Darlings, there’s no way in hell we can get to all the tackiness that infested the Billboard Awards red carpet this year. Let’s just run through the highlights and yell out our bitchy thoughts together, like a family. Of bitches.
Alyssa Milano in Danielle Queller
Jesus Christ, we’re old. Alyssa Milano now looks like a Golden Girl. Slit our wrists now.
Andy Allo in Ekaterina Kukhareva
That is just way too much dress for any one woman to handle. Unless she’s Spider-Woman.
Ariana Grande in Jovani
What are you…six? Is this the 1930s? Is the Queen of England present? No? Then stop that.
Carly Rae Jepsen in Dyanthe
She must’ve really wanted to show off her belly button – and only her belly button – that night.
Celine Dion in Atelier Versace
Eventually, Celine’s slow metamorphosis will be complete when her cyborg parts are fully integrated.
Seriously, lady. Time for a makeover.
Chloe Moretz in Fendi
Absolutely NOT Your Dress, girl. The shape is all wrong.
Chris Brown in Fendi
Pfft. What the fuck ever.
Although we suppose he looks perfectly acceptable for the venue.
Gabriel Mann in Dolce&Gabbana
Hmm. Normally we love Gabriel’s dandified style, but this looks kind of a mess to us. Those pants aren’t very flattering and he looks too washed out. A little light bronzer next time, G. And maybe tone down the ashy blond a bit.
Hayden Panettiere in Halston Heritage
Cute. We like the suit but we wish he hadn’t gone the black-shirt-and-tie route.
Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad
Tacky, yes. But diva-fabulous.
Jenny McCarthy in Tom Ford
Tacky, yes – and straight out of Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Ke$ha in Givenchy
What a stupid look. No, really. You can tell there was no thought put into it all. “I’ll just show my side-ass and … something something shoes something makeup.”
Kelly Rowland in Rami Al Ali
Enh. We’re underwhelmed.
Madonna in Givenchy
Oh, let’s just let her be. She’s determined to go the Norma Desmond (by way of Baby Jane Hudson) route and there’s no point in talking her out of it.
Girl, we don’t even have tits and we’re wincing in sympathy.
Also: this is kind of disappointingly standard.
We would expect no different.
Shania Twain in Pavoni by Michael D
She looks very … wide awake, no? Which is kind of ironic since her dress looks like casket lining.
CHEESE AND CHRIST. ANOTHER ONE?!? Oh, HELL NO.
Go home and start over, honey. Steffi not only got there first, she done rode that poor horse to death.
[Photo Credit: Andrew Evans/PR Photos]