T Lo’s WORST RED CARPET LOOKS OF 2013, PART 1

Posted on December 30, 2013

*Cracking knuckles*

Let’s DO this.

We kind of relish this moment, because nothing gets readers all kinds of het up than hearing someone declare that an outfit they liked on a star they admire is one of the worst of the year. Or worse, that an outfit they despise somehow didn’t get on the list. Delicious fan rage. We love it so.

But honestly, like all of the click-bait year-end lists that you’ve been bombarded with for the last month, this is all entirely subjective. We stand firmly behind the idea that every look on this list deserved to be listed among the worst and would silently question the taste of anyone who would argue otherwise, but we also acknowledge that our own idiosyncratic methods of determination left some clearly ugly and half-assed outfits unmentioned. Basically, we could’ve just picked 15 guystars looking like they rolled out of bed and onto the red carpet and called it a day, since no group puts less work into their public style than young male stars. Or we could have done an all-Lena Dunham list and found it easy to defend. But we tend to look at a whole bunch of factors, like the intent behind the outfit (there’s failing to try and then there’s trying and failing), the needs of the person wearing it, and the event they’re attending. But let’s not overexplain. Let’s just get to the bitchery, shall we? Strap yourselves in.
 
 

15. Robert Downey Jr. in Vivienne Westwood

Robert Downey Jr. attends the ‘Iron Man 3′ South Korea Premiere in Vivienne Westwood.

 
 

The ladies do NOT like it when we rag on their beloved RDJ, but we care not. The man is a joke from a style perspective. As you can see, he’s wearing an entirely too-tricky-for-RDJ Westwood tuxedo which neither fits nor suits him. As you can also see, he’s paired it with his usual choice of footwear, something gigantic and appropriate for a boy 40 years younger than him. What you might not see unless you click through to the original post and more pics, is that HIS FREAKING FLY IS UNDONE ON THE RED CARPET. We said it at the time and we’ll say it again: a whole lot of people spent hundreds of hours and hundreds of millions of dollars to get RDJ to that red carpet to promote that project. There’s a point at which your very-studied-and-practiced insouciance borders on disrespect.

 
 

14. Zosia Mamet in Honor

“Girls” Zosia Mamet attends the 2013 Primetime Emmy Awards held at Nokia Theatre L.A. Live in Los Angeles, California in an Honor dress.

 
 

Here’s a perfect example of what we mean by “failing to try” vs. “trying and failing.” She went out in public wearing some truly ugly don’t-give-a-fuck outfits this year, but when we take them on their own terms (i.e., that she doesn’t give a fuck) then we’re forced to come down harder on outfits like these, where she clearly tried to do her version of red carpet glamour but only wound up subjecting herself to a whole lot of “sleeping Lone Ranger” jokes from bitches like us.

Seriously, we keep waiting for her boobs to open their eyes.

 
 

13. Emma Roberts in Lanvin

“American Horror Story: Coven” star Emma Roberts attends the 2013 American Music Awards held at Nokia Theatre L.A. Live in Los Angeles, California in a Lanvin dress paired with Casadei shoes and a RODO clutch.

 
 

A droopy silver trashbag paired with bridesmaid accessories. Nothing more needs to be said about this assault to eyes everywhere.

 
 

12. Jessica Paré in Oscar de la Renta

“Mad Men” star Jessica Paré attends the 2013 Primetime Emmy Awards held at Nokia Theatre L.A. Live in Los Angeles, California in an Oscar de la Renta dress.

 
 
She kind of looks like she left the house in a really pretty dress, impeccably styled, then got into a fender bender on the way over and was forced to walk on the side of a freeway for several miles before showing up on the red carpet.
 
 

11. Claire Danes in Armani Privé

“Homeland” star Claire Danes attends the 2013 Primetime Emmy Awards held at Nokia Theatre L.A. Live in Los Angeles, California in an Armani Privé dress paired with Neil Lane jewelry.

