Cover Girl: Gwyneth Paltrow for Harper’s Bazaar

Posted on April 12, 2013

Darlings, it’s “Choose Your Own Gwynnie” time! You get to choose which version of Gwynnie you’d rather spend the day with!

Will it be:


Happy, sunny, “check out my tits” Gwynnie?

Or will it be:

Pretentious, judgmental “let me tell you what you’re getting wrong” Gwynnie?

Personally, we’d go for the latter. Delusional self-importance can be really hilarious to watch. Case in point:

“I think that women, especially women in my job, come to me because they know I’m very loving and nonjudgmental and I’m not competitive, and I’ve been through a lot. And so they come round to talk about their stuff. I’m a bit of a mother hen. Everyone wants a home-cooked meal and to come over and talk about where they are in their life,” she says. “I love it, and I feel that I have the most incredible women friends, some who are super famous, some who I’ve had since I was four years old. I love it that people will call me up and say, ‘What do you think about this?,’ because my dad was very much that person for everyone in his life. So I feel like I’m carrying on my dad’s spirit in that way.”

Ohmigod, we love her.

Gwynnie of course, has to take the universal concept of “friendship” and claim that she’s somehow doing it better than most people.

Seriously, wouldn’t you love to spend an afternoon listening to her talk like this? We’d be running off to the bathroom every 10 minutes to get the suppressed laughter out and secretly text our bitchiest friends everything she says.


Balenciaga Spring 2013 Collection


Christian Dior Spring 2013 Couture Collection


[Photo Credit: Daniel Jackson for Harper’s Bazaar,]

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  • charlotte

    Is there even one Gwyneth Gooptrow interview without the words “home cooked meal”?
    That said, I wouldn’t have recognized her in the second pic.

    • Little_Olive

      RE. the home-cooked meal: thought THE SAME. C’mon girl, it’s getting ridiculous.

      But oh, I forgot you have *also* mastered the art of laughing at your flaws and faux-passes. My bad, Gwinnie. I want pizza form your home oven now.

  • butterflysunita

    That quote is too funny.

  • Sara

    Of course.

  • sablehunter

    Somehow she seems even more pretentious in a flowered bathing cap.

    • Vlasta Bubinka

      All I could hear was an earworm of Lady Madonna when I saw that pic:
      Lady Madonna, children at your feet
      Wonder how you manage to make ends meet,
      Who finds the money? When you pay the rent?

  • kimbalala

    “not competitive”? Tell that to Winona Ryder.

    • DeborahJozayt

      That was my first thought, too! I secretly blamed Paltrow for Winona’s shoplifting endeavor. She just couldn’t cope with the betrayal.

    • Beardslee

      What happened with her and Winona Ryder? I am in the dark.

      • ScarlettHarlot

        Allegedly: When Ryder was dating Matt Damon and Paltrow was dating Ben Affleck at the same time, they were really close friends…that is until Goopy found the script for Shakespeare in Love at Winona Ryder’s house, and stole the role.

        • Griffinqueen

          Ooo, that’s juicy. Never heard that story.

          • TerryMH

            I feel tremendous love for Winona all of a sudden.

          • Little_Olive

            You never know what really happened, but every time I see Wynona’s masterful acting in (my favorite movie) The Age of Innocence, I’m more on her side.

        • AudreysMom

          Interesting. I’d care more if I could have seen Winona in that role, but no. I’m 50-50 on Fishstick but she was good in SiL (though Cate the Great was better that year).

  • Delysia LaFosse

    Boy, I would’ve thought we could count on Gwynnie to use ‘whom’ correctly in her hilariously pretentious soundbites.

  • Kirsten Flanagan

    Her eye makeup looks like spiders. TLo, I love you, I wish I was your bitchiest friend. Just sayin’.

    •ía-Gavello/1253586868 Lucía Gavello

      I like to think we Bitter Kittens ARE TLo’s bitchiest friends.

  • Rebecca Clifford

    She never ceases to entertain. My Lord. And she’s not competitive! She got to where she is by not being competitive…. I can so totally see that. Oy yoi yoi. BTW, the second picture is better. The first one looks way too ‘shopped. Ahhh, Gwynnie. We love you but you just don’t know in what way. Keep up the good work.

