Kylie Minogue in Portofino

Posted on July 30, 2013

Because we have penises –

This is why you come here, darlings. Attention-getting opening lines.

Because we have penises (and no predilection for wanting to wear ladyclothes) even we, as fabulous as we are, sometimes look at a ladygarment and wonder…why?

Ladies, we’re asking you:


Kylie Minogue out and about in Portofino, Italy.


We honest-to-Coco, no-lie, a hundred percent DO NOT GET this outfit. We don’t think it’s horrible (although the shoes are); just that it’s such an odd and fussy look. It’s a table cloth with a hole for the head. And are we seeing those sleeves correctly? They cuff at the elbow (which sounds annoying) and then hang down a few inches past the cuff? And then she wears a weird romper-thing underneath that? And then belts the whole thing?

Ladies: Explain it to us. Not that Kylie Minogue has much in common with the average lady and the way she dresses to get through her day, but can you at least understand this outfit? Because we really can’t. There are cute summer B&W outfits with lace and shorts out there, but this is one weird iteration of the look. At least to penis’d people such as we.

But hey; her hair’s cute.


[Photo Credit: Kika Press/]

Please review our Community Guidelines before posting a comment. Thank you!

  • clatie

    I love those shoes – WITH ANOTHER OUTFIT.

    • The shoes are perfect for walking on cobblestones. They’d work for funerals, too. You have height and stability in one shoe.

      • MasterandServant

        I was also thinking- having spent a year working in Rome, those shoes are perfect for hoofing it on cobblestones! I have a collection of somewhat orthopedic sandals from that era of my life…..that I only purchased to I didn’t trip, fall, and kill myself on a regular basis. I actualyl have a pair strikingly similar from Spain.

    • porcupie

      They look like Swedish Hasbeens, or Lotta from Stockholms.

      • ItsDicey

        Yep, either one. Love.

    • Exactly. They would be great – though better in a darker leather – with a long hippyish skirt or a less-bizarre and fussy pair of shorts.

  • JenJW

    The bag is cute.

  • The lace overlay looks way too formal for a casual day look.

  • JDreesen

    because Kylie Minogue.

  • Ummmmm…this is a test and I am going to fail it…..but I will say the idea of the lace and the black is sort of Italian in feel. The shoes are tourist friendly. The hair, maybe because it’s hot and she frizzes. So maybe this outfit is a result of being on vacation, trying to pay homage to the region, and conceding to a certain level of skin baring expectation?

    • Just Me

      Let’s go with it…I was thinking modern day mafia widow out on the town. But, your explanation works too.

    • Lady Orwellian

      Mmmm.. yeah. That works. 🙂

    • embers618

      I agree it’s an Italian vacation outfit. A lot of historical places in Italy have a dress-code that limits the amount of skin you can show – you have to have sleeves and can’t show cleavage. This covers the dress-code if she stops into such a place, she can take off the blouse and have a belted jumper if she decides to go someplace more skin-friendly. I wouldn’t have chosen that particular blouse/jumper combo, for the reasons that TLO have listed above, but I have done similar layering while vacationing in Europe.

      Totally agree on the tourist shoes. I have a similar pair in black for that reason.

      • girliecue

        The tablecloth top might pass muster in a church but legs have to be covered to the knees or so. I wonder if this outfit is Dolce & Gabbana? Can’t imagine anyone else wanting to do ersatz Italian widow wear.

      • ankali

        This was exactly what I was thinking. Last time I was in Italy (in August), I got kicked out of a church for wearing a sleeveless dress, even though it was a maxi. I ended up buying a scarf to drape over my shoulders as needed for the rest of trip.

        Don’t like the color of the shoes, but I agree with others that they’re ideal for cobblestones. And they might look too heavy in black — maybe if they were silver or gold?

    • Little_Olive

      Absolutely. In fact, Im’a take yours and raise you… a reference to altar boys.

  • Karen Belgrad

    It’s like Fraulein Maria ran out of the curtains she was using for the Von Trapps and had to switch to tablecloths for Kylie.

  • oatmealpie

    I don’t have a penis, and I don’t get this outfit.

    • Rhonda Shore

      It’s bad 80s.

  • I sort of like it, actually. If she wore it at night with a clutch and better shoes, it could work.

  • MilaXX

    There is no rhyme or reason for women’s clothing. The only things I dislike about this look are the shoes and what looks like pockets on the romper thingy.