 
 
We really have to salute whoever put this look together. The dress and the haircut are both horribly unflattering AND they’re both blandly colorless. It’s a very unified and put-together form of ugly, we’ll give it that. She’s a pair of lips floating in a sea of nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Photo Credit: INFPhoto.com, PRPhotos.com, Getty Images]

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  • http://www.luxperdiem.com/ Paige @ LPD

    I for real thought claire danes was january jones for a second.

    • VermillionSky

      me too!

      • NYCGlamourpuss

        Haaah! Same!

  • kimmeister

    Can’t argue with any of these. Jessica Pare looks like she twisted her ankle in the hypothetical fender bender.

    • conniemd

      I immediately cued in on that strange foot pose. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone stand with their foot so twisted.

  • Jessica Freeman

    I’m on board with all of the above.

  • @Biting Panda

    Oh Zosia, and her boobs of doom. Bless.
    I’d forgotten all about Claire’s salute to pale and unflattering. Lordy, that was bad.

    • KateShouldBeWorking

      My sister and I were at loggerheads to determine which of these two looks was the worst of the night. Sadly, her head exploded.

    • Evan

      What’s really sad is I think Zosia’s dress would be beautiful if it weren’t for the “boobs of doom.”

      • @Biting Panda

        I do too.

      • alyce1213

        I agree, it went from sublime to ridiculous with the boob mask. One element — the wrong one — can ruin a dress.

        • Evan

          Yes, isn’t it amazing how that took it from a potential Best Red Carpet Look of 2013 to a spot on the Worst list? To be fair to her, it’s not really her fault, it’s the designer’s fault. They should have let that beautiful fabric do all the work. But she did pick it out…

      • twigg

        It would also look better on someone else. Kerry Washington, maybe?

        • Evan

          It probably would look better on Kerry Washington, but I think it still would’ve looked really good on Zosia if it didn’t have the boob mask and maybe that sheer overlay thingy around the neck. I love the fabric because it reminds me of an impressionist painting. It makes me weep when designers turn what could be a stunning dress into an overwrought mess.

    • 3boysful

      I could get behind this dress on someone of different, i.e., darker, coloring, IF it were not for the weird proportions that make it look to be hanging 6″ too low.

    • charlotte

      “Zosia Mamet in Horror”…

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        In a cross-cable special, “Girls” meet “American Horror Story”

    • NYCGlamourpuss

      I’m proud, I totally remember making fun of that outfit here when it was first posted.

      • @Biting Panda

        I’ve enjoyed going to the posts and reading our original thoughts. We are some snarky bitches. And I love us.

        • demidaemon

          I love us too! Lots of self group love!

  • mmebam

    The color of Jessica’s dress is exquisite.

    That ‘s it.

  • mmebam

    Too bad the trashbag made such an early appearance. I’m pretty sure I recoiled and horror when I saw it again.

  • Danielle

    Zosia is a study is the Worst Red Carpet Looks.

    • marlie

      Like TLo said about Lena Dunham, though, what fun would there be in just looking at 15 of Zosia’s looks? But it would be an EASY 15 (or 20, or 30) worst-dressed looks with just the cast of “Girls” alone.

      • alyce1213

        Jinx.

  • Susan Collier

    Oh yeah.
    Man, I missed that Clare Daines look. That dress looks like it’s made of super-expensive material and tailoring done by Anya Ayoung Chee.
    Jessica Pare’s dress + that stance makes it look like an optical illusion/spine deformity.

    • TropiCarla

      LOL @ “tailoring by Anya Ayoung Chee.”

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        Seams and sleeves are soooooooooo hard! said while batting eyes at 100 miles per hour.

  • ashtangajunkie

    RDJ’s alleged charisma cannot save him from his clothing choices.

  • marlie

    I am a RDJ apologist, and I generally will allow him a LOT of leeway, but this outfit was all sorts of “fail.” Strangely, I like Zosia’s dress. It’s not perfectly executed, but there are elements that I really like. Emma’s outfit is tragic. Cheap and tacky-looking.

