Ryan Lochte on David Letterman

Posted on April 25, 2013

We watched his show. Ten whole seconds of it. Then we ran screaming from the room. We don’t care how ripped his abs are, if he’s so inarticulate that he’s making Honey Boo Boo, Snooki, and Kim Kardashian look like the Yalta Conference in comparison, the attractiveness level plummets.

Ryan Lochte makes an appearance on the ‘Late Show with David Letterman’ show in New York City to promote his new reality show.

He’s all yours, ladies and ladyboys who like their men a little on the dim side. We can’t.

Nice look. A little too monochromatically Don Draper for our tastes, plus the jacket’s too tight on him, but not bad.

 

 

[Photo Credit: Enrique RC/PacificCoastNews.com - Video Credit: LateLettermanShow]

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  • http://twitter.com/Chucko78 Chuck Barthelme

    He’s a mimbo.

    • http://joyouslifesf.wordpress.com Kiltdntiltd

      Perfect.

    • aeb1986

      dead on. i wish he’d just kept his mouth shut and been the hot american swimmer/gold medalist…why’d he have to go and ruin it!?

    • AwesomeMargie

      Ahaha.
      My thoughts exactly.

      “He’s a male bimbo. He’s a mimbo.”

      • fursa_saida

        I’ve always preferred “himbo,” but to each their own.

        • AwesomeMargie

          Lol.
          I’ll side with Jerry Seinfeld on this one.

    • StellaZafella

      Great!
      My problem is not that a guy’s a dumbass…
      I have a problem with it when a guy seems to be PROUD of being a dumbass.

      Nice suit though…for a Mad Men audition.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lucía-Gavello/1253586868 Lucía Gavello

      Absolutely, there should be a picture of him next to “mimbo” in the dictionary.

      Whenever I ask myself “What would Ryan Lochte do?” the answer, unless I’m in front of a pool, is always “breathe through his mouth”

  • gabbilevy

    I can’t help it. I normally find stupidity the ultimate turnoff, but I find him fascinating, like watching a really, really pretty train wreck.

  • eowyn_of_rohan

    I can’t fantasize about a man who probably says ‘jeah!’ when climaxing.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Julie-Chase/731391326 Julie Chase

      I think you just ruined sex for me.

      At least for half a day.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1401197785 Jennifer Peters-Ahnberg

      Perfection.

    • Lesley

      amazing and probably so true.

    • Vickiefantastico

      You made me snort

    • ConnieBV

      In my fantasies, he is mute.

      • http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

        Ryan Lochte is the reason the ball gag was invented…

        • drdarke

          I thought that was Gwynneth Paltrow, @google-a370e63c84504acf2c560294762b86cb:disqus …?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Emily-Smith/12431153 Emily Smith

    Epic. Douche. I wanted to punch his face through my tv screen every time he showed up during olympic coverage.

    • MilaXX

      YES! Only because he so desperately wanted to beat /steal the spotlight from Phelps.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Emily-Smith/12431153 Emily Smith

        His blatant need to one-up Phelps was just sad.

    • fursa_saida

      God, I remember when it all started happening with him I just said “wake me when he’s over”. I thought it was safe to come out, AND NOW THIS.

    • girliecue

      Not the face! Punch him in throat. So he can’t speak aloud anymore.

  • http://twitter.com/SillyGrrlJen Silly Grrl

    So dumb. That clip where the reporters are laughing after the interview with him is priceless. That would also be me if I were forced to interview dumb people.

    • http://twitter.com/EmFairbank Emily

      That was hilarious. He’s so dumb it’s painful. Said stupidity makes his so ridiculously unattractive. And he’s funny looking.

      • http://twitter.com/SillyGrrlJen Silly Grrl

        I’ve watched it like 10 times. It gets funnier every time.

    • Sobaika

      That is such a good clip. I lost it when she said her eyelashes were going to fall off.

    • Eva_baby

      Hah! That clip is awesome! The female reporter’s absolute loss of control and possible eye-lashes had me howling. How sad that that clip will probably be the most interesting thing about his reality show.

