Jessica Alba on the Set of “Stretch”

Posted on July 31, 2013

Let’s play “Guess the Plot” again, kittens! Remember: no one cares if you can go to IMDB and find it out. That’s no fun.

Ready? We’ll go first.

 

Jessica Alba on the set of her new movie “Stretch” in Los Angeles.

“Jessica Alba plays Moira, a quirky, loser girl who has no friends and gets completely ignored by boys. Halfway through the movie, a black person, fat person, or gay person (possibly all three) will pull out her ponytail and force her to take off her glasses, whereupon she will discover for the first time that she’s beautiful.

Then she goes on a killing spree.”

Your turn.

 

 

[Photo Credit: Icono,PacificCoastNews.com]

    • Heather

      … in 1992.

    • oatmealpie

      Jessica Alba plays Tiffany, the Canadian version of Clarissa Explains It All.

      • Kristin McNamara

        I LOVE THIS. I grew up on Clarissa. I would so go see this.
        PS- Did anybody else almost fall out of their chair when they read the words “on the set of” in this post’s title? I thought she had been relegated to merely being a celebrity face for hire on red carpets?

    • Sarah Thomas

      Jessica Alba plays Piper, an elite CIA agent specifically trained to infiltrate international cat-suited jewel thief rings and the babe commando squads of Bond villains. But this assignment is different. This time, Piper’s target is a disaffected black-hat hacker at a suburban American high school. To catch her quarry, Piper becomes Jessie, a poorly-costumed high school outsider in her mid-30′s who fools no one, but ends up learning a lot about tolerance and love. In the end, there’s some statutory rape and an explosion. Viola Davis plays the principal.

      • Ten Ten

        Shut up and take my money RIGHT NOW, Sarah.

      • Chuck Barthelme

        And to think, I was just about to post that no one could top T Lo’s version…

      • http://dontmakeitlikeimdumb.blogspot.com/ annabelle archer

        “some statutory rape and an explosion” is so perfect, I have no words.

      • Kristin McNamara

        Almost like another movie she was in: Never Been Kissed. Minus the explosion part.

      • ampg

        “Viola Davis plays the principal.” Love it!

      • formerlyAnon

        I’d capture a time-date stamped version of this post and consider legal representation to prevent anyone selling the screenplay without giving you “based on an original idea by” compensation.

        Because this sounds better than 4 of the last 5 “summer fun” movies anyone I know has seen.

        • Sarah Thomas

          I’m not sure even I’d call my idea ‘original…’

      • drdarke

        When does your version hit theatres, @disqus_hpFr8sLTg6:disqus ?

        We all want tickets to the premiere! That way, we can show all those stars the right way to dress on the RC….

    • HomeOfficeGirl

      Super smart nerdy skater daughter of a marine biologist. Dad dies at sea in a research ship accident and all she has is a vile of DNA she wears on a chain around her neck and a clue he stuck in his old hunting jacket… ah, screw it.
      This is too hard/too easy. Anybody with little ones know Wild Kratts? She’s Aviva.

      • Maine1ac

        My plot was so close to yours! Brilliant but anti-social daughter of researcher for secret government agency who is kidnapped and only she can find him. And then something else happens..

    • mmebam

      Elaina is a witty, cynical hacker out for her daily cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee when she gets approached to help with the heist of a lifetime.

      • Jess5628

        I want this to be true.

        • Scimommy

          Me too. Except with someone else playing Elaina.

    • Isabel

      She goes back to the past to redo her teen years. “Big” for girls.

      • http://dorothydamage.wordpress.com/ Dorothy Damage

        Wasn’t Big for girls Thirteen Going on Thirty? Or Never Been Kissed…

    • DilettanteDeconstructed

      The hilarious brainchild of “Never Been Kissed” and “21 Jump Street” sees Jessica Alba as Jenelle, a young-looking rookie undercover FBI agent who has to relive her awkward teenage years when she goes undercover to catch a hipster-turned-coke dealer at a local high school. The twist: it was all a silly misunderstanding, and hipster dude takes Jenelle to the prom, where they share a romantic evening and live happily ever after – after she bags some local blatantly-bad biker types.

      • Imasewsure

        You are a genius… can we find a role for Dane Cook in here somewhere?

