You know what? We’re gonna keep this simple and just list the reasons why these disasters have been designated by us to be the very worst the red carpet had to offer this year. This way, you can form a more efficient argument when you tell us we’re nuts or smoking crack or whatever.
Ready? Then we’ll begin. Please remember to stare at a spot on the horizon if you start feeling nauseous.
Kim Kardashian attends the 2013 Met Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City in custom Givenchy by Riccardo Tisci accessorized with Lorraine Schwartz jewelry.
Because Anna Wintour said “Fine, Kanye. She can come. But I’m picking out her dress.”
Because Anna Wintour is the High Empress of Devious Bitchslaps and this ensemble proves it.
Because the dress looks like drugstore gift wrapping.
Miley Cyrus attends the MTV EMA’s 2013 at the Ziggo Dome in Amsterdam, Netherlands in a lace-up custom vintage dress with the faces of rappers The Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac Shakur and the words “Please Stop Violence” on it accessorized with Tom Ford boots.
Because this silly little privileged white girl spent the year grabbing at African-American culture like a kid running up and down the aisles of a candy store and shoving it in her mouth and now thinks she can start appropriating the images of dead black men and send vaguely bland messages about “stopping violence.”
Because this dress is ugly and tacky.
Because she’s kind of an asshole for wearing it.
Florence Welch attends the Opening Ceremony and ‘The Great Gatsby’ Premiere during the 66th Annual Cannes Film Festival in Miu Miu.
Because it’s hideous.
>Maggie Gyllenhaal attends the 2013 Riverkeeper’s Fishermen’s Ball in New York City.
Because we don’t care how casual something called the Fisherman’s Ball is likely to be, YOU DON’T COME DRESSED LIKE A SENILE OCTOGENARIAN WHEN YOU KNOW YOUR PICTURE IS GOING TO BE TAKEN.
1. Kerry Washington in Peter Pilotto
Kerry Washington attends the “Django Unchained” photocall in Rome in a Peter Pilotto dress.
Because Maggie Gyllenhaal’s look was probably uglier, but you have to take into account intent and event, like we always say.
Because girl, your dress is having an emotional crisis at the moment and clearly needs some time alone to pull itself together.
Because let’s face it: it’s the butt-ugliest dress we’ve seen all year.
And there you have it, kittens. Feel free to add your picks or argue with ours. Don’t forget parts one and two of the Worst list, for the full bitchy experience. Happy New Year! And may all your bitchy dreams come true!
[Photo Credit: INFPhoto.com, PPhotos.com, Getty Images]