  • Allyn Humphreys

    You guys are tougher than I am . . . I’d be busting out laughing after about 90 seconds!

  • Alexandra Glorioso

    Gwyn is officially an alien.

  • Imasewsure

    I always give her a pass because I had a huge 70’s girl crush on her mom but yes I would constantly feed her my “problems” just to hear her wax on about her philosophies in life. It’s kind of endearing (but also I’m a total subversive bitch like that)…. XXOO

  • SewingSiren

    She looks good in the 1960’s space age bridal baby bonnet. I wish I had an occasion coming up were I could wear one.

    • 3boysful

      She does, but I see Pilgrim Gwynnie.

      • Griffinqueen

        Exactly! I thought “judgemental Puritan Gwynnie”. But I was so wrong, cause it turns out she’s very loving to her Super-famous friends!

      • Sunraya

        I saw Amish Gwynnie.

        • Little_Olive

          It would explain so much home-cooking

        • Lisa_Co

          I saw beekeeper Gwinnie.

      • VicD

        I thought it was Vermeer’s Gwynnie.

      • Eclectic Mayhem

        I saw Goody Gwynnie with the DEVIL!

      • PeaceBang

        I thought it was very Twiggy.

  • notterriblybitter

    “I’ve been through a lot”!? Really? I’d love to hear what she thinks she’s “been through.”

    She really looks like her mother in that second picture.

    • j_anson

      Obviously it’s the contempt and ridicule of mean folks like you who just don’t “get” her journey.

      (kidding – hope that was obvious!)

    • Hetha Innis

      I know. I’ve don’t even fucking say that to people and I recently had to have my tits cut off.

      • Sara Munoz Munoz

        Aww! Gentle hugs.

      • foodycatAlicia

        I used to tell my mother that she needed to take up archery – apparently the Amazons (mythical Greek ones) used to have their boobs off to make the arrows fly straighter. Hope your recovery is smooth.

      • Griffinqueen

        Love and respect to an true Amazon and her lost girls.

      • angryparsnip

        sending hugs

        cheers, parsnip

      • PeaceBang

        All the martinis or hot chocolates or whatever soothes and delights and buckets of it coming to you in spirit.

    • Lori

      On one hand, she had what was apparently a rather scary miscarriage. That’s hard even if you are rich & famous. My heart goes out to anyone who goes through it.

      On the other hand, that happens every day to women who have far fewer resources to help them deal with it. I don’t think having a misery-off is generally helpful, but it is frustrating and sort of disgusting that no awareness of that ever seems to penetrate Gwynnie’s bubble of self-involvement.

    • foodycatAlicia

      That was the line that leaped out at me too. YES she has kids and lost her mother, so she’s only like 85% of women her age, but what else has she been through?

      • Wendi126

        She lost her father. Her mother Blythe Danner is alive.

    • Little_Olive

      She may have been through some.

      But then, WHO HASN’T?

      • angryparsnip

        no lie… I had a miscarriage and then lost a daughter at 2 months, husband walkout when i was 58 with three children …. so gwyinne

        Who Hasn’t ?

        cheers, parsnip

  • Kicky

    Gwyneth is her character from Emma, just without the personal growth or good intentions.

    • Rebecca Clifford

      Beautifully put.

    • Tatiana Luján

      I think she does have the good intentions.

      • kat89

        “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.” (Anonymous)

      • starrika

        That’s why she’s never quite made my hate list. It’s almost endearing how earnest and clueless she is. She seems to mean well, and I’d much rather her than some of the nasty, rude celebs out there.

        • E. D.

          I hate the clueless and tone-deaf, therefore she is #1 on my hate list. Natalie Portman and Julia Roberts battle it out for #2 and #3. Let’s just say the late 90s to late 00s were awful for my moviegoing.

      • Little_Olive

        Yes, annoying and self-involved as she is I think at some level she tries. I actually believe her more than the supposed “humanitarian champions” around Hollywood.

