Project Runway: It Starts with a Plummet

Posted on July 19, 2013

Okay, we admit it. We were a tiny bit disappointed it wasn’t designers being shoved out of airplanes.

 

Yes, yes. We know. Had they really strapped them all into parachutes and pushed them out a plane, it would have rightly been called an unequivocal shark-jump for the show by pretty much everyone. But we were so in need of something to generate excitement, and we started the first ten seconds of the season hating almost everyone, thanks to the Road to the Runway special, that there was a small, mean part of ourselves that just wanted to see some of these bitches scream in terror and wet themselves a little.

Just a little. Like a spot.

We’re terrible. We know. Fortunately, Kate arrived to provide an early, unexpected bit of comedy.

 

Because for no reason we could tell, she was suddenly all “OMFG YELLOW MUST HAVE ALL THE FUCKING YELLOW!!!!!”

 

“MUST HAVE IT!!!!!!!!! RAAAAAAA!!!!!!!”

Calm down, you freak. It’s a parachute; not your ticket to freedom, Katniss. No wonder everyone’s scared of her. She pretty much turned feral at the first sign of competition. We’re fairly certain if anyone got to that yellow parachute before her, she was going to rip out their throat with her teeth.

 

It’s just not Project Runway if Heidi doesn’t wear something ridiculous that Tim pretends not to notice.

There were many exciting new innovations in the Project Runway show model this season, and strangely, we’re not opposed to any of them. Sure, there’s a whiff of gimmick coming off some of them, but the show really was in need of a freshening up, and having Tim take a more active role in the judging process, as well as letting the judges see the garments up close, are both things we’ve been screaming about for years, along with a new runway set, which we finally got last night – and it’s both HUGE and brightly lit, praise Jesus.

The thing about Tim saving one designer from elimination is CRAZY-GIMMICKY, but the producers are really smart, because Tim is beloved by the show’s fans precisely because he has a history of publicly disagreeing with the judges’ decisions after the fact; sometimes loudly and borderline obnoxiously, bless him. This fits his personality as well as his history with the show. It works for us. As for the judges not knowing who designed what; we’ll see how that shakes out. For one, the designers are simply incapable of sitting there watching their work strut by without reacting to it – and they’re sitting a few yards away from the judges.

But of all the new elements and new twists in the show (The Belk Wall!), there is one we love above all others, and we look forward to seeing it deployed on a weekly basis. We are talking, of course, about…

 

The Floating Vulva Box.

Oh, IF ONLY we’d had the Floating Vulva Box back in the glory days of Jay and Christian and Santino, kittens! Think of what could have been and weep, but be thankful we’ve reached an age of technical wizardry where Floating Vulva Boxes are now the norm.

 

Oh, please. Freddy Mercuryovich.

We’re the Statler and Waldorf of reality competition blogging, bitch. We eat pathetic camera whores for snacks. We’ve seen it all. We are unimpressed.

 

Never before have we wanted to PUNCH A UNICORN IN THE FACE HARD as much as we did last night. God save us from pretentious children with ADHD and a list of buzzwords they know nothing about. We forgot just how exhausting those types were in college.

 

You know; the types who think they’re being so original and forward-thinking, when they’re really just the biggest walking collection of shallow cliches you ever saw in your life. THERE IS NOTHING “SUSTAINABLE” ABOUT ESCHEWING MAKEUP AND ELECTRICITY WHILE YOU’RE PARTICIPATING IN THE MASSIVE ENERGY AND FUEL SUCK KNOWN AS A REALITY TELEVISION SHOW, YOU … you special snowflake, you. We were going to say “moron” but thought we should probably get another cup of coffee before we start grading people on an intelligence scale.

 

Yes, that’s mean of us, but them’s the breaks, kid. You signed up for reality TV and then proceeded to act like a ridiculously obnoxious attention whore. Now cranky queens are making it their life’s mission to make you cry before this is all over.

