Billboard Music Awards Red Carpet Rundown

Posted on May 21, 2013

Darlings, there’s no way in hell we can get to all the tackiness that infested the Billboard Awards red carpet this year. Let’s just run through the highlights and yell out our bitchy thoughts together, like a family. Of bitches.

 

Alyssa Milano in Danielle Queller

Jesus Christ, we’re old. Alyssa Milano now looks like a Golden Girl. Slit our wrists now.

 

 

Andy Allo in Ekaterina Kukhareva

That is just way too much dress for any one woman to handle. Unless she’s Spider-Woman.

 

 

Ariana Grande in Jovani

What are you…six? Is this the 1930s? Is the Queen of England present? No? Then stop that.

 

 

Carly Rae Jepsen in Dyanthe

She must’ve really wanted to show off her belly button – and only her belly button – that night.

 

 

Celine Dion in Atelier Versace

Eventually, Celine’s slow metamorphosis will be complete when her cyborg parts are fully integrated.

Seriously, lady. Time for a makeover.

 

 

Chloe Moretz in Fendi

Absolutely NOT Your Dress, girl. The shape is all wrong.

 

 

Chris Brown in Fendi

Pfft. What the fuck ever.

Although we suppose he looks perfectly acceptable for the venue.

 

 

Gabriel Mann in Dolce&Gabbana

Hmm. Normally we love Gabriel’s dandified style, but this looks kind of a mess to us. Those pants aren’t very flattering and he looks too washed out. A little light bronzer next time, G. And maybe tone down the ashy blond a bit.

 

 

Hayden Panettiere in Halston Heritage

Snore.

 

 

Jason Derulo

Snore2.

 

 

Jeff Timmons

Cute. We like the suit but we wish he hadn’t gone the black-shirt-and-tie route.

 

 

Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad

Tacky, yes. But diva-fabulous.

 

 

Jenny McCarthy in Tom Ford

Tacky,  yes – and straight out of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

 

 

Ke$ha in Givenchy

What a stupid look. No, really. You can tell there was no thought put into it all. “I’ll just show my side-ass and … something something shoes something makeup.”

 

 

Kelly Rowland in Rami Al Ali

Enh. We’re underwhelmed.

 

 

Madonna in Givenchy

Oh, let’s just let her be. She’s determined to go the Norma Desmond (by way of Baby Jane Hudson) route and there’s no point in talking her out of it.

 

 

Nicki Minaj

Girl, we don’t even have tits and we’re wincing in sympathy.

Also: this is kind of disappointingly standard.
 

 

Psy

We would expect no different.

 

 

Shania Twain in Pavoni by Michael D

She looks very … wide awake, no? Which is kind of ironic since her dress looks like casket lining.

 

 

Z LaLa

CHEESE AND CHRIST. ANOTHER ONE?!? Oh, HELL NO.

Go home and start over, honey. Steffi not only got there first, she done rode that poor horse to death.

 

 

 

[Photo Credit: Andrew Evans/PR Photos]

    • charlotte

      Are they messing with us? This is the worst red carpet I have seen in a long time.
      Put some effort in, even for the Billboard Awards!

    • Sobaika

      “CHEESE AND CHRIST. ANOTHER ONE?!? Oh, HELL NO.”

      My exact reaction to half the whats-her-names on the red carpet these days. And so it begins. Soon I won’t recognize anything on the radio.

      • NYCGlamourpuss

        I’m waaaay ahead of you.

        • drdarke

          At this point, I’m ready to tell most of this runway to get off my lawn….

          Though because I’m a perverse old SoB, I actually kind of like Psy’s sense of humor, at least in his videos.

          Madonna – was wearing exactly what you’d expect Madonna to wear. By now, there’s something almost endearing in her well-toned middle-aged woman’s attempt to be “provocative” – though honestly, that looks like the same outfit I wore when I used to go to ROCKY HORROR in the late Seventies.

          I think Ke$ha got her outfit at a wardrobe sale for the early Seventies SF series UFO. It’s as tacky an outfit as Jenny McCarthy’s, and with a lot less thought put into it.

          Is Kelly Rowland wearing a gown made out of bubble wrap?

          Who the Hell is “Z LaLa”, and why is she wearing Christmas decorations, anyway? That looks like a losing look on RU PAUL’S DRAG RACE….

          I honestly think TLo were too stingy in handing out “Snore”s for the rest of the outfits.

    • http://dontmakeitlikeimdumb.blogspot.com/ annabelle archer

      Red Carpet Rundown or Worst Dressed Out of a Crop of Awful List? Who can tell?

