CR7 by Cristiano Ronaldo Underwear Launch

Posted on November 01, 2013

Because it’s Friday, here is a boy in his best pair of 2003 jeans, standing under a crotch bulge the size of a Volkswagen.



Footballer Cristiano Ronaldo poses in front of a 19m high billboard during the global launch of the CR7 by Cristiano Ronaldo Underwear line at the Palacio de Cibeles in Madrid, Spain.


Because money.

Also it’s his crotch bulge, so that makes it not weird.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

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  • Is that supposed to be him in the billboard? I’ve never seen him with his mouth closed or with flat hair before! No comment on the crotch bulge.

    • María Foulquié

      my thoughts exactly! I’ve always loathed him, but mouth closed and flat hair he doesn’t look all that bad

      • stephbellard

        It’s like how Darren Criss looks way hotter as Blaine (flat hair etc) so too Cristiano Ronaldo. In fact with his hair like that and his crotch bulge that size, I finally understand why so many gays love him.

  • JosephLamour

    I can smell his Cool Water Cologne through the picture.

    • boweryboy


  • Feathers McGraw

    That doesn’t even really look like him in the billboard! But I barely recognize him standing there anyway.

    • Sarah

      Yeah, somebody looks a leetle bit more “pumped up” with his clothes off than on, huh? (coughphotoshopcough)

      • NOLA_gal

        Thank you! He’s a cutie, but there appears to be some optical magic in action here.

      • YoungSally

        You know the camera adds 10 lbs — just not usually muscle.

        • lundibleu

          Yeah, the camera leaves that to the photoshop artiste.

      • deltabronze

        It would be entertaining to see the video version of the photoshop job — widening the shoulders & thighs, adding definition to the abs, etc.

  • Lori

    He really needed to watch a couple seasons of Next Top Model before he did this. A couple of those poses are so awkward and stiff they’re causing me pain.

    • Kent Roby

      The ANTM rules rarely apply to male models; many of the guys lumber down runways like Neanderthals. But, yes, he could certainly loosen up some without giving “Broken Down Rag Doll”.

  • Latin Buddy

    As a gay man, I hate that these poorly designed briefs will be worn by my people. They really failed on the ads. His trademark is his smile. They tried to Beckham him up. They removed all of his natural sexiness. Also, those jeans, he should burn them.

    • boweryboy

      As a gay man, I second this.

    • Fanny_Trollope

      As a straight woman, I third it.

      • futurenicole

        As a human being with eyes, I fourth it.

  • boweryboy

    Those jeans are unfortunate. Hell. His entire look is unfortunate. So is that billboard. He’s photoshopped into oblivion.

    I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but I’m getting whiffs of douche through my computer screen.

    • filmcricket

      I don’t think he’s particularly known for being a nice guy, actually. Well, maybe in his personal life (I have no idea), but on the field he’s a whiny little bitch a lot of the time. Damn talented though.

      • boweryboy

        Well, then I stand corrected. I should always trust my first instinct, especially when that first instinct is “douche”.

      • MM4321

        I actually like him a lot more on the field than off. I get put off by the persona, but then actually watch him play and he’s fantastic. Head down and working hard way more than whining.

        • filmcricket

          He’s an absolutely mesmerizing player, I love watching him do his thing. And maybe it’s because I haven’t seen any of his club play that I think of him as being whiny – possibly the dramatics come out more during the World and Euro Cups. And like I say, I have no idea what he’s like in person; though if he’s cocky and full of himself, that’s not a huge surprise given how young, hot, rich, and talented he is. But I definitely recall some “But, but, but, that’s not FAIR!” stuff going on in 2012.

          • E2_Remote

            Agreed on everything you said, plus he’s a better diver than Louganis.

          • Tânia

            he always plays much better when he’s playing for Real Madrid than when it’s for his country, which also happens to be mine. And he does seem douchy as hell. I much prefer Messi

        • jabes

          Yeah, diving that frequently requires a lot of hard work.

  • All Beef Sausage.

  • NMMagpie

    I never get it with this guy and I am one of the biggest soccer fans on the planet. This is just too much narcissism even for him. And the jeans are not a good choice.

  • ryenerman

    This is quite possibly the funniest summary of a photo op/brand launch I’ve ever read.

  • Sobaika

    I’m staring at this and trying really hard but… nope. Not even the shadow of a ladytingle.

    What is going on? Is my crotch dead?