    GAWD I hate that dress on Claire. Put that dress on Naomie Harris or Lupita Nyong’o, and make sure they have some sort of support built into the dress, and THEN the dress would work. On Claire, she looks droopy and washed-out.

    • ampg

      Yes on RDJ; I often find myself defending his choices to TLo because I feel like I get the look he’s going for, but this was just sad and ridiculous. The unzipped fly added an extra layer of cringe to an already cringe-worthy look.

  • Glam Dixie

    These are all excellent choices, Uncles. I cannot wait to see the horrors of the top 10.

  • Introspective

    Emma looks frightful. Could easily be higher on the list IMO.

    The rest are offensive but not nearly as grating as that Studio 54 Hefty bag.

  • nannypoo

    I like RDJ and would like to defend him here but I just can’t. To characterize his appearance and attitude as disrespectful sums it up.

    • jay

      exactly. I usually really like his sort of man-child styling (mostly because that’s basically how I dress too), because it’s usually clean and tailored and think it works for him but this is a hot goddamn mess. He looks like he literally dressed himself in the dark. NOT OKAY, RDJ.

      • marlie

        In the dark, in clothes that he picked up off the floor.

        • sweetestsith

          That his young boy-toy left the night before…

  • lunchcoma

    I almost think Jessica Pare’s problem is that she has bad posture rather than anything specific about her clothes. It’s bad. I don’t know if it’s on par with the silver trashbag or RDJ’s manchild looks or whatever Zosia thought she was doing.

    I’m hoping there’s some J-Law Dior coming up later on.

    • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ foodycatAlicia

      I am confident that the twoface pantsuit will get a guernsey.

  • Roz

    Four boob disasters. There’s a lesson for us all in this post.

    • Lauren Hall

      Oh the titsrepancies!

  • SewingSiren

    What is wrong with these people?

    • @Biting Panda

      How much time do you have?

  • decormaven

    Ha ha! Where’s that RDJ look with the bizarre twist on lederhosen? That was classic- and not in a good way.

    • jay

      at least then he looked like he was having fun!

    • Lisa McKissack

      THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I hated the lederhosen at first!

  • Janet B

    This group gave me the giggles.

  • EverybodysStarling

    Zosia Mamet’s boobs look like those little jumper spiders. Google it, they are hilariously cute when not disguised as boobs.

  • Imasewsure

    Bold choices Dear Uncles although the RDJ and Zosia were sort of a given (although which bad look you were going to choose was still a surprise). Bad bad bad bad bad

  • Anna_Cecilia

    Masterpieces of awful, every last one. Hoping there’s more of Zosia higher up on the list and Emma Roberts still cracks me up. Since it’s seasonal to this time of year, I can’t help but think of Christmas dinner leftovers wrapped in tinfoil when revisiting that look.

  • bouionice

    Thank you, thank you, for calling out Claire Danes and that awful Emmy dress. So many of the commentators and bloggers loved it and I couldn’t understand why. It’s a totally blah color on her and what’s more, the dress neither fits nor flatters her. Her boobs look like they’re trying to escape to opposite sides of the world.

    • Therese Bohn

      I recall seeing the Claire Danes dress on several ‘best dressed’ lists at the Emmys and all I could say was WHY? Thanks uncles for posting it on a correct list!

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        I don’t understand how someone could put a poorly fitted dress on a best dressed list. I’m not opposed to cleavage, but that dress is a disaster of fitting, and then you add the no-color color.

  • CB

    I kind of like the Emma Roberts Lanvin look? **hides**

    • Trickytrisha

      Hide very well. We may find you otherwise. :)

    • siimesand

      I dig the disco trashbag as well. I just must be wired that way.

  • Diego!

    Am I the only one who likes Jessica Paire’s dress?? That turqoise looks stunning on her! I know she has wrinkled tits, but I can forgive them! :P

    • Lori

      I also love the color, but I don’t love the dress. I can’t forgive the weird, wrinkly tits or the mullet hem or the gym hair.

      • Evan

        It’s the hair that ruins it for me.