    • kat89


    • Amelia Pitts

      Wow! I didn’t realize that “Kicky” was the handle for Chris Martin or maybe even Blythe Danner because I think only they would have the authority to comment on that since only they and a few others have been behind closed doors with her and not a bunch of know it alls on the internet who read quips in magazines and base most of their opinions on people based on their looks (including myself).

      • Griffinqueen

        Are you one of her super famous friends? Because you are working yourself into a froth. It’s OK, Honey, you don’t have to defend an uber-wealthy, privileged, famous movie star from our little comments. And for the record, Kicky didn’t make any comment about her appearance.

      • MerBearStare

        If you’re this offended by Kicky’s fairly innocuous comment, I would recommend you stay away from 97% of all websites. And especially the comments section of youtube.

      • foodycatAlicia

        Are you new here?

      • Tom and Lorenzo


        This is the second time in a week we’ve had to tell you not to attack other commenters just because they insulted your favorite celebrity. You know what they say about three strikes…

      • PeaceBang

        Oh honey. We insult the “Twilight” cast here, too. It will all get easier by 9th grade, or by Women In Cultural Context Studies Part II, whichever one you hit first.

      • jetpackdino

        Wow! You went straight to Hitler in your first post in this thread. Weak.

    • Victoria vvonbiel


  • Sinéad Doyle

    I really want to hang out with Gwyneth and find out what a home cooked meal is like at her house too.
    However I don’t want to hang out with *this* Gwyneth because these shots are into uncanny valley territory for me. I’m usually not too fussed about ‘shopped cover images but something here is weirding me out.

    • 3boysful

      Sunny Gwynnie looks weird to me. Is it the eyes? The hair blown off her face?

      • Isabel

        From a distance, Sunny G looks like Laurie Holden (a clean version of Andrea from Walking Dead)

      • Sinéad Doyle

        I think #1 is that they’ve kept the smile lines/ wrinkles at her eyes but airbrushed the heck out of the rest of her face which is odd. The eye make up works for the second look but I think you’re right that it’s looking weird in the first shot.

  • Glam Dixie

    Dear Gods she is ridiculously pretentious, isn’t she? And the pilgrim Gwennie makes me laugh. I can’t believe they put her on the cover looking like that.

  • Catiline

    Pure comedy!

  • Janet B

    I’d listen to her all day long, if I had a steady supply of champagne.

    • marlie

      That could be fun. We could make it into a drinking game, where we had to take a sip any time she said something about her exemplary parenting skills, workout regimen, or health food/cooking suggestions. We’d be sh!t-faced in 20 minutes.

      • cowper

        GOOP drinking game! I love it. Chug when you hear “Home-cooked meal,” “quinoa,” “raw kale,” “juice cleanse”–what else?

  • Rafiq Mohamad

    seriously bitch needs to be on a 6 months media blackout. Top of my irrational hate list.

    • KateShouldBeWorking

      Honey, no one thinks that’s irrational.

  • nannypoo

    If all those people would just read goop they wouldn’t have to spend any time with her. I wonder what this “a lot” is that she’s been through. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s exceptionally tragic but the experience helped her become a better person.

    • Jecca2244

      I think she must be, in part, talking about her dad’s early death.

      • Melanie

        She also had a miscarriage, some time after Moses was born (so, her third pregnancy).

  • Sara L.

    She is exactly like the character Catherine Zeta Jones plays in High Fidelity. It is kind of amazing, really, the amount of delusional self importance.

  • j_anson

    She is really on my irrational love list. I totally can’t explain it. It’s absolutely true that her interviews are hilarious pretentious and lack the ghost of hint of awareness of how she’s coming off. And yet somehow I find her hilarious and charming and would totally want to have lunch with her.

    She’d better do the cooking, though.

    • MissAmynae

      I concur. I think its easy to forget that she grew up in Hollywood, surrounded by the finer things in life as normal, everyday things for her. Frankly, I don’t see all that big of a difference between her recommendations and Oprah’s “Favorite Things” show. To those who pooh-pooh her “perfect” life, its pretty well-established that her marriage isn’t the best, and she’s still a human being raising kids and working her butt off, I mean come on. She works hard to keep her kids out of the limelight, and her private life private. Her recipes are also damn good cookin’.

