Time once again for a grand T Lo tradition of bitchery and stereotyping, as we check in on the greatest (or at least the largest) international drag revue the world has ever seen, darlings! It’s the Miss Universe National Costumes Parade!
Hit it, strippers!
Miss Great Britain
“Come to Great Britain and explore our rich history of prostitution!”
“Come to Azerbaijan, where our women have dignity and are not whores.”
“Come visit Turkey, the world’s leading supplier of nylon prom gowns!
“BAM. Here it is, motherfuckers. Argentina out.”
‘Thailand! We’re not afraid of color! Or setting our hair on fire!”
“Honduran women have amazingly strong abs and back mu-OW! SWEET VIRGIN MOTHER OF GOD THE PAIN.”
“AMERICA! Due to the decimation of our manufacturing base and the destruction of our middle class, we don’t make cars anymore! We make movies about cars that turn into robots. BOOYAH, MOTHERFUCKERS! Forefathers! Constitution! FUCKING FREEDOM, AMIRITE?”
Miss Costa Rica
“Come to Costa Rica and be pleasured by our tacky fish-goddesses with bad color-pairing skills!”
“Not even gonna front. Looking for a sugar daddy tonight.”
“Ooh-la-la! Come to the land of modest bathing suits and ass nets! LA FRANCE!”
“They told me I had to keep my top on, so check out my “Blow jobs & Tits” cape instead! Brazil! THE SEXY PEOPLE.”
“Come to Gabon, where — Is that a cigarette? ARE YOU INSANE? GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME, ASSHOLE!”
“Come to Lebanon. We’re classy bitches over here.”
“The Bahamas export more showgirls per square mile than any other country in the world! We hatch from eggs!”
“Italy. Our serial killers are chic and wear couture.”
“Croatia is ready to do some ASS-KICKING tonight! Watch my tassles, bitches!”
Miss Puerto Rico
“Come, let us cast our dark Puerto Rican magic on you. MwaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”
“Nicaraguans! Balance! Thigh muscles! At least three extra heads! Great at peacock-plucking!”
“Come to Ukraine. Our mothers don’t let their daughters leave the house looking like common Belarus streetwalkers. Hips are for wedding nights.”
“Come visit Guatemala! Especially if you have perhaps a degree in Costume Design! And no ADHD? And you shun the use of any stimulants?
Please. We’re begging you.”
“In Hungary, the women all look like slutty hotel maids!”
“KABLAM! Dutch bitches be CRAZY!”
“I’m not saying I’m marrying a wealthy man tonight. I’m just saying I’m ready for it, should the occasion present itself.
Oh. Um…. ISRAEL!”
“Come to Indonesia, where our beauty queens have finally decided they WILL NO LONGER BE IGNORED.”
“Am I an acid-tripping geisha shaped like a fan? Or a kind of ugly fan shaped like a geisha? Come ponder mysteries like this in JAPAN. Our women love back pain.”
[Photo Credit: Darren Decker/Miss Universe]
Cobie Smulders in Christian Dior at the Guggenheim International Gala Next Post:
2013 CMA Awards Red Carpet Rundown