Miss Universe 2013 National Costumes – Part 2

Posted on November 08, 2013

The crazy train keeps rolling along, bitches. Part 1 is here. Part THREE is coming soon to a screen near you.





Miss Sweden

“Sweden is here to crush its enemies and hear the lamentations of their women! SWEDEN IS NO LONGER FUCKING AROUND. I’ll take out this whole front row if I have to!”




Miss Bolivia

“Bolivia is the world’s leader in rainbow-colored cocaine!”




Miss Panama

“FEATHERS, bitches! Panama has them!”



Miss Trinidad & Tobago

“Pffft. Amateur.”





Miss Switzerland

“Soft, fluffy, and half-naked. That’s the SWISS way!”




Miss Russia

 “Eat my Russian shit, Lady Gaga.”




Miss Venezuela

“Am I a woman or a flamboyant gay man? HAHAHAHAHA. How badly do you want to know?”





Miss Tanzania

 “Talk to the fan, bitches. I am making this shit work.”




Miss Czech Republic

“Come enjoy the millions of theme restaurants we have in the Czech Republic! Try the chipotle hot wings!”





Miss Slovak

“I am the Slovakian Venus, rising from cloth!”




Miss Jamaica

“Dude. It’s Jamaica. You’ll trip balls on our weed.”




Miss Guyana

“I am the advance guard from the legion of Guyanese Firebird Women who are bombarding the major metropolitan areas of the world with fireballs right… around… NOW!”




Miss Finland

 “Yeah, that’s right. FINLAND’S DRUNK. Take a good look, assholes.”





Miss Chile

 “Chile! The yeast infection capitol of the WORLD.”




Miss Slovenia

“Yeah, it’s a cocktail dress. So what?  You tell me the last time Slovenia won an international beauty contest.”




Miss Belgium

“Just look what Belgian girls who lost their luggage can do with a trip to the CVS Halloween aisle! BELGIAN INNOVATION.”



Miss Australia

“Fuck if I know. When do I get my beer?”

Miss Norway

 “Norway is the word’s leading exporter of modesty. Wrists are sinful.”




Miss Canada

 “MOUNT ME! It’s what you’re all thinking, right? Go fuck yourselves. Canada’s sick of your bullshit.”




Miss Singapore

“… and this cluster represents my various hopes and dreams, such as this one, where I’m a superhero. Or this one, where I don’t have to wear ugly shit in public.”



Miss Lithuania

 “Miss Norway’s a ho.”



Miss Botswana

“Meeting Slovenia in the lobby bar for drinks after this. Who’s in?”



Miss Angola

“Ice Warriors of Angola, RIDE! The Guyanese Firebirds are on the attack!”



Miss Bulgaria

 “Norway and Lithuania have burning, itchy putkas.”





[Photo Credit: Darren Decker/Miss Universe]

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  • Sweden needs to learn a few things from Belgium about appropriate warrior woman footwear.

    • Lori

      Belgium seems less “warrior woman” and more “dominatrix Halloween party”.

      • Yes – but still more appropriate than nude platform pumps!

        • Lori

          Damning with faint praise, indeed.

        • Valdri8

          Appropriate seems such a strange word to use with regard to any of these outfits.

      • GorgeousThings

        Yeah, well it’s kind of hard to come up with a costume that depicts “Oh fuck, not ANOTHER German invasion?!”

      • Louise Bryan

        I was thinking Ursula from Disney’s Little Mermaid.

    • MartyBellerMask

      I’m loving Sweden though. She is WORKING IT. 🙂

    • Inspector_Gidget

      I would die to see a Sweden vs. Belgium round of Mortal Kombat.

  • Jeremiah Capacillo

    Is it just me or does Miss Russia look a lot like Miley??

    • jspark

      And Norway is Mila Kunis

      • zmayhem

        Bulgaria? Totally Lisa Kudrow.

    • Inspector_Gidget

      Don’t think I’d recognize Ms. Cyrus with her tongue parked.

  • Stella Zawistowski

    It looks like Trinidad and Tobago is trying to hide the candy.

    • quiltrx

      Yes, my eyes sadly went directly to the spangly codpiece.

      • MoHub

        But I was definitely admiring her Brazilian.

  • OHMYGOD what a way to start my day! It’s hard to pick my favorite, but ”Eat my Russian shit, Lady Gaga.” got the loudest snort out of me.

    • HomeOfficeGirl

      Yes!! I will look at Part 1 and 2 over and over today, I’m sure because seriously – TLO’s run down of the Ms. Universe pageant is like my official start of the whole holiday season!!