    • Sobaika

      There REALLY is no rhyme or reason. Not for women’s clothing and why our pants are sized the way they are.

    • RebeccaKW

      Same. Those shoes look identical to shoes my grandmother wore in high school. Only maybe this heel is a bit higher and a bit less square.

      I’d probably like the lace part without that black thing under there.

      • JanW

        Don’t know when your grandmother was in high school, but they totally look like shoes from the 70s. Everyone had this exact shoe back then.

        • RebeccaKW

          The 30’s. Her’s were white and of course worn with hose. She played basketball and there is a team picture, 20 ladies lined up on the high school steps, in matching sweaters and white skirts, and very similar sandals.

          • Qitkat

            High heeled sandals to play basketball in? I can’t stop laughing. But it sure sounds like an adorable picture. Love quirky old family photos.

          • RebeccaKW

            LOL, I imagine they had some sort of Ked-style sport shoe for the actual game. They probably did play in the skirts, though. I think the fancy shoes were for the photo.

        • YoungSally

          My thoughts exactly…..and since it is my b’day — I was feeling really old.

    • Tatiana Luján

      I don’t dislike the shoes, but I wouldn’t pair them with this outfit.
      As you, I don’t like the pockets in the romper/shorts., but I like the look in general.

      • MilaXX

        I think we all had some variation of those shoes. They’re okay, but as you mentioned not with this look.

      • largishbearishAtlish

        I don’t get the not like….its wearable, not bad, its cool in a summery short of way, it short..and its freagin
        Kylie Minogue… an icon in all but the U.S…. I say give her a sliver of a break….its not hideous…and she is in a city I have never heard of. so there.

        • largishbearishAtlish

          oh yeah, the shoes do suck.

    • kmk05

      I was going to say to T and Lo that they really need to be talking to the designers of big conglomerates and the like: because we’ve seriously been seeing this lace overlay thing on the high street for 2 (or is it 3) years already, and designers are going through every iteration of it. Tank top + lace? Check. Lace on its own? Check. Sleeveless lace? Check. Wide puffy sleeves lace? Check. All the above on dresses? Check. Now they’re down to the different types of lace.I’m not even going to try and understand why.

      Definitely agree, the only thing really unfortunate here are the shoes and those pockets. And also maybe the hair, a little bit: with the doily overlay, it’s kind of overkill.

      • Corsetmaker

        I’ve been glad to see it. A lot of the good lace being used in higher end garments is still made by relatively small companies with long heritages. They’ll have a had a real boost from the last couple of year’s fashion trends. As well as a return to lace in wedding gowns. Similarly I’m always delighted to see tweed, particularly Harris Tweed having a moment as it’s so important to the Island’s economy.

        • kmk05

          I’ve been loving the tweed! I wish designers incorporated it more seriously into womenswear, especially high street designers (so I could afford them!)

          I hadn’t actually realised lace had ever gone out of fashion in terms of wedding dresses. In the ME it’s been pretty consistent with pouffy dresses, tulle and lace for the past 25 years.

          • Corsetmaker

            Yes it did for a while, here in the UK anyway. I subscribe to a trade magazine and there’s been a real upsurge in lace since the Duchess of Cambridge’s dress. Wedding dress shop owners I’ve spoken to were struggling to sell lace dresses before, now they’re really popular again.

            I love Tweed too, and there’s been some really inventive uses of it lately. Especially in accessories. I’ve made a Harris tweed corset and skirt and it’s lovely stuff to work with.

  • MilaXX

    What’s cute is once she realized she was being photographed, she removed the bag from the more tourist friendly position. I kinda love that.

  • I don’t understand the flaps hanging down from the shorts. Otherwise, it’s an OK outfit. Just not my taste.

    As for the sleeves, it might be that she has pushed them up to make the blouse cooler and more summery.

  • Lori

    Ladies: Explain it to us.

    Can’t help you. This doesn’t make any more sense to me than it does to you. I wouldn’t be able to go 2 minutes without fussing with the idiotic sleeves and I don’t think anyone over the age of about 5 should wear a romper ever, let alone under a repurposed tablecloth.

  • alyce1213

    I see what attracted her to the top — it’s quite pretty, feminine and place-appropriate. I don’t know why she pushed up the sleeves like that, or where they were supposed to end if she hadn’t done it. I don’t get the black skorty thing underneath at all. Slim black pants would have been very chic and in better proportion to the top, but it was probably very very hot in Portofino.

