2014 Golden Globes Red Carpet Rundown – Part 1

Posted on January 14, 2014

All right, kittens, listen up. We’ve got a metric shit-tonne of Golden Globes fashion still to get through, so we’re looking to speed things up just a bit. We’re just gonna run past these few and scream out our thoughts at them, like a crazy person on the subway. Okay? Okay!

 

 

 

Naomi Watts and Live Schreiber in Tom Ford

PRETTY PEOPLE WHO JUST HAD SEX IN THE LIMO!

 

 

Kristen Connolly in Lorena Sarbu

PRETTY LADY WITH STICKY BOOBS! APPARENTLY!

 

 

Caitlin Fitzgerald in Emilia Wickstead

SO CHIC WE CAN’T FUCKING STAND IT!

 

 

Monica Potter in Romona Keveza

HIGH-WAISTED TRASH BAG!

 

 

Leslie Apatow in Dolce&Gabbana

VICTORIAN WHOREHOUSE LAMPSHADE!

 

 

Zooey Deschanel in Oscar de la Renta

PRETTY BUT  MAYBE TOO PRINCESS FOR OUR TASTES ALTHOUGH THAT’S PRETTY MUCH HER STYLE TO A T! WE FIND OURSELVES WISHING FOR SOME COLOR, ALTHOUGH WE PROBABLY SAY THAT TOO MUCH!

 

 

Margot Robbie in Gucci

SERVING UP SEX GODDESS, ALTHOUGH THE SHOES ARE WAY TOO “BOUDOIR!”

 

 

Rebecca Ferguson

CLEARLY DOESN’T KNOW WHAT CENTURY SHE LIVES IN! PROBABLY A TIME TRAVELER OF SOME SORT! STEER CLEAR!

 

 

Laura Carmichael in Viktor & Rolf

“I’M THE FUCKING PRETTY SISTER, GODDAMNIT!!!!!!”

 

 

 

Allison Williams in Alexander McQueen

WE CAN’T HATE, GIVEN HOW MUCH SHIT WE’VE FLUNG AT HER FOR BEING BORING! ATTAGIRL, NORMALLY-BORING GIRL!

 

 

Sarah Paulson in Marchesa

THINKS SHE’S A BALLERINA!

 

 

Kristin Chenoweth in Aiisha Ramadan

A WEE LITTLE DRAG QUEEN!

 

 

Taissa Farmiga in Elie Saab

CHURCH CLOTHES!

 

 

Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Narciso Rodriguez

DISAPPOINTINGLY STANDARD! AND THAT BUSTLINE IS TOUGH TO PULL OFF!

 

RAAAAA!

 

Heidi Klum in Marchesa

SURPRISINGLY PRETTY AND INTERESTING, ALTHOUGH THE HAIR AND CHOKER DON’T REALLY WORK!

 

 

Jessica Chastain in Givenchy

SEX DOLL HAIR AND MAKEUP!

 

 

 

Lizzy Caplan in Emilio Pucci

WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK’S GOING ON HERE BUT WE THINK WE LIKE IT!

 

 

Paula Patton in Stéphane Rolland

FUNGUS MONSTER IS LOOKING AT US! FUNGUS MONSTER IS LOOKING AT US!

 

 

Kate Mara in J. Mendel

SERVING UP ’80S PRIME TIME SOAP OPERA BITCH DIVA REALNESS! THROW A CHAMPAGNE FLUTE INTO A FIREPLACE, GIRL!

 

 

Melissa McCarthy in Daniela Kurrle

ONE OF THE BEST SHAPED DRESSES SHE’S EVER WORN! PERFECTLY FLATTERING, EXCEPT FOR THE WEIRD STAR TREK STRIP! ALSO, THE HAIR’S TOO HIGH!

 

 

Julie Bowen in Carolina Herrera

ENTIRELY TOO PRECIOUS! SHE LOOKS LIKE A PORCELAIN FIGURINE!

 

 

[Photo Credit: Andrew Evans/PRPhotos.com, Juan Rico/FAMEFLYNET PICTURES]

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