Armie Hammer in Salvatore Ferragamo at the “Lone Ranger” Premiere

Posted on July 19, 2013

Oh, this just makes us want to cry.


Armie Hammer attends the “Lone Ranger” Japan Premiere in Tokyo in a Salavtore Ferragamo light grey 2-button custom made suit with peak lapel.

It also makes us want to plug our book again because there’s a bit in there about dressing for premieres long after you’ve realized the show’s a flop. Also: because we’re venal and mercenary and will piggyback off someone else’s career setbacks to pick up a dollar. Unfortunately, the bit in the book revolved around lady-dressing, so we have no advice for Armie except to cheer up, shave, put on a bright orange tie, and ask your assistant to pack more Visine.

Don’t worry, kid. You’ll get them next time.



[Photo Credit: Atsushi Tomura/Getty Images]

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  • YourBaloneyDontGotNoSecondName

    Damn, he looks rough.

  • Jeremiah Capacillo

    Aw he looks like he’s been crying! 🙁

    • Rand Ortega

      Wouldn’t doubt it. The movie cost $215M & it’s tanking. Hard.

      • par3182

        But he didn’t pay for it…although he probably could.

        • Rand Ortega

          Yep. Mr. Heir to the Armand Hammer fortune!

  • marlie

    Oh, he looks MISERABLE.

  • Danielle L

    There, there. I’ve got a shoulder (and chest, and thigh, and…) you can cry on.

  • StellaZafella

    “Lets’ get this over with, please?
    (Why didn’t Johnny have to do this pole dance? It’s HIS movie)!”

    • YoungSally

      ’cause Johnny had a nice rider in his contract I guess.

    • MilaXX

      They sent him to the chat shows.

      • demidaemon

        That seems slightly counter intuitive, as I always thought he was pretty popular in Japan. This sort of look tends to bore the Nipponese to tears. Armie also lacks the eccentricity they love as well.

  • Lotus Baby

    this makes me want to cry too :'( while i’m on my knees, choking on his beautiful pink manhood. dick-tears we call them.

  • crash1212

    Looks like this look makes him want to cry as well.

  • eowyn_of_rohan

    “Go on, do a movie about a character nobody’s cared about for a generation, they said. It’ll be a hit, they said.”

    • MilaXX

      said exactly nobody.

    • Rand Ortega

      Insult Native Americans by having onto (which means fool in Spanish btw) played by a non Native American. Box Office Gold!

      • demidaemon

        My understanding (though this may be complete BS, so take it with a grain of salt) is that Johnny Depp got the blessing of the Navajo to play this part and was officially inducted into the tribe. Again, may be total BS, but I doubt, even if this factoid is true, that the general populace knows or gives two shits–it’s still borderline offensive (although my dad seemed interested in the movie, but he may have been under the influence of pot at the time.)

        • Rand Ortega

          Amazing what 5 millions dollars will do to speed up an “adoption”. This film, if you read the backstory on it, was a wild hair up Gore Verbinski’s ass that Disney allowed him to scratch because of the $3B success of the “POTC” movies. It was cancelled twice because the budget had ballooned to nearly $300M but they whittled it to $215-250M depending whose accounting you believe, & plagued by outbreaks of chickenpox & a stuntman was killed. There was really no interest in the characters by anyone under 35 years old, but the same thing was said of “POTC”– ‘it’s a ride, who would want to see a movie about a ride at Disneyland?’ So they took a chance. They believed their core audience would overlook the whitewashing of the Tonto character because it’s Johnny Depp & bring their kids who love him. Audiences are too sophisticated to buy that reasoning anymore. It’s why “Prince Of Persia”, “The Last Airbender” et al failed.

          • CT14

            Be fair. “The Last Airbender” failed because Shyamalan not only white washed the characters, he also sucked the life out of the cartoon.

          • Rand Ortega

            True ‘dat!

    • susan6

      Two words: Iron Man. (But to be fair, Robert Downey Jr was pretty much made for that role, and has more charisma in his nail clippings than this guy has in his entire body.)

      • Rand Ortega

        Exactly. Armie who?

  • amber.

    He looks just as boring as his acting style. *sips tea*

    • ankali

      Aw, he was really good in The Social Network. Poor guy.

  • frannyprof


  • Ann VerWiebe

    “But… I thought this was my franchise!” (I would say meal ticket – but he’s fine)

  • MilaXX

    He just comes across as dull. But seriously, how did you read a script for a remake of The Long Ranger and really think it was a good idea.

  • Deac82

    next time? He isn’t going to happen. TLR + Mirror, Mirror = dud.

  • kimmeister

    I do like his artfully tousled hair.