  • Kate4queen

    Like it? I’d probably wear it. It’s just a funky kind of cover-up/ 🙂

  • Rand Ortega

    The collar is the only aspect that honestly bugs. Very heavy. The rest is lovely. Though, a white (like Ru’s yesterday) or black sandal would’ve worked much better.

  • Kathy_Marlow

    “honest-to-Coco” was just added to my vocab…

  • vickiefantastico

    I may be the only one, but I actually love it from the neck up. It’s kind of cool, summery, and romantic, perfect for an afternoon in Italy. The bottom half, however, is a total mystery. Are those shorts? A shirt? Skorts? Anyway, the bottom takes it oddly into grandma territory. If your grandma wore tiny shorts and ugly shoes.

    I might be attacked for this, as I know Kylie is a BK favorite, but she’s been looking like Rachel Zoe in the face to me lately.

    • demidaemon

      I don’t see it. At all.

  • MoHub

    Sorry. I have no explanation for this.

  • VioletFem

    The only thing I don’t get about this get up is the romper. I just can’t fathom wearing an article of clothing that requires I get totally naked when I need to use the restroom. Replace the romper with a simple pair of black shorts or slim black pans with a black sleeveless top similar to what she is already sporting, and I can get behind this outfit.

  • hughman

    I’m pretty sure her schnitzel house – “The Amazing Lace” – will be a huge hit across the globe.

  • conniemd

    Why? Because it’s Italy dahlings. Italy demands lace and out of the ordinary

  • ccinnc

    I like it (wish the shoe straps were black). And yes, cuffs at the elbow are super annoying.

  • imspinningaround

    The only explanation I can offer for the blouse is that it might be gigantic and the elastic-wrist sleeves may be so long (and the wrist openings too large for her little wrists) that she has them pushed up to her elbows so they don’t drag through her spaghetti con vongole.

  • Nikko Viquiera

    i like it! but then again, i have a penis.

  • JulieK

    She spent the night in a convent and it’s laundry day? I don’t know. That’s the only explanation I could come up with.

  • Angela_the_Librarian

    Guess she just felt like channeling a doily or decided on an interesting interpretation of a french maid’s outfit.

  • Paula Pertile

    It makes me think of those lacey dresses priests wear over their black cassocks.
    It looks scratchy.
    Love the shoes!

  • barbarienne

    I’m pretty sure your penises aren’t the problem, because I don’t have one and I’m a little confused, too.

    Hmmm. Maybe the sleeves were supposed to puff out more, be all floaty? That might improve this.

  • Jessica Freeman

    Females are no better than our gay uncles when it comes to this level of shittery.

  • Jennifer Peters-Ahnberg

    I’m sorry, but I have NO explanation for this.

  • Judy_S

    Explain to me about this penis thing. I think she looks cute, despite the Gretel hairdo. What better to set off a Gretel hairdo than a swath of really pretty tablecloth?

  • mmebam

    Really? This is the outfit that breaks you?

    I can’t explain it, but I do like it. With different purse and shoes.

    • mlle

      I like it too, and I’d make the same accessory changes as you. And I think I might also swap out the romper thing under-layer for something that was more clearly a dress.

  • amber.

    I think it would have been cute if the sleeves were shorter and those weird things weren’t hanging off of the pockets. It’s kind of like a lace shirt, which is cute, but the lengths are weird. I would wear that if the proportions were fixed.

  • I think it’s adorable!

  • i’m all for braided hair, but hers looks like it hasn’t been washed in a long long time, or she has a ton of ugly product in it. combined with the roots, yuck.

  • Donyelle

    It’s mid market Dolce and Gabbana

  • AmeliaEve

    She mugged an altar boy?

  • nannypoo

    This is a tragic outfit, but the hair is even worse. Roots, frizz and Heidi braids – there’s nothing good here. I do like her sunglasses.

  • ErmengardeGreen

    I am relieved to see other commenters admitting that they like the shoes. I like the shoes, and the bag is fine, and her head looks great. But aside the fact that that lace thing lets her be covered up and yet still revealed (does Kylie Minogue have any age-related arm concerns, or is she above such things?), the outfit looks pretty irredeemable. Itchy, confusing, Satan’s own torment to pee in.