      • You’re not alone. The BKs have been scratching at their door for days to get these posts up. They are a TLo treasure!

      • Leah Elzinga

        I actually SQUEED when I saw these posts were up!

        • Jacqueline Wessel

          Me too! I saw a thumbnail of Miss USA on another website earlier in the week and I would not click on it. I’ve been waiting for the TLO posts all week for my first glimpse of this magnificent weirdness.

  • “Ice Warriors of Angola, RIDE! The Guyanese Firebirds are on the attack!” THIS!!!

    • sojourneryouth

      Somebody really needs to make “Ice Warriors of Angola vs. Guyanese Firebird Women” into a Blaxploitation movie and take ALL MY MONEY! I know Pam Grier would look amazing in an icicle singlet.

      • TropiCarla

        I’m sure you could convince Tarantino. smh

        • sojourneryouth

          Ha! I’m sure I could, but it would be worth it to see Pam Grier squeeze into an icicle catsuit and wreak FROSTY VENGEANCE!

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            Remember Mychael Knight getting Pam “Motherfucking” Grier as his fashion icon in Season 3 of PR?
            Pam Grier would singlehandedly melt all of the ice-she is Fierce!

          • sojourneryouth

            I do. That was such a cute moment from Mychael and I would have totally reacted the same way.

      • MoHub

        How about women’s wrestling tag teams! I’d watch them!

      • Jennifer Peters-Ahnberg

        It’s time to Kickstart that. Like now.

      • I’m so there!

  • Sobaika

    My money’s on Angola. The Guyanese bird looks tacky and weak.

    • SassieCassy

      them orange fireballs are pissed and coming for you

      • Sobaika

        Angola’s got my back and maybe I can talk Sweden into lending me her sword?

        We’re all getting mani/pedis after.

  • Charlotte

    Apparently Swedish viking woman likes to wear nude stilettos on their warrior raids.

  • “Burning Itchy Putkas” should have its place of honor among Bitter Kittens and Unborn Fawns.

    • LipstickForPigs

      This made me laugh so hard.

    • schadenfreudelicious

      It deserves a t-shirt

      • Valdri8

        And a topical ointment

      • I can get that done for you, tout de suite.

        • Speaking of, LOVE. Are V-necks a possiblity? Cuz’ if so, it is ON!

          • Yup. I’ve got three or four more in the works. V neck it is!

    • Tigerfly

      Bring on the BIPs, lol.

  • I had to explain the 3 categories of national dress to my husband: actual interpretations of national costume, didn’t get the memo & WTF FEATHERS AND HUMAN SACRIFICE. He was so impressed with yesterday’s examples that he’s also looking forward to today’s posts.

    • The Three Categories you’ve identified are awesome and right on the money.

    • Eric Stott

      I bow before your wisdom

    • Introspective

      Im so here for the feathers/human sacrifice description!! sums up the fuckery going on with brazil in pt 1 and angola, panama and trinidad up here. lurv

    • HomeOfficeGirl

      You nailed it, cat!! WTF Feathers & Human Sacrifice is my favorite!!

      • It is the best category – the competition is nothing without it.

      • tereliz

        I wait all year for the WTF Feathers and Human Sacrifice. It’s like visiting the Holy Land.

    • Dr_Karla

      Perfect encapulation. I think the Australian costume is a cool interpretation of the Great Barrier Reef, which is a national treasure if not a national costume.

      • Exactly. You say “Barrier reef, that’s Australian” whereas with Slovenia you say “seashell cocktail dress? Do they even have a coastline?”

        • Terri Ellis

          Slovenia has a wonderful, small coastline across the Adriatic from Venice. The port town is a fun day trip type place!

          • I did know that actually – I’ve got friends who crew yachts around there in the summer. It’s just not an association I would automatically make.

          • Morgendorffer

            Yeah I think it’s become popular as a place to go to the Adriatic for less expense.

      • MartyBellerMask

        Tasteful and meaningful, yes. But I still so badly want a future Miss Australia to wear a big-ass stingray cape and pay tribute to Steve Irwin.
        Or something. Come on, it wouldn’t be any less tacky or morbid that a lot of these costumes.

      • MoHub

        Maybe she should have dressed as Ayers Rock.

        • tereliz


    • alyce1213

      Brilliant! That breaks it down. I’ve noticed this year a subcategory within “interpretations of national costume” — painting or sewing symbols of what the country is known for on pajamas: Miss Tanzania and Miss Netherlands yesterday.