      • Lesley

        my thoughts exactly.

    • flamingoNW

      Yikes. That’s a lot of fug for one post. Not one win in the bunch. Hayden looks good and it fits, but yeah, pretty much a snore for her.

      • Beardslee

        I give her full credit for wearing something that fits. Dull yes, but she looks great and that she can walk around without bits falling out or giving way.

        • http://twitter.com/PhDKnitter marlie

          Shame when the two best-dressed out of the bunch are a snoozefest (Hayden), and a sparkly shower curtain (Kelly Rowland).

      • drdarke

        No – JLo’s outfit was pretty decent, given the venue and that it’s her.

    • http://twitter.com/Kokopuff Cheryl Kohs

      Andy Allo looks like she cut up a perfectly good Recaro Racing seat to make that dress. Vroom!

      • gabbilevy

        Dunno who she is, but I am hard-core coveting those curls.

        • http://twitter.com/omg_dora Dora K.

          Her hair looks awesome! And I love the seaming in that dress, even though the fabrics are awful.

    • Donna Tabor

      There, there, T-Lo. Go have a liedown. And maybe some chocolate.

      • random_poster

        I second that. I want to lie down, and I didn’t even spend more than a minute scrolling through this mess. I can’t imagine what you needed to do after suffering through that.

    • mrspotts66

      wtf? it looks like we have 1) high school hallway mixed with 2) ziggy stardust mixed with 3) the oscars mixed with 4) i just rolled out of bed mixed with a little bit of 5) i’m waaaaay too old to be here.

      i can’t keep up.
      and i don’t like any of the outfits.
      and madonna, honey, just no.

    • mjude

      thank you TLO for doing this brilliant post because we know how painful it was for you. as always…LMFAO!

    • Tatiana Luján

      I really liked Kelly Rowland’s outfit.

      • j_anson

        You know, I also really liked that one, and I say that even though it occurred to me after looking at it for a second or so that it looks exactly like it’s made out of those shower curtains with the little refractive squares in them.

        • Tatiana Luján

          oh, my. Or bubble wrapping.
          I still like it, though.

        • http://twitter.com/PhDKnitter marlie

          Kelly “wins” this one. Even an off night for her is infinitely better than the rest of this crap.

          • http://asskickingadviser.com/ Ass Kicking Adviser

            Totally agree!

    • http://twitter.com/MajorBedhead MajorBedhead

      My gob, she is smacked. What a surfeit of scrofulous sartorial silliness.

      • Sara L.

        Liked for alliteration. And “scrofulous”.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1406341157 Christopher Rogers

      Alyssa Milano is wearing Emilio Pucci.

      • http://www.facebook.com/betsy.hada Betsy Farmer Hada

        *That* piece of crap is Emilio Pucci? Not good, Emilio. Go back to your draping forms. PJs do not belong on the red carpet.

    • SewingSiren

      I would pick Andy Allo for my number 1 and Chloe Moretz for 2. The rest are dull ,unintentionally funny , or horrid.

    • imspinningaround

      I don’t care if they look “standard,” Shania and Celine coming back gives me LIFE!

    • CommenterFormerlyKnownAsR

      Yes. To all of it. (OK, maybe I take exception to the TNG comparison!) Thanks for taking one for the team, TLo.

    • spooki C

      Madonna has great legs.

      Kesha looks so bad. Top heavy as heck and I’m skeeved out by her wearing a dress that short with out panties.

      I don’t even have any words for that aluminum foil monster there. IDK who she is or what she does (I assume she sings or something?) or where she came from. I love a cray cray outfit but that is not a good look. Silver lippie is never OK.

      • http://twitter.com/PhDKnitter marlie

        I’m with you on Ke$ha. I’m rather disgusted by that getup.

    • http://www.facebook.com/judy.julian77 Judy Julian

      Madonna is ready for her close up, isn’t she? I get the feeling she lives in a time warp.

      • http://dontmakeitlikeimdumb.blogspot.com/ annabelle archer

        HA! I just had a vision of her people furiously making sure all calendars, newspapers and current event items are scrubbed from her line of site, lest the queen ever be forced to confront what year – okay decade – this actually is. Per her orders, of course.

        • TheAmericaness

          One would assume that if one worked for her one would always remember to wear pantyliners cause you never know…

    • MilaXX

      I can’t even begin with this lot. They are all sooooo bad. Alyssa Milano, WTF? Face looks bloated or overly botoxed, and is 2 shades lighter than the body. The outfit would be passable without the fugly sheer pants.