        • martha

          It’s her posture that ruins it for me!

    • procrastinatrice

      Yeah, I also kinda like the dress, despite the boob issues. It is my only disagreement with the Uncles among the five.

      • marlie

        I don’t like the dress at all, but I don’t necessarily think it would have ranked in my top 15 worst. But the rest of the look – the hair, the shoes, the pose – are bad enough all together that I’m not complaining about this look being on the list.

  • Lorelei_D

    That Zosia costume should have a less obvious viewing window for the wearer.

  • http://thejoyfulfox.blogspot.com/ Laura

    The proportions in that Claire Danes look make me stabby.

  • Inspector_Gidget

    Egad. Claire Danes looks a bit like Mallory Archer in that get up. Mostly the hair, I guess. Is she trying to look 50 plus?

  • Victoria Anzalone

    As wrong as it is on Claire Danes, I still can’t help but adore that gown. I think I’m just a sucker for pretty fabric–it sometimes blinds me from unflattering cut and coloring. :(

  • Super_Red

    The biggest shame here, to my eyes, is Zosia, because I really love that fabric… and it’s been turned into something terrible.

    • formerlyAnon

      I think she’s the worst of the women because it comes soooo close to being a lovely gown – and yet those black boob-goggles ruin it soooo completely.

  • Kate Andrews

    Pair of lips floating in a sea of nothing! *slow clap*

  • KayeBlue

    Claire Danes’ dress proves that if you have breasts, whether they be AA or GG, when they look bad, you’ll look bad. She’s basically topless, yet her poor chest looks squished!

  • somebody blonde

    I don’t agree with the order- Jessica Pare’s is bad, but it’s better than the rest on the page. And well, god RDJ looks awful. Amazingly so.

  • MilaXX

    Still no complaints or disagreements. Claire Danes and those glittery, sad, droppy tits. Who thought that was a good idea?

    • Big Bear

      So many of these outfits seem determined to make boobs look as bad as possible.

    • http://www.GiftedCollector.com/ The Gifted Collector

      That dress reminds me so much of Gwyneth Paltrow’s Oscar dress. You know, the pink one with the straps that got longer and longer as the night wore on so that by the end of the show, her breasts, such as they were, were barely covered..

      • MilaXX

        I know the dress. You need the right amount of boob for these looks. At least a B, maybe C cup. A’s are too little and D’s & above look like porn stars. Also a little support is always a good thing.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/TheOctocornNetwork International Model

    Oh, Emma’s ode to the episode of “Designing Women” where they go to a health spa and fight in a mud room…!

  • alyce1213

    Excellent choices, 4 out of 5. Jessica Pare’s dress has problems, but it’s not monumentally tragic. I like the color and the skirt, it just needed a better bodice.

    Is it wrong that I’d like to see an all “Girls” worst-dressed RC looks? — Zosia, Lena and Allison.

    • marlie

      OMG, I wrote that further up in the thread. That would be awesome, and tragic.

    • Evan

      Are we including Allison’s serial killer dress she wore a few weeks ago? Cause otherwise her style is pretty in a socialite way, but boring.

      • alyce1213

        No doubt she’s the most presentable of the three, but so aging and boring.

        • Evan

          The Silence of the Lambs dress could definitely make the worst list though.

          • alyce1213

            That was truly hideous, so unappealingly fleshy.

          • Evan

            I’m sure we’ll see Lena in the top ten. I’m hoping the uncles didn’t forget about Paz Vega in Stephane Rolland at Cannes. That’s probably in my top two.

          • alyce1213

            Made it to #6! But I agree, should be more nearer the top of the worst.

          • Evan

            Yes! But I forgot about Maggie Gyllenhaal’s and Kim K’s! My top 5 would probably be 1. Maggie 2. Kim K 3. Paz Vega 4. Lena Dunham in Theyskin’s Theory 5. Jennifer Lawrence in Christian Dior at the Dior Couture show (even though that technically wasn’t red carpet). I would have had Zosia’s higher too.

