Miss Universe 2013 National Costumes – Part 1

Posted on November 07, 2013

Time once again for a grand T Lo tradition of bitchery and stereotyping, as we check in on the greatest (or at least the largest) international drag revue the world has ever seen, darlings! It’s the Miss Universe National Costumes Parade!

Hit it, strippers!

 

 

 

 

Miss Great Britain

 ”Come to Great Britain and explore our rich history of prostitution!”

 

 

 

Miss Azerbaijan

“Come to Azerbaijan, where our women have dignity and are not whores.”

 

 

 

Miss Turkey

“Come visit Turkey, the world’s leading supplier of nylon prom gowns!

 

 

 

Miss Argentina

 ”BAM. Here it is, motherfuckers. Argentina out.”

 

 

 

Miss Thailand

‘Thailand! We’re not afraid of color! Or setting our hair on fire!”

 

 

 

Miss Honduras

 ”Honduran women have amazingly strong abs and back mu-OW! SWEET VIRGIN MOTHER OF GOD THE PAIN.”

 

 

 

Miss USA

“AMERICA! Due to the decimation of our manufacturing base and the destruction of our middle class, we don’t make cars anymore! We make movies about cars that turn into robots. BOOYAH, MOTHERFUCKERS! Forefathers! Constitution! FUCKING FREEDOM, AMIRITE?”

 

 

 

Miss Costa Rica

“Come to Costa Rica and be pleasured by our tacky fish-goddesses with bad color-pairing skills!”

 

 

 

Miss Paraguay

 ”Not even gonna front. Looking for a sugar daddy tonight.”

 

 

 

Miss France

 ”Ooh-la-la! Come to the land of modest bathing suits and ass nets! LA FRANCE!”

 

 

 

Miss Brazil

 ”They told me I had to keep my top on, so check out my “Blow jobs & Tits” cape instead! Brazil! THE SEXY PEOPLE.”

 

 

 

Miss Gabon

“Come to Gabon, where — Is that a cigarette? ARE YOU INSANE? GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME, ASSHOLE!”

 

 

 

Miss Lebanon

 ”Come to Lebanon. We’re classy bitches over here.”

 

 

 

Miss Bahamas

“The Bahamas export more showgirls per square mile than any other country in the world! We hatch from eggs!”

 

 

 

Miss Italy

 ”Italy. Our serial killers are chic and wear couture.”

 

 

 

Miss Croatia

“Croatia is ready to do some ASS-KICKING tonight! Watch my tassles, bitches!”

 

 

 

Miss Puerto Rico

“Come, let us cast our dark Puerto Rican magic on you. MwaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”

 

 

 

Miss Nicaragua

“Nicaraguans! Balance! Thigh muscles! At least three extra heads! Great at peacock-plucking!”

 

 

 

 

Miss Ukraine

“Come to Ukraine. Our mothers don’t let their daughters leave the house looking like common Belarus streetwalkers. Hips are for wedding nights.”

 

 

 

Miss Guatemala

“Come visit Guatemala! Especially if you have perhaps a degree in Costume Design! And no ADHD? And you shun the use of any stimulants?

Please. We’re begging you.”

 

 

 

Miss Hungary

“In Hungary, the women all look like slutty hotel maids!”

 

 

 

Miss Netherlands

 ”KABLAM! Dutch bitches be CRAZY!”

 

 

 

Miss Israel

“I’m not saying I’m marrying a wealthy man tonight. I’m just saying I’m ready for it, should the occasion present itself.

Oh. Um…. ISRAEL!”

 

 

 

Miss Indonesia

 ”Come to Indonesia, where our beauty queens have finally decided they WILL NO LONGER BE IGNORED.”

 

 

Miss Japan

“Am I an acid-tripping geisha shaped like a fan? Or a kind of ugly fan shaped like a geisha? Come ponder mysteries like this in JAPAN. Our women love back pain.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Photo Credit: Darren Decker/Miss Universe]

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  • Paigealicious

    Miss USA is a Transformer??

    • Inspector_Gidget

      Good lord, USA is hands down bringing the most HIDDY to that stage! Ugh.

      • http://skreened.com/bkcentral Sarah

        IDK, it’s bad, but Guatemala is giving her a run for her money. ADHD is RIGHT.

        • EveEve

          Miss Guatemala: “In your face Coco – I am not taking a single accessory off…not the first, not the last…in fact, I see a spot that needs maybe one more little bauble right over here…”

      • Tatiana Luján

        I loved it, it was hillarious.

        • favorthebold

          Miss USA had the BEST costume I’ve ever seen for one of these. I hope to god the rest of the countries follow suit next year and we see some truly crazy shit. Not even lying, I LOVE the idea of going full throttle with the costumes instead of trying to to pretend that this is supposed to be serious.
          Japan, if your next contestant isn’t wearing a Gojira and/or Sushi costume, I will be sad.

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            Let’s see-Gamera, Rodan, the Kaiju from “Pacific Rim”-we could have some serious fun with those!

          • Rand Ortega

            Mothra! With the tiny singing twins riding on his back!

          • angryparsnip

            OMG Yes ! with sparkles !

            cheers, parsnip

          • NYCGlamourpuss

            I want this so badly…

          • bitchybitchybitchy

            Mo-ti-rha! Mo-ti-rha-a! Oh, I would so love to see that costume!

          • MK03

            Sailor Moon or nothing. Because we ALL want to see a drag Sailor Moon.

        • fursa_saida

          I still can’t believe it. I’m so happy. I’m hoping next time they do Super Troopers.

      • Snailstsichr

        Yes, but at least she isn’t plain pathetic like France. I felt sorry for that girl.

        • 3boysful

          Seriously–French fashion design, and that’s what they come up with?

          • ampg

            It was the clothes version of “France never wins this one anyway, so fuck all y’all.”