    • MilaXX

      Poor Miquel should have been included just for the awesome double shot head kick he gave to two of his fans during his performance.

    • dickylarue

      Madonna’s look reminds me of the Leg Lamp from A Christmas Story. “It’s a major award!” Fra-geel-eee indeed.

    • LuisaNL

      you crack me up! it’s the only way to make this red carpet bearable…

    • sweatpantalternative

      The Madonna commentary is sadly so spot on. Sigh, I expected so much more from her at this stage in her life and career. Now she never fails to disappoint.

    • PastryGoddess

      Lord have mercy. I don’t know why you even bothered.

      Dear uncles, have some wine (or gin) on me. Also pastries…what would like?

    • http://twitter.com/acleg10 AC Simons

      Alyssa Milano. “Who knows where or Wen…”

      • http://dontmakeitlikeimdumb.blogspot.com/ annabelle archer

        She looks a damn mess, but that hair product is the real deal. I LOVE it. I’m giving her plenty of money, there’s no excuse for this.

    • Nariya

      Even La Lopez is molting.

    • TonyGo

      Kelly Rowland…translucent vinyl shower curtain.

    • decormaven

      Tragic, the whole lot of them. Hope there’s a redeeming Pretty of the Day. My eyes hurt from looking at this mess.

    • Heather

      First, I love that we’re all a big bitchy family.

      Next, I’m kind of OK with Kelly Rowland’s look. If it were hemmed by 6 inches.

      Finally, who – or what? – is Z La La? I feel like she was made up for a quirky, ironic sitcom.

    • IMNAngryLiberal

      Thanks for the run down T&Lo. You guys can take a short nap now … that much bad tacky has to have taken a lot out of you.

    • 3boysful

      ZFalalala-whoever she is looks like a Miss Universe contestant who entered the wrong auditorium.

      And ladies of a certain age–Jenny and Madge, I am looking at you–your desperation smells thru the computer monitor.

      • Coolekat

        Jenny’s even sadder than Madge

    • ellabob

      Thank you both once again – so many laugh out loud moments on a not so fab day…

    • http://www.facebook.com/conysoledad Constanza Álvarez Espinoza

      What’s gping on with Givenchy? Seriously…

    • JasmineAM

      **Jasmine crawled back under her sheets and decided that today was a no good, horrible, terrible very bad day.**

    • AnaRoW

      Chris Brown is the reason it bothers me when people call Brad Pitt (or just about anyone else) a douche. Ugh!

      I like Kelly Rowland’s look but probably mostly because her skin looks especially gorgeous when she wears white or silver.

      • Eva_baby

        Douche-land is a big land that houses many people. There’s room for all variety of Douches.

      • RebeccaKW

        I think douche is too nice a word for Chris Brown.

      • http://dontmakeitlikeimdumb.blogspot.com/ annabelle archer

        I feel you, but I think most throw around the term douche for dudes who are basically harmless. Chris Brown is a violent, masochistic, asshole of epic proportions. On his best day he strives to *just* be a douche.

        • http://twitter.com/PhDKnitter marlie

          “Douche” to me is a pretentious, self-important, pompous (and likely harmless) asshole. That doesn’t even begin to describe Chris Brown. He’s the lowest kind of scumbag, in my opinion, and yes, he should be so lucky to be considered just a douche.

    • EdithP

      I guess Madonna enjoyed all the attention she got from her Met Gala outfit, and just decided to wear it again.

      • http://twitter.com/PhDKnitter marlie

        My mom always said to buy clothes – even for “dressy” events – that can be worn more than once. She, and I guess Madge, is frugal that way.

        • EdithP

          I have heard she’s cheap. Madonna, not your mom. : )

      • Synnamin

        my thoughts exactly. “wait, didn’t we just see that…”

    • Calinda_L

      I’m always extra surprised when actresses who have been active for as long as Alyssa Milano get their makeup so wrong. This isn’t a dig at her age at all, and she usually looks lovely, but her makeup is just so, so, so wrong. I don’t understand how professional actresses can hire professional makeup artists who can’t do a better job (a) matching their clients skin and (b) using the right products.

    • http://twitter.com/cornekopia Shawn EH

      Yayy! Been waiting for this all day!!! So, in reverse:

      Madge: Buy a skirt; Kelly: Sexy; Jason: Trying real hard not to be Chris Brown; Hayden: Most tasteful ever; Gabriel: too soon after the chemical peel? Chris: I like the sweater, shamefully.; Chloe: What the heck?

      Jenny McCarthy, you mean her face, right?