      Pretentious or not, she does seem to genuinely want to share things that have improved her life. I see nothing bad about that.

      • TerryMH

        I didn’t know that it was “well-established that her marriage isn’t the best.” Any details? Okay, I realize that asking for details makes me pathetic but if she’s putting herself out there as an example of how to live one’s life (Thank you Goop for showing us how to dress, cook, entertain and be the best friend ever) I want the full picture.

        • MissAmynae

          I don’t find it pathetic at all. Its been less talked about in the last 2 or 3 years. In the midst of rumors abounding that Chris was having affairs during one of Coldplay’s tours, she miscarried their third child. She also had severe postpartum depression after her second. She’s said in several interviews that they have to work hard at their marriage because of their career paths, that they “fall in and out love” and their “artistic temperaments” can be difficult to manage.

          She actually has credited a lot of the lifestyle changes and choices to “saving” her marriage by stabilizing her mood swings and enabling her to sleep without pills. Who wouldn’t want to share that, if it might help another couple? :-)

          • TerryMH

            Wow – thanks for sharing. You’re right, not so “perfect” after all.

      • bd73

        i thought she grew up in new york, surrounded by social register type privilege.

        • MissAmynae

          Santa Monica as a kid, private prep school there, then private girls’ school in New York. Privilege and high-class-livin’ all around.

    • Tatiana Luján

      Same here.

    •ía-Gavello/1253586868 Lucía Gavello

      I agree, except for the cooking, I like my stuff with calories.

  • Lola Channing

    she’s got January Jone’s mouth on that cover.

  • Jecca2244

    she needs to hire whoever did her hair here for her promotional outings.

    • marlie

      THIS is true. In the first picture, that’s the best her hair’s looked in a LONG time.

      • ballerinawithagun

        And it isn’t lemon yellow.

  • Victor Beiramar Diniz

    that second cover, in the dior, is channeling serious ‘les parapluies de cherbourg’ non?

    • Griffinqueen

      Some of us are not Gwyn’s friends, so we don’t speak French.

      • Victor Beiramar Diniz

        LOL point taken!

        • Eclectic Mayhem

          And some of us are not Gwynneth’s friends, don’t speak French but have heard of the Umbrellas of Cherbourg and agree heartily that Pilgrim Gwynnie is channelling Catherine Deneuve.

    • VictoriaDiNardo

      I was JUST about to post that somewhere I have a postcard of Catherine Deneuve in one of those caps! Was it maybe Paco Rabanne? Now I have to find it….so 60’s.

  • rkdgal

    I definitely choose #2, because she’s going to be pretentious as fuck regardless, so she might as well look the part while she criticizes all the food in your fridge, your cottage-cheese ass, and your horrifyingly inadequate parenting skills.

  • Lola Channing

    Morgan Spurlock should do a Gwynie doc where she has to live in a trailer with beige interior for 7 years.

    • MaryAtRealityTea

      And eat canned food and do a Jane Fonda workout video from 1984 while *gasp* sending her kids to public school, wearing Target clothes, and NO NANNY OR TRACY ANDERSON. I’m pretty sure she’d spontaneously combust into a goop composed of creme de la mer, organic collagen evaporating gluten-free gelatin, and custom Tom Ford free range, grass-fed, non-hormone cow leather pumps. Or something.

      • marlie

        While sending her kids to public school either on foot OR on the school bus.

  • Tuneful54

    When will she get over herself?
    When will she go away?
    She has made this a very trying month.
    I do like the vintage swimcap in the second one. Clever to add a veil!

  • Qitkat

    Evidently I am not as offended by her take on friendship as most. She values it, both the silver and gold*. I love that.

    *Make new friends, but keep the old; one is silver and the other is gold. (from a very old song or poem I heard as a girl)

    • Sarah

      Girl Scouts! We used to sing it in Scouts. I’m not offended by THAT, but she is rather tiresomely self-centered, for someone handing out advice (and she does. I don’t read her blog, but she has quite a few books at the library where I work.)

      • Qitkat

        Oh, I agree with you on the self-centered; her dietary advice truly annoys me too. I read GOOP once, and that was once too many.

