Not by a goddamn long shot, kittens. We’re mainlining coffee and we suggest you do it too. Judgment is exhausting. We don’t know how God does it. Yesterday was a record day for the site on several fronts (yay) but Daddy and Papa are not looking very pretty this morning. Still, we’re committed. Or will be.
Alfre Woodard in Tadashi Shoji
This is the third dress we’ve seen her in this week and that’s probably more Alfre Woodard dresses than we’ve seen in the last several years. We’ll give her a lot of credit for wearing dresses that fit and flatter her and, for the most part, she looks comfortable wearing. But she has, we’re sorry to say, very dowdy tastes in textiles. Hair, makeup, and bod all look pretty great. There’s no reason to be wearing such a grandma fabric.
Alyson Hannigan in Marchesa
Pretty old school, bordering on dated. Great color, though.
Amanda Peet in Erdem
Answering the question, “What would it be like to have x-ray vision in 1875?”
Amy Poehler in Basler
Her impromptu Carrie Underwood interview on the red carpet – after yanking the mike away from the out-of-his-league Ryan Seacrest – was several seconds of improv comedy heaven. “HELLO CARRIE UNDERWOOD. LET’S TALK ABOUT RELIGION, GUNS AND SWEAR WORDS. WHO ARE YOU WEARING?”
Therefore, we have no criticisms. Okay, maybe one: An accentuated shoulder could be her best friend. She never quite got that. Just saying.
Anna Faris in Monique Lhuillier
Horrible color for a pale blonde. Kind of a boring dress, to boot.
Ariel Winter in Lorena Sarbu
Also boring, if a little pretty. She’s way too young to be dressing this conservatively.
Betsy Brandt in Alice + Olivia
Against all reason, we couldn’t take our eyes off this dress, either on the red carpet or on the stage. There’s a lot here we shouldn’t like – and truth be told, don’t like – but she somehow made this gigantic metallic thing work for her.
Brooke Anderson in A Pea in the Pod
The dress is fine, but the Easter basket shoes are an abomination.
Carrie Underwood in Romona Keveza
Standard, pretty, and probably the best choice for her. Forcing America to listen to her yodel her way through a Beatles song is cause for public stoning.
Derek Hough in Brooks Brothers
He needs a pants hemming, but he’s cleaned up and put together. Never really thought much of him either way, but his acceptance speech was kind of charming.
Emily Deschanel in Houghton
Sometimes we wonder if she figures one of the Deschanels better dress like a grownup if they’re both going to be at the same event. Zooey always skews a bit young, but Emily skews a bit old.
Honestly, we’re sorry to keep using this lately, but how does this not look like the quintessential Mother of the Bride dress? Like, so much so that honest-to-God MOBs on a dress-shopping jaunt would look at that and go, “Ew, no. I don’t want to be a cliche.”
Heidi Klum in Atelier Versace
We’re digging the color, the sparkle, and the all-around slinkiness, but that neck piece really does nothing but distract.
James Wolk in Emporio Armani
Find a pair of pants that fit, wear a brand-new pair of shoes for the occasion, and put a dab of pomade in your hair. Now go.
Jane Krakowski in Zac Posen
Standard. Nice color. Can’t stand the jewelry choices, though. Very distracting and unbalanced.
Jane Lynch in Badgley Mischka
The shoes are kind of tragically boring – not the shape, but the color and lack of oomph – but this might be a personal best.
Jesse Tyler Ferguson in Brooks Brothers
Not your cut of suit, JT.
Jessica Lange in Escada
Oh god. We love her too much. You guys tell her.
Jessica Pare in Oscar de la Renta
This pains us, because we think Oscar de la Renta should be on more red carpets, but this was the disaster of the night, as far as we’re concerned. Personal worst.
Kaley Cuoco in Vera Wang
Don’t love the eye makeup, but the dress looks really great on her.
Kate Mara in J. Mendel
It’s eye-catching, that’s for sure. We can’t really sign off on it as being pretty or chic, but we give her credit for trying to do something interesting.
Lily Rabe in Vionnet
We refuse to be as open-minded for Lily. You’d have to be blind to not see how bad this looks.
Mayim Bialik in Oliver Tolentino
The color’s pretty and the general design is fine, but all that ticky-tacky trim is just horrifying. And someone really needs to tell her to stop matching her accessories so exactly all the time.
Rose Byrne in Calvin Klein Collection
Stunning. One of the best looks of the night, honestly. She needs to stay away from the tricky Frankendresses she sometimes favors and take a dip in the minimalist pool more often. It’s totally her kind of look.
Sarah Paulson in Carolina Herrera
It’s not a bad dress, but it’s too severe-looking on her.
Sofia Vergara in Vera Wang
The very definition of “expected.”
Taylor Schilling in Thakoon
We liked it more in theory than in practice. In our heads, it’s an icy cool, soignee gown in a ’30s Hollywood style, rather than something that looks good, but could’ve been fitted just a bit better than this. Not loving the shoes. Combined with the slit, they ensure that everyone’s going to be focused on her desperately gripping toes all night.
Will Arnett in Calvin Klein Collection
Cute, but ill-fitted.
Zachary Quinto in Givenchy
We’re surprised at how much we like this since we generally don’t like the all-black look on men. The grey touches really help to define the look. Half-inch off the bottom of the pants, please.
[Photo Credit: Carlos Diaz, Jennifer Graylock/INFphoto.com]