Project Runway: Ohmigod, Becky. Look at her butt.

Posted on July 26, 2013

Couple of rent-a-cops, if you ask us. They couldn’t even smell all the crack smoke that was clearly in the air last night.

 

We had to laugh, because true to form, Project Runway had a fun season premiere that got everyone’s hopes up for a good season, and then quickly let the audience know that the first date is over and it’s time to take its makeup off. What sounded like fun twists in the show’s longstanding format last week suddenly got revealed to be pretty lame. For instance, despite all the “The judges don’t know who made what” declarations, we found out this week there’s a little footnote to that; namely that Heidi does know. So what’s the point, really? Heidi and Tim sit on either end of the judging panel, both of them knowing who made what. The only ones who don’t know are Nina and Zac. What real difference does that make?

And we saw what happens to the show’s format when you put Tim in a chair for the runway show. INCREDIBLY awkwardly staged vignettes ending in hugs RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RUNWAY SHOW. “Tim, would you like to go over there and say something?” UGH. Bitches, PLEASE.

Also: the Tim Gunn Save thing is getting to be a little obnoxious, as we’re treated to Tim twisting the knife a little as a disappointed designer leaves. “I decided not to use my save this week because I agree with the judges! Kahindo really sucked!”

 

Sustainicorn showed us all just what a little snowflake child he is this week, as he practically started cutting himself upon receiving some highly well-deserved criticism from Tim and then openly asking for hugs and reassurances from all the people he’s competing against. And his whole “philosophy,” if you can call it that, is totally incoherent. He’s ridiculous and he’s a child. He needs to GO.

But we have to admit, we roared with laughter at the clearly scripted, “HI. IT TURNS OUT L’OREAL IS LIKE, TOTALLY SUSTAINABLE.” “GREAT! THEN I WILL HAPPILY USE L’OREAL PRODUCTS FOR ALL MY FUTURE MAKEUP NEEDS! BECAUSE I’M WORTH IT!”

 

We just want Heidi to twist her hair, pop her gum, and say in her best ohmigod-Becky voice, “You’re just … so … BLACK!

Cut the bullshit, judges. Twelve seasons. IT’S A PROBLEM.

 

 

Kate

So congratulations, Kate! We’re clearly being treated to some form of redemption story with you, which is odd, because we’re pretty sure most viewers had no lasting impression of you after your season ended. But they’re really pushing the “Kate is a competitor with a second chance” storyline, so we suppose that means flaccid Westwood knockoffs (by way of Posen) are the kinds of things the judges love now.

 

Kahindo

And it’s a sad Auf Wiedersehen to Kahindo, who, if she’d stayed, might have won some sort of lifetime Most Versatile Hair on Project Runway award or something. This was, of course, pure bullshit. A relatively tasteful, low-key dress was treated like an offense unto fashion, while stripper clothes and Frankenstein gowns were either excused or praised. Pure crack-smoking nonsense. We can’t even get worked up because this is what the show has always done; removed the quiet ones so the loudmouths can stay longer.

Not that we love this dress or anything, but it was quite obviously nowhere near the worst thing on the runway. Boring, yes; but we wouldn’t even say it was the most boring of the lot either.

 

 

Sandro

Ridiculous. The acrobatics, contortions, and assaults on logic those judges had to commit in order to praise this was embarrassing to watch. She’s a tacky-ass ho, judges. You know it and we know it.

 

 

Dom

This surprised us, and we think it surprised the judges. It’s a little bedsheet-y, and the finishing leaves a lot to be desired, but it’s unique and pretty. If she can step up her execution, Philly Girl might be a contender.

 

Helen

Afterschool Special should’ve gotten raked over the coals for this, but it’s hard to yell at someone you just watched weeping in Tim Gunn’s arms. It’s an utterly horrible garment, from concept to execution.

 

Timothy

We’re loath to do this, but Sustainicorn’s dress isn’t the worst of the lot. His concept of a jewelry box had a lot of charm to it and even though the bust on this thing is one of the weirdest we’ve ever seen, the dress as a whole isn’t such an assault on the eyes. With some better execution and a more conventional bodice, this would have been perfectly fine. You can’t say that about Afterschool Special and Freddie Mercuryovich.

 

Alexander

We kind of love Drag Brows for his low-level bitchery. We want to sit next to him.

The dress has a sort of Studio 54-ness in its DNA that could’ve been chic, but it tips over into drag clothes too easily. He needs to tone down his more grandiose tendencies.

 

Justin

This is fine, and we did like the way he subtly used the blue amongst the black, but it’s a pretty dull design. Certainly no more exciting than Kahindo’s. Not that we’re suggesting this is auf’able; just that hers clearly wasn’t either.

 

Karen

Dull design; poorly made prom dress.

 

Bradon

Clear and obvious winner, but the judges don’t want to be too open about which one they’ve already crowned. It’s a gorgeous look and the jacket was truly eye-catching and unusual. He’s so obviously the front-runner, not least because he’s charming, adorable, stylish, and has a sophisticated backstory. The judges are so moist for him it’s not even funny, but for once, we don’t blame them.

Two words of advice, Bradon: Daniel and Vosovic. Nothing’s written in stone.

 

 

Miranda

Shyeah. Kahindo’s dress was tacky and dull, right judges? Pass that pipe this way. That sounds like some primo shit.

 

Alexandria

Unexciting, but very tasteful and surprisingly well done. With one good design, she could leap to the top of the judges’ favorite list because she also has the perfect backstory (Euro, former model, kind of a bitch).

 

Sue

She looks like she just climbed out of a swimming pool and is now standing in front of a wind machine.

But OH, KAHINDO’S DRESS WAS SO BLAH-FUCKING-BULLSHITTY-BLAH!

Bitches, please. Even a stripper would cock an eyebrow at this dress.

 

 

Ken

Pure drag eleganza. While that’s a compliment over on RuPaul’s set, it’s decidedly not one on this set.

 

Jeremy

Sweetie, we don’t mean to alarm you, but there is smoke positively pouring out of your vagina.

 

 

[Photo Credit: Barbara Nitke for Lifetime – Stills: tomandlorenzo.com]

Please review our Community Guidelines before posting a comment. Thank you!