  • Kim Baker Vidas Davey-Irvin

    i wonder if winona ryder thinks gwynnie is not competitive.

  • Sunraya

    Neither looks like Gwynnie, although it sure sounds like her! What has this woman done of worthin the last 5 or 10 years??. Can’t she go away???

    • TonyGo

      She died repeatedly in Contagion. That was worth the Red Box $1.00 for me.

  • victoria rodeno

    She is annoying. When does she go back into hibernation?

  • lobsterlen

    Don’t judge unless you have walked a mile in her Louboutins.

  • Beth513

    You know, my hate of the Gwynnie is not irrational. I have good reasons to be at least disgusted by her. Reason #1 – see the above interview. Reason #2 – the existence of GOOP. Need I go on?

    • marlie

      Right with you.

  • MilaXX

    I’ll take look at my tits Gwynnie, cause at some point I’d have to tell pretentious Gwynnie to stfu.
    BTW, She’s making the rounds promoting her latest cook book & Iron Man 3 and bless her heart she is really trying not sound as pretentious as she usually does.

    • formerlyAnon

      I heartily endorse the “bless her heart.”

    • marlie

      Me too. I might accidentally haul off and smack pretentious Gwynnie.

    • marlie

      BTW, **not* pretentious?! “Everybody comes to me because I’m the bestest friend ever”???

  • Bert Keeter

    Shades of young Vanessa Redgrave in the skull cap!

  • Pants_are_a_must

    I’m just enjoying Miss Downey trolling her with those Lederhosen, to be honest. I’m sure it absolutely ruins her Serious Actress Doing Serious Promotion plans.

  • samlouvert

    If they were going to airbrush her to hell like in that second shot, why not just hire Blythe Danner instead of her “tries so hard, but fails miserably” spawn?

  • lizlemonglasses

    That Dior thing is way too “virgin bride” for a 40-year-old women.

    • Little_Olive

      Maybe she uses it to work in her home beehive cultivating organic, free-range (lest the bees be constrained) honey.

      • Qitkat

        I know you’re just making a joke, but I’m a bit pissed that it is at the expense of organic bee keepers. My best friend keeps bees, and the public would do itself a great service by learning more about their contribution. Several times a year it becomes an extremely demanding job, requiring a lot of time and energy, and specialized equipment. Bees are one of the most important links in the web of life as we know it. Organic honey is more delicious and nutritious than anything commercially bottled and homogenized on the grocer’s shelves. Bees rock our world, my dear, in more ways than you can possibly imagine.

  • ScarlettHarlot

    If I ever find myself in a room with her, I am going to have to play a drinking game for every statement she makes that’s distinctly vapid, pretentious, or lacking in self-awareness. I try so hard to like her because I love The Royal Tenenbaums, but she is just so trying.

    • marlie

      You’d be wasted in no time. I think I might have to come with, if it’s going to be that kind of event, though.

  • crash1212

    No Gwynnie hate here. I love her and think she’s a hoot. I would spend an afternoon with either one depicted. So there.

    • MissAmynae

      Yep! Can I come? I’ll bring good cheese!!

  • MaryAtRealityTea

    Good lord – why do I feel a Goop self-help book coming out soon?

    • marlie

      After which you’ll start to hear the heads of Bitter Kittens everywhere bursting in exasperation.

  • formerlyAnon

    Ennui. It seeps. It seeps slowly through my brain . . .

  • marlie

    I’d have to go with “check out my tits” Gwynnie because she’s finally wearing a bra of a sort. And I’d be too likely to smack the other one.

  • Hetha Innis

    So fucking funny to be laughing and gasping right along with you as I’m reading the lines of text! God, she’s a PIECE OF WORK.

  • Jacqueline Wessel

    hahahahahhahahah … as Latrice Royale would say 5Gs please. (Good God, Get a Grip Girl)

  • melissaisasnob

    I couldn’t tolerate having a single cup of tea with her, unless she was paying and I could order something to go.

  • decormaven

    For the love of Mike, magazine editors, please quit PhotoShopping people beyond recognition. If the second shot wasn’t captioned, I would not have recognized her. As for the interview, pffft. She’s putting in her nomination for Gaia of the Modern Day World.

