Jessica Biel in Dolce&Gabbana at the Premiere

Posted on September 19, 2013

Jessica, we salute the main style choice you’ve made here, which is cause for celebration, we should think, since we’re always yelling at you. But as much as we like the idea of you in menswear, we’re gonna tell you what you got wrong here. Don’t worry. It only hurts a little. A couple pricks and it’s all over.

 

Jessica Biel attends the world premiere of “Runner Runner” at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino in Las Vegas in a Dolce&Gabbana suit paired with a Mark Cross bag.

Granted, we hate when couples dress alike or according to a theme, but this is a promotional thing, so we’re inclined to not care. Besides, he looks awful. This post is all about you, girl. Aren’t you lucky?

Love the suit, darling. Truly. But here’s the thing: you have to find a way to make menswear-inspired womenswear work for you without being too literal about it. We’re sure you and your stylist thought it was cute to stick to the theme by giving you severe hair, a clean face, and even a little purse that looks like a briefcase, but to be honest, we’re yawning.

Sure, there are lots of ways to do androgyny-style, but since we’re talking about a celeb on a red carpet, we’re thinking the more glam versions of it should be the goal here. You’re not at a drag ball, after all. Look to classic ’80s Annie Lennox or Victor/Victoria. Androgyny, with a lot of makeup. That’s what work for you. A glam purse and some night-time earrings and eye makeup. Also: disco shoes. There. That wasn’t so hard, was it?

Seriously, honey. The bag? Come ON. We suppose we should be grateful you didn’t reach for the fedora on your way out.

 

 

[Photo Credit: David Becker/Getty Images, FPA/FAMEFLYNET PICTURES]

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  • Latin Buddy

    I’m surprised she doesn’t go to McQueen or Burberry. Those brands have a masculine/athletic/warrior look that plays into her physique. She shouldn’t go for ethereal Marchesa/Valentino. She’s not delicate/graceful.

  • Little_Olive

    This is not androgyny, it’s torero day at William Morris. Meh.

  • Jaeda Laurez

    I don’t mind the hair so much- seems more Spanish-inspired than regular business wear. But she needed lips. She’s got such nice raw material to work with- a beat could have made this a WERK.

    • Sobaika

      She does need lips. And eyes. And blush.

      Honestly, someone slap her makeup gay.

      • barbarienne

        Really. She looks tired. Maybe she is (and she has a right to be), but when part of your job is dressing up and looking good, “wan” should be avoided.

        • Sobaika

          She defaults to this look so much that I have to assume it works in person – I would think the natural look would allow her cheekbones and beautiful features to take the stage.

          It just doesn’t photograph well.

    • demidaemon

      I’m just glad it isn’t cocker spaniel hair.

  • http://dontmakeitlikeimdumb.blogspot.com/ annabelle archer

    He looks perpetually surprised. And she looks butch. Clueless, the both of them.

  • http://www.twitter.com/anneofnogables AnneNotHathaway

    She’s got the suit, but not the tie. Justin’s not gonna be happy about that.

  • nannypoo

    She looks like a bullfighter.

    • Donyelle

      Cue Ravel

  • madscntst

    She looks like a flamenco dancer on her way to work.

    • BrooklynBomber

      I was thinking matador.

      • madscntst

        Oh, you’re right, touché…or olé as
        the case may be.

      • Anne

        Rat-tat-tat-ador!

      • makeityourself

        Yes, matador. I’ve always felt her facial features resembled Ava Gardner’s, another of the world’s great beauties, but the matador costume is sooooo literal. Ava had a famous bullfighter phase in her life, and now Mrs. T has taken it a step farther and dressed as the actual matador. Seriously, she is so utterly clueless about personal style it’s upsetting my stomach.

    • https://twitter.com/Gayer_Than_Thou Gayer Than Thou

      Executive dominatrix.

  • http://www.fairestrunofall.com/ Jenn @ Fairest Run of All

    She… does dressage? I wish she’d brought the horse instead.

  • hughman

    She needs an umbrella and Dick Van Dyke speaking bad cockney.

  • http://foodycat.blogspot.co.uk/ foodycatAlicia

    I like the earrings. Tanzanite or sapphire?

    • imakeart

      Looks more like Tanzanite.