    • filmcricket

      Yes, neckbeard aside his head really looks good. I think he needs a bit of stubble on his face or he looks too blandly pretty, just needs to shave the neck.

  • Little_Olive

    I was holding on with my fingernails to his The Social Network wake, but the waves are stopping and we’re starting to sink here.
    C’mon Armie! Rescue yourself! Dress better! Apply for a character role! Throw the pipe away! What does Jake Gyllenhaal have that you don’t?

  • Inspector_Gidget

    Honestly, I don’t think many people are going to hang this on his head. This is, after all, the movie with the posters that read JOHNNY DEEP IN “the Lone Ranger”, with Armie half cropped out of the side of the picture.

  • Imasewsure

    He has such a sweet face… bland but very attractive… the suit should be returned to Seth Rogen though… on to the next poledance!!

  • clairellis

    He should just finish out this pole dance for this train wreck of a movie by doing the rest of it naked.

    • quiltrx

      I am totally for this idea. How do we contact his manager?

      • clairellis

        I don’t know. Can we Google it? I think we need to make our request heard!

  • conniemd

    That tie is bizarre. I totally feel that men’s ties in 2013 have completely jumped the shark, and I totally love ties and would celebrate the more brilliant, colorful and artistic ties. The ties this year are brought to you by the letters D and B for dull, dark, bland and black.

  • Just Me

    There is not one thing about him that says movie star in these pictures. Dude, suck it up and put on your big boy face. Let Will Smith light the way. His last movie was crap too, but you don’t see him looking like someone killed his cat.

    • Airkisses


    • decormaven

      Truth! Dear, it’s called acting. You are an actor. ACT like you’re glad to walk the RC, and maybe someone will hire you for a better picture next time. I don’t see an actor here.

  • fairi5fair

    He’s truly handsome but needs a belt.

    • veriance

      he should also remove his hands from his pockets fcol!

  • GorgeousThings

    Armie has a sad. And I don’t blame him. Where’s JD?

  • frannyprof

    A depressing end to an unusually unsatisfying and limp Sausage Friday.

  • Fordzo

    Oh, Armie. Don’t look so sad. I predict that this movie will be popular outside the US.

  • SpillinTea

    In the words of Joanne in Precious, this boy is FLUORESCENT BEIGE. As cute as he is, there is nothing remotely interesting about his look.

  • Belvane

    But still, he’s got the pretty Galadriel-light eyes working for him.

  • DamH

    Ohw..but he is so cute;(

  • formerlyAnon

    Re: Book.

    Book Tour?:

    THE Book tour destination in Austin, TX is an independent store called Book People. You could make a note. Just sayin’


    I expect advice on how we strategize our buying to give y’all the most buzz, (not to say NYT best seller status.) If issuing this advice yourselves strikes you as inappropriate, I am sure there are publishing savvy BKs able to speak up.

    Re: Mr. Hammer:

    I do l like the tie. Sadly, I believe the heart has gone out of him. Or the stylist and personal assistant minion were laid off. What is UP with that shirt? No iron?

    • travelingcat

      I second the vote for a book signing at Book People. My favorite store on earth.

  • Richard Banger

    I feel like I want to give him a hug….

    And then undress him and let him do things to me that are illegal in many countries.

  • quiltrx

    He does look like a sad, pretty thing, doesn’t he.
    Maybe if I could get my fingers all tangled in his hair, which he is making me SO want to do, he would feel better.

  • quiltrx

    Man, I was so upset by his sad…I just now noticed that HYSTERICAL fake wall behind him! Look behind you, Armie! It’ll cheer you up!

  • demidaemon

    This is just sad, all around. There, there, Armie You’re still cute, and hopefully, the studios don’t hold your faith in Johnny Depp against you.

  • leftcoastpickle

    He’s so pretty.

  • mmebam

    Armie Hammer Gives Up

  • MannahattaMamma

    Can a person feel sorry for a person who is beautiful, rich, lives on his own tropical island, and gets freebies from Ferragamo? I think that actually a person can…

  • I honestly didn’t know who he was when I heard about the movie which doesn’t excite me because I think, Oh, Johnny Depp in makeup again. And why is a white guy playing Tonto anyway?

    So here’s my first good look at Armie. OMGosh. He’s a pretty man, isn’t he? Put him on the cover of People. He is simply gorgeous, even by Hollywood standards.

  • ItsDicey

    He’s such a complete snoozefest.

  • Bless his heart.

  • Kewtwo

    Since it appears this light gray suit translates as sad, perhaps everyone will enjoy the scarlet suit he wore to the London premiere. And no, he is not pole dancing alone. Depp has done his duty in Japan, Germany and England.

  • MartyBellerMask

    At least he is cute. Very, very cute.

  • lalahartma

    That stance makes hims look like he has child bearing hips.