Girl, That’s Not Your Dress: Hilary Swank

Posted on May 30, 2013

This lady is in desperate need of a sassy-but-firm gay to sit her ass down and tell her what’s what.

Because girl?

 

Hilary Swank attends the Life Ball 2013 at City Hall in Vienna, Austria in a Giambattisa Valli couture dress.

Giambattista Valli Spring 2013 Couture Collection/Model: Marine Deleeuw (ELITE)

 

You’re not a teenager. There. We said it. Throw all the vases you want. You know it’s true. When you’re done, clean the mascara tracks off your face and come downstairs. We’ll have a box ready, addressed to Selena Gomez.

 

[Photo Credit: Getty, style.com]

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  • GillianHolroyd

    Dress? hell, girl that’s not your hairstyle.

    • 3boysful

      You beat me to it.

    • sagecreek

      Yep, you took the words out of my mouth. That hair was the dernier cri when I was in 7th grade. But it ain’t now.

      • rajf

        I bow to your use of ‘dernier cri’.

  • teensmom99

    and girl, you need some make up. A little lipstick would make all the difference (still you need a different dress) and hair style. classic scroll down fug–bodice is not bad at all.

  • PastryGoddess

    Maybe she felt the need to air out her upper thighs

    • CommenterFormerlyKnownAsR

      Some things should be left for those of us who are vertically challenged.

  • http://joyouslifesf.wordpress.com Kiltdntiltd

    Mkay, Hillary? Lets chat a moment. You are a lovely woman, and you have a face which, even in your youth has a prominent bone structure. This is going to become more so, as you age, and the long locks are at this point calling attention to it, rather than not. Might I suggest a shorter do? Something that breaks near your chin line, with a fair amount of soft volume? And the uncles are SO right. Get that dress off your back and on to the bod of some twee young thing.

    • Erica

      I’ve been going to my hair stylist for almost 20 years. As I marched through my mid to late 20s and through the early 30s, my hair was kept at the shoulders or even a little longer. As I sailed through the late 30s and now to the ripe old age of 44, I have noticed how her “just a trim” of my easily-styled, one-length curly hair has resulted in hair that lands just south of my chin. This is clearly not a coincidence. She’s cut and styled a lot of hair in her life. (I also got the talk several years ago about how I needed to color my new growth and not just rely on highlighting to cover grey. She did NOT need to give me a talking to about wearing tween clothes, though.)

    • http://www.wordydoodles.com WordyDoodles

      Right after she won her Oscar for Boys Don’t Cry, I asked my stylist for a cut like hers on the red carpet– that pixie cut with the spiky, flippy back. Stylist told me *everyone* was asking for that cut. I know that look’s not trendy now, but I think that any kind of short-cut-with-personality would still work so well for her.

  • carnush

    That’s just plain ugly.

  • eowyn_of_rohan

    Is she like the Oscar-winning version of Jessica Alba now? Just making appearances at things like the Life Ball and that birthday celebration for the Chechen leader accused of human rights violations? (ETA: I know they’re not on the same level, but still. Just appearances, no movies?) Oh, and that cocker spaniel hair is wrong for just about any dress, but especially that one.

    • MilaXX

      ooh, did you hear Sharon Needles got banned from the Life Ball?

      • Rand Ortega

        Whaaaa? DISH!

        • MilaXX

          Google. She made some really offensive jokes. even William was like “no gurl.”

          • Rand Ortega

            Geez. John Galliano called…

          • demidaemon

            I’m loving all this gossip.

      • julnyes

        Sharon really needs to grow up a great deal. She needs to realize she isn’t playing in the little Pitts sandbox anymore and what flies with her friends just isn’t going to work on a national or international stage.

    • Rand Ortega

      She suffered a lot of blow back from that birthday celebration. So much so she fired her entire PR team. She’s having a bit of a dry spell movie wise– her only role since the fall out was in an HBO movie that didn’t do very well.

  • Annarosa

    T&Lo, you mean guys… but long live honesty!

  • MilaXX

    Honestly I think this dress is better suited for an Elle Fanning or maybe Hailee Steinfeild than Selena. No matter, it’s still not the dress for Hilary.

    • lobsterlen

      Exactly what I thought … the dress is too young even for Selena. In addition Hailee Kiernan Shipka would rock that dress.

    • Not applicable

      she doesn’t really look happy in it either– like someone talked her into it- and she feels stupid.

    • mjude

      it makes me sad. also hilary, the hair is not attractive either.

  • http://angrynerdgirl.net/ Jessi03

    That dress looks perfect for Nina Dobrev.

  • Emily Smith

    Hailee Steinfeld is pissed you stole her dress.

  • Judy_S

    I love that dress. This is a classic “not your dress.” I can really see it on Chloe Moretz. Or even on a post-teen gal who cultivates a gamine or twee look. I think it would look a lot better with hair short or up.

  • FlyoverFi

    It honestly looks like she simply forgot to put on pants.