          • Rand Ortega

            I was thinking the same thing. She’s got a cigarette waiting for her offstage where she will puff on it sullenly muttering. “What do I give a shit about some stupid pageant!”

          • 3boysful

            I love you for typing “all ya’ll.” (My fav noun.)

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QFW22QV426LUOEPGASPZJWJMDE MishaFoomin

            The saddest Eiffel Tower ever.

          • GorgeousThings

            Looks like it’s melting. I’d rename it the Muffle Tower.

        • sojourneryouth

          Seriously. That is sure one half-assed bathing suit. Think I might have seen it at Marshall’s.

        • titaness25

          Until Denmark came across the stage, you mean?

        • MK03

          First impression: Slutty Tin Man.

        • Little_Olive

          Le lackluster, you mean? It’s like she remembered to ask her mom to put it together for her middle school pageant the night before.

          In any case, if I remember correctly, last years’ was also quite bland… I think the commentariat’s take on this (very serious) matter was that they made a point about being the center of creative clothes that are wearable, beautiful and a source of business -as opposed to *this*.

        • GorgeousThings

          Yeah – you know? Couture? Lagerfeld? LVMH? Bitchy French Fashion Queens? What, were they all on vacation when the call for a national costume came in?

          • http://howtofaint.tumblr.com/ How to Faint

            She must have burnt some bridges on her way to Miss Universe. Fuck it, she must have burnt all the bridges.

        • littlemac8

          And is that a tilted Tour Eiffel on her head?

      • Introspective

        i wanna know if she did the robot walk across the stage, or tried to prance like that fuckery was couture.

        please someone for the love of god tell the miss usa gays that they need not consult michael bay for input on wardrobe.

      • LuisaNL

        girlfriend knows it, too.

      • Darren Nesbitt

        I think it was the most creative idea on stage. If I had to pic all of them from a lineup I would know who USA was.

    • Random Compliments

      I think we posted in unison. Whyyyyyyyy a Transformer???

      • http://skreened.com/bkcentral Sarah

        At least its not a cowgirl? I really hate it when USA = cowpeople.

        • overandout

          But we are cowpeople….top beef producing country in the world. :P

          • overandout

            Whoops, looks like India has surpassed us….am I the only one who finds India being the largest beef producer crazy? Lets hope Miss India gets a cowgirl outfit.

          • http://skreened.com/bkcentral Sarah

            Hindus don’t eat cows, so it doesn’t seem odd that they would produce a lot of cows for other nations. As far as the United States being represented as cowboys and cowgirls in other nations, I just think it’s a very narrow view of our cultural demographics, which is particularly inapt in the 21st century. The vast majority of our population has never seen or touched a cow, knowhatI’msayin?

          • leilah

            Not only do they not eat cows, they revere cows, so I have to presume that it’s only old-ass beef that they’re selling. Once a cow/bull keels over …

          • overandout

            Ehhh….I live in the urban Bay Area, 15 minutes from Oakland, 20 from San Francisco….in the middle of a cow pasture. We have a Western Wear store the next town over, there is a huge rodeo at the Cow Palace every year and smaller ones out here in ‘cow town.’ Cows graze in our regional parks. You can see cows and horses grazing alongside every major freeway out here, including the busy SF to Silicon Valley corridor. People ride horses down the street and we have a local bar called the ‘Rancho.’ I don’t know where you live, but out West, it’s still decently rural. I’ve always considered myself a city girl, since I get up and take the train downtown every morning, but it cracked me up when I went to the East Coast and people got sooo worked up about seeing deer and turkeys. For my visitors from other countries, one of the very first things they remark upon getting to America is the vast open space and rural/agricultural nature of the country. At first I found this rather insulting, like they were saying LA, SF and Denver weren’t ‘real’ cities, but as I’ve traveled more, I’ve found that America is EXCEEDINGLY rural and pastoral compared to other developed countries.

          • http://skreened.com/bkcentral Sarah

            Point taken. I’m from Virginia, and cows abound in my state, but the people who take care of them don’t call themselves “cowboys.” They’re dairy farmers. I lived in Japan when I was young and them thinking we were all cattle ranchers rankled, just as I’m sure it would bother them to come here and have us all think they are samurai. But I see what you mean about why the stereotype is often upheld.

          • marlie

            Funny, I live in Center City Philadelphia, and when I drive to my parents’ house across the city (no more than 20 minutes), I have to drive through Fairmount Park, and I see deer almost every time. Sometimes foxes and other woodland critters. People are STILL baffled by it, and are convinced that “there are no deer in the city.”

          • CeeRich

            I live in Wynnefield and drive through Fairmount Park to get home. There are deer everywhere. I also see lots of foxes out running early on Kelly Drive. Co-sign!

            The transformer costume was absolute batshyt crazy. LOL

          • Sunraya

            Maybe next year Miss USA will have on a bow and arrow and deer antlers. :)

          • Adriana_Paula

            Well said! I live in Idaho now (almost all rural/wilderness) but even when I lived in central New Jersey (the Garden State, after all) I knew lots of local farmers, hunters etc. And there was a huge ag program at my university there. I can see how America (once you leave NYC) might feel pretty cowboy-ish to someone from a place that’s been comprised largely of cities since the Middle Ages or before.

          • AnnPopovic

            Hey neighbor! North Bay here and I live a scant block and a half away from a herd of cows and a couple of ancient mules, and there’s a llama up the street.
            Oh, and a casino now, 5 minutes away. It’s an odd juxtaposition.
            Some of my friends are rancher families that can trace their histories back to when the ranches out here started.
            (But I still prefer the Transformer costume; if you’re gonna go all-out, well…ye’ may as well go for it.)

        • Little_Olive

          I’ll take it over USA= Statue of Liberty any day.

          • http://skreened.com/bkcentral Sarah

            Good point.

      • fursa_saida

        I love it. If anything, it reads to me as self-aware.

