“The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug” Germany Premiere Red Carpet Rundown

Posted on December 10, 2013

Well this poledance is gonna be nothing but a sausagefest, we see. It couldn’t be avoided, we suppose. The only lady on this red carpet is playing a character not found anywhere in Tolkien. Not that we mind looking at these boys, who are all fetching in their own way. It’s just that you can only say so much about the red carpet-standard dark suit.


Richard Armitage

See? Nothing to say. He looks fine. Really. Love the pocket square.



Evangeline Lilly in Alberta Ferretti

This is something of an improvement for her. It’s dramatic in just the manner required for this level of movie premiere. It’s not setting our world on fire or anything, but it gets the job done for her. Now if someone could just convince her to try night-time hair and makeup to go with her gown, we’ll be good to go.



Ed Sheeran

Appropriately Hobbit-like.



Luke Evans

Loving the shirt and tie colors. Them pants is tight.



John Bell

WERQ it, kid.


Benedict Cumberbatch

Serving classic B Cum. He shouldn’t look so smug, walking around in puddle pants like that. Hem that shit.

Martin Freeman

He looks good, but the thumbs in the vest strike us as quite the little affectation.



Aidan Turner

He could be wearing a polyester leisure suit and it wouldn’t matter so long as he’s sporting that smile.

Still, it helps that he dressed nice. Love the shoes.

Evangeline Lilly and Orlando Bloom

Hey, paws off, honey. Go back to your own picture.

Maybe she’s just being a friend and blocking the cameras from seeing his wrinkled, poorly fitted mess of tux. That’s sweet. Elves sticking together and all that.





[Photo Credit: John Rasimus, PacificCoastNews]

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  • theblondette

    Ugh, these films. I loved the LOTR movies, but this ridiculous 3 part epic destroys all the cosy joys of The Hobbit novel! Sigh. The only way I would get behind there being 2 more parts of it is if at least 1 of the sequels was Richard Armitage and Aidan Turner making out.

    • Aidan B

      I’d watch that.

    • I just had to take a deep breath and put my wineglass down very carefully. I would pay actual cash money for Richard Armitage and Aidan Turner making out.

      • theblondette

        The world’s cinema screens need more good looking men making out. (And good looking ladies!) HOT PEOPLE SNOGGING NON-HETERONORMATIVELY PLZ

        Wait, this post is about… fashion. Er. Given Evangeline got tangled up in some net curtains on her way to the premiere, she looks pretty nice.

        Phew, fashionista cred re-established.

        • Young John Bell wins the red carpet.

          Can we talk about hot men making out more now?

          • theblondette

            We should throw it open to the floor: Kittens, which of the fine Hobbit cast would you like to see making out? (Ideally out of Hobbit-gear, though if that’s your thing, that’s ok too. No judging!) I’m sticking with my Richard/Aidan pairing, though I bet a lot of Sherlock fans will want Martin/Benedict. ๐Ÿ™‚

          • lunchcoma

            I’ll do a mixed pair and vote for Richard/Benedict.

          • theblondette

            Ideally in Victorian dress, a la Richard’s role as John Thornton North and South! Cravats will be ruffled ๐Ÿ˜‰

          • Kathy

            I like the way you think ๐Ÿ˜‰

          • Jacob Bowen

            Richard/Aidan is PERFECTLY okay. Wow. Aidan…

          • marlie

            Richard Armitage and Luke Evans. Someone needs to make that happen NOW.

          • I just think Martin would be a bit polite and awkward, a la Love Actually.

          • Derek_anny

            Adam Brown in Hobbit-gear. And me. I mean, he’s cute and all out of costume, but when everyone was swooning over Kili and Fili, I was thinking, “Oh, good. Ori’s all mine.”

          • YourBaloneyDontGotNoSecondName

            The gay agenda fully realized. Our work is done.

          • theblondette

            I wish it were true! Because then the Bitter Kittens and Tumblr would save the world ๐Ÿ˜€ But in any case, it’s lovely to have these spaces on the internet where we can share our female/queer gazes together amongst strangers who feel like friends. ๐Ÿ™‚

            …This is way too emotional for a post about men wearing (mostly) boring suits! Probably a sign this Brit should be in bed ๐Ÿ˜‰

          • fursa_saida

            Aw, this comment gave me the warm and fuzzies!

          • YourBaloneyDontGotNoSecondName

            aw! big hugs and may you have sweet dreams of Doctors and Wolverines kissing whoever you want them to kiss!

