thought you had to have perfect health to be Supreme but it’s actually that being Supreme gives you perfect health…except that’s clearly not what happened. They repeat that quote and it’s obvious that the writers don’t even remember that she was infertile. Them not understanding their powers due to lost knowledge from persecution and dwindling numbers could have been a plot point and explained the inconsistencies but this season was dead set on explaining absolutely nothing.

      They also could have explained this back when we found out her husband was a witch-hunter. They could have said he got his tubes tied because he wants to kill witches not make more of them. Hell, now that I’ve typed that, it doesn’t make sense that he didn’t do that.

      This is what happens when you’re still writing episodes while episodes are airing: You can’t go back and fix inconsistencies like this. They probably didn’t even know who they wanted to have Supreme until they wrote the last few and by then it was too late to go back and cut the pregnancy thing out.

      • The Critiquette

        Her health and powers were suppressed by living in Fiona’s shadow? She could only manifest her perfect health and powers once she had the confidence to do so? Stab in the dark here.

        • RectPropagation

          Her health and powers were suppressed by living in Fiona’s shadow?

          That could have worked too. Had the conversation about her suppressing her own powers been explored more earlier in the season they could have worked up to her discovering she’d been unconsciously making herself ill or the suppression of her powers caused her illness.

          Even an after the fact explanation from Myrtle would have been better.

  • Sobaika

    Assorted thoughts:

    Ryan Murphy must hate moms.
    How can you finish this season without Angela Bassett or Kathy Bates? How??
    I had such high hopes for this season and it all went to fucking knotty pine.

    • ScarlettHarlot

      And Patti LuPone was another wasted actress. Jessica Lange is smart to have declared she isn’t coming back. This material is beneath her.

      • TLJezebel

        I thought she signed on for one more season. Say it isn’t so!!!

        • BayTampaBay

          Jessica Lange will do one more season of AHS but in a reduced role.

      • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

        … & Christine Ebersole!!!!
        They even wasted the ripe opportunity for an in-joke of her sharing a scene with Jessica Lange!

  • Joe J

    So, poor Misty is sentenced to an eternity in her own personal hell, which the other three girls all had to experience as well and knew how horrible a fate that would be. And shortly after watching her crumble into ash all three of the other girls are giggling and laughing and playing tag? Yeah, they could all die in a fire at that point and I would not have one shit to give. So when stupid, useless Zoe got her stupid self impaled, my reaction wasn’t horror so much as a smirk and a “looks good on you, bitch.”

    • ScarlettHarlot

      Did they just seriously misjudge the writing and the acting? Because the only characters that the audience really seemed to care about (namely Misty) got cast aside, while bland characters like Zoe or annoying ones like Madison kept coming back. Did Ryan Murphy have so little sense of who the audience would actually come to care about? Because after Nan died I banked on Misty, and once Misty died I did not give a shit about who the new supreme would be. I was hoping they’d at least go with Queenie, but oh no, it was Cordelia all along! Gotcha!

      • Joe J

        Seriously – Madison was the closest thing I had to a proxy on that show (I had roughly the same amount of contempt for all the other characters – EXCEPT MYRTLE – as she did) in that last episode and I still wanted to flick her ears until they bled every time she opened her mouth.

      • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

        All those People of Color had to be tortue-porned so that Pretty Rich White Lady can pass The Crown to her Pretty White Daughter.

    • marlie

      And it was a miserable way to go for one of the few likable characters (for Misty).

    • RussellH88

      I don’t understand why Zoe’s death put her out of the running. I mean, she was able to bring someone back to life, so why would dying in the middle of a trial disqualify her?

    • ShaoLinKitten

      I absolutely hated that. HATED it. Not only was she ignominiously destroyed, but none of those callow, rude bitches even cared. The whole season was like that–building people up, like Marie Laveau, Misty, Madison, and Nan only to have them die in the lamest ways. Marie Laveau died offscreen FFS. What a rip off.

      This all leads to the question: will we watch Season 4?

      • RectPropagation

        To be fair, Queenie at least calls Madison out for not even wanting to have a moment of silence. Not even Cordelia did that much.
        To continue being fair, that moment lasts all of five seconds.

        • ShaoLinKitten

          Queenie also mourned Marie Laveau for all of five seconds. This show paradoxically dragged everything out and seemed too rushed simultaneously.

      • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

        I’ll wait til it hits NETFLIX™.
        No way am I wasting time keeping up week-to-week.
        I ENJOY thinking.
        A show that PUNISHES me for thinking?
        No way.

    • kathryn_dc

      Good point Joe J. Once Zoe was impaled, I thought, “Oh here we go with the visions that Cordelia (? I think?) had about the house, where we saw the girls in various death poses.” But that never happened. I guess Kyle killed Madison before _she_ could realize the vision, but what about the rest of them?