    • Louise Bryan

      Not sure. I could swear that’s a hand grenade on her left hip.

      • Imasewsure

        Now that’s America!! AK47s are so bulky

    • Tatiana Luján

      She is Buzz Lightyear.

      • 3boysful

        She’s wearing stilts!!

        • Tatiana Luján

          indeed.

      • formerlyAnon

        I say she’s the Ziggy Stardust Transformer.

        It’s a costume AND a talent. (And, possibly, half a platoon soon to be deployed for some ‘peace keeping.’)

      • NYCGlamourpuss

        YES! Awesome!

    • NormDeplume720

      She is motherfucking Optimus Prime.

      Autobots, roll out.

    • Patricia Groves Dobrowski

      I know!! I just….can’t.

    • Ruth Sawyer

      *sobs*

    • muzan-e

      Optimus Subprime.

    • Lower L

      With a Brita pitcher for a foot, apparently.

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      Bow before her and despair.

    • Pterodactyl111

      Good God, it looks like it’s made of duct tape and cardboard.

    • GorgeousThings

      Christ – her costume was designed by a committee out of Digipen University.

    • Mona_Visa

      Well, it was the costume those first-graders made, so she had to wear it.

  • http://skreened.com/bkcentral Sarah

    YAAAAAAAY!!!!!

  • Random Compliments

    YAY my favorite post!!

    WTF is Miss USA wearing??? Is that truly a Transformer?

  • EverybodysStarling

    This is the post I’m waiting for all year.

    • Sobaika

      IT’S MOTHERFUCKING CHRISTMAS COME EARLY IN BITTER KITTEN-VILLE

      I think I held it together until Miss Argentina. Then all hell broke loose.

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        Miss Argentina’s costume looks like one of the dolls with crocheted skirts that were sold at local “craft” shows in my area -their purpose was to disguide rolls of toilet paper in the bathroom.

      • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

        I’m thinking there’s not a single bird anywhere in Central or South America that still has its plumage.

      • littlemac8

        How did you get past Miss Honduras with her jeweled chastity belt? I lost it at Miss USA and then kept going!

  • Missy

    YAY!!! I saw this pop up on my newsfeed and I was like, “YESSSSSS, this is TLo GOLD.” I *so* look forward to these rundowns.

  • Random Compliments

    OMG BRAZIL BLOW JOBS CAN’T UNSEE

    • Shannon Beamer

      It is REALLY bad.

      • bxbourgie

        I read that like “whut?” Then I looked at the cape. Wow. I’m sure that wasn’t intentional, but damn!

        • formerlyAnon

          It may not have been designed to be intentional, but the fact that it stayed there and went on stage – SOMEbody knew damn well and smirked quietly as they kept their mouth shut.

          (Or, possibly, rolled helplessly with tears of laughter rolling down their faces with their 2 BFFs as “that bitch” walked out on stage.)

    • Introspective

      that shit is so cray. its like subliminal advertising for sex tourism.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QFW22QV426LUOEPGASPZJWJMDE MishaFoomin

      I didn’t think it could get worse than the puking jaguar the year before.

    • tmchale

      From elephants, too, as far as I can tell.

  • colleenjanel

    I was a little sad that we apparently weren’t getting a rundown from the CMAs (cuz those country bitches and their questionable tastes are downright entertaining!) but then I saw this post. I forgot about Miss Universe!! My favorite sets of posts all year long! Can’t wait for Part 2 (could we be lucky enough to get 3??)

  • Shannon Beamer

    Oh, Uncles TLo, you slay me. “Blow jobs & Tits cape.” Hahaha. I just snorted at my desk.

    • leilah

      Ditto!

  • Heather

    Some of these are secretly awesome, like the Venetian Carnival Miss Italy one.

    • http://skreened.com/bkcentral Sarah

      I think Lebanon actually IS awesome. She looks great.

      • marlie

        Hers is probably my favorite. It’s lovely.

        • alyce1213

          I forgot to add her to the ones I like.

      • Synnamin

        Israel, too. Clearly the Middle East didn’t get the memo

      • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

        Miss Lebanon makes me think they didn’t all get the same memo about this portion of the competition.

  • hughman

    I think the real victims here are peacocks around the world.

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      And peacocks aren’t even native to Central America-who am I kidding? The organizers obviously don’t give a rat’s behind about authenticity with these WTF creations!

  • Clueless_Jock

    So anachronistic but this is great.

  • misstressofsylar

    I died at “peacock plucking”!!

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      MIss Argentina’s got some attitude, too-I can just picture her taking names and dishing out some serious shit to anyone who disrespects her.

  • Random Compliments

    Honduras reminds me of when I was 13 and I read in Seventeen that you could use brown eyeshadow to “paint” on abs.

  • mmebam

    I wonder if Japan gave some serious side eye to USA for the transformer costume.

    • Joan Arkham

      If only she was dressed like a Kaiju! Then they could fight!

    • hughman

      I’m guessing Miss Japan just gives serious side eye to everyone.

    • Catiline

      When I saw the thumbnail I immediately thought, “Gundam,” so yeah.

  • Random Compliments

    Some of these are lazy….come on, Croatia. Step it up!

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      The thigh tassels are really strange on that one.

  • Rand Ortega

    Miss USA: Can’t. Close. My. Mouth.
    No words.

    • formerlyAnon

      My words: The Ziggy Stardust Transformer.

      And I am gonna keep saying them. Because, how effing awesome??

    • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

      And then we wonder “why does the rest of the world hate us so?”

  • alyce1213

    Miss USA is a great Comicon costume.
    Do I love Miss Italy and Miss Japan. Oh yeah!
    What – all of France could only come up with that crappy Eiffel Tower outfit? Jeez.
    I can’t explain it, but Miss Netherlands made me laugh the most. Velour onesie?