  • flamingoNW

    Yeah, the bag kind of ruins it. Without it, I wouldn’t have minded the rest. The suit is awesome. SO glad we’re past the heavy bangs phase, by the way.

  • alyce1213

    I like the suit, but I’d prefer a slightly less tight leg — very slim and straight — not like the way skinny jeans fit, which I think brings the jacket down. I like the fancy diamond buttons, you don’t see that too much, and her earrings.
    I could deal much better with the hair if she were wearing red lipstick.

    • Little_Olive

      I’m not sure about the red lipstick. It elevates the risk of (i) the outfit being too Spanish and (ii) her smearing the bottom of her nose when talking.

    • Rhonda Shore

      You’ve hit on the main problem here — a bigger problem than her little bag…the tightness of the leg not only throws the proportions off but cheapens the look a bit. And yes, that dramatic face begs for lipstick!!!

  • mjude

    i love the tiny little purse only because i love tiny things. does she ever wear much makeup? she sure could have used a bit more.

  • Lola Channing

    Senorita, I feel for you
    You deal with things, that you don’t have to

    • imspinningaround

      mariahcareyapplaudingappreciatively dot gif

  • eowyn_of_rohan

    “A couple of pricks” — gentlemen, don’t be so hard on yourselves! :)

  • Imasewsure

    We should be glad BOTH of them didn’t reach for the fedoras on the way out. Really cute suit but lame styling

  • amanda siegelson

    i’m not afraid to say it: i love the bag.
    but the girl needs some make-up. for sure.

  • Jacquelyn

    She needs some better makeup for sure.

    Justin looks TERRIBLE! Come one TLo, do a post on him!

  • snarkykitten

    She looks some period piece lesbian in that outfit. I don’t know why my brain jumped to that conclusion

    • MilaXX

      Tipping the Velvet realness!

  • MilaXX

    Send that suit to Janelle Monae. She will pair it with a ruffled blouse, some killer heels & a red lip to show you how it’s done.

    • decormaven

      So very true! I’d love to see her rock this look.

  • Lilak

    Yeah, too much by the book. Just one little witty accoutrement, though, and I’d be good with this.

  • Angela_the_Librarian

    I’m probably in the minority here, but I actually really like everything about this look, including the bag. Maybe could have used a stronger lip color, but everything else looks good and I think the briefcase inspired bag is a fun touch without going overboard (a fedora would have been overboard)

  • dalgirl

    “Could you please send the sommelier to our table? Thank you.”

  • SportifLateBoomer

    What popped into my head was the Who song “Bellboy.” She just needs the little cap.

    Not what was intended, I’m sure.

  • Miss WKS

    want interesting?
    lose the blouse.

  • NoveltyRocker

    A “briefcase” doesn’t really make all that much sense when the top half is so reminiscent of a bullfighter or Downton butler.

  • Ronni H.

    I really hate that hair…

  • RussellH88

    The only person who could pull this off without heavy makeup is The Swinton.

  • Jennifer Peters-Ahnberg

    I bet she left her fedora in the car on accident.

  • Trickytrisha

    I just realized that she has no “bow” on her upper lip. Is that possible or is it done with makeup? Anyway, it’s a lovely suit, but yeah, I’m yawning too.

  • stubbornthoughts

    This look is so strange and costume-y. I like the idea of it, but such horrible execution.

    On another note, this marriage still boggles my mind. I think the pairing is quite forgettable, so when I see them together, I’m like, “Ohhhh right. I still don’t get it.” Mainly because I only see him loving himself.

  • marlie

    Agree 100% with the mini-briefcase purse. This is where she needed something glittery and bold. And if she had a slightly bolder eye, and a much bolder lip, as well, her makeup would have been great.

  • TAGinMO

    Pure Mrs. Olson from the neck up.

    • Not applicable

      yes!!

  • kimmeister

    I think she might be too busty for that jacket. The Mennonite hair was a bad idea.

  • neonseattle

    should’ve worn her hair down in soft waves and added a bold lip color to soften this whole look

  • Fordzo

    Dear Anna,

    Having fun on Rumspringa. Today I wore pants in public. Tomorrow I will let down my hair. Still too afraid to try makeup. Wish you were here.

    Your Beloved Sister,
    Jessica

    • Not applicable

      lolol. considering eating chocolate… by weeks end. Don’t tell papa!