      BOO for letting Misty rot in hell. :(

      • RectPropagation

        Yeah, that’s right Cordelia did have a vision of all of them dead. I swear, the writers change their minds about what’s happening MID-SCENE.

        • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

          We never saw that oh-so-important necklace again.

    • Niall_OConghaile

      The hell thing is a good example of how shoddy this show is – we’ve already seen Queenie’s hell, why bother showing us that again??

      • RectPropagation

        I don’t even think they did a new scene for that, I think that was literally the same footage we saw before.
        I thought we’d actually get to see everybody’s version of Hell. What happened to show, don’t tell? Did they run out of money?

  • http://www.epilonicast.net/theydontknow epilonious

    I am pretty much sure that any Ryan Murphy show is like any Atlanta Falcon’s Season:

    Step one: “OOOH, this is GOOD.. I’m totally hooked!”
    Step two: “EEeeech, I dunno… this is turning into a shitshow… Maybe I’ll stick with it just in case…”
    Step three: “There is not enough alcohol in the world….”

    Thankfully, I followed TLo’s example and got out of Glee by season 2. My liver would not be functioning today otherwise,

  • Eric Stott

    And we never saw anything at all to explain the credits sequence

  • ScarlettHarlot

    At one point, when Cordelia was at the map and Myrtle confronted her, I thought “Maybe that’s not Cordelia at all, maybe that’s just her body, and Fiona found a way to come back in her body, and now she and Myrtle are going to have an epic witch showdown, unleashing all of their powers on each other.” And instead we got a Stevie Nicks death march to the stake to watch Myrtle burn, which might have had some dramatic or emotional weight IF: 1) We hadn’t seen her burn before. 2) We’ve seen precedent that no one necessarily stays dead for ever. 3) They tried to fit in more fashion comedy. What a joke.

    • RectPropagation

      I was also irritated with the whole, “Oh, we have to pay for our crimes, no hypocrisy” bit because Zoe murdered the butler and apparently no one gives a shit. They’ve all been quite fine with murdering people up, down, and sideways.

      Also: If the coven is going to protect itself by going public, THEY CAN’T GO AROUND BURNING PEOPLE ALIVE. I’m pretty sure that even if the public is suddenly OK with witchcraft that they haven’t given Cordelia permission to carry out cruel and unusual death sentences.

      • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

        And what purpose does killing Myrtle off in the final episode serve, really????
        Just an excuse for a music video???

        • Shawn EH

          She lived like she died, with style? Great clash of her hair, the dress and the flames as she burned!

        • Eveniah

          Honestly, I think the killing off of Myrtle was just an excuse for Murphy to have Frances Conroy shout “BELENCIAGA!!!!”

    • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

      Well, Myrtle was framed so oddly in those shots, it SEEMED we were being PRIMED for something to JUMP OUT at us…
      & then…
      pptthp.

  • zenobar

    Sigh. Conroy was everything.

    That is, literally, all.

  • In_Stitches

    It’s almost impressive how poor of a job they did at producing a linear plot with consistent mythology and characters. Nothing mattered at all….

    It struck me how easy it would have been to have used the pieces they created to make something of worth. Perhaps a weakened Fiona bands together with the Witchhunters to take out the coven in a bid for more time. With Fiona gone, the coven selects a new supreme who then goes to battle against her and the Witch Hunters. Marie Laveau laughs from the sidelines.

    • muzan-e

      Oh, I could fanfic this shit for the next decade. There’s so much story lurking in their world, story that they either didn’t recognise or didn’t care about. But frankly, I’d hate having to give them any credit for the original material.

      • tereliz

        Fanfic would doubtless wind up with better plots and characterization…

        When I heard they were planning a Miss Robichaux’s spin-off, I got SO EXCITED. But then I read Murphy had canned the idea because the writers kept wanting to kill people off and then he’d be all like “but we need her for the spin-off!” And it got too complicated and they gave it up. Another reason why having all 13 episodes written before you start filming is a good idea.

        Still, I don’t know if anyone would stick it out with another season of “Zoe’s Miraculous Powers” even IF all 13 episodes were already written. Queenie is a fun character but I feel like they’ve told as much of Zoe and Cordelia’s stories that need to be told.

        Of course, before I heard all that, I’d been thinking, “a spin-off would have to be set in the past, right?” Because who wants to waste that amazing set they built and wouldn’t it look amazing in, say, the 1930s? I even wrote a pilot just for fun and distraction (I’m still waiting to hear back about my manuscript on sub) set in the 30s, with mobsters, and “hoodoos” and witches of course, before the idea was canned. Oh well, it was a fun exercise.

    • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

      Remix it:

      Start with: “We have gathered you young witches here because one of you is the next Supreme.
      We need to identify the new Supreme RIGHT AWAY.
      Why is is ASAP? Our current Supreme is dying / shirking her duties & THERE ARE WITCH HUNTERS AFTER US!!!!”

      First third of Season – Find Supreme
      Second third – Make Peace with Voodoo Tribe
      Final third – Team up, Battle Witch Hunters

      TA DA, EMPOWERMENT.

      • RectPropagation

        Oh, I would watch this.

  • marlie

    I was just pissed that they killed Myrtle off in the end.

  • FrigidDiva

    I’m so glad I wasn’t the only one disappointed by that finale, what a dud.
    When Myrtle suggested that Cordelia was the Supreme I thought, of course, because. No rational reason or logic to that choice based on the storyline, but it’s Ryan Murphy so, because. When Myrtle was talking to Delia at the end I thought that she would reveal that she had been the one actually doing the Seven Wonders and just making it look like Delia had been the one doing them, since Myrtle had been the mother that Dealia had never had and only wanted her to succeed. To me that would have made more sense than having Cordelia jump into the running as the Supreme.
    I also got a total All About Eve vibe at the end of the episode when Cordelia was giving her little commencement speech to the new witches and one of the girls asked what a Supreme was, starting the cycle all over again.

    • tereliz

      I thought Delia might have known she was the Supreme and was faking it and helping some of the weaker girls during the Seven Wonders just to keep the competition alive, but then of course she lost Misty…

  • Fordzo a.k.a. Fancy Mukluks

    I stopped watching about 3 weeks ago, after one of Kathy Bates flashbacks where she was torturing someone again. I don’t know how to describe it, but it was like I had a sudden feeling of “there’s so much real shitty shit going on in the world right now, I can’t watch another moment of manufactured-for-the-sake-of-entertainment cruelty.”

    • ScarlettHarlot

      Indeed, the stomach-churning “this little piggy moment” was definitely when I knew the show had passed the point of no return.

      • PeaceBang

        Yes. That was vile.

  • CeeRich

    I co-sign all sentiments but when Jessica wailed “What is this? KNOTTY PINE??????” I almost died. LMAO

  • marlie

    Another thing… that Stevie Nicks music video thing at the beginning was painful. AWFUL.

    • ScarlettHarlot

      The German’s have the perfect word for it: fremdschämen

      • GinAndPopcorn

        The German language has the best words for things! I’m making note of this one. And it does fit this situation perfectly.

    • AnotherG

      1980′s style training montage scene, with a 1980s pop song. It was a little too meta.

  • SeppiChicago

    Knotty Pine made me howl. Of course that’s Fiona’s hell. Thank you for clearing up what Myrtle yelled, we were confused on that.

    The writing was just lazy, I think that’s what bothered me. The fact that we didn’t even see the individual hells, they just woke up and described them (I would kill to see Madison stuck as Liesl), the fact that Cordelia suddenly being in contention revealed by a short conversation with Myrtle, just lazy. Thinking of plot twists instead of letting the story simply lead to any conclusion.

    Still the funnest hour of TV out there, tho. Yes, the Stevie intro was pretty much VH1 music video circa 1996 (just switch out the house for a loft apartment downtown) but my boyfriend loves her, so he was thrilled. Plus that’s a kick ass song.

    • BayTampaBay

      As bad the writing was, I really enjoyed Coven due to the Buckner mansion and all the scenery chewing….sorta like watching Attack of the KiIller Tomatoes, or Hobo with a Shotgun or Machete and Machete Kills.

      • SeppiChicago

        I honestly loved every second, even when I was rolling my eyes.

        • Sally Stockwell Oshima

          Every damn second. I~ am~ Myrtle Snow. At times I thought, “Is he making fun of women like me?” Or is it an affectionate over the top tribute with gore, voodoo, and baaadddd mommies. I think the later.
          “I am mad for Tartan!”

  • PeaceBang

    My take-away from the season: when women have power, they use it for petty ends, as they are vain, shallow, neurotic creatures. The weak little Gurl Power message thrown in at the last didn’t redeem the failure of the writers to adequately imagine powerful women characters. It was all fighting over boys (zombies, even), killing each other and throwing shade. Misty Dawn was the only character I cared at all about.
    The credit sequence was by far the most memorable and horrifying thing the season managed to conjure up.

    • tereliz

      Totally agreed on everything you said.

      I know there was some talk before the season began that COVEN would be a little campier and less horrific, but then they come up with these promos that set a completely different tone. And the credit sequence blows those away. The show matched it in gore, perhaps, but not in horror. The promise of the opening credits might be the biggest reason I was so disappointed when the show didn’t deliver the horror this season.

