“The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug” Germany Premiere Red Carpet Rundown

Posted on December 10, 2013

Well this poledance is gonna be nothing but a sausagefest, we see. It couldn’t be avoided, we suppose. The only lady on this red carpet is playing a character not found anywhere in Tolkien. Not that we mind looking at these boys, who are all fetching in their own way. It’s just that you can only say so much about the red carpet-standard dark suit.
 

 

Richard Armitage

See? Nothing to say. He looks fine. Really. Love the pocket square.

 

 

Evangeline Lilly in Alberta Ferretti

This is something of an improvement for her. It’s dramatic in just the manner required for this level of movie premiere. It’s not setting our world on fire or anything, but it gets the job done for her. Now if someone could just convince her to try night-time hair and makeup to go with her gown, we’ll be good to go.

 

 

Ed Sheeran

Appropriately Hobbit-like.

 

 

Luke Evans

Loving the shirt and tie colors. Them pants is tight.

 

 

John Bell

WERQ it, kid.
 

 

Benedict Cumberbatch

Serving classic B Cum. He shouldn’t look so smug, walking around in puddle pants like that. Hem that shit.
 
 

Martin Freeman

He looks good, but the thumbs in the vest strike us as quite the little affectation.

 

 

Aidan Turner

He could be wearing a polyester leisure suit and it wouldn’t matter so long as he’s sporting that smile.

Still, it helps that he dressed nice. Love the shoes.
 
 

Evangeline Lilly and Orlando Bloom

Hey, paws off, honey. Go back to your own picture.

Maybe she’s just being a friend and blocking the cameras from seeing his wrinkled, poorly fitted mess of tux. That’s sweet. Elves sticking together and all that.

 

 

 

 

[Photo Credit: John Rasimus, PacificCoastNews]

    • theblondette

      Ugh, these films. I loved the LOTR movies, but this ridiculous 3 part epic destroys all the cosy joys of The Hobbit novel! Sigh. The only way I would get behind there being 2 more parts of it is if at least 1 of the sequels was Richard Armitage and Aidan Turner making out.

      • Aidan B

        I’d watch that.

      • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ foodycatAlicia

        I just had to take a deep breath and put my wineglass down very carefully. I would pay actual cash money for Richard Armitage and Aidan Turner making out.

        • theblondette

          The world’s cinema screens need more good looking men making out. (And good looking ladies!) HOT PEOPLE SNOGGING NON-HETERONORMATIVELY PLZ

          Wait, this post is about… fashion. Er. Given Evangeline got tangled up in some net curtains on her way to the premiere, she looks pretty nice.

          Phew, fashionista cred re-established.

          • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ foodycatAlicia

            Young John Bell wins the red carpet.

            Can we talk about hot men making out more now?

            • theblondette

              We should throw it open to the floor: Kittens, which of the fine Hobbit cast would you like to see making out? (Ideally out of Hobbit-gear, though if that’s your thing, that’s ok too. No judging!) I’m sticking with my Richard/Aidan pairing, though I bet a lot of Sherlock fans will want Martin/Benedict. :)

            • lunchcoma

              I’ll do a mixed pair and vote for Richard/Benedict.

            • theblondette

              Ideally in Victorian dress, a la Richard’s role as John Thornton North and South! Cravats will be ruffled ;)

            • Kathy

              I like the way you think ;)

            • Jacob Bowen

              Richard/Aidan is PERFECTLY okay. Wow. Aidan…

            • marlie

              Richard Armitage and Luke Evans. Someone needs to make that happen NOW.

            • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ foodycatAlicia

              I just think Martin would be a bit polite and awkward, a la Love Actually.

            • Derek_anny

              Adam Brown in Hobbit-gear. And me. I mean, he’s cute and all out of costume, but when everyone was swooning over Kili and Fili, I was thinking, “Oh, good. Ori’s all mine.”

            • YourBaloneyDontGotNoSecondName

              The gay agenda fully realized. Our work is done.

            • theblondette

              I wish it were true! Because then the Bitter Kittens and Tumblr would save the world :D But in any case, it’s lovely to have these spaces on the internet where we can share our female/queer gazes together amongst strangers who feel like friends. :)

              …This is way too emotional for a post about men wearing (mostly) boring suits! Probably a sign this Brit should be in bed ;)

            • fursa_saida

              Aw, this comment gave me the warm and fuzzies!

            • YourBaloneyDontGotNoSecondName

              aw! big hugs and may you have sweet dreams of Doctors and Wolverines kissing whoever you want them to kiss!