  • crash1212

    I do not have a penis. I am a lady and enjoy wearing ladygarments. I have no explanation for anything that comprises this look. Except…maybe it was laundry day? I don’t even like the hair and the shoes should be burned.

  • RuthGo

    I have a vagina and the only thing that makes sense to me about this outfit is the shoes. They’re comfy and perfect for being out and about in an old European city full of cobblestones. Everything else? No idea.

  • Except for the sleeves I like it!

  • SewingSiren

    I love white lace and braid halos for Italy. And wood sole shoes for cobblestone streets too. But I’m not lovin the bag.

  • Qitkat

    It’s funky, weird chic modern and I adore it and her. I am amused by your penises having an opinion!

  • Diego!

    I like it but all separate. She should wear the lace shirt on another thing, the black mini dress in on of her shows and the shoes when she’s at the beach.

  • Ashley Ellen Wilson

    ok….I actually thought this was cute. I’d wear it (probably). I think it’s because it’s lacy and kind of whimsical and beautiful. That’s the lovely thing about opinions on clothes–I get to have one even if it doesn’t make sense. “Because of reasons.”

  • Scarlett O’Hara on acid? Using the summer curtains? I don’t know.

  • I must have a penis, too, because I don’t get it either! Blech!

  • mjude

    stop it kylie you are making our gay uncles weep.

  • sagecreek

    Am I the only one who thinks the shoes are cute?

    • formerlyAnon

      No. But I only think they’re cute because I had a pair just like them (except with the same heel but cork soles) in 1970-something that were cute, comfy and excellent to dance in.

      So it may not be valid to call them cute in 2013.
      ETA: 40 years! I’m talking about something that happened nearly 40 years ago! When did I get this old???!! (sorry. had a minor freak out there.)

      • sagecreek

        Right there with ya, FA 🙂

        (That’s probably why I like them, too.)

      • janierainie

        I am so there with you! I loved my shoes I had like that in the 70s.

      • rajf

        They are cute…40 years ago (I was there too) and now. In fact, I just read something somewhere about No. 6 clogs being worn (and these look like something they would make) by stars and other people who will pay $250+ for clogs (for crying out loud). As someone who is now limited to shoes that don’t flex, I’m ridiculously happy when I see ‘stylish’ people wearing something from the same universe that I’m consigned to…rest of her outfit, not so much.

      • housefulofboys

        Clearly, a whole generation of us owned and loved these shoes!

  • flamingoNW

    Can’t help you

  • formerlyAnon

    I like the top. Not for me, now, but during an era when I dressed more dramatically(?) I’m not very girly, but those scalloped points at the hem would have grabbed me – I’d have worn that top over a Capezio dance leotard and jeans, probably no belt, and braided my ass-length hair wet to get a cloud of pre-Raphaelite waves. Then butched the look up a little by eschewing a purse & hooking my keys into a back pocket with a double snap hook attached to a belt loop. Also, clunkier shoes – probably grey suede hiking boots (I’ve still got ’em) or Mia brand clogs, unless I thought I’d be dancing.

    The underlying romper thing, here, does not appeal.

  • janierainie

    It looks like she stole the lacy thing off an altar boy and shortened the sleeves.

  • MissKimP

    She’s in Italy; it’s hot; she’s planning to visit a church and needs to observe the letter of the law by having her shoulders covered?

  • Shawn EH

    The sleeves end in elastic, which she has pushed up to her elbows in an attempt at a cuff. Can’t explain the foldy, lumpen culottes. The shoes look comfy, which would be all that matter to me, penis owner that I am.

  • surfergirl70

    I can’t help you. I have no idea what I’m looking at.

  • Corsetmaker

    The lace is beautiful! So much lacism on here LOL! I’m not loving the shape of the top though, but the biggest problem is the bulky shorts under it. It needs to be over something slim fitting. If it was a vest top and slim black trousers or capris or even a tight black dress it would look a lot better.

  • Defo weird, but I actually quite like this.

  • 3boysful

    I just returned from Italy, and never wore anything remotely like this. Of course, neither am I an international superstar.

  • Portofino is a marvelous old city, lots of money, lots of boats, lots of artsy crafty stuff to buy. I think she went by a lace stand and got guilted into buying that white shmatte by an old Italian lady who spends all day tatting, and then got talked into wearing it to demonstrate how she was supporting the local economy. There is no other explanation.