  • ginnyt20

    This season felt pointless. It would have been nice to see a few episodes of introduction to the characters, then use each of the Seven Wonders to fill out 7 episodes dealing with the conflict between the black and white witches or even both against the witch hunters. Instead they threw the season away. I stuck with it because…I was invested…I guess? I hope AHS picks up their game next season.

  • ovarB

    At least we will always have the witty one liners from the show!! May this show rest in peace of campy hell!!

    • BayTampaBay

      One more time and all together now…..BALENCIAGAAAAAA!!!!!!!

  • AvaLehra

    Was there any actual horror to be found here?
    Yes, my horror at realizing how much of my time I invested in this show.

    When it was almost done, I sat there and though, “Huh…this is really it. Wow.” That there is some shaaaaady poo, Ryan Murphy. What a let down if ever there was a let down.

  • RussellH88

    That last episode really felt like a fanfiction from a Cordelia Fan-site.

  • Rachel

    My significant other thought Myrtle exclaimed “HAKUNA MATATA!!!!” before she was burned alive. I had to pause the DVR to explain what Balenciaga was.

  • ShaoLinKitten

    I shouted aloud at the screen when Madison was strangled to death by FrankenBoy. REALLY? We just saw her be able to use pyrokinesis, telekinesis, mind control, etc. But she is helplessly choked out? RIDICULOUS. How can any writer older than twelve not realize that makes no sense whatsoever?

    • marlie

      And she’d demonstrated earlier in the episode that she was able to control him, specifically (and it seemed fairly easy?), so that makes even less sense.

      • ShaoLinKitten

        And how hard would it have been to provide a reason why he was suddenly immune to her control? Some magical reason? Or to make him immune to it earlier, and just have Madison control Zoe? There was zero effort to have Madison’s death make sense. I can only blame laziness and disrespect for the viewers for this utter lapse in logic.

        • RectPropagation

          And how hard would it have been to provide a reason why he was suddenly immune to her control? Some magical reason?

          Hmm…let’s see.

          Cordelia, instead of slamming him against the wall in the mind control scene, casts a spell making
          him immune to their spells so that they stop using him. The spell is
          still in effect when he kills her.

          It was 0% hard to come up with that. I don’t know why the writers couldn’t do that.

          • ShaoLinKitten

            You should replace Ryan Murphy as head writer on this show. Or someone should. Anyone, really.

      • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

        I think Ryan Murphy assumes his target audience can’t remember what happened before the last commercial break.

        • marlie

          Because his writing has been so bad that we’ve all drunk ourselves into a stupor.

    • otterbird

      I am guessing that once Cordelia assumed her place as Supreme, all the others’ magic went back to what they’d been before (Myrtle said Cordelia was channeling her powers into the students). But that only occurred to me this morning, and only because of your comment. Because I’d already forgotten all about Madison getting killed. Because this show killed all of my caring.

      And now that I think more on it, her original power was telekineses and she was shown as having the strength to wreck a bus. So I find it hard to believe she couldn’t have psychically thrown Kyle off her. So yeah, you’re right. No sense whatsoever.

      • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

        Yes, and she was killed by the SAME HANDS THAT GANG RAPED HER.

        YAY, “empowerment”?

        • otterbird

          Oh my god(dess), that had not occurred to me. You’re right.

          So basically, the theme of the entire season can be summed up as, “Bitches, man. Bitches.”

        • anthony thompson

          Umm Kyle wasn’t one of the boys that raped Madison.

          • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

            FrankenKyle is just Kyle’s head, put together with an assortment of parts from the fratboy rapists in the flipping bus.
            Including the hands.

          • RectPropagation

            Oh no. Oh good lord.

            That is just gross and depressing and I bet the writers didn’t even realize they did that. Actually, I *hope* they didn’t realize they did that because if that was deliberate…UGH.

          • anthony thompson

            Oh I see what you mean now, I thought you were talking about the first incident.

    • ScarlettHarlot

      Yeah, why didn’t she just teleport…I mean “transmute” – from the bed. Blam.

    • Lea Setegn

      I was too busy enjoying Madison’s death to argue with the logic of it. That girl got what she deserved.

      • ShaoLinKitten

        Not gonna lie. Madison was my favorite. I loved her unrepentantly bitchy monstrousness. I wanted her to go out in a way that made sense… but I always always want things to make sense. None of the deaths on this show made any sense whatsoever.

    • The Critiquette

      She was in a moment of panic so she couldn’t use her powers? Or maybe she truly loved him, more than she loved herself, and wanted to die? Shots in the dark…

  • otterbird

    What I didn’t get is that Papa Legba refused a deal with Fiona because he said she had no soul. But then she ends up in Hell. I was under the impression to get to an afterlife, for better or worse, you needed something to actually send there. You know, a soul.