            • theblondette

              Aw, thank you! I do like the idea of Hugh Jackman smooching indiscriminately… :)

            • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ foodycatAlicia

              On a day when India re-criminalises homosexual sex, I feel like it is appropriate to celebrate hot boys making out.

            • tereliz

              “But what about the skin flute?”
              “And the three dollar bill?”

            • formerlyAnon

              I find it amazing that some kittens have OPINIONS on who should be snogging whom in our imaginary sequel. I say roll the dice, stick a screwball fancy dress scene where they mistakenly smooch all the wrong partners into the script early on and let the chemistry sort out who gets to be the featured romantic subplot with extended groping and snogging.

            • Kirstin McAulay

              If you brave tumblr or Archive of Our Own ALL of these and more are available for your reading pleasure….

            • formerlyAnon

              I ration tumblr draconianly and AO3 is a coveted reward for good behavior.

              It would be all too easy to spend 12 hours a day playing on line. I spend/waste most of my discretionary Internet time on people I actually know in real life, here, on TLo’s blog and on a small handful of special-interestl blogs or FB groups.

            • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ foodycatAlicia

              Who needs a plot? I’d watch them play Spin the Bottle for two hours.

            • formerlyAnon

              You may have just invented the purest form of faux-reality t.v. ever.

          • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ foodycatAlicia

            HAVE YOU SEEN GERMAN GQ?!

            • theblondette

              Is it the German male celebs snogging one? That is cool.

            • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ foodycatAlicia

              That’s the one.

            • theblondette

              Something for American or British GQ to join in on, I feel :)

        • marlie

          I love you guys.

      • MilaXX

        I don’t even like the Hobbit movies and I’d pay to see that.

      • Violina23

        I feel like I should want to watch the Hobbit movies, but I just don’t. The book was a cute adventure story, not an epic 9 hour event. With two young kids, I don’t get out to the theater much these days, and when I did, I ran straight to “catching fire”

        All the guys I’ve barely heard of look great…. But Orlando Bloom is giving me a sad.

        • http://Reneesance.etsy.com Reneesance

          He’s just….I never find him attractive out of Elven drag. Even the Pirates of the Carribean Orlando left me “meh” but he’s such a pretty elf.

      • giddypony

        Except that in the movie they are uncle and nephew so a little ick…But I am sure I could throw away my scruples esp’ly if Richard was in full Thorin hair and beard.

        • barbarienne

          Or Guy of Guisborne leather.

    • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ foodycatAlicia

      Martin Freeman is being a bit Method-y. The fingers in vest pockets is very Hobbit.

      • zuzu

        I suppose he probably does that without thinking, now that he’s spent so long as Bilbo.

      • StellaZafella

        On Freeman, I like it better than hands in pockets.

        • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ foodycatAlicia

          Agreed. And at least he doesn’t have a fob chain.

    • k_wilson

      Re: Richard Armitage, “He looks fine.”

      Why, yes. Yes, he does.

    • Aidan B

      No complaints whatsoever about this tour being a sausage-fest. Rawr.

    • Nikko Viquiera

      His pants are too tight – you say that like it’s a bad thing!

      • Lisa M. (ReVoir) Kramp

        I know, like anyone here gets offended by that! Aroused, yes…offended? Hah!

    • Aidan B

      This pending divorce must be hitting poor Orlando hard. Not only has his dressage suffered but he looks miserable.

      • WendyD

        Is he still doing ‘Romeo & Juliet’ on Broadway while also doing all this promotion all over? Or did he take a week or so off from the show? I’d think the flying back and forth would just about kill you.

        • lunchcoma

          The show closed early, on December 8. Between that and the divorce, I think he has some reason to look stressed.

          • WendyD

            Ahh. That definitely lends to the stress. Come, let us love you back to fashion health, Orlando.

            • Shawn EH

              Maybe a period of all black mourning clothes? Those always suit him, and ’tis the season for wool slacks and turtlenecks.

        • gabbilevy

          I’m sure your comment is very interesting, @disqus_WgXevm6PDm:disqus , but IS THAT YOU WITH MATT!?!? *sigh*

        • Cordelia_Gray

          I love your avatar, you lucky, lucky girl!

          • WendyD

            Aw, thanks! It was taken two years ago in Wales at an amazing Doctor Who Convention. He was so gorgeous in person! I also have a photo with Karen Gillian (tall!) and got to meet Arthur Darvill, as well as visit Matt’s old TARDIS set. I’m cherishing it for next two weeks until 11 regenerates. *SOB*

      • kimmeister

        Why even wear a tux when you’re going to refuse to put any effort into it?