          • theblondette

            Aw, thank you! I do like the idea of Hugh Jackman smooching indiscriminately… ๐Ÿ™‚

          • On a day when India re-criminalises homosexual sex, I feel like it is appropriate to celebrate hot boys making out.

          • tereliz

            “But what about the skin flute?”
            “And the three dollar bill?”

          • formerlyAnon

            I find it amazing that some kittens have OPINIONS on who should be snogging whom in our imaginary sequel. I say roll the dice, stick a screwball fancy dress scene where they mistakenly smooch all the wrong partners into the script early on and let the chemistry sort out who gets to be the featured romantic subplot with extended groping and snogging.

          • Kirstin McAulay

            If you brave tumblr or Archive of Our Own ALL of these and more are available for your reading pleasure….

          • formerlyAnon

            I ration tumblr draconianly and AO3 is a coveted reward for good behavior.

            It would be all too easy to spend 12 hours a day playing on line. I spend/waste most of my discretionary Internet time on people I actually know in real life, here, on TLo’s blog and on a small handful of special-interestl blogs or FB groups.

          • Who needs a plot? I’d watch them play Spin the Bottle for two hours.

          • formerlyAnon

            You may have just invented the purest form of faux-reality t.v. ever.


          • theblondette

            Is it the German male celebs snogging one? That is cool.

          • That’s the one.

          • theblondette

            Something for American or British GQ to join in on, I feel ๐Ÿ™‚

      • marlie

        I love you guys.

    • MilaXX

      I don’t even like the Hobbit movies and I’d pay to see that.

    • Violina23

      I feel like I should want to watch the Hobbit movies, but I just don’t. The book was a cute adventure story, not an epic 9 hour event. With two young kids, I don’t get out to the theater much these days, and when I did, I ran straight to “catching fire”

      All the guys I’ve barely heard of look great…. But Orlando Bloom is giving me a sad.

      • He’s just….I never find him attractive out of Elven drag. Even the Pirates of the Carribean Orlando left me “meh” but he’s such a pretty elf.

    • giddypony

      Except that in the movie they are uncle and nephew so a little ick…But I am sure I could throw away my scruples esp’ly if Richard was in full Thorin hair and beard.

      • barbarienne

        Or Guy of Guisborne leather.

  • Martin Freeman is being a bit Method-y. The fingers in vest pockets is very Hobbit.

    • zuzu

      I suppose he probably does that without thinking, now that he’s spent so long as Bilbo.

    • StellaZafella

      On Freeman, I like it better than hands in pockets.

  • k_wilson

    Re: Richard Armitage, “He looks fine.”

    Why, yes. Yes, he does.

  • Aidan B

    No complaints whatsoever about this tour being a sausage-fest. Rawr.

  • Nikko Viquiera

    His pants are too tight – you say that like it’s a bad thing!

    • Lisa M. (ReVoir) Kramp

      I know, like anyone here gets offended by that! Aroused, yes…offended? Hah!

  • Aidan B

    This pending divorce must be hitting poor Orlando hard. Not only has his dressage suffered but he looks miserable.

    • WendyD

      Is he still doing ‘Romeo & Juliet’ on Broadway while also doing all this promotion all over? Or did he take a week or so off from the show? I’d think the flying back and forth would just about kill you.

      • lunchcoma

        The show closed early, on December 8. Between that and the divorce, I think he has some reason to look stressed.

        • WendyD

          Ahh. That definitely lends to the stress. Come, let us love you back to fashion health, Orlando.

          • Shawn EH

            Maybe a period of all black mourning clothes? Those always suit him, and ’tis the season for wool slacks and turtlenecks.

      • gabbilevy

        I’m sure your comment is very interesting, @disqus_WgXevm6PDm:disqus , but IS THAT YOU WITH MATT!?!? *sigh*

      • Cordelia_Gray

        I love your avatar, you lucky, lucky girl!

        • WendyD

          Aw, thanks! It was taken two years ago in Wales at an amazing Doctor Who Convention. He was so gorgeous in person! I also have a photo with Karen Gillian (tall!) and got to meet Arthur Darvill, as well as visit Matt’s old TARDIS set. I’m cherishing it for next two weeks until 11 regenerates. *SOB*

    • kimmeister

      Why even wear a tux when you’re going to refuse to put any effort into it?

    • MoHub

      I don’t think you mean dressage unless you’re referring to his equestrian abilities.