    • hughman

      “Ok, let’s hear it.”
      “Think ‘GI Jane’ meets ‘Mean Girls’. Emo mensa chick in a battle for her soul against the cheerleaders who fight dirty cause they fight in sync.”
      “I’m listening.”
      “She learns about war, about love, but mostly about 80s retro when she goes undercover to become one of them.”
      “Nice. Title?”
      “I’m thinking ‘The Pert Locker’.”
      “I like it. I’ll have my people call your people.”

      • http://dontmakeitlikeimdumb.blogspot.com/ annabelle archer

        I’m hyperventilating I’m laughing so hard.
        I thought “cheerleaders who fight dirty cause the fight in sync” was my favorite part. Then I got to title.

      • Jennifer Peters-Ahnberg

        I’d watch the shit outta that.

        “The Pert Locker.” Dying.

    • http://dontmakeitlikeimdumb.blogspot.com/ annabelle archer

      Wait. Someone gave Alba an acting job? But who will go to all those envelope openings and Des Moines Fashion Week?

      • zenobar

        With any luck at all, Tyra Banks.

      • VioletFem

        I think Hillary Swank is now the go to paid-for celebrity that attends envelope openings and random PR events.

        • http://dontmakeitlikeimdumb.blogspot.com/ annabelle archer

          Yeah, but with her, you gotta pay Oscar prices.

    • SewingSiren

      And you know she’s a computer wiz .

      • AnneElliot

        Of course. Because she wears glasses and high tops. Like Cosima on Orphan Black. I was going to suggest an Orphan Black rip-off, but no way could Jessica Alba pull off multiple personalities. “The Pert Locker” is much better.

    • zenobar

      Jessica Alba plays Lycra, a snarky thirtysomething single gal who suddenly realizes that life is passing her by – and to make matters worse, things just don’t snap back they way they used to! But Lycra gets a second shot at life and love when she has a “meet-cute” moment with Duv Cheney, the head of super-hip leggings empire America’s Apparels, and hijinx ensue as they team up against the takeover of yoga tights megalith MuMuMelon Ltd. Lycra’s heart expands three sizes and gets her butt-sprung groove back in “Stretch” – slated for release on 2-14-14.

    • JDreesen

      you had me at “killing spree.”

    • Carleenml

      Jessica Alba acts?

      • Diego!

        hahahahahaa best comment of the day!!! hahahaha xD

      • MilaXX

        not really

    • Jennifer Peters-Ahnberg

      Jessica Alba plays Emmaleigh, an aspiring trucker who pays her way through trucking school by working as a booth girl. She’s falling in love with her trucking school study buddy, and when her booth girl love interest ALSO enrolls in the SAME trucking school, Emmaleigh goes incognito as Margieleigh. Hijinks ensue.

    • anotherkate

      Those hipster glasses are surprisingly flattering on her! Somehow they made me look at her face in a new way, and re-appreciate her angles. Go glasses!

    • Diego!

      Jessica Alba plays herself in her teen years. Then she got discovered by a producer who shoots her career to the top (?) and she collects more Razzie Awards and nominations than a any other of the bad actresses we’ve been watching lately.

    • http://babesinthriftland.blogspot.com Babes in Thriftland

      She has an earpiece in so my guess is she is an international spy who goes back to high school to pose as a loser for some reason…

      • MilaXX

        under cover for the next Spy Kids movie?

        • zenobar

          Not to be confused with the Spy Toddlers franchise.

      • rajf

        I was going with spunky cub reporter for an alternative internet news network. I’ll let the more creative folks figure out the demographic audience for this news network.

    • Tatiana Luján

      My guess is she plays a hipster douche from Broklin that is forced to grow up and embrace her own personality.

      • histrogeek

        Damn you checked imdb didn’t you?

        • Tatiana Luján

          Jajajajaja, no, I didn’t. Did you?

          • histrogeek

            Of course not. But it’s funny that we can see the whole plot laid out so easily. Originality is so rare.

    • Glam Dixie

      Wait….Jessica Alba makes movies?

    • MilaXX

      UGH! I can’t even look at her without thinking about what her company tried to do to the Honest Toddler, not once, but twice!