      • MoHub

        I don’t think you mean dressage unless you’re referring to his equestrian abilities.

        • Aidan B

          I didn’t like the way “dressing” sounded so I guess I tried to make a pun. Dressage sounds sassier, anyway.

          • MoHub

            I’ll admit that the guy looks good on a horse.

            • Aidan B

              That he does. Far better than he ever looks on the red carpet.

    • 3boysful

      Re Evangeline, I cannot look at pretty much any yoked bodice without thinking Little House on the Prairie/Sister Wife.

      I’ll stick with the guys.

    • WendyD

      I’m so forgiving of anything Benedict does. Forget the pants hem, I want alone time with the jacket and shoes.
      And he can come along with them.

      • kimmeister

        This is, I believe, the first time I’ve seen a man in velvet shoes.

    • rkdgal

      Surely you meant “he shouldn’t look so Smaug” about B Cum? (hangs head in shame for resorting to that…)

      • Kristin McNamara

        No shame! We were all thinking it. You just said it. :D
        ETA- PS I loooooove your avatar! Lucille, FTW!

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        Smaug looking a bit smug, and feeling a bit smoggy?

      • charlotte

        And how about “WERQ it, kilt!” about John Bell?

    • WendyD

      If I was Evangeline, I could not care less about what I was wearing on the red carpet, she was the winner in this whole film saga: a whole character created for her to play, the only woman on the set for a year with all of these men. I’ve seen some of the interviews where she said it was just heaven, how they all doted on her, flirted with her, etc for a WHOLE YEAR. I’d wear sackcloth if they wanted me to after that.

      • lunchcoma

        Well, now I know what I’m going to be thinking about this evening…

      • theblondette

        This sounds like terrible Mary Sue fanfic but it’s REAL!

      • fursa_saida

        Oh, MAN. I’ve been in that position, where I’m the one girl and so everybody just kind of flirts with me by default, but never in that kind of company. Oh, the imaginings.

        • Kit Jackson 1967

          I’ve been in that position, and it didn’t work out the way it was supposed to. In high school, we were required to do sports, so one season I did hiking club (non-competive option). That year I was the only girl in it. In my fantasies I was Roxy from “Chicago” surrounded by the male chorus. In reality it was more like the tag-along younger sister/honorary boy.

        • marlie

          Went out with my best guy friend and a group of his guy friends a few years ago… they totally treated me like a princess. I’d had a rough breakup, and it was SO nice to get all the attention. The best part was, they were mostly all attached, so there was friendly flirting, but no pressure. Just had half a dozen sweet guys buy me drinks, familiar faces to dance with, and then someone to hail a cab for me when it was time to go home.

      • Catiline

        Live the dream, girl! I ain’t even mad.

    • http://visceralresponse.com/ visceral response

      I had no idea Aidan Turner COULD smile. So much better than broody, hirsute Mitchell.

      And Martin may look affected, but he’s the cutest little Fisher Price man, ever, so he’s forgiven.

      • AnneElliot

        Oh my GOD. That is EXACTLY what Martin Freeman is!! How could I have missed that?

        • http://visceralresponse.com/ visceral response

          All due credit for that description to Ricky Gervase and/or Stephen Merchant. They have Gareth call Tim a “Fisher Price man” in an episode of The Office.

      • MrsAtaxxia

        I was actually thinking the affectation was quite Bilbo-esque, so you know, it fits the theme and all. Maybe he’s still got the one ring in there and he’s JUST CHECKING.

      • giddypony

        He smiled as Mitchell! Many times, just not in that last season…

    • StellaZafella

      Can’t wait for Bitter Kitten Kiltd’s reaction to John Bell: Sporan Porn.
      Memory sense: Richard Amitage snogging the hell out of Dawn French as the fiance in the “Vicar of Dibbly”….loved him ever since.

      • MilaXX

        One of my favorite eps of Vicar.

    • GorgeousThings

      Orlando just got off an all-weekend bender in Vegas, rolled out of bed, looked in the mirror and said, “Fuck it, this is the middle film of a middling trio, I’ll wear what I have on.”

    • Judy_S

      Mr. Cumberbatch is not smug. He’s Smaug!!!! (but I also wish he’d get those pants hemmed)

    • Frank_821

      Most of these guys look great-thanks to a clear joy of being there.

      Orlando looks a mess though. Seriously if BCum is in a puddle, Orlando just got caught in a tidal wave. be happy you’re still working

    • MilaXX

      Love that some of these guys aren’t afraid of color. Still crushing Aiden Turner and I love John Bell for bringing out the kilt. Orlando needs to stop resting on pretty and put some effort into his dressing.