    It would have been much more chilling if she’d just gone into nothingness. As it was, it was an excuse for a scene of really unearned just deserts, seeing as how Fiona was depicted as being obsessed with youth, not frippery (it would have been much more appropriate as Myrtle’s Hell). Whatever. You’re trapped in what looks like a rustic bed and breakfast for the rest of your eternity, complete with locally grown cuisine. Wah wah. Rich people pay a fortune for those kind of vacations.

    • boweryboy

      Right? I was all, her hell doesn’t look so bad. Staying in a rustic cabin. Having a hot older man cook you up freshly caught catfish. Slamming whiskey shots. Oh, and being offered a “stiff one”. I wouldn’t have any complaints.

      • ShaoLinKitten

        But… KNOTTY PINE!!!!

      • otterbird

        Not to mention, the Ax Man got his heart’s desire- in eternity with Fiona. What is THAT saying? All serial killers go to Heaven?

        • boweryboy

          Or his heaven is her hell? Who knows with this show…

        • RectPropagation

          Except he wanted her to love him. He gets to spend eternity with the woman he loves telling him how much she hates being trapped with him and getting drunk just to deal with it.

          No explanation for why Fiona gets to get drunk in Hell.

    • GM

      Or how about when Angela Bassett took the baby to sacrifice for Papa Legba, but then for no apparent reason, he didn’t want it any more (even though we were never told this) and it was just hanging around the house for a few days. Then, Fiona wanted to sell her soul for immortality and he said no, he wanted an innocent soul. So, they offered him Nan, who was not an innocent soul as she had murdered someone. But then he randomly decided Nan was somehow a more fitting innocent soul than the baby he had requested, and he took Nan. And yet, Fiona didn’t get her immortality (and didn’t even complain about that), so what the fuck was the whole point of both stealing the baby and murdering Nan anyway!?

      • GinAndPopcorn

        What ever happened to the baby? Did somebody wish it into the cornfield? It may have been covered in the story, but I’m drawing a blank. Or maybe the writing left a blank where the baby was. I was probably bored and not paying attention.

        • RectPropagation

          Ghost butler dude STILL HAS THE BABY. In fact, it’s why he helps Delphine get rid of Marie: he wanted the baby so he could have his own “living doll”. And it works. And, according to the end of this season, he gets away with it because no one else even knows there’s a baby in the house.

          • GinAndPopcorn

            Thank you! I remember now when the baby was given to Spalding. He’s a ghost of many talents to have taken care of a baby so well that no one knew about it. He was such a good caretaker that even the writers of the show forgot about the poor child hidden away in Spalding’s room with all of those creepy dolls.

          • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

            Ryan Murphy: “Well, to be fair, its not like it was a WHITE baby.”

          • The Critiquette

            LOL!

      • RectPropagation

        What happened was that Marie got the baby but she got it a few days early. The first time he shows up it’s just to warn her that she owes him an innocent soul soon. Marie tells Fiona that she always misses her own child whenever she does this. They also decide that Nan is a problem. They murder Nan so that Marie can fulfill her contract with Papa Legba and keep the baby for herself.

        When Fiona tried to make a deal with Papa Legba he tells her she doesn’t have a soul to sell.

    • RectPropagation

      Yes, but nothingness would have made more sense and this show isn’t about to make sense.
      I appreciate that it would have been difficult to show that happening but I agree that her Hell would make more sense as Myrtle’s Hell.

      Fiona’s Hell should have been, oh I don’t know, the last stages of cancer? That last scene with Cordelia except instead of getting comforted by her Cordelia gets revenge instead over and over again?

      • otterbird

        Agree, agree and agree.

    • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

      …& yet Papa Legba is there taunting here?

      why?

  • Sally Stockwell Oshima

    I can’t help thinking that Murphy was offering a critique of women in general, not just witches in particular. Are women vain, ambitious, maternal, not maternal? I could hear Murphy checking off the boxes as he defined the demographic of empowered, liberal, American women. The clothes, the culture! Divine, darlings!

    • Linderella

      I don’t even know if it was consciously a critique of women. I think he simply doesn’t even know what to do with these women. Murphy has been coasting on goodwill for a long time, and I think the truth–that he’s really not all that spectacular–is going to come seeping into the public consciousness any day now.

      • http://aspotofwhimsy.com/ diane {a spot of whimsy}

        It’s been seeping into my public consciousness since the second season of Glee. And yet I still watch AHS. Shame on me.

      • camdiggidy

        To me it felt like he was trying to create some all-encompassing “feminist” piece and it just reeked of ineptitude. I’m imagining a writers’ room brainstorming session on “women’s issues” — we ended up with piss-poor metaphors for the racial divides within feminism, women sacrificing themselves for marriage and family (I cannot get over that the the ascendent Supreme MARRIED A WITCH HUNTER), mommy (dearest) issues, the over-arching “patriarchy” in the form of the witch-hunter corporation, and DIVAS!!!, which took a pathetic turn with Stevie’s awkward music video.