      • Aidan B

        I didn’t like the way “dressing” sounded so I guess I tried to make a pun. Dressage sounds sassier, anyway.

        • MoHub

          I’ll admit that the guy looks good on a horse.

          • Aidan B

            That he does. Far better than he ever looks on the red carpet.

  • 3boysful

    Re Evangeline, I cannot look at pretty much any yoked bodice without thinking Little House on the Prairie/Sister Wife.

    I’ll stick with the guys.

  • WendyD

    I’m so forgiving of anything Benedict does. Forget the pants hem, I want alone time with the jacket and shoes.
    And he can come along with them.

    • kimmeister

      This is, I believe, the first time I’ve seen a man in velvet shoes.

  • rkdgal

    Surely you meant “he shouldn’t look so Smaug” about B Cum? (hangs head in shame for resorting to that…)

    • Kristin McNamara

      No shame! We were all thinking it. You just said it. ๐Ÿ˜€
      ETA- PS I loooooove your avatar! Lucille, FTW!

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      Smaug looking a bit smug, and feeling a bit smoggy?

    • charlotte

      And how about “WERQ it, kilt!” about John Bell?

  • WendyD

    If I was Evangeline, I could not care less about what I was wearing on the red carpet, she was the winner in this whole film saga: a whole character created for her to play, the only woman on the set for a year with all of these men. I’ve seen some of the interviews where she said it was just heaven, how they all doted on her, flirted with her, etc for a WHOLE YEAR. I’d wear sackcloth if they wanted me to after that.

    • lunchcoma

      Well, now I know what I’m going to be thinking about this evening…

    • theblondette

      This sounds like terrible Mary Sue fanfic but it’s REAL!

    • fursa_saida

      Oh, MAN. I’ve been in that position, where I’m the one girl and so everybody just kind of flirts with me by default, but never in that kind of company. Oh, the imaginings.

      • Kit Jackson 1967

        I’ve been in that position, and it didn’t work out the way it was supposed to. In high school, we were required to do sports, so one season I did hiking club (non-competive option). That year I was the only girl in it. In my fantasies I was Roxy from “Chicago” surrounded by the male chorus. In reality it was more like the tag-along younger sister/honorary boy.

      • marlie

        Went out with my best guy friend and a group of his guy friends a few years ago… they totally treated me like a princess. I’d had a rough breakup, and it was SO nice to get all the attention. The best part was, they were mostly all attached, so there was friendly flirting, but no pressure. Just had half a dozen sweet guys buy me drinks, familiar faces to dance with, and then someone to hail a cab for me when it was time to go home.

    • Catiline

      Live the dream, girl! I ain’t even mad.

  • I had no idea Aidan Turner COULD smile. So much better than broody, hirsute Mitchell.

    And Martin may look affected, but he’s the cutest little Fisher Price man, ever, so he’s forgiven.

    • AnneElliot

      Oh my GOD. That is EXACTLY what Martin Freeman is!! How could I have missed that?

      • All due credit for that description to Ricky Gervase and/or Stephen Merchant. They have Gareth call Tim a “Fisher Price man” in an episode of The Office.

    • MrsAtaxxia

      I was actually thinking the affectation was quite Bilbo-esque, so you know, it fits the theme and all. Maybe he’s still got the one ring in there and he’s JUST CHECKING.

    • giddypony

      He smiled as Mitchell! Many times, just not in that last season…

  • StellaZafella

    Can’t wait for Bitter Kitten Kiltd’s reaction to John Bell: Sporan Porn.
    Memory sense: Richard Amitage snogging the hell out of Dawn French as the fiance in the “Vicar of Dibbly”….loved him ever since.

    • MilaXX

      One of my favorite eps of Vicar.

  • GorgeousThings

    Orlando just got off an all-weekend bender in Vegas, rolled out of bed, looked in the mirror and said, “Fuck it, this is the middle film of a middling trio, I’ll wear what I have on.”

  • Judy_S

    Mr. Cumberbatch is not smug. He’s Smaug!!!! (but I also wish he’d get those pants hemmed)

  • Frank_821

    Most of these guys look great-thanks to a clear joy of being there.

    Orlando looks a mess though. Seriously if BCum is in a puddle, Orlando just got caught in a tidal wave. be happy you’re still working

  • MilaXX

    Love that some of these guys aren’t afraid of color. Still crushing Aiden Turner and I love John Bell for bringing out the kilt. Orlando needs to stop resting on pretty and put some effort into his dressing.