      • lunchcoma

        John Bell is impressive, especially at only 16. A lot of his elders could learn a little courage from him.

        I’m inclined to give Orlando a break since he’s going through a rough period right now, both personally and in terms of his career. On the other hand, “resting on pretty” can apply a bit to his career as well as to his fashion sense.

        • MilaXX

          I don’t know. I’ve had plenty of rough patches in life and manages to press my clothes just fine. I’m sure Orlando could even afford to pay someone to do the job.

          • another_laura

            Hear, hear! After all, he has people. I got no people. I’ll give him some bags under the eyes but really there is no excuse for poor-fitting, wrinkly clothes at these price points.

        • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ foodycatAlicia

          He needs to learn the important life lesson of looking smoking hot post break up. His wife may have moved on to a billionaire, but he ain’t as pretty as Orlando and Orlando needs to make that point.

    • marlie

      Evangeline looks pretty.

      Ed Sheeran – NO. Just NO.
      Luke Evans – HAWT. The suit and the tie look great together.
      John Bell – Absolutely adorable.
      Cumberbatch – just an inch or so off of the pants, and this would be perfect.
      Why is Orlando Bloom the one dropping the ball here (same as the last round of this poledance). Though, this time Ed Sheeran is giving him a run for his money.

      • grouchywif

        Because Orlando is exuding a BTDT vibe…only it is coming off wrong. My bet is that he is half-assing it because he wants to remind everyone else that this is not his first blockbuster movie premiere. Not that all of these folks are newbies, but he’s trying to pull the “I’m too big of a star to get all dressed up and excited” card.

    • Neil

      Why is benedict stroking an invisible penis?

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        gratifying his fans?

    • Glam Dixie

      Who knew Ed Sheeran was actually a hobbit?

      • kimmeister

        Does he actually appear in the movie? Or did he contribute to the soundtrack?

        • Trickytrisha

          Or did they use him for a reference for the Proper Hobbit Gentleman?

        • Felicia Zuniga

          He’s contributing the credit song for DoS.

    • Janet B

      My teen is so excited to see John Bell in a kilt.

    • Jacob Bowen

      If I was a 16 year old Scottish child actor who could pull of a kilt without looking stupid I would’ve done the same. Kudos to you John Bell for rockin’ it!

    • decormaven

      Aidan Turner smiles like a happy 5-year-old. What a cutie! As for Ms. Lily learning about “night-time hair,” – ain’t gonna happen.

    • housefulofboys

      What a great red carpet! Everyone looked nice, puddly pants notwithstanding, and HAPPY! I liked Evangeline’s dress a lot on her, and kind of envy her strolling the red carpet with such a collection of great looking gentlemen.

    • Danielle

      IS ED SHEERAN IN THIS MOVIE? SIGN ME UP

      • Jumpingjacks

        Not sure, but he did a big song for the movie soundtrack

    • PastryGoddess

      I didn’t know kilts were high waisted

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      OK-just send Armitage and Cumberbatch to my house-STAT. Is Cumby wearing that velvet thing again? Love it. Legolas, get the suit pressed, dear.

    • ‘Becca’lise Deveaux

      Ah, 10th grade me was so in love with Orlando Bloom (remember how good he looked in 2001?). Doesn’t do much for me these days. Richard Armitage, on the other hand…

      • marlie

        You were in 10th grade in 2001?

        *dies*

        • formerlyAnon

          Oh Marlie, that did sneak up on us, didn’t it? It’s been nearly a decade since I quit doing the math on younger friends to compare where we were in our lives on any specific day/year/month.

          • marlie

            Alas, it still happens with me because the bf is 5.5 years younger. He’ll say something like “that movie came out when I was in middle school,” and I realize that I went to see it as a freshman in college.

            • formerlyAnon

              Ha!

        • ‘Becca’lise Deveaux

          Hahaha, isn’t it funny how people can make us feel young or old? I have a coworker who was born in 1993 and she makes me feel like an old crone.

    • LaSylphide

      Have been in love with Richard Armitage since North and South. Not likely to change anytime soon.

      • schadenfreudelicious

        He is so delicious in that role…i may need to rewatch on Netflix forthwith!

    • Kirstin McAulay

      Every Scottish gene in me is cheering on kilt lad…. so cute – If only heritage allowed for Mr Armitage to be so attired……………….. sorry got lost there ;)

      Aidan can smile all the time, Luke Evans clearly knew his tailor very well getting them trousers fitted, Benedict is English Gent hot – wonder if the sequin dress shoes will reappear this pole-dance, Martin is very hot – love a pocket sized man (says the barely 5 foot lass) but pass Thorin here, I could muss up that look quite easily!