    • muzan-e

      Everything from the waist down screams “codpiece”. And they’ve done something very Charlie Chaplin to his face. And between the two of those, I’m laughing too hard to –


    • mommyca

      totally agree…. nothing… please give me some Beckham…

    • Sarah

      You are not alone. I am not feeling this dude at all, but I like my fellows rugged and hirsute, so this guy just looks like a smooth Ken doll.

      • marlie

        YES. He seems too… robotic and fake.

      • YourBaloneyDontGotNoSecondName

        Hello! Give me a ticklish Ron Swanson any day.

        • Sarah

          As a person engaged to a shorter and much handsomer Hagrid, I am inclined to agree 😉

          • marlie

            That’s what my bf would look like if he grew out his beard (and it would probably take him just a couple of weeks), and I didn’t know that I’d love it so until now.

          • Sarah

            I had a huge crush on Grizzly Adams when I was little, so as soon as I was old enough to date Real Men I never dated a nude-chinned man, not once. I’ve got a hard-on for beards in the worst way. My piratey manimal is a man who never didn’t have a beard since he could grow one, starting at about age 15, so we were made for each other.

          • Qitkat

            Apologies, the devil made me do it 😉

  • Miss WKS

    CR7? I’d rather see our 10….

  • MilaXX

    I was hoping to see this on here. Thanks!

  • Jessica Freeman

    Here stand in front of your billboard. Now stand next to your underwears on mannequins. This is just…what?

    • Lucía Gavello

      I know it’s a product launch but it looks like some sort of exhibit at “Musee du Douche”.

    • demidaemon

      Oh, “underwears,” gives me fond memories of RPDR S1 and the Oprah challenge.

  • KirFla

    Are his jeans ladypants?

  • Glam Dixie

    Is he….no seriously, is he wearing a wallet chain? coughDouchecough

    • Jumpingjacks

      of course he is, it matches his sparkly buckle, very expensive faded jeans, equally expensive shirt that’s custom made so that it probably won’t be able to close fully and accentuates his lovely sneakers.. how could he not wear a wallet chain!

      • Glam Dixie

        Of Course! What was I thinking! The wallet chain was practically a requirement.

  • Roz

    That is quite the zhush-ed jawline in the blowup!

  • DTLAFamilies

    The jeans are a tragedy. The sneakers are a crime against humanity. I can’t even pay attention to the codpiece with all that fuckery going on below.

  • Daktari100

    He must have tucked before he put the jeans on, because the bulge in the underwear shot seems to have vanished.

  • marlie

    Those jeans offend me the most of all.

    • Jaeda Laurez

      Don’t they just say “THAT guy in the club with THOSE friends?” Good god. Especially with that belt buckle and shirt.

      • MilaXX

        Yep It’s all very 1980’s “too sexy for my shirt” wear

  • Julie Ree

    Anyone else miss Marky Mark in in his Calvin Kleins?

    • Jessica Freeman


  • vitaminC

    Anybody getting hints of Ed Ruscha’s painting “Actual Size”? Links get my comments thrown out, so you’ll have to Google it.

  • Ros

    Those are some ugly pants.

  • Danielle

    Too pretty. I would be so insecure around him.

  • E2_Remote

    For someone that has a lot of style and panache on the field (ok, that is when he’s actually on two legs and not taking a dive, getting up from a dive, or whining to the ref), this is shockingly awkward.

  • Jacqueline Wessel

    Are we sure that’s his crotch bulge?

  • jw_ny

    it’s an obviously padded crotch bulge.

    as well, some photoshopper really took liberties with his face….made quite apparent with his standing in front of the image

    • E2_Remote

      I am very confused by the photoshopping(?) of his build as well, but for the opposite reason. Saw him with his shirt off after a game just last week, and boyfriend was serving some SERIOUS chest, just like the ad. But here, he looks so much smaller than the ad – maybe it’s just something with the shirt he’s wearing? Me confused.

  • Kate4queen

    He’s a great footballer but I’d rather look at Becks in his underwear than him any day.

  • webslice33

    he is better looking without clothes on

  • bitchybitchybitchy

    That’s one way to boost the Spanish economy, I suppose.

  • mcb

    Now I’ll never look at a Volkswagon the same again.

  • dancho

    What a crappy Sausage Friday.

  • MannahattaMamma

    maybe he and Becks & marky mark could have an underwear-off. like a dance-off but…well…different.

  • Constant Reader

    Everything the other Bitter Kittens said, plus I hate how over-tweezed his eyebrows are.

  • Sofia Lopez Garcia