        The more I think back over the course of the season the sadder I feel for the wasted talents of the cast. I can only imagine what it was like for them to keep receiving these successively lamer and lamer scripts over the course of the filming.

    • PeaceBang

      THIS.

  • boweryboy

    Wow. That was my reaction, and not in a good way. Other reactions I had:

    What the fuck was the point of having Stevie Nicks on the show (besides promoting her DVD)? I mean, really?
    What happened to the baby?
    I don’t think there really was a “finale”. The finale episode should have been the first episode.
    What a huge waste of my time, and an even bigger waste of so much incredible talent. I may not be back for Season 4.

    • Sobaika

      The baby! There were so many dangling plot threads this season.

      I think it’s with the doll-loving ghost?

      • boweryboy

        That’s the last we saw of it.

      • PeaceBang

        The ghost who can bury bodies and generally do everything any able-bodied living person can do.

    • BayTampaBay

      I liked the final touch of Kyle being the new Butler Spalding! LOL!

  • Qitkat

    I would hope that absolutely nobody associated with this show gets any awards whatsoever, because as long as anyone is even nominated, Ryan Murphy and company will continue to pollute the airways with self-conscious, disturbing, mocking garbage and drivel.

    • notterriblybitter

      I don’t know if the show will win any awards, but the ratings were solid; better than the 2nd season. Unfortunately, that’s all the encouragement Ryan Murphy needs.

      • BayTampaBay

        Does anyone not remember how strange the last two season of Nip/Tuck became.

  • SockMonkies

    Seriously?! That’s what you do to Misty after everything??? So disappointed! Misty and Myrtle were my only reasons for watching this show after awhile. At least Myrtle got a somewhat (and I stress somewhat) dignified send off. BALENCIAGA!

    And what was that weird Stevie Nicks music video of an opening?!..lip synching, blowing curtains, sepia tones and a random cat…GAG! The only horror element on this season is the writing.

  • TLJezebel

    It was painful watching Stevie Nicks.

    • jjtxgrrl

      It angered me.

  • Inspector_Gidget

    Wow. I still have the last few episodes piled up on the DVR, never felt like catching up. After reading this, I’m still not in a hurry. Hope they get it together for next season.

  • Guest

    Wait…so who the hell blinded Cordelia in the first place?

    • BayTampaBay

      The Witch Hunters…The Delphi Group?????

      • Eric Stott

        Yeah – it was the “Dad- you blinded my wife?” bit

    • marlie

      The first time? I don’t think they actually answered that (or did they?).

  • Linderella

    “Pointless” doesn’t even begin to cover it.

  • EEKstl

    When one starts with some interesting ideas, adds a significantly talented cast and stirs it with a producing/writing team that heretofore had given us some wildly interesting and outrageous (if uneven) television, so much the greater is my wonderment at how all of the above could be so squandered this season. Mind-blowing.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/TheOctocornNetwork International Model

    The choice of Fleetwood Mac song says it all.

  • http://tvblogster.blogspot.com Boop

    I work in close proximity to Ryan Murphy’s office. I will throw some shade his way when I take a walk outside. This Stevie thing doesn’t sit well with me. But, I guess others find it cool.

    • Fordzo a.k.a. Fancy Mukluks

      Or a brick. You could throw a brick.

      • GinAndPopcorn

        Or a big slab of knotty pine.

  • Nanaia

    My husband, son and I watched the finally together. I suggested a drinking game where you took a drink every time something didn’t make sense or came in out of the blue. My son, who is 21, stated, “We can’t play that. I am too young to die.” I think that sums up the entire season. There was such potential and it was shot because Ryan Murphy starts out with a great concept, (First season of Glee anyone?) but quickly loses momentum and seems to forget what he is doing. I am truly saddened that this whole season that could have been fantastic was mediocre at best. I was going to go back and watch the other seasons of this, but I’m not sure it is worth it after seeing this one.

    • jjtxgrrl

      Season one is a good palate cleanser… Reccomended cure for enduring this white.

    • Madam Von Sassypants

      Season One is the best, Season Two is still pretty good, this one was a disgrace. The first one was definitely the scariest, too.

    • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

      I felt like killing Misty & Myrtle was the writers way of lashing out & showing their resentment for having to finish the season.
      They seemed to have lost interest around episode 5.

  • GM

    So, they still haven’t figured out what the word ‘transmutation’ means and show teleportation instead. Fucking dumbass writers!

  • Chevalle

    I love how the ultimate message of the show is that women are nearly omnipotent until a man starts beating on them, then they apparently lose all their power and are absolutely helpless. What a wonderful message of feminism to leave behind, Ryan Murphy.