  • I like the blouse, but the shorts/thing are weird. I also think the shoes are cute in a clunky swedish hippie sort of way.

    • formerlyAnon

      Hey Gaby – am I imagining it or is this the week of the Bar? Good luck!

      • Not imagining! Just finished. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

        • formerlyAnon

          YOU GO GIRL! Hope you have at least a week’s worth of fun stuff planned, and not just responsibilities you neglected while studying flat out.

  • Bethany Roullett

    I love this. Why do I love this? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s my love of victoriana. Dunno. It’s great though.

  • elemspbee

    those shoes–swedish hasbeens — are adorbs. mbe not with that outfit.

  • Trisha26

    Her hair is Heidi (of the Alps not the Runway) horrible, the shoes are cute-ish. I would guess the sleeves are elasticized and she has them pushed up and belled, the top itself is a tunic. I don’t hate this but I’d never wear it.

  • Pudgy Possum

    I’d let her alone this time; she looks cute/inoffensive.

  • jkatkins

    Sorry, fellas, but consulted the va-jay-jay, and no explanation of this look was forthcoming.

  • Pennymac

    Consulted my vag. It shrugged its shoulders. No clue.

  • Diana

    Believe it or not, those types of clogs have been in for a few years now (and very expensive of course) so that doesn’t surprise me. And the braid? You know, when it gets hot and you have long hair and you’re tired of having to resort to a ponytail, you will experiment with braids. You do you, Kylie. The outfit itself lost me at the belt, made it look to contrived.

  • quiltrx

    I’m afraid I have no explanation, uncles. The lace itself is pretty, if it were an overlay on a pretty dress. The sleeves are just weird (and make my forearms itch just looking at them), and the heaviness of the neckline ruins the airiness of the lace. Just weird.
    And Diane Kruger called–she wants her Swiss Miss hair back.

  • clairellis

    Don’t even care what she’s wearing. You said ‘Honest-to-Coco’ and ‘penis’d’. Day. Made.

  • Peeve

    Even without a penis, I can’t explain this! You’re right–it’s really fussy, and not terribly flattering.

  • Fish

    Not lovin’ the cissexist wording here, gents.

  • ItsDicey

    I will absolutely defend the shoes (though I’d get them in a bright color and wear them with something else) cuz they’re very comfy and cute. The rest? No bueno. Except the hair.;

  • It’s like a van Dyck exploded on her. It could be a cute look, but not as executed. This is for fall, with some tights and boots, not bare legs and hideous granny sandals.

  • She’s dressed like a flower child. All she needs is a long, gathered cotton skirt that is batiked and some brown laced-up boots. The black has to go; something white underneath. The sleeves are troubling. Some bell sleeves might look nice. I’m not sure about this fabric at all; it looks like it might feel scratchy. If it’s scratchy then the hippie look is out. Her hair looks odd. Not age appropriate. I sound insulting but there are hairstyles that I wish I could still wear, and I simply can’t.

  • Ginny Ellsworth

    This is the madonna/whore look in one dress. if she mactched the shoes it might have worked.

  • Candigirl1968

    It looks like a fancy rain poncho.

  • SayWTH

    Having just watched “The Sound of Music” for the millionth time (for me) with my daughter, I am getting a “Maria Von Trapp made the outfit with the lace curtains from the ballroom and the drapes from the Captain’s office for Gretl then decided she was going to wear it herself” vibe of the whole thing. In other words: no.

  • Aaminah Khan

    I dunno, I think it’s cute. It looks lightweight and comfy, but still cute and girly, which is very much her thing. Makes her body look great (which it already is), eye-catching, quirky…I’m not seeing the problem here. I’d consider wearing something like it.

  • Lily

    I love those shoes. And the dress. I think this is one for the ladies and we’ll just leave you confused. I’d wear this any hot day of the summer.

  • amanda lynn

    I’ve got a few shirts that are of the wispy material overlay variety, and I love them. They’re light and airy, and lets you still feel like you’re wearing a just a tank top, while keeping you a bit more proper. I’m plus sized, so I’d prefer to not go out in public wearing just a tank top unless it’s SUPER hot. I’ve also got some shirts that hit that length and I love them.

    I guess where I’m going is that I really like the outfit, I understand wearing it, and I wish I was more eloquent to explain why I like it. But I approve!

  • Eileen Washburn

    Don’t know why, but I’d wear it.