      • Very true. And the pyjama option is so half-arsed when you could do a tits and blowjobs cape. The one from Miss Netherlands could have had a whole Amsterdam street scene.

        • alyce1213

          Yes, windows of the red light district and herring.

          • MoHub

            And a plume of marijuana smoke rising up through the air.

          • And a bicycle.

      • another_laura

        Don’t forget Brazil’s cape, though – blow jobs & tits?!?!?

        • alyce1213

          I think Miss Brazil’s outfit covered all three of foodycatAlicia’s categories (there might be human sacrifice somewhere in that cape). Brazil was not leaving anything to chance.

          • formerlyAnon

            Human destruction for sure. Those blow jobs were certainly masquerading as blow dart guns, which as ANY movie featuring Generic Indigenous Amazonian Peoples will have taught us, are always used to deliver darts tipped with deadly jungle poisons.

  • Botswana needs the competition to wrap up pretty quickly, because she’s due back in the steno pool in a half hour.

    • MilaXX

      Right? Daytime dress and no makeup.

      • NinaBoo

        And she still looks better than I.

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        It’s as if her costume were designed by little Sustainacorn from the last season of PR-tread lightly on the earth, and all that.

      • She kind of makes me have a sad. It’s like, not even a PRETTY daytime dress. Maybe rickrack is revered in Botswana?

        • formerlyAnon

          That’s okay. I’ve volunteered to take her and Ms. Slovenia to a much better drinking hole, where they can outclass the local talent and be hit on by guys (or gals) several notches above the bottom feeders which are pageant officials.

          • How kind of you. Maybe you can get her a nice statement necklace or belt before you go!

    • Inspector_Gidget

      That or she isn’t really supposed to even be there. Wandered in buzzed from happy hour.

  • MilaXX

    What doe Miss Chile have on her back that’s chained to her foot?

    • TobiannReinhard

      From the looks of things, it’s a drum. Bitch brought her own drumline.

    • Lower L

      I suppose Chile taking its inspiration from Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins is about as legit as Miss USA dressing like a Japanese cartoon character.

      • patticake1601

        If you visit Santiago, in the city center there are street musicians/buskers that wear these drums on their backs. They have drums, cymbals, harmonicas etc anything that makes noise. Its like a one man band. It is a very Chilean thing.

    • Little_Olive

      I’m Chilean. It’s cymbals or drums, as @patticake1601:disqus says, a very Chilean thing.
      The hat, on the other hand, is NOT.
      And I am mortified by the extreme tackiness of it all -although that DOES interpret the current popular aesthetic :/
      And I bet she is still trying to get out of those leggings.

      • another_laura

        You can’t be more mortified about Chile’s costume than many of us Americans are about the U.S.’s bizaare transformer get-up!

  • rage_on_the_page


  • Angela_the_Librarian

    Better than a cup of coffee! Miss Sweden is my fav. so far…nothing can beat a sword! (Well, maybe if someone shows up with a light sabre)

    • Serving She-Ra: Princess of Power Realness!

    • Not just any sword – a crystal sword. Amazing.

      • alyce1213

        I’m guessing it was made for her by Orrefors, very famous Swedish crystal, and they get a plug, sort of.

    • Tatiana Luján

      I want Sweden’s sword.

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        I want to see Miss Sweden teamed up with Thor and Loki in the next installment of the Thor franchise.

        • Sweden and her Sword vs. American Transformerbot. EPIC THROWDOWN.

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            In 3-D or Boobarama, no less

    • MikeW_Vegas

      As long there’s not a gun fight..

    • MoHub

      I wish she’d worn a real metal breastplate—with riveted cups.

  • I. Am. Dying.

    This is the best thing since the sad trailing off of Musical Mondays…

    • stardust462

      I miss Musical Mondays 🙁

  • pattyw

    “Wrists are sinful.”

    Hitting the bar now with Slovenia and Botswana.

  • par3182

    I don’t know whether to feel disappointed at Slovenia’s and Botswana’s lack of effort or applaud their refusal to buy into the ridiculousness of it all.

    • More like they totally had to pay there own way there. Bless their hearts.

    • Eric Stott

      Maybe they fell into the “You can wear it afterwards” trap

      • Introspective

        like i did for many a misguided bridesmaid dress i have purchased…

  • Telperion

    Burning, itchy putkas! I’m hiding in the bathroom at work and laughing. So worth it if someone thinks I’ve cracked.

  • SassieCassy

    botswana looks like she’s got some dirt to spill. I’ll meet her at the bar

  • How is it that every no talent costumer on earth manages to be hired to do this crap? How can they manage to make some of the most arguably lovely women anywhere look so unrelentingly AWFUL?