      • zenobar

        That whole thing is so insane. I mean, literally insane…who would ever confuse the two? And then to throw in the slanderous remarks about how “difficult” it was to work with the blogger – what a shit way to behave.

        • MilaXX

          Especially when for all appearances the blogger was quite polite about the whole thing.

    • Erica_Vuitton

      I looked it up and ALL of these suggestions are far better than what the movie is actually about. Wow Hollywood is dead.

    • Kimmu

      Shit, Jessica Alba is dressed like me, complete with hipster nerd glasses. Maybe they’re secretly filming the story of my life without me knowing

    • histrogeek

      Jessica Alba plays Valerie Richards, daughter of Reed Richards and Sue Storm. She fights crime using the power of leggings and sparkly sneakers. Here she is preparing to deprogram a Doombot.

    • NOLA_gal

      Y’all are being way too creative. She’s a simple, shy movie make-up girl, who is given a starring role, when the movie star (I’m picturing Armie Hammer) pulls off her ponytail holder and glasses to discover the stunning beauty hidden underneath. Cue rainstorms and kissing in the rain. The End

      • DilettanteDeconstructed

        Are there dogs? Please tell me their dogs are the ones who bring them together on the set somehow.

        • NOLA_gal

          You’re absolutely right! She’s also the movie’s dog walker, because she loves dogs so much (I mean who doesn’t, right?) and they’re the only ones who understand her, until HE really SEES her. Without the glasses and ponytail.

    • NoveltyRocker

      The imdb on this offers zero insight into what all is happening here. And get those delicately smudged chucks with their like-new, inches high soles out of here!

    • Karen Belgrad

      I was going to guess a remake of “She’s All That”

    • Anplica Fiore

      Meet Roaree, the most popular girl in the National Geographic mail room. She does it all from answering the office phone researching the mating habits of local baboons. Today, Roaree is ready to go on a nighttime photo shoot of a pack of wild hyenas and she discovers that they are not crazy, but are just misunderstood. She takes them all out for pizza, then falls in love with and marries the leader of the pack.

    • Qitkat

      A female veteran of a bomb squad unit in Afghanistan returns to civilian life, only to discover she can’t shake her fondness for camo and sturdy shoes. At least twice a day she heads to the gym to maintain her toned body. Her cute roommate is secretly in love with her, but all they really share is a fondness for overly large glasses. Her ambition is to become a long-distance truck driver, using the CB handle Da Bomb Mama.

      • Qitkat

        EDITED TO ADD: David Hasselhoff (thanks @ViolaZuppa:disqus ) is the owner of the trucking company, named Knight Industries (of course), and drives a Pontiac Firebird Trans Am (of course 2). He takes a “special” interest in our young lady, nicknaming her Kit (of course 3), and decides to personally train her. She quickly learns the ropes, he is smitten and falls in love. They honeymoon in Hawaii (of course 4), and both decide to change their lives, becoming beach bums and lifeguards (of course 5). He sells his company to the cute roommate, who promptly sells it again, using the money to set up a wildly successful web series, Bitch Stole My Woman. She travels to Hawaii to confront them, gets caught up in a rogue wave, and drowns. Her will reveals that all her money has been donated to a charity helping land mine victims. The film is critically panned, but so wildly successful at the box office it sweeps the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards. David Hasselhoff is knighted by the Queen, in spite of not being a British subject. Jessica Alba re-enlists in the army, wracked by guilt, and tries to put the whole (k)nightmare behind her.

    • marlie

      Set in the 1980s: Nerdy outcast will finally learn to embrace her inner diva/beauty queen when she learns to stop hiding behind frumpy clothes, glasses and a non-hairstyle.

      • zenobar

        PLEASE tell me there will be a shopping/makeover montage.

    • Gloriana Reginata

      Peppy young animal rights protester Lyla Ward finds herself stranded on a backwater planet where all the colour is slowly being leached out of the environment by rogue chemicals. Running cross country, ponytail flying behind her, she is captured by the local equivalent of Tarzan, who joins her in her mad dash to reverse the chain reaction and Restore The Hue!

    • eccoyle

      Just so you know, if you google “stretch Jessica Alba” this page is the top hit and the movie’s IMDB page is not even on the first page. I can’t wait for this to hit netflix.