    • DebbieLovesShoes

      Where is it? I need to see this.

      • kirkyo

        Buzzfeed had the clip.

        • DebbieLovesShoes

          I watched it last night. It was hilarious… and so fun to see another women who accidentally snorts when she laughs hard.

  • http://twitter.com/stellaphone Stella Zawistowski

    I read one review that said watching the show on mute isn’t such a bad idea.

  • RebeccaKW

    There was a thread about him on The Hairpin the other day, about this show. It was basically determined we would all hit it once, b/c of said abs, but then give him a fake phone number b/c really, we can’t talk to him.

    • http://twitter.com/EmFairbank Emily

      No one can talk to him. What would you say that might get anything of a civilised answer?

      • RebeccaKW

        At best, I think you could ask him about swimming, something specific to keep his mind from wandering too much, and get maybe 2 short, clear sentences. Then he’ll put his grill in and say “Jeah!” 9 times. It’s probably best not to encourage him to talk.

        • http://twitter.com/EmFairbank Emily

          Agree 1000000% on all of that. Especially “It’s probably best not to encourage him to talk.”

          • Steph Wright

            Did you learn Math from Randy Jackson?

    • Lauren Hall

      Only other admirable thing about Lochte, other than his medals and said attractiveness: On 30 Rock he played himself as a “sex idiot”, i.e., someone who is only good for sex. I don’t even care if his agent booked it for him and he misunderstood what he was doing, it was hilarious.

      • RebeccaKW

        I have no doubt RL did not understand the term sex idiot and thought it was sex idol or something. I’m going to have to find that clip.

  • ashtangajunkie

    Not my cup of tea either. Nice suit though.

  • http://twitter.com/Chucko78 Chuck Barthelme

    He’s a mimbo.

  • snarkalicious

    Did you see that clip of an interview he did with some news show? His inability to participate coherently in the promotion of his own show – seriously, he couldn’t even answer a simple query about what a girl could say to get his attention – made the reporters collapse into laughter. HILARIOUS. I give this show exactly two episodes before it’s canceled.

    • http://twitter.com/susanpcollier Susan Collier

      I dunno. It’s on the E network. It might be around for years.

      • snarkalicious

        Fair point. E shows will probably still be playing after the zombie apocalypse.

        • http://twitter.com/susanpcollier Susan Collier

          E shows will probably get even higher Nielsen ratings after the zombie apocalypse. I’m sure their programming department is banking on it.

    • yethica

      That was here in Philly. I was personally proud of them for being utterly unable to keep their composure.

  • nannypoo

    Even the idea of his show is demeaning and humiliating. And I don’t like the way this suit fits him. So there.

  • http://www.facebook.com/arotella2 Andrew Rotella

    The slim suit style reminds me of when the zoot suit went out of fashion, because of the need for material during the war effort. It seems to me that the suit makers are trying to push this smaller jacket onto men, claiming style, when it might actually be a way to charge (more or the same amount) for less product.

  • KayEmWhy

    Himbo!

  • Kappyapp

    I am reminded of something a friend of mine once said: “Eye candy means no talkie.” He definitely fits the bill

  • eowyn_of_rohan

    The disdainful looks on the faces of the dudes in the background in that bottom picture is truly cracking me up.

  • http://twitter.com/lisledanielle Danielle Lisle

    Fratty as f*ck.

  • http://twitter.com/susanpcollier Susan Collier

    In the immortal words of Bobbi Flekman, “You don’t talk so much. Just smile and look smart.”

    • Stuck_on_Mute

      or ‘Better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt’

  • MilaXX

    Boyfriend is stooooooopid! I love the Fox 29 team laughing at his inability to answer softball questions. Besides he is entirely too thirsty for fame for my taste.

    • http://twitter.com/PhDKnitter marlie

      I can’t stop watching that video. HILARIOUS!

  • OrigamiRose

    He’s an insult to mimbos.