    • Lori

      I suspect every no talent costumer on earth gets hired for this because no one spends enough money to get a costumer with talent.

      • “We can afford talent or we can afford a fuckton of feathers and/or sequins. Your call princess.”

        • Introspective

          girl this might be what passes for “talent” in costuming around the world. USA included.

        • Having worked with virtually no budget many a time, I can assure you that miracles of fabulous can happen for next to no money at all. The designers for the film Priscilla Queen of the Desert apparently had 10,000 for the whole film. I rest my case.

          • zuzu

            10K? You’re kidding.

          • MikeW_Vegas

            Yeah.. they won the Oscar that year for Costuming

          • Apparently most everything was bought at second shops, and hot glued to a fair the well.

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            The BK’s need to get you a Kickstart campaign to design for next year’s Miss Universe pageant.

            Priscilla Queen of the Desert’s costumes continue to be among my favorite cinematic pleasures.

      • I would volunteer my services in order to avoid the embarrassment of our sending a Transformer out on stage next time. Sheesh. Or perhaps i could travel the world, making sure that beauty queens everywhere don’t want to weep with sadness. It could be a life mission to be proud of.

        • You do that, Kiltd. I will contribute to the Kickstarter campaign to fund your work. Now, there’s a thought……OMG……we should have a Kickstarter to get Miss USA a better costume next year! Who wants to write the proposal? BKs, let’s get on it!

          • I am SO in!

          • Y’all are so much nicer that I am. I don’t want things to IMPROVE, I want them to get fantasticly more cracked out and deranged! Muwaahahahahaaaa!

          • Lori

            The solution to this is clearly shameless nationalism. A Kickstarter to fund having Kiltd improve Miss USA’s costume + wishes and/or offering to the trickster deity of your choice that everyone else’s costumes just get weirder and weirder and employ ever more feathers.

          • 3boysful

            So long as Kiltd is our designer, I am in!

        • Sobaika

          Why is everyone hating on the Transformer?? It was hilarious.

          Next year I hope to see both a Ninja Turtle and Power Ranger.

          • terpsichory

            But that would totally be more cultural appropriation! (I’m sure Japan is pissed they have to scrap their half-finished, 20-foot and fully functional when finished Gundam they’ve been working on for the last three years, now) [I don’t really think that]

            No, I say Miss USA takes a note from Detox’ book, shocks EVERYONE by appearing in monochrome amid a sea of crazy colour. She can even do a classic noir style and cite Frank Miller as inspiration.

          • MoHub

            All of which we stole from Japan.

          • Sobaika

            It’s so fitting and perfectly in keeping with American tradition!!

            Also maybe next year’s contestant should have a banner that says, “MADE IN CHINA.”

        • MartyBellerMask

          You and Chris March should start a company. God, how badly do I want to see a Chris March Miss Universe costume!!

        • NinaBoo

          I saw Transformer but maybe it’s the US’s attempt to make drones look awesome.

      • I thought some people put huge money into pagaent preparation? Or is that just for getting boob jobs and veneers on the teeth?

        • Lori

          I don’t think this is the pageant that people spend huge money on. I also think that huge pageant money does tend to go to boobs, teeth, hair spray and evening gowns.

        • alyce1213

          Depends on the country, I think.

        • Jane Patterson

          I’m not sure they are actually scored on this part of the pageant….

    • Frank_821

      too true. Not everyone can get a Guo Pei to do their costume

  • Tanya Wade

    I would love me some Miss Slovenia and Miss Botswana fan fic. These two seem to have a secret life….

  • Mars Tokyo

    Miss Botswana looks like a first year Home-Ec project.

    • Imasewsure

      Yes like a re-purposed Dorothy Gale. So strange

  • Carleenml

    I can never pick a fave but the Belgian CVS Halloween aisle is close. WTF – Devil spear and feathers/devil spear and feathers…oh I know what that reminds me of – Belgium!!!

    • Heather

      I know, right? Like, “Belgium: where we worship Satan by donning feather headdresses!”

      • 3boysful

        Mystifying–“Damn! CVS is flat outta lace and chocolate. Let’s go with pitchfork and feathers . . . .”

    • 3boysful

      I am STILL sitting here giggling and trying to figure out the logic–ok, I know there is none–behind this get-up.

    • NDC_IPCentral

      Belgian beer – duvel – close to “devil?” Otherwise, quite the leap for a “national costume!”

    • Inspector_Gidget

      They are the number 1 producer worldwide of Halloween Superstores!