    • lunchcoma

      John Bell is impressive, especially at only 16. A lot of his elders could learn a little courage from him.

      I’m inclined to give Orlando a break since he’s going through a rough period right now, both personally and in terms of his career. On the other hand, “resting on pretty” can apply a bit to his career as well as to his fashion sense.

      • MilaXX

        I don’t know. I’ve had plenty of rough patches in life and manages to press my clothes just fine. I’m sure Orlando could even afford to pay someone to do the job.

        • another_laura

          Hear, hear! After all, he has people. I got no people. I’ll give him some bags under the eyes but really there is no excuse for poor-fitting, wrinkly clothes at these price points.

      • He needs to learn the important life lesson of looking smoking hot post break up. His wife may have moved on to a billionaire, but he ain’t as pretty as Orlando and Orlando needs to make that point.

  • marlie

    Evangeline looks pretty.

    Ed Sheeran – NO. Just NO.
    Luke Evans – HAWT. The suit and the tie look great together.
    John Bell – Absolutely adorable.
    Cumberbatch – just an inch or so off of the pants, and this would be perfect.
    Why is Orlando Bloom the one dropping the ball here (same as the last round of this poledance). Though, this time Ed Sheeran is giving him a run for his money.

    • grouchywif

      Because Orlando is exuding a BTDT vibe…only it is coming off wrong. My bet is that he is half-assing it because he wants to remind everyone else that this is not his first blockbuster movie premiere. Not that all of these folks are newbies, but he’s trying to pull the “I’m too big of a star to get all dressed up and excited” card.

  • Neil

    Why is benedict stroking an invisible penis?

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      gratifying his fans?

  • Glam Dixie

    Who knew Ed Sheeran was actually a hobbit?

    • kimmeister

      Does he actually appear in the movie? Or did he contribute to the soundtrack?

      • Trickytrisha

        Or did they use him for a reference for the Proper Hobbit Gentleman?

      • Felicia Zuniga

        He’s contributing the credit song for DoS.

  • Janet B

    My teen is so excited to see John Bell in a kilt.

  • Jacob Bowen

    If I was a 16 year old Scottish child actor who could pull of a kilt without looking stupid I would’ve done the same. Kudos to you John Bell for rockin’ it!

  • decormaven

    Aidan Turner smiles like a happy 5-year-old. What a cutie! As for Ms. Lily learning about “night-time hair,” – ain’t gonna happen.

  • housefulofboys

    What a great red carpet! Everyone looked nice, puddly pants notwithstanding, and HAPPY! I liked Evangeline’s dress a lot on her, and kind of envy her strolling the red carpet with such a collection of great looking gentlemen.

  • Danielle


    • Jumpingjacks

      Not sure, but he did a big song for the movie soundtrack

  • PastryGoddess

    I didn’t know kilts were high waisted

  • bitchybitchybitchy

    OK-just send Armitage and Cumberbatch to my house-STAT. Is Cumby wearing that velvet thing again? Love it. Legolas, get the suit pressed, dear.

  • ‘Becca’lise Deveaux

    Ah, 10th grade me was so in love with Orlando Bloom (remember how good he looked in 2001?). Doesn’t do much for me these days. Richard Armitage, on the other hand…

    • marlie

      You were in 10th grade in 2001?


      • formerlyAnon

        Oh Marlie, that did sneak up on us, didn’t it? It’s been nearly a decade since I quit doing the math on younger friends to compare where we were in our lives on any specific day/year/month.

        • marlie

          Alas, it still happens with me because the bf is 5.5 years younger. He’ll say something like “that movie came out when I was in middle school,” and I realize that I went to see it as a freshman in college.

          • formerlyAnon


      • ‘Becca’lise Deveaux

        Hahaha, isn’t it funny how people can make us feel young or old? I have a coworker who was born in 1993 and she makes me feel like an old crone.

  • LaSylphide

    Have been in love with Richard Armitage since North and South. Not likely to change anytime soon.

    • schadenfreudelicious

      He is so delicious in that roleโ€ฆi may need to rewatch on Netflix forthwith!

  • Kirstin McAulay

    Every Scottish gene in me is cheering on kilt lad…. so cute – If only heritage allowed for Mr Armitage to be so attired……………….. sorry got lost there ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Aidan can smile all the time, Luke Evans clearly knew his tailor very well getting them trousers fitted, Benedict is English Gent hot – wonder if the sequin dress shoes will reappear this pole-dance, Martin is very hot – love a pocket sized man (says the barely 5 foot lass) but pass Thorin here, I could muss up that look quite easily!