  • ShaoLinKitten

    Jessica Pare’s look is killed by her posture. She embraces the schlumpiness of the outfit and her hair. She looks miserable and the viewer looks miserable looking at her. That dress might actually be OK if she was wearing it with style, but she isn’t. I don’t think it’s the worst of the year, but she’s selling it as such. Totally agree with the rest. These are cringeworthy. I think TLo could easily do an all-Zosia Mamet Top 15 Worst Looks of the Year. She’s a worse offender even than Lena.

  • Tricia

    That original RDJ post made me laugh forever, and it still makes me lol. I love him, but he dresses (usually) like a juvenile idiot.

  • formerlyAnon

    Honestly, RDJ was the standout of these. The ladies, while unfortunate, all had company at this level and my less-discerning eye couldn’t say why I’d choose this one and not that.

    Lucky for me, I don’t have to, you guys do the real work here.

  • Anne

    I think I missed the “sleeping Lone Ranger” comment when you originally posted that dress–I seriously just guffawed.

  • altalinda

    Thanks for the hearty laugh (at Ms. Pare’s expense). That cleared my system.

  • Roz

    Zosia=Chest Mustache

  • butterflysunita

    Emma Roberts needs to apologize to my eyes immediately. I can’t unsee that horror.

  • Qitkat

    Rubs hands in glee, can’t wait to see, the rest of the Worst, pleeze excuse the bad poetry!

  • Shawn EH

    I sorta like the Lanvin look for Emma. Lanvin is often about shapeless bags with a statement belt or something. Maybe I’m just feeling generous because I like AHS: Coven so much. And think Madison is her best performance ever. Have you noticed how many TOP TEN TV Shows lists AHS is in this year?

  • bitchybitchybitchy

    No arguments from this BK, uncles. That Honor dress is mindbogglingly ugly. And as for Lanvin, that they would let that metallic bag leave their shop with their name on it-quelle horreur!

  • KayEmWhy

    Yup, you guys I have no more words.

  • boweryboy

    Robert Downey Jr. is consistently a hot mess on the red carpet, but I’d dip him in chocolate and eat him up like leftover holiday candy any day. I’ve been crushing on him since the ’80s.

  • mickiemonkey

    So many sad, sad breasts…

  • http://www.ueberdesuper.net/ Ueber de Super

    Emma Roberts’ dress reminds me both of the Jellyfish horror dress Detox wore, and the trashbag couture of Alaska Thunderfuck. Both worn on RUPAULS DRAG RACE. But with a better fit. And no pink accessories. And why is she holding the dress up with two fingers? Totally half-assed. If you want to present your wrong fashion choices on some major event, then at least pretend you did the choice with a purpose. She looks as if she knows that this ensemble looks horrid.

  • Sally Spannagle

    Is Zosia slouching that badly or is it just the dress? Ooof…

  • Jacob Bowen

    Boob goggles!!! My favorite phrase!

  • AutumnInNY

    Right on all counts, tho Claire really takes top honors in this group. By now she’s a vet or red carpet events and should know better.

  • judybrowni

    Bat tits!

  • Tracy_Flick

    Emma Roberts and Claire Danes – horrific outfits. How do you leave the house in that?

  • PeaceBang

    I gasped with horror at the Claire Danes Emmy dress and everyone said I was being a horrible troll. Let the healing begin.

  • guest2visits

    I wanted that very pretty fabric to work for Claire. It was actually gorgeously delicate, sparkly and perfectly ethereal on her when she was on stage with all it’s lighting; but the cut of it – the design of it; so low and flappy made it a fail. Why would any woman think that low and saggy was a good look, ?
    Usually a fan of Downey’s footwear, and it was the only thing I liked in this pic. That suit is miserable on him, with or without the bulky treds.

  • demidaemon

    To me, it isn’t whether Zosia or Lena would make this list. It would be which outfit they were wearing. And I can’t really diagree with this one, although I feel she needs at least to or three spots devoted just to her eye-searingly ugly style.

  • andreawey

    Claire, where does the dress start and the skin stop?