    • Random Compliments

      I lol’ed with Netherlands too. It’s just so Juicy Couture on Crack.

      • Introspective

        that outfit and “dutch bitches be crazy” is pretty much where I abandoned all hope of composure while reading this post.

      • charlotte

        Teletubby on crack!

        • NYCGlamourpuss

          YAAAASSS! I posted before I read yours, but – LOL!

      • marlie

        WTF is up with her headpiece?! A toddler with a bunch of arts & crafts supplies could have done better.

      • NYCGlamourpuss

        She looks like an insane Teletubbie!

    • tallgirl1204

      Wasn’t it Heidi’s Halloween costume from a couple of years ago?

      • alyce1213

        I think she was a Transformer a couple of years back.

      • MoHub

        Very similar, only Heidi did it better.

    • mmebam

      France definitely phoned it in this year.

    • Imasewsure

      Comicon has a new Queen… Comicon Porn Goddess Miss USA….
      For the rest of us, the absolute worst? So hard to choose really

  • tereliz

    Miss Nicaragua is getting into it, at least. Is she doing lunges, or just crumbling beneath the weight of that thing?

  • http://skreened.com/bkcentral Sarah

    Miss Netherlands. You had better have some vents in that crotch, because honey, it looks toasty enough to harbor bacteria up in that velour catsuit. That sucker looks about a half an inch thick for chrissakes.

    • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ foodycatAlicia

      Yeah – I’m praying for a cotton velvet for her!

      • http://skreened.com/bkcentral Sarah

        Seriously. Just looking at it is giving me hives.

  • Judy_S

    Miss France is a melted Eiffel Tower? Take that, you couture snobs.

  • Random Compliments

    Japan needs a chiropractor.

    • MikeW_Vegas

      I think the entire Miss Universe assemblage needs one.

    • Rand Ortega

      There’s got to be an army of them on standby.

  • mickeymammoth

    This is my favorite: “KABLAM! Dutch bitches be CRAZY!” Also Miss USA is seriously awesome for a change.

    • MilaXX

      I want to see Miss. USA walking in those things.

  • theblondette

    Great Britain (oh, my nation, how you shame me): Stripper Elizabeth I.
    Costa Rica: KFC’s latest campaign goes in an intriguingly femme direction.
    France left her costume at home and quickly picked up souvenirs at Aeroport Charles de Gaulle to hot glue to her swimsuit.

    • Louise Bryan

      No way! That costume was 18th century, not 16th.

      Obviously, peacocks will soon be an endangered specie.

      • MikeW_Vegas

        Stripper Victoria??

        • Louise Bryan

          More like stripper George III, who was, after all, a bit cuckoo.

      • theblondette

        I thought C18th with the paniers, but the ruff said Elizabeth to me :)

        • theblondette

          Having said that (replying to myself, because I am cool), there are shades of Keira Knightley’s version of the Duchess of Devonshire here!

          • Snailstsichr

            Spot on – both Keira and Miss GB’s costumes played fast and loose with temporal consistency. I confess that I loved Keira’s frocks and I was highly entertained by Miss GB.

        • MoHub

          I definitely got late Elizabethan.

          • tereliz

            LOL at all of us actually assuming that the costume designer would be faithful to a specific century/reign. It’s OBVIOUSLY a mish-mash of Victorian corseting with a late-Elizabethan cartwheel-ruff. ;)

          • MoHub

            It’s actually more of an early Stuart lace portrait collar than a ruff, and there’s some pure Restoration elements working as well..

          • theblondette

            I am amused that my offhand comment got so many replies! Good to know how many historical costume nerds are around (I mean that sincerely). :)

          • ankali

            I adore every last one of you erudite, esoteric bitches.

        • oldscrumby

          Ruffs and panniers coexisted for a while in the 16th century.

          Not like that’s some notable fashion time for England/Great Britain. Clothes from that period usually bring to mind the Dutch (and pilgrims). But if you want to do some horrible combination of famous English regency costume by combining a Tudor and early Victorian gown and then slutting it up a good bit,16th century is where you land apparently.

          • MoHub

            Or early 17th.

          • oldscrumby

            Ack! I meant 17th century. Shouldn’t have switched my formatting from years to centuries. Gets me every time. But yeah, 1600′s 17th century. Think Dutch masters and Stuarts loosing their heads.

    • porcupie

      I was actually strangely proud of the Stripper Queen Bess.

      • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

        I think I have my new drag name.

  • Bexxx

    France’s hat is so…underwhelming. Like, that poopy little thing was all you could muster? Look at some of these girls.

    I lived in Nicaragua for some time and it’s a special place to me. That said, Miss Nica just gave me a migraine. In Granada there’s this strip of eateries with outdoor seating, and kids would walk up and down the street begging for money. Some of them would carry these GIANT dolls of women and make then dance to music- I think it was a traditional thing. Regardless, they were pretty creepy. Their faces are what she has above her head. I had finally forgotten my mental image of those creepy dolls.

    • pinkxxa

      El Güegüense (also known as Macho Ratón) is a satirical drama and was the first literary work of post-ColumbianNicaragua. It is regarded as one of Latin America’s most distinctive colonial-era expressions and as Nicaragua’s signature folkloric masterpiece combining music, dance and theater.

      Those are the masks she has on her head, as for the giant dolls in Granada: La Gigantona is a type of a big doll, three meters tall constructed on a light wood frame and covered with a colorful dress and lots of ornamentations. She represents the big white Spanish woman with elegance and power. El Enano Cabezon is a small fabric custom figure with a big head symbolizing the underestimated mestizo by the Spanish domination. El Coplero is the person who recites the popular folk verses and the Tamborilero is the one who plays enthusiastically the drum. Two young men go under La Gigantona and El Enano Cabezon figures who take turns dancing at the animated sound of the drums. This tradition is taken through the colonial streets of Granada and Leon. Even more there is a special “Gigantona” competition that takes place each December 8th at the Central Plaza in Leon where local judges choose the best ornamented and beautiful “Gigantona”.