  • MrsAtaxxia

    This is my favorite series of posts of the year. Seriously. I look forward to this way more than awards season. It’s bitchy candy for my cold black heart. I love you both so much.

    • terpsichory

      I agree with you on all accounts, but I also kind of wanted to see our avatars close together. These classy ladies should meet for a very judgemental lunch and cucumber sandwiches. (Without crust!)

      • MrsAtaxxia

        They should indeed! Also tea (don’t worry, I have a flask hidden in my hat).

        • terpsichory

          Ingenious! Nowadays nobody appreciates the usefulness of a decent piece of millinery anymore… (mine hosts lethal hatpins, of course)

  • Introspective

    “Fuck if I know. When do I get my beer?” encapsulates my whole week.

    Knew I wasnt the only one getting she-ra vibes from miss sweden.

    for miss venezuela Im definitely going with flamboyant gay man.

    (by the way I relish in these posts every year! clearly TLo is not just offering witty fashion commentary. they are bringing us all together as one big snarky BK family. love you guys!!)

    • If I can change “beer” to “wine” in that caption, it will sum up my week, too. Let me add my name to the list of those for whom the Miss Universe costumes post is manna from TLo heaven every year. Really, they are just wonderful in every way. I bow before your bitchy captioning talent, and thank you both!

  • MrsAtaxxia

    There is a deep, dark part of my soul that wants to see the carnage of the dressing room at this event. I imagine that is is not unlike the Zombie trailer on the Walking Dead set, just with more glitter eyeshadow.

  • Cortney Dean

    I fucking die for these posts. Seriously. Best thing ever. Greatest posts of the year!!! Thanks TLo!

  • conniemd

    Looking at some of these feathered outflung arms, my first thought was “_____, PCP capital. I believe I can fly”

    • Introspective

      I totally see that caption working for miss bolivia, who achieves the “flying on pcp” look without nary a feather. All it takes is a pile of sequins and some stilettos. doesnt help that she conjures up rainbow colored coke balls (I DIED when i read that one)

      am i crazy that i secretly love that costume though??

  • Heather

    What strikes me as genuinely sad is how cheap most of these look. Seriously, like they were put together in 10 minutes with a glue gun after drunk-shopping at Joann Fabrics. Some of these women are genuinely fierce — I like to think they deserve better?

    That said, the Mountie costume is cute. New idea for next year’s Halloween.

    • 3boysful

      Slutty Mountie

      • Heather

        Of course! 🙂 I would wear little booty shorts.

    • ashtangajunkie

      I like our Mountie costume too.

  • quiltrx

    Like I said yesterday…these posts are the Bitter Kittens’ Christmas every year. Thank you uncles!

  • carnush

    Russia and Norway are stunning.

  • HVM

    Norway and Lithuania have burning, itchy putkas.

    Can’t. Stop. Giggling.

  • Kathy

    Note to self: Never eat while reading these posts. You may need the Heimlich maneuver.

    Seriously, I never laughed so hard. Thanks, Uncles!

  • Tatiana Luján

    Russia FTW!

  • Alyssa

    I really like Russia’s costume…and Trinidad & Tobago wins the Part 2 Feathers Division, hands down.

  • Daralene Irwin

    Miss Russia looks like Queen Amidala.

  • NYCGlamourpuss

    “BELGIAN INNOVATION” just *killed* me!

    Damn, Botswana didn’t even try!

    I love you Uncles, thank you thank you thank you! I can’t wait for part 3!

    • I need part 3 to come later in the day!
      Mostly because If I have too hilarious of a morning, the rest of my day will sadly drag. And a little becuase I HAVE to get SOME work done.

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        I’m with you- I would love to see Part 3 up before I head out for a weekend trip to Nebraska when I won’t have much, if any screen time to enjoy these festiivities.

      • formerlyAnon

        Pffft. Work.

  • Frank_821

    Russia’s was really beautiful. A good native costume

  • filmcricket

    For some reason the “Yeah, that’s right, Finland’s DRUNK” was the caption that got me the most. I hadn’t noticed the lopsided crown until then. You Uncles are beautiful.

    As a Canadian, I am depressed beyond belief that all we could come up with was “Sexy Mountie.” I guess that’s better than the horrors that could have ensued had they been inspired by our national animal, which is – wait for it – the beaver.

    • MikeW_Vegas

      strangely enough the Canadian national animal came up at our Pub Quiz just this past week! for some reason We were thinking either Moose or Canadian Goose.. NOBODY thought of Beaver.