  • Guest

    I just can’t anymore. When he was first put into the spotlight, he just looked like a jock trying to find his bearings when having to be articulate. Now, he just looks like a complete moron.

    He should just stick to modeling in his time out of the pool. He’s a lot more attractive when he’s seen and not heard.

  • shirab

    Husband’s theory is that Ryan has made such a point of being very in-your-face heterosexual–declaring to all media his humongous crush on, was it Brooklyn Decker? some taken and unattainable blond, posing with bikini babes whenever possible, now doing this show–that he is trying to cover up that he is not so heterosexual at all. Time will tell…

    • MikeW_Vegas

      Methinks, he doth protest too much?

      • shirab

        That’s exactly what wethinks.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000905542323 Rhonda Shore

    i can’t get past the too-tight jacket, let alone the double digit IQ.

  • http://twitter.com/sk888888 Cele Deemer

    He is cute, but holy caboli… he shouldn’t be allowed to speak in public!

  • barbarienne

    My history major heart loves you guys for the Yalta reference.

    Wow, Ryan looks as if he’s planning to run into a phone booth and rip off that suit and then go fight crime. I know the dude’s a swimmer, but damn, that is some chest.

  • bingo

    Nice Yalta conference reference. Don’t get enough of those…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1401197785 Jennifer Peters-Ahnberg

    Everytime I hear him speak, I think it’s a good thing he’s pretty and a gifted athlete. Then he says, “JEAH” and I want to smack him.

  • http://twitter.com/PhDKnitter marlie

    Dumb as a box of rocks. I just can’t…

  • Pants_are_a_must

    I’m catching a whiff of Beckham from this look, but that’s insulting to David Beckham.

  • quiltrx

    He should just always be quiet, like a beautiful, dim statue. He definitely fits my “only good for one thing, and it’s NOT conversation” category.
    And for the record, I STILL miss the dumpsters.

    • formerlyAnon

      With you on the dumpsters. They were a negative for a long time, but then they became a feature. A comforting, familiar feature.

  • Janet B

    I’d rather see him swim than talk.His shoes look as if they are on the wrong feet.

    • clubgoingseel

      jeah thanks for pointing it out. the shoes have been bugging me

    • http://twitter.com/foodycatAlicia foodycatAlicia

      That is exactly what I thought! Surely he isn’t *that* dumb?

      • MK03

        I think he is.

    • PastryGoddess

      Ok now I can’t unsee this

  • mayam22

    No denying he’s like… really hot. Its too bad he went the reality-show route, he seems like a sweet guy who wouldnt hurt a fly, and he threw himself into this world that he’s just not right for. O well… still, he’s nice to look at :p

  • BrooklynBomber

    “Yalta Conference” – ha! Too funny.
    Poor schnook. He’s not cut out for this sort of thing. Is really doing a reality show? It promises to be fascinating.

    • Qitkat

      Schnooki?

      • BrooklynBomber

        Ha!

  • Rand Ortega

    Gawd, what a dummy. Can’t wait for when his 15 minutes are up but he’s the only 1 too stupid not to realize it. That’s when the real pole dancing begins.

  • CatherineRhodes

    Yalta Conference line is golden. Hmmm, wonder who is who? Honey Boo Boo is Churchill, Kim Kardashian is Roosevelt and Snooki has to be Stalin.

    Seriously, though, guys — would you kick Ryan Lochte out of bed?

    • random_poster

      No, but a strict no talking rule would be enforced.

    • MK03

      We wouldn’t even get that far. Whatever dumbass answer he’d have to “Hi, how’s it going?” would have me going “nope, can’t do it.”

  • AmeliaEve

    Hate tie clips. Hate.

  • jw_ny

    As long as he has stamina and endurance, he doesn’t need to talk..just sayin’ ;)

    • formerlyAnon

      Technique. Technique is also good. Stamina without technique gets dull.

      • jw_ny

        1000 likes! XD

  • Imasewsure

    Have no opinion on him since most celebs don’t’ have too much going on upstairs either… nice suit…interesting to see how hard it is to fit these muscle guys but I do appreciate that he tried.