  • Lisa M. (ReVoir) Kramp

    Thank you for providing me with my evening dessert. They all look lovely here except for Orlando who is, was and always will be, a mook.

  • Saturnine

    No Lee Pace on this carpet? ๐Ÿ™

  • DeTrop

    Love seeing Richard Armitage getting some notariety. He is extremely good looking and quite a good actor imnsho.
    Thank you both for bringing him to us. (Read that as bringing him to ME).

    Love seeing Benedict C and Aidan Turner. This is a good day.

  • heuristicvalue

    I want some B Cum in my pants, please.

    Evangeline looks good in black. I will take one of her too, please.

  • filmcricket

    Men in kilts FTW, I’m totally fine with the thumbs-in-vest-pockets affectation, and Ed Sheeran’s suit hurts my feelings.

  • Pennymac

    Any man in a kilt,, no matter how portly, or balding, is a WERQ for me. This jubilance in a kilt? It give me LIFE! (P.S. the “Mac” part of my name is the Scottish part. )

  • katiessh

    do you think everyone just spends the red carpet being like… so what’s happening on sherlock?

  • Tatiana Lujรกn

    thumbs in the vest is a pure Bilbo Baggins pose.

  • MoHub

    No negatives about Martin Freeman, please. He can do no wrong in my book, and his part in the original The Office is why I was never able to accept the American version.

    • Tatiana Lujรกn

      I haven’t, is it good?

      • MoHub

        Excellent. A very funny series in which Freeman is the most victimized of a highly dysfunctional family.

        • Madam Von Sassypants

          Isn’t he the most victimized in most of his roles?

  • teensmom99

    Spot on re Ed Sheeran and hobbit-like but I’ve got to say that 14 yo Ms. Teen herself loves him that way. Nice and unthreatening. At least he has talent.

  • Jecca2244

    i saw the movie monday night and Evageline should act more. she was really good. orlando should pretty much always rock the long blonde hair. the aidan guy is adorable. and where is Lee Pace??? Perfection.

    • Prudentia

      Oh, Lee Pace. Le sigh.

  • Shawn EH

    Orlando’s a mess, but Evangeline is finally getting the RC down. She looks great.

  • Evangeline Lilly is on my irrational hate list. Maybe not irrational, she seems quite far up her own rear end. I am ever so pissed about her inclusion in The Hobbit. It’s not canon! /end geek rant

    The fellows look mostly fine. Love the deployment of an impeccable formal kilt, and Cumberbatch’s velvet jacket. Velllllllvet.

    • Sarah

      Begone, extraneous and superfluous elf!

  • NMMagpie

    Richard Armitage just takes my breath away. Thanks for including him, TLO. ๐Ÿ™‚

    He can wear whatever he wants. Or not. He’s always gorgeous to me.

    • alinana

      Preferably not.

  • MaggieMae

    Ed! Come ON, dude! You’re a hot mess!

    That three piece ages my boy Martin Freeman.

    I gasped at Cumberbatch. Striking!

  • samitee

    The mere fact of Martin Freeman’s picture being right after Benedict Cumberbatch was enough to get my brain to start counting down the days til Sherlock returns!!

  • PixiePunch

    Luke Evans looks like evil!Orlando Bloom to me.

  • Ann VerWiebe

    Gootta love a guy rockin’ his sporran!

  • allisankelly

    Cumberbatch, as a rule, does nothing for me. BUT, I got a tingle when I scrolled down to his picture. He does look a little smug, but that’s because he is rocking that velvet blazer.

  • giddypony

    Aidan Turner is so freaking lovely. That smile, the way he sticks his tongue out…I refer to the “Hobbit” movies as “kili’s” movies because he is the reason I go (although Dean O’Gorman is also quite cute, and they have the sweetest bromance.) Yes, I am a fangirl….

  • Akemi

    Martin Freeman has his thumbs in his vest pockets because he’s moments away from flipping off the cameras. Again. Probably.

    Why don’t any of these dudes have tailors for their pants?

  • Erica_Vuitton

    Oy Orlando looks terrible!!! Like… on the sauce terrible…

  • St. Ace

    OMG, Kili… go look up pictures of him in production. Every frame he’s in, such as escaping the Elves in barrels and facing death by drowning, his face just says “OMG THIS IS THE MOST FUN I’VE EVER HAD!”