    • filmcricket

      Chris Brown is essentially wearing a Cosby sweater. That he is in something so dorky makes me happy.

    • http://twitter.com/PhDKnitter marlie

      Alyssa – why on Earth did she think that this looked good? Also, her foundation is a shade too light.
      Andy Allo – an knitting project gone desperately wrong.
      Ariana Grande – I had to google her… she’s 19, but this dress seems inappropriate on her.
      Carly Rae – did she look at herself in the mirror before she left the house?
      Celine Dion – I kind of like her dress. The shoes are too matchy, and they’re ugly anyway.
      JLo – appropriately tack divatastic-ness.
      Jenny McCarthy – this getup is straight out of 1998.
      Ke$ha – that’s actually a little disgusting.
      Kelly Rowland – she’s the best out of the bunch.
      Nicki Minaj – when there are cups designed into the dress, usually your boobs are supposed to go IN them. If they don’t, then that dress is not for you.
      Shania Twain – it’s a little “mother of the bride” to me.
      Z Lala – For reals? She has to know that no one is going to take her “seriously” if all she’s doing is trying to be a cheap Gaga knockoff.

    • alyce1213

      Hayden Panettiere’s “snore” is a welcome breath of fresh air. I think she looks nice, low key but very nice.

    • NYCGlamourpuss

      Oh, Madge…. Madge. I know, TLo, you said let her be, but I love her, which is why I just have to say “Oh Madge”.

      (And for you “Office” fans, the look on my face is the same expression Pam had when Michael asked Karen if her dad was a G.I. Just a bitter, disappointed wince.)

    • KateShouldBeWorking

      Was there some agreement like “Whoever is the most clothed picks up the bar tab”?

    • Erica_Vuitton

      When did Tom Ford start making legit stripper wear? You know Jenny will NEVER be allowed to borrow his clothes again after pairing that skirt with a $4 tank top. Also, I really want to know if Kelly’s dress is made of bubble wrap. And lastly I’m sorry I don’t care who you are, if your thighs are muffin topping over your stockings… it’s time to put some pants on, no one wants to see that.

      • http://twitter.com/janedonuts Jane Donuts

        Seriously, what has happened to Tom Ford? Has his brain been held hostage by the rotting corpse of Gianni Versace?

    • http://twitter.com/janedonuts Jane Donuts

      I actually thought Celine looked pretty fabulous. Standard for her, yes, but it works. JLo in the same category.

    • mightbewrong

      Carly Rae Jepsen is five seconds away from trying to eat the photographer’s brain.

    • tereliz

      No, Alyssa Milano looks like a kubuki Golden Girl. WTF. So much fug. Ke$ha, really?

    • Danielle

      I’ll give Kesha half a point for looking like she actually took a shower before she got dressed. But she looks like someone rushed her out of the house before she could put her pants off. It’s ok to show off your ass, but please, make sure it looks deliberate.

      • demidaemon

        She has been bathing regularly it seems. Now we just need to get her a somewhat respectable wardrobe. Small steps.

    • Ediths_Head

      I thought Celine Dion was Sandra Lee. Have they ever been seen in the same room? Just asking…

    • the_valkyrie

      Does no one lend Nicki Minaj clothes?

      • http://twitter.com/PhDKnitter marlie

        Apparently someone who is an A-cup lent her this dress.

    • http://twitter.com/steeenie Christine Hart

      At least Ke$ha looks clean.

    • Anniebet

      Please tell me this was a “Worst Dressed” list?

      Chloe Moretz is channeling Mindy Kaling on Jimmy Fallon’s show. Madonna is channeling herself – again, and again, ad infinitum. Celine Dion is preparing for her appearance at Mme. Tussaud’s. I have this awful picture in my mind of JLo sitting at a posh club somewhere discreetly picking her teeth with those shoes.

      Kesha doesn’t deserve a comment. Ditto Ms. Milano and the Minaj twins.

      I guess Kelly Rowland was the only one I really liked.

    • http://twitter.com/KathrynTewson Kathryn Tewson

      Ke$ha best hope the seats aren’t vinyl, or her labia are going to stick to them when she sits down.

      • http://twitter.com/PhDKnitter marlie

        That’s f-ing disgusting and hilarious at the same time.

    • titaness25

      Phoebe is serving some level geisha-face. Sigh.

    • http://asskickingadviser.com/ Ass Kicking Adviser

      I’m off to search for the four horsemen of the apocaplyse because I actually think Celine D. looks better than most. Kelly R. is saving me from having to say Celine wins. Thank you Kelly R. I love the dress and your cute hair.