    • demidaemon

      I think that’s an unfair generalization. Now, if we were talking “documentary” reality show “stars”….

  • http://twitter.com/cornekopia Shawn EH

    That jacket is “too tight” just enough to make that Superman chest burst at the seams … canny stylist at work there, methinks.

  • GorgeousThings

    American television: the race for the bottom.

    • formerlyAnon

      I think it’s turned into an excavation now. Hit bottom a while ago.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jackie.atkins.31 Jackie Atkins

    Love the Yalta Conference reference! Heehee.

  • Heather

    In case others are considering it, I briefly tried the “hot but dumb” guy thing, and just… couldn’t. Haven’t since.

    • formerlyAnon

      Yup. Once. Briefly. He was really, really sweet, to top it off. I felt terrible about how intolerant I found myself to be. Fortunately, hot, sweet guys with no malice in ‘em aren’t alone long, so it’s not like I had to feel bad when I dropped him.

      • Heather

        Hilarious! One can have empathy for the hot-but-less-intellectually-endowed types if they have a sweet personality. Mine was both a jerk AND a loser… he really had NOTHING going for him other than the 6-pack!

        • formerlyAnon

          Oh, my memories are so much better than yours. This one had beautiful longish blonde hair and gorgeous, perfect teeth – and he loved to get stoned in the morning and spend 15 minutes just brushing his teeth. LOVED it. It was kind of like hanging out with a mellow yellow lab.

  • fnarf

    Yeah, the suit looks nice, because he was obviously dressed by other people five seconds before. He has no idea how to stand; “just look natural” is a phrase that doesn’t mean anything to him. His shoes look like they’re on the wrong feet, for chrissakes.

  • MikeW_Vegas

    The shoes are bugging me now.. It looks like his heels are higher than the rest of the foot, like he has lifts in them..

  • YourBaloneyDontGotNoSecondName

    I am not too ashamed to admit I like a little bit of trade every now and then.

  • bellafigura1

    I like ‘em dumb.

  • Allyson Wells

    Seriously! What a terrible show. I’d prefer not to know how dumb and annoying he really is. In my mind, he went from hot to not in one episode.

  • TSkot

    Dim or not, that is one handsome face.

  • mozzer0906

    He is dim and also completely full of himself. No thanks for me.

  • B_C_J

    This is a perfect example of a suit coat that does not fit at all!!! The lapels are bowing out over his chest. He needs to go up at least one size. The stylist/fitter should have known much better. UGH

  • Czarina

    Dear TLo, Now you’ve done it — Don Draper is so pissed off that you mentioned his name in such close proximity to this douche bag that he will now have to murder poor dumb Ryan. Thank you.

  • formerlyAnon

    I always hope that folk like him somehow manage to procreate with borderline geniuses. Because he’s certainly got talent that the gene pool could use, but on the other hand . . .

  • jmorino08

    Solution: Watch it on mute.

    Works every time.

  • musicandmochi

    WHY is this idiot famous.
    (A rhetorical question; I already know.)

  • VicD

    Tie bar? WTF?

  • Cordelia_Gray

    For some reason I just want to pat him on the head, hand him a lollipop and tell him to go play.

  • Trisha26

    Just “a little” tight? Ick.

  • Contralto

    Letterman is a complete ass but the young man is extremely handsome.

  • demidaemon

    That must have been a riveting interview.

  • http://twitter.com/jalae Janey

    I find him unattractive even without him opening his mouth. And then he opens his mouth and then I laugh

  • Puckndc

    Guys: I snorted my coffee when you said ” Yalta Conference!!!

  • ccm800

    but his face. no

  • librarygrrl64

    To quote one of my favorite AbFab lines, “a toilet-trained gorilla.”

  • http://www.thirteen.org/program-content/downton-dish-season-3-episode-1/ Gotham Tomato

    He is proof that chlorine kills brain cells.

    –GothamTomato