Project Runway: This Yogurt Tastes Like Personality Disorder!

Posted on August 02, 2013

This looks like a frame from a found-footage horror movie:

And they were never seen again. All that was left were scraps of eviscerated plushies – and questions.

Oh Holy Mary, Mother of Pearl, that was the most… what? What is the word we can use to describe this episode of Project Runway?

 

No….

 

No… no…

 

What? No.

 

Not exactly, no.

 

Ha ha.

No.

 

GOD, no. We suppose we’re going to have to describe it ourselves.

How about “Batshit?”

“Psych Ward?”

“Parade of Dysfunction?”

“How NOT to Make Friends and Influence People?”

“The WORST yogurt commercial ever made?”

Oh, to hell with it. Let’s just call it the craziest episode ever…

 

from beginning…

(Either these designers all have amazing reflexes and aim or those games were rigged. Who leaves Coney Island with garbage bags of cheap loot?)

… to the brutal, bitter end.

We don’t know what chemicals were used in the manufacture of all those cheap carnival toys, but whatever they were, they triggered a whole range of psychotic behavior. It was like a series of escalating explosions going off, catching other people in its wake of crazy. A Unicornucopia of Crazy, if you will.

 

And what made it hilarious was that the two people in the center of all this crazy are both so painfully awkward. They’re like characters in a sketch comedy show. Princess Snowflake Sustainicorn can’t get through an hour without constant hugging and encouragement from everyone around him, lest he collapse into a puddle of unicorn tears.

 

WHO THE FUCK ACTS LIKE THIS? WHO SITS IN DARK STAIRWELLS WITH SOMETHING THAT BELONGS IN THE BEDROOM OF A FIVE-YEAR-OLD-GIRL, WEEPING OVER A GREETING CARD?

 

But Grumpy Diana Prince isn’t much better herself. At least Snowflake is consistent in his batshittery. She veered from “I HATE YOU” to “I LOVE WORKING WITH YOU HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!” and then back again. And then back again. And then back again. ALL IN ONE DAY.

Also this:

Looks like a ransom note from someone in a tinfoil hat. Even the models are acting a little crazy.

 

We suppose we should examine the whole psycho-drama and declare who was at fault for what and who was the victim of bullying here, but frankly, we can’t be bothered. We wouldn’t want to take a 1-minute elevator ride with either of them. They honestly should never have been allowed on the show, so crazy and off-base were their actions last night.

 

He’s simply not, shall we say, emotionally mature enough for reality television and she seems to literally lose control of her emotions and actions when she gets stressed out. You’re making a dress out of  plastic fish and aliens with a guy who thinks unicorns are real. We don’t care how much you might need the prize money. At some point, you’ve just got to relax and go with it, honey. Nothing’s worth that much stress.

Also: Freddie Mercuryovich is gross but we refuse to give him the attention he desperately craves. He’s gross. Let’s leave it at that.

 

 

Helen and Kate

So congrats, Afterschool Special! You were another one who hasn’t exactly shown emotional stability in this competition (and we’re only on the THIRD CHALLENGE, people) and frankly, you seemed one bad stitch away from a breakdown through most of last night. But according to Kate (through gritted, begrudging teeth) the success of this look came down to you.

It looks great. It looks high fashion. But it wasn’t our pick.

 

Miranda and Timothy

Oh, whatever. All that crap-drama. For this. Imagine if either of them had to do an entire collection.

Still, we didn’t think it was the worst design on the runway. Even so, both designers demonstrated that they are clearly not ready; either for the rigors of the fashion industry or the rigors of the competition. We’re fine with the auf. Frankly, we thought up until the last second they were both going to be sent home. It’s only a matter of time for Grumpy Diana Prince, though. She’s marked with the scarlet C.

For “crazy.”

 

Alexandria and Dom

We would’ve given this the win. It’s adorable and it’s loaded with personality. Plus it feels more modern than anything else on that runway. Domo-kun fashion has been done before, but not to so great an extent that this looks like a cliche. And they styled her perfectly. No, this definitely should have won last night, as far as we’re concerned.

 

Alexander and Justin

And this was easily the worst look by far. But Drag Brows and Locutus both knew they’d screwed up and showed at least some maturity and professionalism on the runway. In the face of Snowflake’s multiple meltdowns, and given that some simple editing revealed a decent garment, we had no problem with both of them getting to stay, especially since we came up with “Locutus” just last night and we want to keep using it for a while.

 

Jeremy and Ken

We don’t know their aesthetics well enough to know who came up with what, but this is a surprisingly stylish and well-made look. Those pants are a revelation. The problem is that none of these pieces really look like they belong with each other. The top half is for another outfit entirely. And there’s really no way to make plastic pants look chic. They’re impressively made, though.

 

 

Sandro and Sue

Once again, a bullshit-ton’s worth of drama for a totally mediocre dress. These two things are not unrelated. People don’t go off like that unless they have no confidence in their design or skills. Sandro’s there to get attention for himself and to stir up shit, first and foremost. We can’t with that one. And Sue’s a doormat. “I think Sandro the angry, attention-seeking misogynist is fun!” “It’s for the best that I submit to Sandro.” Honey, no.

 

Bradon and Karen

We’re surprised this got waved through without comment. We thought it was mostly a spectacular dress, with one really bad element. The green and blue part looks amazing. The brown fur and stuffing are terrible additions. Again; we don’t know individual aesthetic well enough to judge, but it looks like two distinct ideas from two different designers slammed together into one dress.

 

 

[Photo Credit: Barbara Nitke for Lifetime – Stills: tomandlorenzo.com]

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