    • Katie Redhead

      Rorie Cassel considered herself a “rebel without a cause” until she was tracked down by an activist buddy from high school, and unexpectedly found herself leading a pack of former occupy wall street hipsters to mastermind the shutdown of the US financial systems.

      With the help of her new socially-minded friends, Rorie sheds her glasses and her early 90s wardrobe for sustainable, locally made fashion and non-animal tested makeup. This gives her the confidence to try and seduce her way into the NASDAQ server room to be able to destroy the NASDAQ trading servers and “stick it to the 1%”. But when she meets the hunky Chief Information Officer in charge of NASDAQ computer security on her mission to bring down the system – she realizes she might not mind if he were to “stick it to her” instead.

      Rorie decides it’s not enough to just hack into his computer system and shake up the nation, she’s also got to hack into the CIO’s heart, and help him find love and compassion and the ability to completely get over her ultimate betrayal since she’s totally hot and morally superior.

      Can they all find the happily ever after they deserve? One thing’s for sure, it’s a: STRETCH!

    • Inspector_Gidget

      Is she supposed to be 14 in this flick? She looks like she’s ready to guest star on a Nickelodeon show.

    • JuliaInBlack

      Jessica Alba guest stars as Cosima’s long-lost cousin, Seraphina. Does Dr. Leekie know about her? Is she here to replace Delphine as Cosima’s monitor? Or is she… duhn duhn duhnnn…. a clone, too? FIND OUT NEXT SEASON ON ORPHAN BLACK

      • Glam Dixie

        I had a similar thought about her looking like Cosima or perhaps she just stole Cosima’s glasses.

    • miscorrections

      Honey (Alba) is a girl from the streets who works in a record store, teaches
      the occasional dance class at a community center, and treks downtown
      every weekend to hit the clubs and try out some new moves. There, she
      meets a music video producer (David Moscow) who offers her a chance to
      be a choreographer — but at a price she eventually learns she’s
      unwilling to pay. Determined

      to pick herself back up, Honey goes back to the inner-city of her youth with plans of starting a dance school.

      …wait.

      • decormaven

        Snaps!

      • kimmeister

        I was thinking it was the Honey sequel myself.

    • http://violazuppa.wordpress.com ViolaZuppa

      As another FYI, I peeked at the IMDb page and David Hasselhoff is listed in the cast. Might want to add that little fact to your already hilarious plot synopses.

      .

      • YourBaloneyDontGotNoSecondName

        “David Hasselhoff is in it” IS the plot synopses.

        • veleri

          this comment deserves a special award.

      • kimmeister

        It’s already a hit in Germany!

    • Louise Bryan

      Jessicash is a wannabe hipster nerd geek yogini, who works with an under the radar hacker group employed by the CIA to take out China through the mother of all cyber-attacks.

    • iheartbuffy

      She’s a Sarah Lawrence College graduate who studied the art of basket weaving and 18-th century Japanese feminist poetry. Now she doesn’t know what to do with her life, so she decides to be a commando and is having trouble breaking with her hipster image. Then she saves the world from an alien invasion. Basically Private Benjamin – Hipster style

    • Rand Ortega

      These are all so much better than the actual plot of this movie.

      • formerlyAnon

        Of course.

    • silaria

      What are you talking about? This is how she always dresses. XD

    • decormaven

      Jessica Alba plays Monzie, a graffiti artist who gains notoriety by painting pornographic cartoon images about the city. James Franco is the city employee who goes to eradicate her art. She follows him, then sketches him into her next tag. They meet cute, and romance blossoms.

    • Jacqueline Wessel

      Whatever it is it’s obviously shot in black and white.

    • RebeccaKW

      She is a computer genius, a cracker and a gamer, something like that. When she’s not online, she’s at the local diner eating far more calories than possible for her trim figure, with her fellow computer buddies. Someone suggests they ‘get back at’ some major conglomerate by hacking into their system and stealing 2 billion dollars. The company sends hitmen after them and the rest of the movie is them fighting to save their lives and keep the money. The movie ends with her on the beach in her string bikini with the only other survivor of her group, now her lover, who happens to be incredibly hunky under his Superman tshirt and cargo shorts.. And also incredibly buff for someone who spends 20 hours online.