  • Calinda_L

    The top half looks cute-ish. If only the bottom half were a lovely, ladylike sheath dress instead of… whatever that is.

    • NC_Meg

      I had the same thought. If only it was form fitting and hit around the knee.

  • ceceliadid

    She’s frustrating because she could really work with her angular, muscular look – but she dresses and styles like a girly girl.

    • editrixie

      It’s always seemed like she’s trying so hard to convince people that she’s not a boxer or a trans man, as if people will see her as too masculine on her own. I don’t get it — I’d work that shit if it were me. These pictures look so…desperate.

      • formerlyAnon

        Yup. I spent most of my 20s learning that I could NOT dress the way she ought to be dressing because I’m too short and too curvy, even when very thin. It was sooo hard to accept.

    • lonepear

      I’d love to see her playing up the angular, tough-girl vibe and working some of the Audreybot looks Rooney Mara wears.

  • Pennymac

    With that exaggerated bell on the skirt, I was wondering if folks in the front row got a view of the good china? Looking at her body language, I think she was wondering the same thing.

  • Sheneve Butler

    I want this dress

  • Rand Ortega

    Such a silly dress. On such a beautiful, intense woman just makes it & her look really…well, SILLY.

    PS: Listen, Doll, we all know you won your Oscars playing masculine types, but, considering your face shape, a bob or a shoulder length style aka Claire Danes would make you look sooo hot! Think about it. ‘Cause I know you read TLo religiously. Mwah!

    • eowyn_of_rohan

      Remember when she wore those beautiful, sleek Calvin Klein columns about ten years ago? God, that is what she needs to go back to.

  • kipper

    Wear your daughters dress to work day….

  • Not applicable

    yes- and what a waste- b/c she has an AMAZING figure- go back to Calvin Klein Hil- do you know how many women would kill to be able to rock that slim fit look??

  • MoHub

    The same skirt, softly draped instead of poufed and about 4 inches longer, might have worked.

  • http://dorothydamage.wordpress.com/ Dorothy Damage

    She needs to send that to Kiernan Shipka.

  • Rand Ortega

    Dear TLo, please copyright the term/phrase/axiom “Sassy But Firm” to attach to your many branding opportunities like, say, your line of hair care products, Members Only style jackets, etc. You’ll make a mint. Thanks.

    • NC_Meg

      Sassy but Firm brand hairspray for all the bitter kittens!

      • Rand Ortega

        My thought exactly!

      • snarkykitten

        I could use some of that today.

  • tb

    Ah but the 6th photo down…FABULOUS dress in the background. And we need a Lounge lounge…runway withdrawl.

  • NYCGlamourpuss

    Geeze, That’s Not Her Dress? You’re too kind. Why stop there? It’s also Not Her Hair, Not Her Shoes, Not Her Unaccessorized Wrists, Neck & Probably Ears, and Not Her Completely Unmade Up Face.

  • decormaven

    There’s something growing underneath that dress. Too bad it wasn’t about four more inches of hem.

  • ashtangajunkie

    Oh, dear. Killer bod, and that’s what she puts it in.

  • Jeremiah Capacillo

    That dress on Kiernan Shipka though…

  • marlie

    This was today’s needle-scratch scrolldown of the day. Yes, I hate to say it, but this is way too juvenile for her. Kiernan Shipka, Chloe Moretz, or one of the Fannings would look adorable in this, however.

  • conniemd

    Hillary has the potential to be Tilda light, with those cheekbones, she could look some great fierce. She obviously needs dresses in long straight lines, or lady pants with shorter hair that emphasize her assets. With the long hair and dress, she looks like a masculine girl trying to be feminine instead of embracing her really unique look.

    • shorty j

      nailed it. Aside from her natural features, her whole thing with minimal or no makeup, no jewelry, and gym hair just completely fails to sell it – makes her look exactly like I did as a butch teenager when my mom would practically strongarm me into dresses on Easter Sunday. “GOD, Ma. FINE. It’s ON my body. That’s ALL you’re going to get.” (Now, as a butch adult, I at least wear earrings and get my roommate to do my makeup on the rare occasions when I dress like a femme, haha.)

    • formerlyAnon

      Dead right. She doesn’t have to be androgynous in a masculine way, if she prefers femininity, But whoever “does” her needs to spend some time looking at strong, sexy, somewhat androgynous women and analyze what works for them, and give her a recognizably girl’s version.

  • crash1212

    That’s not her hair either.

  • barbarienne

    I think no one quite knows what to do with her strong bone structure (both face and body). She doesn’t fit the Hollywood mold, but she/stylist/whoever keeps trying to dress her and do her hair and makeup like a “classic beauty”/”pretty girl.”

  • GorgeousThings

    The preview shot on Facebook showed her from the waist up, and I thought, “Gee, it doesn’t look too bad.”
    But when I clicked over and saw the skirt, I went, “Whoa! It burns, Precious, it buuuurns!”