      • filmcricket

        Very important to the economy of the early fur trappers and the foundation of the Hudson Bay Company, dontcha know! Yes, Moose or Goose would make more sense. Hard to believe the Canada Goose was once an endangered species, you can’t escape them anywhere now.

        • another_laura

          Is that for realsies? Endangered species? Yeah, they’re getting to be like “rats with wings” status in some parts of the continent….

          • They’ve also invaded the UK – we’ve got loads of them!

        • tereliz

          Damned nickels… 😉

    • Vaniljekjeks

      Of course Finland is drunk ^_^
      As a Norwegian I am disappointed in the use of traditional bunad AGAIN. They should have gone with Miss Norwegian Black Metal. She’d have won. Raven feathers, so she’d fit in.

    • kimmeister

      It’s also the state animal of Oregon.

  • “Miss Norway’s a ho.” LOST IT

  • 3boysful

    Miss Czech Republic, having just entered the stage with a spectacular baton toss, is now mortified to realize there is no talent component to Miss Universe.

  • Jitka Pavlíková

    Oh, our annual journey to Tackyland. BTW the Czech girl claimed she had made her costume herself along with her mom and sister – it definitely shows.

  • ovarB

    I’m suddenly inspired to watch “Drop Dead Gorgeous” stat!!

  • BuffaloBarbara

    Belgian innovation is so impressive! But I’m not messing with Sweden.

    Oh, and I need fanfic right now of the war between the Angolan Ice People and the Guyanese firebirds.

  • schadenfreudelicious

    Miss Czech Republic just needs some blades on those boots and she is ready for her short program…

    • Sabin

      Very Sasha Cohen

  • aileenfairycat

    Holy Crap Miss Czech Republic totally ripped off Sandra Bullocks dress from Miss Congeniality, worse Sandra wore it better.

  • PastryGoddess

    The word putkas made me do a happy dance

  • Judy_J

    Is it just me, or are those bulls-eyes on Miss Bolivia’s tits? And Miss Botswana, what a sweet little dress. She looks like she’s on her way to Sunday School.

    • I saw them too, hidden under the fringe, and posted about the bulls eyes on FB.

  • NDC_IPCentral

    What a wonderful way to start the day. Belly laughs!

    Thanks SO much, Tom and Lorenzo; your comic gifts are shining here.

  • tallgirl1204

    Russia’s is really, really pretty. I know that’s not the point…

    • alyce1213

      It’s gorgeous. No shortage of costume design talent there.

    • Sabin

      Like Japan (?) last year. (Sorry, fibromyalgia brain – the gorgeous blue and cream gown)

    • formerlyAnon

      I want it, sans beads, with a few alterations, for my Holiday Dress. I’ll f**king rule. [Though at certain parties I may be such an outlier that no one will talk to me.]

  • cocohall

    Who’s having a sad for Miss Lithuania and Miss Botswana? Are all the gay men in hiding in their countries, afraid to brandish their glue guns and fabulousness in honor of their country? (Ugh, this is meant as a joke, but it could be true given the situation in Russia).

    • Valdri8

      She needs to be helped by some gay mice and some birds, like Cinderella.

    • formerlyAnon

      It’s o.k. I’m taking them to a much better joint for drinks. One where they won’t get hit on by pageant officials.

  • MoHub

    Crazy, but I find it refreshing to see the ladies who are actually wearing something resembling a national folk costume. Love Russia, Norway, Lithuania, and Bulgaria. But Canada has got to ditch the sexy female Mountie look. They’ve been doing it for decades, and it never works.

    • Sabin

      Highlighting the bolted on foobs is neither crazy enough to be camp, nor classy enough to be attractive.

  • GorgeousThings

    “Fuck if I know. When do I get my beer?”

    OMG, that one had me howling!

    • formerlyAnon

      Right. Captured the national character better than most of the costumes, yes?

  • Nicholas

    Even Rob Ford is looking at that, going “Shit’s fucked up, man.”

  • tereliz

    I don’t know where Miss Tanzania is going or what she’s doing, but damned if I don’t want to go with her. From her makeup I’d guess there’s a rave at Rainbow Brite’s house.

    • kimmeister

      I actually stopped to look at her lips, they were so arresting!

  • Danielle


  • ashtangajunkie

    Can not pick a favourite, but “BELGIAN INNOVATION” pushed me over the edge. And I may say “Canada’s sick of your bullshit” in a meeting today should the opportunity present itself.

  • save_the_hobbit

    Miss Slovenia literally made me laugh out loud. Poor, poor Miss Slovenia. She didn’t get the memo that you’re not supposed to leave Miss Universe with your dignity intact.