      • AnneElliot

        I’m borrowing ankali’s comment: I am so impressed by the erudite and esoteric BKs. I knew someone would explain this. Where else can one get lessons in fashion history, culture, and snark 24/7? I bow down.

        • pinkxxa

          HAHAHA well I couldn’t pass up the chance as a Nicaraguan myself, I also found it surprising that in the time she was here she didn’t learn the significance of it because like she said it is a pretty common ocurrence. I mean that with no snark whatsoever and to be fair I did google it and copy paste because I didn’t feel like trying to explain it in english.

  • flamingoNW

    LOL. Nicely done

  • Jumpingjacks

    I wonder how many birds suffered for those tacky excuses

    • pippitypup

      Zero. Peacocks molt like crazy. All you have to do is wait and pick them up.

  • MikeW_Vegas

    I think Chris March has found an outlet for his awesomeness now.. Miss Universe should just hire him as the National Costume consultant.

    • AnneElliot

      I LOVE your avatar!!

  • http://dontmakeitlikeimdumb.blogspot.com/ annabelle archer

    Gotta get myself a “Blow jobs & Tits” cape.

    • Bexxx

      Sign me up.

    • Rand Ortega

      I’m in. I’d run it up the flagpole in front of my house.
      I actually don’t have a flagpole, but would immediately buy 1 especially for that cape.

    • Danielle

      They’ll be all over the S/S runways next year.

    • JDreesen

      i almost wore mine to the grocery store the other day – how embarrassing would that have been to run into Miss Brazil at the same time?! #WorstDayOfMyLifeEverToDateAmirite?!

      • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

        I wear my “blow jobs & tits” cape to the truck stop quite often, and I never run into Miss Brazil there.

      • http://dontmakeitlikeimdumb.blogspot.com/ annabelle archer

        #BitchStoleMyLook

  • Danielle

    USA didn’t even front, that’s a straight up Transformer.

    • MoHub

      Heidi Klum did it better.

    • MilaXX

      I wonder if Michael Bay is one of her sponsors.

  • pattyw

    I look at Miss Honduras and all I can see are the letters “Ho Ho Ho” hanging from her arms and lady bits. Miss Italy hiding her face in shame at her costume’s modesty.

  • marlie

    Miss USA looks RIDIC.
    Kudos to France for have a WoC representing their country.

    Miss Lebanon’s dress is beautiful.

    Miss Puerto Rico’s costume is (presumably) mede JUST FOR HER, and they can’t get the color of the fabric to match her skin tone?

    Miss Israel’s dress is pretty too.

    There are two groups: the “LOOK AT ME, BITCHEZ!” group, and the “I didn’t want to carry an extra suitcase with my costume” group.

    • alyce1213

      “Kudos to France for have a WoC representing their country.”
      And Israel too!

      • marlie

        I was totally going to say that about Israel, but for some reason I didn’t…

        • Vraji

          “Kudos to France for have a WoC representing their country.” ?! This girl, Hinarani de Longeaux, is from Tahiti, la France d’Outre-mer…but actually according to the INED (National Institute of Demographic Studies) a quarter of the French population in 1999 had at least one parent or grandparent immigrant. So it’s no big deal.

          • AnneElliot

            I noticed this also but was so utterly distracted by France’s melting Eiffel Tower headpiece and otherwise lame costume that I became distracted. Gorgeous women, both of them.

          • marlie

            It’s still notable – to me – particularly for countries who have historically had troubles with diversity and racism.

  • Alyssa

    My personal favorite is Argentina…especially with the smirk on her face. And I love Guatemala for the outright drama of it…so much to see there! Ha!

  • jen

    Yes!!!!!!! And also, WTF?????? to so many of these costumes!

  • Tatiana Luján

    The costumes from the middle east countries were really beautiful and classy.
    My favourite was Italy’s, so romantic and it made so much sense!

  • Danielle

    Not even going to lie, Paraguay’s shoes are to die for.

    • Alyssa

      You can have hers, I’ll take Croatia’s. I need a good pair of black leather boots!

      • tinyredlocks

        Word…

      • Bexxx

        They appear to be Loubs. We ALL need a good pair of Loubs.

      • Snailstsichr

        How about Brazil’s knee high sandals? I thought they were awesome.

      • Danielle

        They look like Loubs, too! Hello, red bottoms!

        • Alyssa

          If only I could afford them…

  • http://dontmakeitlikeimdumb.blogspot.com/ annabelle archer

    I am sitting at my desk, with the church giggles, complete with snorts and silent tears. Between TLo, Bitter Kittens and the imaginary scene of all these women with ginormous costume pieces, in a babble of languages, trying to maneuver backstage playing in my head. Ah, good times. Let’s go sit in some traffic.

  • Fordzo

    USA embarrasses me.

    • JDreesen

      you really should try to limit your posts to being about the fashion of th—….oh. i see.

      carry on!

  • sweetlilvoice

    I love this! Thank you for all of these posts.

  • MrsAtaxxia

    God its like Christmas. Horrible, terrible, peacock festooned Christmas of the Dammed. I LOVE IT THANK YOU SO MUCH.

  • Lucas

    Screw the rest… it is ALL about the hot mess that is Miss USA!! AAHHHAHAHAAA!! OMG! What were they thinking?!

    • Imasewsure

      Yes but really she should have come out in roller skates and sparklers to complete this look

  • Stella Zawistowski

    Oh mah gah, how can they all look like grade school craft projects?

  • Patricia Groves Dobrowski

    Sweet lord, I live for this every year. thank you.

  • http://www.what-the-frock.com Dana WhatTheFrock

    USA! USA! U-S-MUTHA-FUCKIN-A!

