Lily Rabe and Stevie Nicks in FX’s “American Horror Story: Coven”
We can sum up this entire episode in two words. TWO WORDS. Is it because brevity is the soul of wit and we’re two of the wittiest fuckers you’ll ever encounter? No. Is it because we’re such fabulously astute TV reviewers that we can take any hour long drama and reduce it thematically down to a few syllables? Not even close. Is it because Murphy & Co are such concise, focused creators that their work can be summed up easily? Bitch, please.
But rather than tease you with our brilliance, we’ll just unveil it for you. So here it is, our two word American Horror Story: Coven review:
Thank you. You’re too kind. Yes, of course we’ll give you more, since you begged us to. Please. Have a seat.
Ugh. This show.
Look, before we plunge into the airing of grievances, let’s all stipulate that yes, the cast is amazing and they’re all great fun to watch. That’s a given. It’s not, however, a defense against the argument that this is an unbelievably badly written season of television that seems to have no point to it whatsoever except to give a bunch of notable actresses a lot of scenery to chew, okay? You might as well say, “Who cares if its poorly written? The SOUND ENGINEERING is top rate!” It takes a village to make a TV show and it’s not worth praising if only a handful of people in that village are doing anything close to a good job. Besides – and here’s where we’re really stepping in it – it feels like the very best actresses in the cast are recycling everything in their trickbags just to get through these meaningless scenes. Sure, it looks great to see Jessica Lange weeping over a Stevie Nicks song, but it makes no real sense in the story and has no real impact on it, nor do you really feel anything when you watch it.
We got a little excited after the last episode because we thought the show had finally decided on a plot and was going to move forward with it, but instead of Marie and Fiona merging their two houses to fight the evil of the brotherhood of witch-hunters, they drowned Nan in the bathtub.
And centuries of justified anger against white people instantly evaporated when a white lady (who was, up until ten minutes before, her sworn enemy) showed Marie Laveau some kindness.
And Fiona pretty much disowned the daughter who unknowingly married a witch hunter but befriended the woman who hired that same witch hunter to kill everyone in her house. But that’s okay because Myrtle’s in the basement playing a Theremin. And Nan and Madison are suddenly much more powerful. And Misty’s dead. Again. And Patti Lupone drank a bottle of bleach.
It’s just a show about bitches killing each other, over and over again. Any fun in the story has long drained out of it and not even Stevie Nicks herself, singing Rhiannon and giving twirling lessons, could make this hour work any better. If this is what they gave us after taking a month off, we have very low expectations for the rest of the season, sorry to say.
[Photo Credit: FX]
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