    • BrooklynBomber

      Same here. Thumbnail looks fine, but scroll down elicited a “Holy crap.” TLo nailed it with the “not a teenager” comment. I’ll save my vases to throw at someone else.

  • StellaZafella

    It just doesn’t work for Hilary Swank to try to dress as a “Real Housewife of anything”. This is not youth-inducing and her body language appears to be telling us that she’s fully aware that it’s not a comfortable look for her.
    Maybe I’m just projecting.

    • formerlyAnon

      Nope. You are dead right. She could be *incredibly* sexy, but not until she gives up on trying to look like just another pretty actress.

  • http://twitter.com/irmaladuce_l8ly IrmaLaDuce

    Of course, Selena would never wear this dress. It’s not tight enough to double as a sausage casing, the neckline is not plunging down to her nether regions, and it doesn’t allow for coy flashes of side titty. So it’s not Selena Gomez’s dress either. I guess we can send it to Deschenel with a L’Eggs egg. She’d love this.

    • http://twitter.com/cornekopia Shawn EH

      I can’t tell whether you’re being mean or helpful, which means I love you!

  • AndreaSkates

    To be fair, it’s not really anyone’s dress. The only person who should wear something simultaneously that poofy and that short is Shirley Temple circa 1934, with the accompanying ruffled spanky-pants underneath.

  • Poeta Paz

    I don’t like the dress on her, I don’t like the dress on the model. Maybe if it was longer, but it looks like an open umbrella.

  • http://twitter.com/cornekopia Shawn EH

    Her hair looks nice? That’s the best I can say.

  • SugarSnap108

    I would never throw a vase at you for this. I’ll serve as a human shield against any vases launched your way. This dress would be adorable on a 15-year-old. Hillary, you are a grown-ass woman (in desperate need of a *sassy but firm* hair stylist).

  • amber.

    Hmmm. Maybe Christa B. Allen could wear that?

  • j_anson

    Eh, she couldn’t have worn this when she was sixteen. She just hasn’t got the right look for cutesy puffy skirts. It’s actually exactly the same problem as with Jada Pinkett Smith in the post above (although with less pink)

    Also, that make-up makes everything from the neck up look like a folk singer from a documentary on the 60s.

  • guest2visits

    Spot on, TLo. There isn’t anything else to be said. I might give it a second thought if it were tea-length, and an up-do.

  • VioletFem

    I actually had this dressed pegged for Hailee Steinfeld.

  • http://gabyrippling.tumblr.com/ Gaby

    I want to see the costumed person behind her in the second-to-last shot.

  • Ann VerWiebe

    “Mommy, why is your dress so short?”

  • Headphone Princess

    I agree that this dress is just all wrong, but I have a question for all you fashion-savvy kittens: Can us women of a certain age just not get away with the fit-and-flare thing? Or is Hillary’s particular perfect storm of awful here in particular?

  • formerlyAnon

    She needs to embrace the strong bones in her face and her fit, not-to-say-athletic body (which I’m sure she works damn hard for) and just step away from the girly as well as the girlish. That hair would be the first item on my agenda. She could be *incredibly* sexy if she gave up on conventionally pretty.

  • E. D.

    If it was knee-length, it wouldn’t be that bad. But she would still need lip color that isn’t bubblegum pink.

  • NoGovernmentName

    Did she seem to drop off the radar entirely after her second Oscar? What happened to her career?

  • clairellis

    Holy shit snacks no!!

  • ThatPeterG

    I’m not convinced that ANY dress is her dress.

  • bellafigura1

    Gah, eek, whoa.

  • quiltrx

    This was one of those “I like the bodice I don’t understand what you’re sa….OH, never mind.” That skirt is a mess for all except twee ones.
    And the hair is VERY aging and makes the natural long-ness of her face even more prominent.

  • kimiakay

    Boy, haven’t seen her for a while. Too bad she had to wear this. I think this may just be a terrible dress. That weird belt or whatever is not flattering even on the model. And your hair, hon, maybe a pony for you, but you don’t want to go the SJP route, believe me.

  • Sweetvegan

    She looked so much better here: http://www.tomandlorenzo.com/2010/03/hilary-swanks-swanky-hills-2.html Even if you don’t like the dress, just look at what a difference the hair makes.

  • http://www.facebook.com/rosalie.rinaldi Rosalie Rinaldi

    How much longer do we have until this hair style is passe? It is not flattering on the majority of wearers because it has to be constantly fluffed or something. The only time it really looks okay is in a studio setting where there’s a hair dresser at the ready. Most of the time it’s too flat on top and the curls become stringy. All the celebs, TV hosts and news women that wear this style should take a long hard look at themselves. Can’t anyone be original?

  • stephbellard

    I bet while she was at that mic, she reminded everyone that she used to live in her car.

  • librarygrrl64

    She is near the top of my Irrational Dislike list, so I can’t be objective.