    • MemHey

      It is 1989. She is an undercover agent for the CIA who is investigating teen drug culture by attending high school, becoming a reporter for the school paper, then accidentally falling for the captain of the football team. How will she avoid the court case?

      • sekushinonyanko

        It is now and she is doing exactly that, but because her last idea of what was cool happened in the 80s, and her tumblr research told her the 80s are back she just drug some stuff out of her closet and shockingly mostly fits in among her horrible target demographic.

    • http://gabyrippling.tumblr.com/ Gaby

      Haha, up until the killing spree those were my thoughts exactly.

      • http://gabyrippling.tumblr.com/ Gaby

        (Because she looks like an updated version of Rachel Leigh Cook in She’s All That.)

    • formerlyAnon

      Whomever she’s playing, the chick is quirky, plucky, probably smart, and is, through the events of the movie, to blossom and find at least two of the following: her avocation (which is rewarded monetarily in a statistically unlikely way), true love, self confidence, gainful employment, and/or a rapprochement with family or friends with whom she was once close and by whom she has felt rejected.

      I’m getting a lightweight, young adult/teen movie vibe somewhere between Ann Hathaway in The Princess Diaries and Parker Posey in Party Girl.

    • ThaliaMenninger

      A big bad general (think Brigadier General Jack T. Ripper) finds out that a video game player/hacker has compromised his new ultra-secret, ultra-rogue drone system and GASP! she’s a girl. He and his men kidnap her to find out what she knows and when she knew it but she and her friends Velma, Daphne and Shaggy foil the kidnapping, turn off the bombs/drones/whatever, get to the president (played by David Hasselhoff) to rat out the rogue general and teach them all an important lesson about girls, computers and war.

    • quiltrx

      So there’s no way I can beat the Uncles and the stuff in the comments, so I had to check IMDb. The plot is basically “movie that Patrick Wilson will want to disavow ever being in.”
      (seriously, at first glance he’s the only one with ANY acting chops…AND it’s a comedy. Sigh.)

    • d4divine

      Isn’t her outfit skewing a little…no…A LOT young?

      • veleri

        basically, that’s how I always dress. .__.
        and I am thirty .____.

        * goes in the corner and starts crying*

        edit: am I still allowed to post comments?

    • conniemd

      Jessica Alba plays the daughter of a “Storage Wars” veteran who is murdered by a competitor and takes to the bidding wars to discover her father’s murderer, as well as the secret plans for an invisible plane that was bought unbeknownst by her father in a bin and is sought by some Chinese and Russian spies.

    • eight_of_nine

      I kind of love this outfit, with only the tiniest bit of irony.

    • A Shiny O’Connor

      Jessica Alba plays ‘Stretch’, the high school’s angry outsider. After graffiti-ing cartoon ‘selfies’ of the top jocks in romantic embraces in the boys bathroom, she is sentenced to a months detention on the cheer-leading squad. One of her targets, the quarterback, Chad is initially put off by the moody and abrasive ‘Stretch’ only to discover that the real person, ‘Stacey’, is a stunning and talented artist who’s troubled background has made her lose her belief in colour.

    • stubbornthoughts

      Alba plays a high school nerd who ISN’T a hipster but is friends with a bunch of guys and guys who all wear plaid. She’s the special one in camo. They’re all on the school’s dance team, but everyone thinks they’re losers because none of them are aware that dance is mainstream now. But the dance nerds are really good, and, after Alba’s character “Twerk” finds out she’s got a hot bod under that camo jacket during a car wash fundraiser, they’re able to drop the cash and compete in a national dance competition. Channing Tatum plays their rival schoolmate who’s rich and didn’t need a fucking car wash to raise money, because his boarding school dance squad always rules the competition. Alba and her crew show up, no more glasses (except for that one black guy cuz it’s cool) and lots of skin showing. They knock it out of the park. Twerk & Co. win the trophy, but then – because she’s still a nerd at heart – she goes all Mean Girls and breaks the trophy in half to give to Tatum’s peeps. They totally fall in love. Make-out, fade out, credits.

    • demidaemon

      Jessica Alba finally gets a “real” acting job and eschews making appearances in lieu of trying to sell her next stinker of a movie.

    • librarygrrl64

      Ugh, fake nerd-girl glasses. :-(

    • kalisa

      …in the 80s.