      • http://twitter.com/PhDKnitter marlie

        Right? Considering the rest of the bunch, Celine isn’t half bad.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pamela.hunt.796 Pamela Hunt

      Madge looks ridic. There’s no reason to dress like an old lady but JHC, there has to be a happy medium somewhere in there! As for Mr. Derulo (who?), OMFG do I ever hate men in public in sleeveless shirts!! Clearly, you men are not interested in seeing armpit hair on women so why in the world do you think we need to see yours? Freakin’ EW!! You are NOT in a gym!

    • Shoelover1512

      I defended Emmy’s sheer dress but this rundown is TOO MUCH SHEER.

      And really Ke$ha, this may be TMI but since we’re a family it’s alright. Are you wearing underwear? I’m going to with no. Which means your unprotected womanly parts are going to come in contact with seats. I’m not a prude but that’s gross, it’s gross for you and gross for anyone else who will sit there. I’m pretty sure that’s against some public hygiene rules. Blech!

      • conniemd

        Let us pray for a thong

        • demidaemon

          That’s barely better. But I guess floss versus no underwear is an improvement, right?

      • jetpackdino

        What was that girl thinking.

        “Look. Look at my butt.” (cue stupid Beavis & Butthead laugh)

    • http://twitter.com/yessveee Sarah V.

      Kelly Rowland is wearing the winner of the PR unconventional materials challenge, crafted from bubble wrap and unicorns farting glitter.

    • Rand Ortega

      Who’s the hood ornament? Never seen her before in my life. There seems to be a reason for that.

    • nannypoo

      If for some reason I am ever invited to this event I will politely decline. I do not want to be around anyone who looks like these people.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1582777135 Melanie K. Morgan

      Hayden looks the best by far. In fact, I think she looks fabulous.

    • Carleenml

      you had me at “since her dress looks like a casket lining.” This is right up there with the Miss Universe contestants.

    • colleenjanel

      That is the best that Ke-dollarsign-ha has ever looked … from the neck up. Seriously, she needs to stick to this natural look and lay off the glitter and stupid makeup designs.

    • jetpackdino

      Red Carpet of The Damned.

    • stayl

      Is the Jenny McCarthy outfit really Tom Ford? The skirt AND top?

    • TheAmericaness

      If it weren’t for you two making me laugh with your comments, I probably would have puked after scrolling through. No, really.

    • kimiakay

      Nah, the Tom Ford was probably the shoes, maybe the underwear; wait, what underwear… ? Ariana Grande-yes, she is 6 years old; Celine, there is simply not one reason you cannot change it up. People overlook you because they think they’ve already seen you. Gabriel Mann, I miss you from Mad Men. Shania Twain, this is not the Country Music awards. Last but not least, Madonna: Do. Not. Get. Me. Started.

    • http://twitter.com/Hussified Coleen

      Kesha, they make invisible deodorant now. Honest!

    • Daisy Walker

      What a shitshow.

    • quiltrx

      Psy’s shoes are giving me life. You know it’s a shitty red carpet when that’s the one thing that really stands out for me.
      I was SO disappointed is Miss Kelly…we can usually at least count on HER to be fierce. But it’s some sort of space blanket/bathrobe concoction that I hope was not her choice.

    • GTrain

      i agree with every single one! What a hot mess of a red carpet (except Gabriel Mann who kind of has a lifetime free pass from me).

    • http://www.facebook.com/bert.keeter Bert Keeter

      TRAIN WRECKS….

      • NoGovernmentName

        Oh lord yes, you summed the whole thing up in two words.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=571205045 Kent Roby

      JLo’s cooch is literally dripping with gold. That is apparently the source of her superpowers.

    • blueberrypanckae

      Ariana Grande’s schtick is nickelodeon star transitioning to “jailbait tacky” I am a mother of a tween…forced to know this :/

    • Town

      Jason DeRulo looks like Darrin’s Dance Grooves.

    • Coco Cornejo

      You can see Jenny McCarthy’s outfit at my local biker bar.

    • Lauren Hall

      Best part of this post: words/phrases I will have to work into daily conversation.
      1. Dandified
      2. Cheese and Christ (*snort*)

    • NiseiShonagon

      Z Lala had better be a full-time Gaga drag impersonator, because otherwise that shit is UN. FORGIVABLE.

      Although the rest of my irritation/boredom was blown away the moment I got to PSY! I like him. He totally won me over with that English radio interview where he told the story about offering to teach Usher some dance moves.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=14301272 Kate Gorton

      I thought Z Lala was Cher for a second!