Heidi Klum Cannes Double Shot

Posted on May 24, 2013

All right, enough with the boys. Let’s get a lady all up in here for some judgment. Miss Heidi will do nicely, since she always gives us something to tsk about.


Heidi Klum attends the premiere of ‘Nebraska’ during The 66th Annual Cannes Film Festival in a Versace gown paired with Christian Louboutin sandals.

Christian Louboutin Un Palace Sandal

It’s about what one would expect from Heidi. That sounds kind of bitchily dismissive, but it’s not meant to. Really, she looks great. It’s on th tacky side of things, but that’s exactly the kind of look she’s best at working. Come to think of it, we’re a little surprised she doesn’t wear more Versace. It really is tailor-made for all her strengths. The fact that this is white goes a long way toward preventing it from being too much. Also, the fact that Heidi’s wearing it, since she made her name wearing outrageous things and making them look sexy.

There’s not much we’d recommend changing here. The slit’s a bit too high (no surprise there) and the heels a bit too clunky, but otherwise, it’s pretty much Perfect Heidi.


Heidi Klum attends amfAR Cinema Against AIDS during The 66th Annual Cannes Film Festival in a Marchesa gown accessorized with De Grisogono jewelry.

Marchesa Spring 2013 Collection/Model: Nele Kenzler

But she missed the point on this one completely. She had the skirt underneath shortened to a more Heidi-like length, but this dress, from Marchesa’s India- and sari-inspired collection, really only works if the underskirt has some length to it. You take that away and the proportions go wrong. Plus the styling’s not so hot. Those earrings just plain don’t go and the shoes would not have been our first choice. A dress like this gives someone like Heidi a chance to break out of their normal routine. She could have gone a more exotic route with her jewelry choices and chosen a pair of interesting sandals. That’s how we would have played it. Not, like, a bindi or anything like that; just maybe some precious stones or more unusual designs and materials; bringing the glitter down to an earthier level. Maybe some hand jewelry, if that doesn’t wind up looking too cliche. Either way, this was not the dress to go the conventional sexy and glam route.


[Photo Credit: Getty, style.com, christianlouboutin.com]

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  • HomeOfficeGirl

    Yeeaahh… the shoes in the first are making her legs seem a little chunky. THAT should be damn near impossible.
    Heidi has the most gorgeous smile – forgives her myriad of fashion sins every time.

  • That dress in the second picture looks like a wedding veil for a potbelly.

    • JosephLamour

      I thought vulva ruffle.

    • Introspective

      Or a preggers one (can someone say shotgun!) either way look 2 is not good. Look 1 is pretty fab even if tacky and despite the bad shoe choice.

      But look 2 does nothing for her. And if it does that to Heidi what the hell could it do to my mere mortal physique?

      • Lori

        Yeah, the overskirt on that 2nd dress is not flattering to anyone who is not actually gestating.

  • Deb_Lynn

    Go home, gold-bedsheeted Heidi, you’re drunk.

  • charlotte

    Mayor of Tackytown.

  • l_c_ann


    Meet James Franco.

    Here’s a 50 Euro note. Go buy yourselves some shampoo and conditioners. Maybe some coloring to touch up your roots.

    Now go share a bath with Mr. Franco in a luxury suite overlooking the med. Make lots of suds in each others hair. Rinse often.

    Now, there, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

  • aahlife

    Heidi in the Marchesa, besides it being too short, there is discord. Bright red nails, emerald earrings, different metals in the jewelry and shoes. She has never been good at the details.

  • marlie

    I hate the heels on her first gown. They’re straight out of 1998. Also, the dress is typical tacky Heidi (I don’t necessarily mean that in a bad way), but a slightly lower slit would have been better.

    The second… that was one of the few dresses from that Marchesa collection that I didn’t like. I know, Marchesa is typically overwrought, and too fussy, but I love it. But I think the paleness of the dress and the gold accents call for some bolder jewelry, and not the earrings that she has on.