  • Angela_the_Librarian

    These posts are like early Christmas presents every year! So much WTFery. Maybe next year Miss USA should dress as a beer cozy..what’s more American than that? Miss Puerto Rico looks like she could be Regina’s (the Evil Queen) sister from Once Upon a Time.

  • MilaXX

    Miss Argentina – We have ALL the feathers.

    Miss Honduras – NOPE

    Miss USA – Um…. Transformers, robots in disguise!

    Miss Costa Rica – Plenty of feathers here.

    Miss Paraguay – and here.

    Miss Nicaragua – lots of em’ here too.

  • rage_on_the_page

    Goddamnit, America.

  • NDC_IPCentral

    Oh, HURRAY! This is just what I needed on a gloomy day. Thank you, thank you, Tom and Lorenzo. You have cheered me up and made me laugh and smile. The others here at IP Central will think I’m drinking or have become a changeling from my normal grumpy self.

    I guess I should look at these on a daily basis, eh?

  • jonesybj_notreally

    note to self after seeing ms. Ukraine: make sure facepaint matches shoulder cutouts. and neck. and skin color in general.

  • Judy_J

    Thank you, thank you, thank you! This is the sunny bright spot in an otherwise dreary day. I wish I could have seen Miss USA motivate down the runway…how in the world did she walk in that getup?

  • Froggae

    This post might be my favorite thing ever.

  • Jessica Freeman

    Brazil commentary FTW. Still laughing, hysterically.

    • marlie

      And Miss Brazil looks so happy with herself, too.

  • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ foodycatAlicia

    You know my favourite part of this post? It’s only part 1!

  • Jacqueline Wessel

    The best thing is that this is Part 1, which means there will be more!!!!

  • Brittney P

    I have ADHD and I even think that Miss Guatemala’s costume is way too much. Wow.

    • conniemd

      That comment from TLo and the tits and blow jobs were totally my favorite. Though I think Guatemala’s costume looked a bit like it was designed by Peter Pilotto on acid.

      • demidaemon

        I thought that was PP’s normal state.

  • imspinningaround

    Aw, poor Miss Croatia and her sad, beat-up pair of Louboutins that she wears with everything because she spent three months’ rent on them.

  • River

    Bless this post. ARGENTINA FTW. Holy cats.

    France made me saaaad.

  • DinahR

    I look forward to these all year! No joke. Thank you, T & Lo!!!

  • Tracy_Flick

    I want to see Miss Netherlands and Miss Brazil in a mural-cape-flaunting grudge match.

  • Eva_baby

    I think Miss Britain is serving of some Marie Antoinette realness. i think she stole Miss France’s outfit and left Miss France with just her undergarments. Obviously still fighting the Napoleonic wars and the Brits win again.

  • María Foulquié

    oh yeeess…gimme moar

  • Kathy

    Thank you, Uncles! My favorites are Britain, Brazil, Argentina and the Netherlands: KABLAM is right!

  • http://skreened.com/bkcentral Sarah

    WTF. Is Disqus giving you all weird format crap? I am PISSED. It is asking me if I like the “new mobile format” and I’m on a desktop. I can’t even reply to any posts…DAMN what the HELL.

    • http://skreened.com/bkcentral Sarah

      NM. I figured out how to reply…but I don’t like it. I hate change and screw yer updates, Disqus. You didn’t even have the OLD software right.

      • marlie

        I’m convince that they do it every once in a while just to f*ck with us.

        • http://skreened.com/bkcentral Sarah

          Yah now it’s looking normal so IDK WTF. I am just glad it’s not weird again for the moment. Don’t mess with me on Miss Universe Rundown Day!

  • nannypoo

    I’m looking at Miss USA and wondering how, aside from the colors, this ridiculous costume represents the USA. At the same time people all over the world are looking at the person from their country and wondering the same thing. See, the Miss USA pageant brings us all together.

    • lalahartma

      I don’t understand, and yet I do understand! It is frightening and really terrible.

    • MoHub

      Well, it is red, white, and blue. that’s all I’ve got.

  • Kate4queen

    Ha! Love it. :) All those bird feathers!!!

    • pippitypup

      As opposed to horse feathers?

  • girlsaturday

    I look forward to this every year! (The commentary, not the pageant)

  • frannyprof

    I’m embarrassed to be Dutch. Half-Dutch. Dutch-American. So, I’m a Transforming Tulip Killing Machine.

    • Imasewsure

      Please take your place among the contestants on the stage Ms. TTKM… and congrats for being able to mix two of the most awful outfits in the show!

      • frannyprof

        Working on my spinning windmill pasties even as we speak!

        • bitchybitchybitchy

          You gotta have a gimmick!

  • http://www.ellenciompi.com/ NurseEllen

    I was doing OK until I got to the “Tits and Blow Job” cape. Then I lost it. Honest to Christ, who thinks up these things???? Miss Paraguay is likely to get her sugar daddy dressed like that…she has some amazing body.

  • Violentcello

    I love Miss Puerto Rico’s dress. That’s a Disney villainess if I’ve ever seen one.

    • Trickytrisha

      Pretty much the only one that’s close to good.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/TheOctocornNetwork International Model

    “Peek-a-Blue” was obviously the theme. Though I am now thinking about how to get a “Blow Job and Tits” cape…

  • OrigamiRose

    I’m pretty sure Miss Guatemala’s heels are from the Belk accessory wall.

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      FTW!

  • bertkeeter

    OY!

  • marishka1

    Thank you! I’ve been waiting for this all day!

  • Alexis Peñafuerte Wenceslao

    I thank baby Jesus for this post.

    • quiltrx

      We ALL do. This, indeed, is Bitter Kitten Christmas.

  • jw_ny

    “Blow jobs & Tits” cape…I died laughing!

    Is she sending Donald a subliminal message?