      • Fordzo

        Experimented with oral sex. Was NOT “just like eating a popsicle”.

        • Not applicable

          hahhahaha!! if I could upvote this 1000x I would! thank you for that LOL

          • demidaemon

            Heh. Golden!

  • miscorrections

    Wrong Jessica. Paré would make it sing.

  • lobsterlen

    It’s just a jump to the left

    And then a step to the right

    Put your hands on your hips

    And bring your knees in tight

    And then the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane…

    Let’s do the time warp again.

    Jessica as Riff Raff

  • Beth513

    “just two little pricks” – that was supposed to be punny right? Oh, uncles.

    I think she just looks bad here. I don’t get that jacket on her at all. The only positive is that her bangs are far, far away.

  • Donna Tabor

    A couple of pricks, eh?

    Snort.

  • Not applicable

    to me, this is a cry for help.

  • decormaven

    The accessory that is not working is on her right arm.

  • Sunraya

    Has she puffed up her top lip so that it no longer has any curve to it? I don’t remember her having lips like that. It is distracting. I like the clothes, but agree on everything else.

  • leftcoastpickle

    I bet she has a backgammon set in that little case!

  • http://twitter.com/#!/Space_Kitty Space Kitty

    I cannot understand why she rejects the bangs that do so much for her. Severe hair has never been, and never will be, her look.

  • Kate4queen

    Looks like a Downton Abbey footman.

  • CatherineRhodes

    Jeezus, did you see the size of her wedding ring? A wonder the gal can lift her left hand.

  • http://frankbettecenter.org/ sleah_in_norcal

    i know we were complaining about your bangs, but the center part is not your friend. it’s giving you princess anne horse-face.

  • sagecreek

    Would a simple shell have worked better than a collared shirt? It’s fighting with the jacket.

  • cocohall

    Tango Argentino callbacks are next week dear.

  • quiltrx

    I want the little bag but NOT with her stupid outfit.
    And this headline makes my eye twitch. The fact that she was “at The Premiere” (or so my mind saw it) made me try to figure out what event was so pretentious that it’s just called “the premiere”. I was all ready to get on my soapbox until I figured out it was just a mistake. :)

  • d4divine

    Fedora! LOL

  • http://marshmallowjane.com/ marshmallowjane

    I love that she’s confident enough to hide her curves. But her outfit doesn’t nothing for her coloring. That’s my problem with what she’s wearing. Plus, her hair is pulled back in a funny way. She looks like a school marm.

  • Scoop

    They are ri-DIC. All she needs to do to make this suit chic is swap out the white business shirt buttoned up to HERE for a sexy flash of bra or a mesh cami showing off the décolletage. And swap that sad little briefcase-purse for an oversized black clutch, à la Céline.

  • fursa_saida

    I’m sorry, I’ll just be laughing about “a couple of pricks and it’s all over” over here in the corner for the next forty minutes like the immature creep I am.

  • bellafigura1

    Yeah, waay too literal. I would toss in the button-down shirt, that bolero-y feel jacket wants something else? I feel like a low flesh color cami would be the way to go here, frame some cleavage. The hair is actually painful.

    Most interesting is the couple body language. They are almost pulling away from each other. Maybe a row in the limo on the way over? “You stole my look!”

    • Erica_Vuitton

      Each and every day I hope JT goes back to Britney. I know it will never happen but I’ve never understood this relationship.

  • MrsBug

    She looks great. I would’ve recommended softer hair.

  • Erica_Vuitton

    I agree with everything The Uncles are saying here. Even just a sexy cami instead of a fully buttoned up shirt would make this look so much better. I say it again, is there a shortage of silver sandals in Hollywood??

  • melanie0866

    Head to toe, this is awful. She looks like an organ grinder’s monkey.

  • janierainie

    She looks like a bullfighter

  • Zizi_N

    Fierce suit. Tired face. Dry earrings. Busted shoes. In fact her shoes gave me the most pause, absolutely tragic. A sleek black patent pump would’ve done wonders for this look! JT looks like he’s strung out on drugs.

  • kolokOlchik

    I was going to say, hair down, lose the briefcase. Then it would be a WERQ, really a personal best in terms of style!

  • kathrineb

    So glad she got rid of her long bangs/booms.