 

Bradon

So congrats to Bradon! We were worried for a bit, because whenever a PR contestant shows up that causes T Lo to go “OOOOOOH, he’s CA-HUTE!!!!” Then you can bet the judges hate him and he’s going home early. But Bradon’s got “judges’ pet” written all over him in Sharpie. He looks the part, he’s got a sophisticated background, and he’s cute.
 
 
This is only so-so. We tend to think what really won it for him was the common sense idea to go for flow with this material. None of the other designers did that.
 
 

Angela

And it’s Auf Wiedersehen to pretend rocker chick/pretend former lesbian Angela! Kind of a shame, because we thought this had real potential. The hood was a great idea, and we liked the color blocking. Unfortunately, it was poorly rendered and kind of a half-assed look.
 
 

Sue

To our eyes, this was probably the best entry. It was certainly the one that looked the most like real fashion.

 

 

Miranda

This was also an excellent entry, but Diana Prince insisted on using too much of the black fabric and that pissed off Heidi.

 

 

Timothy

We felt so sorry for his model. This is “also a competition for her, as well,” as Heidi used to adorably say, and as a working model, she should be thrilled that she’s adding a television appearance to her resume. Regardless of what you might think about natural beauty and such, that’s not this girl’s job or dream. Her job is to model in a world that’s all about heightened and enhanced beauty. That means high heels, makeup, and set hair 99% of the time. He’s literally robbing her of the opportunity to showcase her talents in a competition. And then to go out and stand next to her in a pair of heels was just plain old obnoxious. Nina was glorious to call him on that.

Also that fucking “dress” is hideous. Burning synthetic materials is so far from the concept of sustainabilty it’s hilarious.
 
 

Sandro

Bless you, Zac. You finally got a Kors-worthy zinger in. Of course, if was so Kors-like (“She looks like a slutty cat toy!”) that we more-than-half-suspect it was a line fed to you.

It is an utter joke that he wasn’t sent home, but it’s totally to be expected. We kinda wish just once the judges would say “This garment offends the very concept of fashion, but he’s an entertaining and colorful character, so let’s just keep him for the fun of it.”

 
 

Alexander

Is this the drag queen guy? We’re confused. What was the deaf guy’s name again? Where is that nurse with our pills? We want a nap. Is it pudding day?

Oh, and this is awful. That skirt is weird.

 

 

Kate

Credit to the little werewolf when it’s due: she was right about the yellow. And she made a really cute dress out of it. We have no idea why this wasn’t in the top.

 

 

Helen

This is the tough chick who’s determined to make everyone hate her, right? Honestly, the cast gets more and more like an Afterschool Special every season. Anyway, the dress is weird, but she did some interesting things with the color blocking.
 
 

Dom

Philly Girl representing. We are damn impressed with her technical skill here, because these look like real garments and that jacket has a fairly decent number of time-consuming elements, rendered really well. Unfortunately, this look is discount department store. There’s no style to it.
 
 

Kahindo

The bodice is weird, but the skirt’s impressive.

This is the African lady with the cinnamon bun hair, right? We’re asking. There are just way too many goddamn designers.
 
 

Jeremy

English Gay Daddy! We remembered that one because we both said as soon as these pants walked out, “Oh, that is so London.” They’re not bad, but he ruined them by hanging all that hardware off them.

 

 

Justin

Deaf guy?

This is kind of costume-y and too retro for its own good.

 

 

Alexandria

Alexandria? There’s an Alexandria? Describe her to us.

This is actually not bad. A little too much going on, but it’s a modern, wearable garment.
 
 

Karen

Ugly and shapeless.

We have no idea who this is.

 

 

Ken

Drag-clown.

Is this the four-times homeless guy, the deaf guy, or the guy who survived cancer? Is that not a question that illustrates exactly where Project Runway is right now?

 

 

[Photo Credit: Lifetime – Stills: tomandlorenzo.com]

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