    • IamstillAnonymous

      As bad as they are, the shoes in the first look might look better if they fit. Her big toes extend beyond the end of the shoes.

      • marlie

        That is a HUGE peeve of mine about the shoes. But even the thick heel… I had shoes with heels like that, and with the thin strap across the front – YEARS ago, and I hate to see them “back.”

  • Anniebet

    First look – can’t help wonder how much those earring weigh. Otherwise, like Uncles said, typical Heidi.

    Second – My first thought was “Fuck, she had them chop off the skirt, dammit.” Ruins a beautiful gown. She totally doesn’t get it, does she? That dress was begging for a top notch styling job that stayed true to the design.

  • First dress is the embodiment of Eurovision. But she is a week too late.

    • Malve Lyborg

      Too long for that… Some of the ESC-dresses looked too short even for Heidi.

      • I meant as a representaion of the event itself. She’s the stage and effects and all the glitter and everything.

  • Tatiana Luján

    either on the runway version or on the Heidi version, the Marchesa dress makes people look pregnant.

  • The first look seems a little Vegas, save the length. That second dress is pure vagina curtains.

  • joancarol

    The second dress looks like something to house the Eucharist at Mass.

  • Coco Cornejo

    About that first dress, what are you? In competition with a billboard in Times Square? JEEZUS.

  • The Marchesa dress is horrible, and she made it worse.

  • aeb1986

    I wonder if the runway versace dress had a slit at all. i bet she added it

  • sweetlilvoice

    Those earrings in dress #2 are some of the ugliest I’ve ever seen. And I like big jewelry! Dress #1 is stunning.

  • Damien W

    The first dress is a message to Seal — “This is what you’re missing now, punk!”

    The second dress is just a giant fabricated vajayjay.

  • AnniNoone

    Without the extra length in the underskirt, the draping becomes reminiscent of gigantic labia. And then, my terrible mind jumps straight to “…mother of four,” and that’s not what you want from your outfit, Heidi.

  • You know, Kim Basinger worked Look No.1 at an Oscar’s ceremony in the 1980’s (don’t remember which one) and Heidi looks like a slightly updated version of that look…don’t know if that’s a good thing or not though. Look No.2, hmm, it’s doing nothing for her. I know she likes gold things but with the blonde hair and tanned skin, it just comes off quite tacky. Great smile on her though.

    • maggiemaybe

      Exactly! It’s the Kim Basinger Oscar dress! Ah the 80’s…

  • MilaXX

    The first one kinda works in a Heidi over the top way. Hate the earrings but otherwise okay look. Second is a trainwreck full stop. Earrings don’t match, shoes don’t work and she ruined the line of the dress by shortening the underskirt. Also her face looks like she’s been in the sun too long.

  • Very, very few people could wear that second dress well; it adds so much weight to the hips. The shape is flat-out awful.

  • Carla_Charlton

    The first one screams Vegas showgirl. The second one has a homemade look to it. There’s something endearingly unsophisticated about Heidi….

  • Janet B

    1. Fresh and pretty Heidi
    2. Short and shiny Heidi, missed the tight.

  • E. D.

    UUUGGGGHHHH. That second dress and any patterns used to develop it need to be burned.

  • Louise Bryan

    #1 — Bedazzling!
    #2 — OMG, what were you thinking?

  • copper

    Sorry the second one looks like a five year old trying to wear her widowed grandmother’s best sari. Marchesa — your mockery of indian culture is almost offensive.

  • frannyprof

    The Marchesa dress looks like a big ol’ vagina.

  • The second is totally screwed up and looks ridiculous.

  • cowper

    Disco ball, then Cleopatra costume.

  • msdamselfly

    I think the second one is so much better than the first. She looks so fresh and happy!

  • guest2visits

    I like the back of the white dress better than the front.
    The second dress would have been really wonderful if she could have resisted hacking it short.
    And it’s almost a crime that she missed pairing some gorgeous Indian inspired jewelry with it.