    • cassandu

      i had the same thought as evan peters (i can’t even remember his character’s name, that says something right there), a ZOMBIE frat boy, strangled madison, who literally just exhibited about three or four powers that could have stopped him. i was screaming, “set him on fire! transmutate! whatever the hell that means on this show!” not that i really cared about madison, but one can only handle so many logical inconsistencies at once.

      • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

        Not to mention that the hands that strangle her are the ACTUAL HANDS of her rapists!!!!!!

        • cassandu

          didn’t even think about that! ugh. gross.

    • RectPropagation

      Ryan read the early Wonder Woman comics and got confused.

  • Dennis

    May Ryan Murphy burn in the eternal pits of knotty pine hell for that lifetime movie of the week ending! Coven deserved better! Balenciaga!

  • Sally Stockwell Oshima

    “And Marie would like a Lear jet.”

  • RectPropagation

    “The last thing you need is a Watergate, a scandal”

    Why is Myrtle more worried about people finding out that Cordelia once briefly benefited from Myrtle’s murder than she is of people finding out that Cordelia had Myrtle burned alive? Another witch might find out that Myrtle killed those two but how is that more scandalous to Cordelia than her committing murder?

    They do realize that it being a coven tradition doesn’t change the fact that it’s ILLEGAL, right? Why are still doing this after Cordelia went public with their existence?

  • http://ediblecville.blogspot.com Libby

    After reading this review, I just thought of the perfect ending! Pull back….way back….to show Spalding playing with a dollhouse full of dolls. Witch dolls. A teenage Frankenstein doll. And a doll that looks just like Spalding. The entire season is just crazy ass Spalding playing with his dolls. At least it would be a tad more creative than the shit-pile I witnessed last night. Long live Myrtle!

    • Madam Von Sassypants

      I was actually hoping they’d end with Spalding up in the attic having tea time with Madison’s corpse. But yours is way better.

  • RectPropagation

    Why is Queenie the only one who still misses Nan?
    Why leave Misty in Hell? What does that accomplish, really? I don’t see how the show ‘needed’ her dead. Why not just have her fail the mind control trail?
    Why does Snow have to face consequences for killing but Zoe doesn’t?
    Why does Snow have to face consequences for killing but Kyle doesn’t?
    Why is Kyle OK with all of this? Just because Fiona gave him the ability to communicate doesn’t mean he shouldn’t still be horrified that he’s made out of his friends’ body parts and murdered his mother because she raped him. Shouldn’t that mean more than “that’s why he’s down with murder”?
    Why are Queenie and Cordelia cool with each other now?
    Why has no one noticed Spalding is dead?

    Isn’t it particularly gross to have Madison force Kyle to kiss her given that she’s raped in the first episode? Maybe I’m being a jerk here but shouldn’t the idea of forced sexual contact be unappealing to her? Or is that the whole point? She did insist that he would have raped her as well so maybe that was payback? Do the writers still remember that even happened?

    It really bothers me how the whole witchcraft vs voodoo thing not only came to nothing but was never even explained. The closest we got was one line about how witches got their magic from a voodoo practitioner. I guess we were supposed to assume it was related to slavery but it was never actually stated why they were feuding.

    • ShaoLinKitten

      Did Zoe kill another witch? I thought Myrtle burned for killing the other two council members.

      • RectPropagation

        She killed Spaulding but I guess the show/writers don’t care about that since he was complicit in Fiona’s murder of Madison.
        I also suppose that even if everyone else knew about that they wouldn’t burn her for it since Spaulding isn’t a witch.

  • JaCory Deon

    You know there as a moment in one of the earlier episode where Bates’ Lalaurie was sitting with Fiona on a bench in an old dress and her entire mannerisms suggested a person utterly alone in an alien world. It was a fascinating moment and Bates had something going there, but like many opportunities, that too was turned into a joke on this show and played for cheap. I’ve watched this with my husband and all we can say is, it’s a mildly funny, trashy mess. Throw all the shit at the wall until something sticks I guess, only nothing did. IMHO you could cut out the entire part with the young witches (which played too much like ‘Charmed’ to me) and you’d miss nothing with this show. AHS Asylum wasn’t perfect (it pretty much fizzled out after the possessed nun was killed along with the mad doc) but at least it was about something and when the Lana character leaves the asylum you breath out with her…season 2 earned (most) of its punches. Coven on the other hand was a waste of location, talent, and time. Frankly, all of these actresses deserved better than this. Who’s the next Supreme stopped being the question for me around episode 4 – the better one is Who cares? For shame.

  • jjtxgrrl

    Well said. I completely agree. What a damn letdown.

    Poor Stevie Nicks…..what a waste of an icon. Ryan Murphy should be burned at the stake or something for wasting an opportunity to create an amazing moment.