    I’m into Miss Canada’s.

    • Nancer

      I would totally meet Miss Solvenia and Miss Botswana for cocktails, where we would mercilessly make fun of all the other contestants!

      • formerlyAnon

        I’m driving. Meet us at the lobby entrance in 15.

  • Andsheewas

    I’ve been waiting for these all week. Thank you.

  • Ruth Sawyer

    Oh! Lithuania’s wearing a tablet-woven belt! I could make that! Uh. It wouldn’t look as good but I could do it.

  • CurbGirl

    Trinidad and Tobago—a feathered version of a US election map!

    • MoHub

      I wonder what Anya wore in her pageant days.

    • NinjaCate

      It’s (supposed to be) a hummingbird actually. Our national bird.

  • txngyrrl

    My most favorite time of the year. When TLo provides the Miss Universe commentary. Almost better than Christmas.

  • algaechick

    I was just in Venezuela recently. Obviously I missed the fabulous part of the country where sequins and ruffles run like water.
    Seriously, they’re very into the beauty pageant industry there-little girls start early (more than the US). And that outfit is the best they come up with? They need to stop holding back and just go full-on gaudy.

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      Thursday’s New York Times did an article about the mannequin industry in Venezuela, and mentioned the intense interest in beauty pageants.

  • OrigamiRose

    I totally thought Miss Tanzania was holding a giant lollipop, not a fan.

    • Nancer

      Me too!

  • Lower L

    I think Miss Finland’s dress is supposed to depict the Northern Lights. Not sure what the skewed tiara depicts.

  • terpsichory

    I think Switzerland is kinda gorgeous. She looks like one of those decorative ladies in the opening credits of an early 50s MGM production, who has to stand next to blank piece of backdrop where later cast and crew names are displayed. They had to smile for the entire lenghth of the credits and sometimes also used a staff-thingy to hold on to.

  • Nancer

    These are cracktastic!

  • Anna Vasquez

    TLo, God Bless you for the Conan reference.

  • ampg

    1. Love the hypno-boobs on Miss Bolivia.
    2. Miss Trinidad and Tobago keeps the hot side hot, the cold side cold.
    3. Ms. Slovenia knows damn well that most people (well, most Americans at least) can’t tell the difference between Slovenia and Slovakia, so she’s counting on getting some of the points from Slovakia’s costume.

  • marlie

    Miss Belgium wins the CRAY CRAY award this round. And Miss Russia’s costume is absolutely gorgeous.

  • Shawn EH

    I’ve got to see that Ice Warrior/Firebird battle, somehow. Maybe I already did, in Blades of Glory?

  • MoHub

    So, considering Belgium’s idea of a national costume, does this mean that Brussels is the capital of Hell?

  • deech

    Superb captions! This one almost made me lose my coffee: “Just look what Belgian girls who lost their luggage can do with a trip to the CVS Halloween aisle! BELGIAN INNOVATION.”

  • Tracy_Flick

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man. That was awesome.

    Miss Czech Republic looks like she got her outfit at the Halloween superstore, discounted because it mistakenly contained parts from the Wonder Woman and Liederhosen costumes.

    Miss Sweden and Miss Canada look like some kind of sexy role play.

  • ConnieBV

    Every year I wait for Peru, every year the anticipation is almost enough to give me a stroke. Oh Jamaica, tripping balls is always comedy gold.

  • mcr7833

    Is it just me, or does Miss Czech Republic look like Iris Myandowski in that costume? You know, Iris Myandowski. C.C. Bloom’s arch nemesis in “Beaches.” 🙂

  • annamow

    God, I’m crying with laughter!

  • Belvane

    I can definitely see Johnny Weir in Miss Venezuela’s outfit.

  • Rhonda Shore

    brilliant. can’t tell you how much i’m enjoying them.

  • MK03

    Bob Mackie has released at least three Barbies that were wearing Singapore’s dress.

  • MoHub

    And this is why RuPaul needs to judge this pageant.

  • Louise Bryan

    Hope there’s a third post on this topic. There are lots more over the top get-ups to pick on.

  • JDreesen

    goddammit. WRISTS ARE SINFUL?!?! now i have to get another tattoo.

    but this one’s going on my ass.

  • Eclectic Mayhem

    Crying with laughter here boys – thank you!

  • StillGary

    Thank You!!!!!!

  • tetisheri

    Russia, home of the next Queen of Naboo.


    Tom and Lorenzo, you’re writing skills are at their zenith here.