  • demidaemon

    I think the second one looks like a BF-UD as many Marchesa dresses unfortunately trend. The first one immediately reminded me of candy dots turned into a dress, but Heidi’s working those candy dots well.

  • jenno1013

    The edging of the overskirt in the second dress looks like thermal blanket binding from a distance, and thereby ruins the rich effect.

  • I agree w/ TLO totally on the 1st AND 2nd looks. I personally like the heel of the Louboutins, being that they are jeweled and ?acrylic? can’t squint enough to see. I HATED the green craft project earrings on look #2.

    • Bklynface

      Craft project! Just noseleaked my coffee! Ouch

  • I love the first dress on Heidi. Her hair looks pretty. Nothing to complain about.

    It’s too bad she shortened the second dress; she ruined it.

    Not everything is about showing curves.

    • Eric Stott

      If only it was just about showing curves.

      • Fashion is about elegance and style and making a woman (or man) beautiful. Sometimes the blending of fashion with Hollywood and/or Music lowers the standards of fashion by removing all elegance. For instance, a model is a mannequin that shows off the designer’s clothes. A celebrity may ruin the intentions of the designer by over-tightening or over-shortening. Usually, we’ve all seen a particular celebrity’s legs or boobs. Occasional modesty can be very attractive. Heidi isn’t the worst offender, by any means, but IMO she’d look so beautiful if she’d left the original length of the skirt. In a way, Heidi should know better because she has been a professional model/mannequin.

  • Buffy

    yeah that last one was wrecked with the shorter skirt and the earrings are heinous

  • ashtangajunkie

    I especially love the first dress from the back. From the front it’s not my favourite, but I still like it okay. I am not a fan of the second look, but her face is so gorgeous that I find it difficult to look at anything else for too long. Still, when I do, I really do not enjoy that dress at all.

  • Candice Booth

    I totally agree on your suggestions to make the second helping better. I kept wondering why I liked it on the model and not Heidi and it took until you pointed it out she had the skirt shortened.

  • Jan de la Rosa

    Thank you for that photo is the marchesa gown in its original lenght. I knew something was very wrong with it and now it’s obvious why it looked so odd

  • plinkiedoodle

    1. Of course. 2. Ugh.

  • The first one is perfect Barbie for her and she can work Barbie like few can. The second one made me think she was pregnant. She can’t pull that look off.

  • decormaven

    The bodice on the second look is unsettling, makes the bosom look like a bun. And as you note, the bottom half of the gown has been tinkered with, and not in a pleasing way. I’m all about statement earrings, but those were the wrong ones to deploy.

  • Eric Stott

    Agree completely – shortening the underskirt on the second one gives it a theater curtains effect…and we’ve seen that show repeatedly.

  • I think that Heidi rode to the second event in a convertible.

  • Corazon Nunez

    Can’t you imagine that second dress with the full-length skirt working perfectly for Fan Bingbing?

  • BigWhiteGrannyPanties

    She is so fucking tacky.

  • the second one looks like she ripped the skirt off a baby bassinet. or maybe i’ve been babysitting too long…..

  • The dress looks like it was made from a tablecloth. And top does nobody favors.

  • lobsterlen

    Honestly what is wrong with her head? The second dress makes me sad. I loved the runway version. I not sure why a famous designer like Marchesa would allow Heidi to ruin their creations. They don’t need her to wear their clothes.

  • Crystal

    Omg tacky mess. What is happening. She has a rocking body and she’s rich and people give her free designer clothes and she wears THIS???

  • While I don’t like the first dress, she does look sensational in it, especially from the back. The second dress is a flat out disaster, and poorly accessorized to boot. Red nails, really?

  • StrandedFashionista

    I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the first look somehow manages to look ‘Old Hollywood’ on Heidi.

  • BrooklynBomber

    Oh, good lord, that second dress is horrible. And I had that reaction before I even saw who made it.

  • Jojo

    The 2nd dress looks like C3PO’s vagina!

  • watchmeboogie

    Dress #2: bedsheet vulva.