    • Lisa M. (ReVoir) Kramp

      Thank you for providing me with my evening dessert. They all look lovely here except for Orlando who is, was and always will be, a mook.

    • Saturnine

      No Lee Pace on this carpet? :-(

    • DeTrop

      Love seeing Richard Armitage getting some notariety. He is extremely good looking and quite a good actor imnsho.
      Thank you both for bringing him to us. (Read that as bringing him to ME).

      Love seeing Benedict C and Aidan Turner. This is a good day.

    • heuristicvalue

      I want some B Cum in my pants, please.

      Evangeline looks good in black. I will take one of her too, please.

    • filmcricket

      Men in kilts FTW, I’m totally fine with the thumbs-in-vest-pockets affectation, and Ed Sheeran’s suit hurts my feelings.

    • Pennymac

      Any man in a kilt,, no matter how portly, or balding, is a WERQ for me. This jubilance in a kilt? It give me LIFE! (P.S. the “Mac” part of my name is the Scottish part. )

    • katiessh

      do you think everyone just spends the red carpet being like… so what’s happening on sherlock?

    • Tatiana Luján

      thumbs in the vest is a pure Bilbo Baggins pose.

    • MoHub

      No negatives about Martin Freeman, please. He can do no wrong in my book, and his part in the original The Office is why I was never able to accept the American version.

      • Tatiana Luján

        I haven’t, is it good?

        • MoHub

          Excellent. A very funny series in which Freeman is the most victimized of a highly dysfunctional family.

          • Madam Von Sassypants

            Isn’t he the most victimized in most of his roles?

    • teensmom99

      Spot on re Ed Sheeran and hobbit-like but I’ve got to say that 14 yo Ms. Teen herself loves him that way. Nice and unthreatening. At least he has talent.

    • Jecca2244

      i saw the movie monday night and Evageline should act more. she was really good. orlando should pretty much always rock the long blonde hair. the aidan guy is adorable. and where is Lee Pace??? Perfection.

      • Prudentia

        Oh, Lee Pace. Le sigh.

    • Shawn EH

      Orlando’s a mess, but Evangeline is finally getting the RC down. She looks great.

    • http://armchairauthor.wordpress.com/ LesYeuxHiboux

      Evangeline Lilly is on my irrational hate list. Maybe not irrational, she seems quite far up her own rear end. I am ever so pissed about her inclusion in The Hobbit. It’s not canon! /end geek rant

      The fellows look mostly fine. Love the deployment of an impeccable formal kilt, and Cumberbatch’s velvet jacket. Velllllllvet.

      • Sarah

        Begone, extraneous and superfluous elf!

    • NMMagpie

      Richard Armitage just takes my breath away. Thanks for including him, TLO. :)

      He can wear whatever he wants. Or not. He’s always gorgeous to me.

      • alinana

        Preferably not.

    • MaggieMae

      Ed! Come ON, dude! You’re a hot mess!

      That three piece ages my boy Martin Freeman.

      I gasped at Cumberbatch. Striking!

    • samitee

      The mere fact of Martin Freeman’s picture being right after Benedict Cumberbatch was enough to get my brain to start counting down the days til Sherlock returns!!

    • PixiePunch

      Luke Evans looks like evil!Orlando Bloom to me.

    • Ann VerWiebe

      Gootta love a guy rockin’ his sporran!

    • allisankelly

      Cumberbatch, as a rule, does nothing for me. BUT, I got a tingle when I scrolled down to his picture. He does look a little smug, but that’s because he is rocking that velvet blazer.

    • giddypony

      Aidan Turner is so freaking lovely. That smile, the way he sticks his tongue out…I refer to the “Hobbit” movies as “kili’s” movies because he is the reason I go (although Dean O’Gorman is also quite cute, and they have the sweetest bromance.) Yes, I am a fangirl….

    • Akemi

      Martin Freeman has his thumbs in his vest pockets because he’s moments away from flipping off the cameras. Again. Probably.

      Why don’t any of these dudes have tailors for their pants?

    • Erica_Vuitton

      Oy Orlando looks terrible!!! Like… on the sauce terrible…

    • St. Ace

      OMG, Kili… go look up pictures of him in production. Every frame he’s in, such as escaping the Elves in barrels and facing death by drowning, his face just says “OMG THIS IS THE MOST FUN I’VE EVER HAD!”