    However…..”Knotty PINE?!?”. And “BALENCIAGA!!!”. Made it all worthwhile. Sigh.

    • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

      Liza will be the Stevie of next season.

  • http://frankbettecenter.org/ sleah_in_norcal

    oh well. i for one (maybe the only one) enjoyed the ride. i always trip on the visuals most of all.

    • guest2visits

      Exactly this. I found I could miss or watch episodes completely out of order and it just didn’t matter. It wasn’t about a deep, meaningful storyline. It was just a crazy ride. The actresses all had some good, juicy dialog at one point or another in their respective roles.
      Obviously far from perfect but still somewhat compelling to watch.

  • Sally Stockwell Oshima

    I can remember back in the day Stevie Knicks was one of very few goth chicks for a baby goth to follow. Carolyn Jones, Emma Peel, Cat Woman.

  • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

    You could’ve just watched the first & last episode, everything in between was of ZERO CONSEQUENCE.

    • RectPropagation

      OMG, you are so right.

      I used to watch a lot of videos of people reviewing movies and one complaint I heard about a coming of age story was that the protagonist didn’t actually change. She was the same person at the end of the movie as she was at the beginning.

      The same thing can be said about almost every single character this season. The only change that happens that matters is in the last episode.

  • https://www.facebook.com/NORNCUTSONART Norn Cutson

    DUMB.
    I thought the first thing I would post was simply”Fuck you, Show.”, but then it turns out I don’t even feel that strongly about it.

    When Zoe said her hell was breaking up with Kyle over & over again, I started shootin’ birds at the screen… and I never really stopped.

    I felt like I was personally being punished when Misty Day was the first to go.

    And Myrtle’s death was a FUCK YOU to the entire fan base… and decidedly UNwitchlike in that HELLO, what is a COVEN without an ELDER?!?!
    WE REVERE & DEPEND ON OUR CRONES.

    My sister said, as Myrtle marched to the pyre, “Maybe we’re just supposed to think of the show as one long music video, so you wouldn’t EXPECT it to make sense.”
    A friend said, “It works if you think of it as a 13 hour pilot for FACTS OF LIFE: COVEN.”

    The point where I could not hold my tongue any longer was Cordelia’s voiceover: “THE SUPREME ENJOYS PERFECT HEALTH” as she turns around in an Herbal Essence Moment…
    I blurted out sadly, “I enjoy THE EXPERIENCE OF WATCHING this show, but I do not enjoy THE SHOW.”

    When Cordelia & Fiona hugged, I assumed they would cut to a rejuvenated Fiona, flinging open the doors for the new girls, followed by a shot of Cordelia dead on the floor.

    So at least I’m glad they didn’t do that.
    Or wait, maybe that might have been more satisfying.

    They should have put some fake chompers in for Fiona’s death scene; her pearly whites were GLEAMING out of the old age make-up!
    I mean, if they can’t write a story.

    IN CONCLUSION: HELL CIRCUS or whatever it is, I will gladly wait til it hits NETFLIX™; I don’t need to waste my time or brain power keeping up with this show on a weekly basis.
    The payoff isn’t worth it.

    I wonder if COVEN will play better binge-watching, because a viewer won’t have all that time between episodes to chew on the inconsistencies.

    • otterbird

      I do remember thinking, “So blind people aren’t healthy? What?” I get the heart murmur with Madison, but blindness, especially blindness that was inflicted? Srsly?

      I was frustrated with Myrtle’s end, too. So Cordelia chooses to let her die in enormous agony because, tradition? It would have been a stronger choice if Cordelia, with her new Supreme powers had stopped Myrtle’s heart or something like that right before the flames were lit, so Myrtle didn’t suffer. And would have shown Cordelia choosing a new path for the coven, based on mercy.

      And good point about Zoe’s hell being a boy not liking her. This season said terrible, terrible things about women.

  • Lea Setegn

    Last week, one of the BKs totally predicted the return of Fiona and completely nailed how it happened. I kept watching the scene and saying, “The Bitter Kitten was RIGHT! I knew it!!!!!” That might have been the most fun for me besides “knotty pine.”

    • The Critiquette

      I was hoping she would come back to find them all dead — having all died/killed each other in the Seven Wonders/battle to be Supreme — just like in Cordelia’s vision. Fiona rips the necklace off Cordelia, turns on a stiletto, and walk out to meet Marie Laveau (or the Ax Man, that would have been ok too) and they’re off to Paris together.

  • Darrell

    I may have misheard the line, because even now it just seems unfathomable to me that they would have let her say it in all earnestness, but did Fiona actually tell Cordelia there at the end that she never killed anybody? Because Madison, Nan, the plastic surgeon/scientist in episode one, the former Supreme, and a whole litany of others would very much beg to differ.