    • formerlyAnon

      Where would the subliminal be in that, exactly? ;-)

    • quiltrx

      Wouldn’t you have loved to sit in on the “design meeting” for this costume? I mean…for all of them, really, but DAMN Y’ALL. Let’s put a giant round titty at the bottom of the cape for a bit of fab.

  • Sonja Brisson

    The ultimate drag show. Kinda love it, kinda hate it.

  • Trickytrisha

    Kudos, Uncles. That was hilarious.

    I cannot believe the level of tacky displayed on this page, and Miss USA is the prime offender. Also, feathers… how many birds gave up their plumage and/or lives for these women to strut around looking like fools?

  • YourBaloneyDontGotNoSecondName

    God, yesssssss.

  • Celeste

    Dying. Laughing.

  • Fordzo

    Am I the only one who is a little disappointed that Great Britain’s costume didn’t, somehow, celebrate the birth of a future sovereign? Maybe she could have been nursing a baby, or at least held a big sign that said “George”.

    • alyce1213

      I think I spy a baptism gown somewhere in her costume. Such a mishmash.

  • DKBB

    Your Miss Universe costume posts are almost as wonderfully, entertainingly bitchy as your Olympic figure skating posts. Thank you for the laughs!

  • Call me Bee

    Oh my sweet Lord. Those Central and South American gals are cray. And most of the Eastern Europeans are fairly subdued. So out of character…My fave is toss-up between the three- (four-?) headed woman and Miss Netherlands with her tulip legs. Both costumes are just plain ugly/awesome.

  • Annabelle

    that wasn’t that funny as from previous year

  • bitchybitchybitchy

    Miss Italy at least has a connection to the tradition of Carnival in Venice, and Miss Israel and Miss Lebanon are lovely.
    Thankfully, the other countries didn’t let us BK’s down when it comes to glorious tackiness!

  • ojosazules

    Much need hilarity. Y’all about gave my boyfriend a heart attack.

  • JDreesen

    and with that, the decision has been made. HIPS ARE FOR WEDDING NIGHTS shall be my very first tattoo!

  • Rand Ortega

    I’ve suddenly decided “KABLAM! BOOYAH, MOTHERFUCKERS!” is going on my tombstone.

    • Fordzo

      I’ve decided that mine will say “She Werq’d It Like The Bar Was Closing, And She Had No Bed For The Night”.

  • guest2visits

    Totally embarrassed by the Miss USA ToysRUsTransformer. Please get yourself some feathers and get back in line!
    Liking the costumes for Misses Argentina, Italy and Puerto Rico.

  • LadyLuck777

    I want to see Miss Puerto Rico’s dress on the Evil Queen from Once Upon a Time.

  • kittentoes

    My day just got a lot better.

  • Courtney

    I couldn’t stop laughing at Brazil. My husband now thinks that I’m a lunatic.

    • formerlyAnon

      Keepin’ the mystery alive, right?

    • dharmabum8

      Same. Brazil does not beat around the bush.

  • formerlyAnon

    Oh my children. Miss USA is not MERELY a Transformer. Miss USA is the Ziggy Stardust Transformer.

    It’s a mother fuckin’ talent, I tell ya.

    Best comment is the one for Miss Guatemala.

    And I gotta ask: Miss Brazil? WTF? Is this a subtle(HA) offer to the judges?

  • amyfromnj

    YAY!!! My favorite time of year.

  • Vtg Fashion Library

    This is the post the Bitter Kittens wait all year for. I laughed enough for a Depends commercial.

  • e jerry powell

    WTF with all these shoes? I can’t wait to see what kind of footbinding masterpiece Miss China hath wrought.

  • cocohall

    It’s like the casts of Kinky Boots and Priscilla Queen of the Desert threw a costume clearance and these lucky gals snapped up everything, got busy with hot glue guns, and threw themselves a party. I want in on the invite list.

    • formerlyAnon

      You’ve hit it! The “clearance sale” feel is EXACTLY what we seem to have going on this year.

  • quiltrx

    Did Peppermint Patty from PR design the US costume? It kind looks like that fuckery he did for Klum a few years back.

    • OrigamiRose

      Who was Peppermint Patty? I missed a couple of seasons, and the nickname isn’t ringing a bell.

      • formerlyAnon

        Nicolas . . .

        [Looked it up.] Nicolas Putvinski, Season 6 (The L.A. season.) He’d done stage/costume work, including Victoria’s Secret angel wings, if I recall correctly.

        • OrigamiRose

          Thank you! God, it’s so weird, I watched that season and have barely a single recollection of anyone from it.

          And I’m concerned the next season is set there; a NYP article on Tim this week said he was off to L.A. for six weeks of PR filming :(

      • quiltrx

        I had to look him up…I remembered Nicolas but not his last name, Putvinski. He designed Heidi’s glittery robot costume with the giant boots.

  • tixilyttik

    Well guys, you finally got some color. Be careful what you wish for.

  • jenno1013

    Central America and the Caribbean always go for the costumes that are as wide as they are tall, but Indonesia’s giving them a run for their money this year.

    Miss Guatemala wins, though — she’s got a building on her head and a man’s head on a stick!

  • Matthew Davie

    This post is giving me LIFE.

  • NinjaCate

    ““I’m not saying I’m marrying a wealthy man tonight. I’m just saying I’m ready for it, should the occasion present itself.”

    YES! DEAD!

    • NYCGlamourpuss

      I know, jesus, that was made of awesome!

  • Pitin Echevarria

    Viva Miss Puerto Rico!!!

  • http://phantomminuet.blogspot.com/ MinAgain

    Argentina, FTW!

    • nosniveling

      BAM to that!!

  • RoseJB

    Laughed so hard at the caption for Italy.

  • trisker

    Always LOVE this!

  • Glammie

    These are awesomely awful. Thank you TLo, I needed this.

  • LuisaNL

    How many birds had to be sacrificed for the making of these uh… costumes?!