  • Apostol Tolev

    I’m from Bulgaria and the “putkas” send me laughing sooooooo hard!!! Love yeou guys! Can’t wait for part 3

  • formerlyAnon

    “Ice Warriors of Angola, RIDE!”

    Jesus wept, y’all. I am un-f**cking DONE, here.

    Waaaaay too much funny with which to cope.

    P.s. Hey! Ms. Botswana! Are you and Slovenia sober enough to walk? I know a waaay better place. Better drinks, prettier bar and if you pull, it won’t be some pageant official asshole who thinks they’re too important to have to take you to dinner. I’ll bring my car around.

  • formerlyAnon

    Also: I WANT Miss Russia’s coat dress. Get rid of all that beaded stuff, a few alterations, and I am RULING the holiday parties. (And won’t I stand out against all of those red & green cocktail dresses.)

  • MoHub

    Can’t wait for Prt 3!

  • kittentoes

    I would totally wear Lithuania’s. To Target even. I’m fancy.

  • Jennifer L.

    The Canadian contestant’s revised version of the national anthem – “Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes! Canada!”

  • Kate4queen

    Thank you, just thank you 🙂

  • melanie0866

    You all make me laugh so hard with this every year. Thank you for your service.

  • sockandaphone

    collapsing with laughter on the floor. Thank you Tlo for starting my weekend right.

  • e jerry powell

    Looks as though Miss Belgium is ready to head south and reclaim the Congo.

  • little_miss_strange

    Sweden is a BADASS BITCH. Miss Russia is fabulous. I kinda like Finland, the whole aurora thing, it’s a nice idea for a costume.

    “Come to Belgium, where we don’t know what the fuck we are!”

    Love Miss Canada’s caption. And Miss Venezuela. My money’s on flamboyant gay.

  • rondele

    Miss Venezuela: “How badly do you want to know?” Hahahahahahaha. Could not stop laughing….still can’t! Thanks!

  • Call me Bee

    Ahhahaha Miss Finland is drunk….! If you only knew how true that statement is….

  • Sobaika

    I’ve been informed by a Venezuelan friend of the following:

    “She is representing a famous character of a book named “Doña Barbara” a strong, beautiful and powerful woman. Also the colors are from the national flower called “Orquidea” there are so many colors of Orquideas but the main colors are white, purple, yellow and pink combined in one flower! It’s really beautiful, a delicate and beautiful flower!”

    Having googled the character, that is actually a spangled multi-colored version of what she wears.

    • formerlyAnon

      I feel strangely enriched to know this. (And I will Google.) It’s always fascinating how all of the shorthand references we use to communicate fall apart when the common base of shared knowledge isn’t there!

    • snarkykitten

      Loving her costume even more now

  • Jacob Bowen

    OH MT GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want Ms. Jamaica’s costume SO BADLY!!!!!!! That is my drag DREAM!!! It’s like Poison Ivy from Batman went on Acid and found a FABULOUS cape and used the muppets for leg warmers! I seriously NEED this or need someone to replicate it for me!

  • sadiesays

    omg HAhahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Yes.

  • I can’t wait for Miss Mexico.

    Can’t. WAIT. :3 :3 :3

  • P B

    So “Incognito” is a name of Russian derivation then. Huh

  • BookishBren

    The Miss Canada post literally made me snort. Favorite in this section.

  • snarkykitten

    Miss Sweden is making my hand hurt (not that I’d tell her, she looks scary!) but Miss Venezuela is…very…distracting…

  • demidaemon

    Venezuela = WIN!

  • Anna G

    My child just told me to stop crying! Outdid yourself this year. But the ladies, hello there USA, brought on their best game of crazy.

  • HM3

    Erm….could someone please explain the weird caption for Ms. Chile? I’m just not seeing it.

    • Gatto Nero

      The entire lower part of her body is encased in skintight, nonbreathable latex (or leather or something) pants.

      • HM3

        Gotcha. And now I see those are also chilies. Makes sense.

  • VivianAdvanced

    Well, at least Botswana and Slovenia can get more than one use out of their – um – costumes? Botswana can even go to work at the office in hers. This brought back memories of watching this pageant as a little girl, but instead of dreaming that one day I’d be crowned Miss Universe, I’d make fun of it with my best friend, like a mini T&L. I’ve got to start watching again.

  • guest2visits

    I don’t know who could better explain this colorful insanity!
    I think I’m leaning in favor of Sweden for use of strategic bunting and light weaponry.

  • Sandra Taylor

    Wow… the Singapore’s caption is really spot on.

  • Kirsten Houseknecht

    slovenia is wearing the same dress THIS year….