    • pippitypup

      None. They shed feathers constantly. If you have peafowl, you have more feathers than you know what to do with.

  • little_miss_strange

    This is seriously my favorite event of the whole year. The Latin American ones are always the best. I mean LOOK at Miss Honduras. The insanity. But DAAAAAAMN Miss USA, a TRANSFORMER STRIPPER?!? This is a close one.

    But Brazil wins of course, because blowjobs and tits.

  • BKagainwiththesweatpants

    “Blow jobs & Tits” cape. LMFAO. When will Hot Topic be putting these in their windows? Oh, wait…

  • AnneElliot

    Looks like the Indonesian design team has been paying close attention to all the Latin American entries. Can’t wait to see if all the rest of the SE Asian countries are bringing the crazy. Can’t wait for part 2 and hopefully part 3! I hope I can stay composed at work and read the next postings.

  • Claudia

    I’m going to end every conversation I have from now on with “Argentina out”. Bam!

  • MarcN

    I don’t know if this of interest to anyone, but there have been major crapstorms in France over the Miss France competitions, with the largest private broadcaster buying the rights to the event. Anyhow, I was curious who ran the Miss Universe competition for France. I know that Miss America goes with Miss World, and that Miss USA goes with Miss Universe, but in France, Miss France is affiliated with both events; Miss Universe is presented as the competition for first runner-ups, so the woman competing for France is not in fact Miss France. And that’s why her costume is second rate. I’m being generous.

  • NYCGlamourpuss

    “Is that a cigarette? Are you INSANE??” Bwahahahahahaaaa!!! I love you Uncles – I haven’t even gotten to the second post yet, and my day has been made!

  • carnush

    I just gotta say, the Latin countries BRING IT!

  • GillianHolroyd

    Miss Indonesia boleh! Giving Guatemala a run for her money.

  • tmchale

    Am I going to have to pretend I’m Canadian when I go abroad again?

  • Sunraya

    I love that the South and Latin American countries COMMIT to this!!! They win, hands down!!!!

  • BuffaloBarbara

    Oh, I do love these posts. Someone else linked to an earlier article on these costumes at FB, and I thought, “Pfft, I’ll wait for the TLo take.”

    I kind of dig the acid-tripping geisha. I am going to pretend I didn’t see Miss USA. It seems the most polite and patriotic thing.

  • Not applicable

    WTF Miss USA?? Were you sponsored by the next IronMan movie? The Automakers union…? please explain!

  • Deedles

    …starring Demi Lovato as Miss Lebanon!

  • ashtangajunkie

    “Balance! Thigh muscles!” It is impossible to have a bad day during Miss Universal National Costumes post time.

  • save_the_hobbit

    Every year I just think to myself…”These can’t possibly be true, right? The world can’t possibly set aside its differences to present drag queen fashion right?”

    I still feel like these aren’t a real thing. You’ve just made these up. They can’t possibly exist.

  • algaechick

    Miss USA must’ve transformed into luggage, because those outfits are MASSIVE. I’m imagining TSA scanning them and trying to figure out WTF they are seeing.
    New idea for Miss USA-she should always be a representation of an overhyped American movie franchise. Captain America would be too literal-can we hope for the Hulk or IronMan next year? USA SMASH!

  • Bridget Smith

    Props to your six-pack, Miss Honduras.

    • ecallaw1977

      And to your large turqoise glittery penis.

  • Shawn EH

    Puerto Rico’s a country? Major Malificent magic going on there!

  • crash1212

    Hips are for wedding nights. FTW.

  • KT

    I laughed SO hard at Brazil’s “They told me I had to keep my top on, so check out my “Blow jobs & Tits” cape instead!” hahahaha love it

    • sadiesays

      Yes, This too. LOLOLOLOL.

  • DarthGoogle

    All these comments and no one is talking about Brazil’s cape? Awesome troll Brazil!

  • Michael Stuber

    So France has a melted plastic Eiffel tower on her head? Sad.

  • Jacob Bowen

    Oh my gosh. The combination of almost camel toe, the tulips on the arms and legs and the RIDICULOUS head and neck pieces of The Netherlands makes it my FAVORITE (Followed EXTREMELY closely by Ms. Nicaragua and her awesome balance and peacock plucking skills).

  • sadiesays

    Puerto Rico for sheer hotness and amazeballs. Netherlands for wtf hilarity.

  • mickiemonkey

    Miss USA is a LEGO Transformer!!!!!!

  • loveisblind1

    Miss America. Models in disguise.

  • kalisa

    Seems to me an awful lot of countries are laying claim to the peacock.

  • Jon Hendry

    Miss Japan’s outfit makes her leg look kinda stumpy. Is that a shadow on her leg or is her pelvis that low?

  • http://angryfemur.tumblr.com Andrea Lane

    1. Miss Netherlands looks like a Teletubby who stumbled blind through a craft store.

    2. Damn you, Michael Bay. Miss America’s costume is ALL YOUR FAULT.

  • VivianAdvanced

    Bird species all over the world are in mourning for their slaughtered loved ones.

  • Fred Vaughn

    Since I boycott things Trump, I must say I adore that you slice and dice this shit so the rest of us don’t have to, TLo.

  • ShieldGirl

    This is my favorite part of the year.

  • phil lebowitzenstein

    Black girl reprasentin’ for Israel, boyeee!!

  • linnea andersson

    okay im only on your page to see the gorgeous costumes, your commentary is fucking disgusting. Stop calling women sluts and whores for what they are wearing you stupid fucking assholes. slutshaming is the worst fucking thing ever, like “omg that woman has had sex with multiple men! oh the horror we must insult her for her, who does she think she is? a MAN? we will most definitly not approve this, it’s desgusting”. Grow the fuck up and stop being immature jerks with nothing better to do than push other people down from behing your computer screen