  • renad

    Seriously, no, I can’t hang with this upscale netted sister wife get up. Where in the name of all that is fashion holy would one wear that hideous thing? No thanks. I’ll take tanned, toned, and windblown, even if it is annoying as heck.

    • melissaisasnob

      That headpiece give her an Offred look.

  • Lori

    KStew wore that Balenciaga a while ago, didn’t see? Somehow Gwynnie being on a cover wearing something that KStew already wore seems weird and slightly hilarious to me. Of course that may just be because it’s Friday afternoon, this has been a very long week and I’m a little punchy.

    • Garcia Loca

      To be fair, I think Gwynnie is pulling that top off better than KStew did. On the latter, it looked like surgical bandages, on Goopie, it actually looks like couture.

  • unbornfawn

    She’s insufferable.

    • Lilyana_F


  • azil O

    In my mind she’s wearing the top with the bonnet veil

  • kckris

    you bitches are so bad…i love you

  • NoGovernmentName

    Full disclosure: I have met her. It was a long time ago, circa Se7en. I was in LAX. She was picking up her brother and I was waiting for my cat to get taken off the plane. Her brother had forgotten his guitar in the overhead and was in a pissy mood. Anyway, she was friendly, she chatted with me, and then she pet my cat. I didn’t say OMG YOU ARE GWYNETH PALTROW WHAT IS BRAD PITT LIKE IN BED? but I kinda wish I had now. I just played it off like we were two chicks in the airport hanging out. Anyway, the funniest part is that the guy I was with had no idea who she was. I have to say, she was nice, seemed sweet, and made a positive impression. However, these days she is just riding a wave of self-importance that makes me roll my eyes.
    PS– she is really hot in person. Pix do not do her justice.

  • editrixie

    It’s amazing that she’s still doing that “I own the trademark on that” thing — I still remember when she was the newly minted It Girl and her complaining in Vogue or some other magazine that everyone was stealing her style trademark of the short-sleeved black turtleneck. Man, what must it be like to think you’re best at everything, you’re the one everyone’s trying to be like?

  • Constanza Álvarez Espinoza

    It’s doesn’t look lke her at all. If you didin’t tell me it was her, I wouldn’t have guessed.
    The amount of Photoshop is too damn high.

  • Carly Warnock

    She’s a bit pathetic at times but I love your comments on her delusions. So hilarious.

  • Anniebet

    Yep, the superciliousness clearly outweighs the fact that she is one beautiful woman, the recipient of great genes and the wealth to make the most out of her physical gifts.

  • pugluv

    I have an irrational distaste for Gweneth…compounded by the fact that I lust after her husband. What the heck does he see in this pretentious little snit?

  • Sara Leigh Merrey

    Hahahahahahahaha. That last paragraph is priceless! I have an irrational distaste for Gwyneth, and I don’t lust after her husband. I still wonder what he sees in her.

  • trixietru

    I think she’s a good actress ( not a ‘great’ one) and find her views condescending. Can’t think of anyone who makes 40 look as good as she does + will always believe she had Brad’s best years. It’s good to be Gwyneth. Too bad she feels the need to keep reminding us.

  • Peeve

    As much as she is on my irrational dislike list (although I adore her mom), I have to admit I was reluctantly surprised at how great she was on Glee. I think I’ll pass on both Gwynnie iterations above and choose the Gwyneth that went on a food tour with Mario Batali.

  • Andrea Lane

    Those pictures so uncanny valley, I actually can’t tell if it’s Gwyneth or a very well-designed Sim.

  • MzzPants

    Let’s all help Girlie get through the hard times by buying her bullshit book! Yay!

  • guest2visits

    Holy cats. What a post; entertaining and informative. I just haven’t got anything remotely interesting to add.
    She doesn’t cross my mind ever, except when I see her in a movie or a magazine.
    She’s not on my best-est actress list but she’s had some good performances.
    These are some pretty looks. I’m tired of the straw straight hair-do; so the one with life and movement
    looks best to me. The 2nd looks like a comedic pose…. I just can’t take her expression seriously.

  • Frank Lithium


  • Kent Roby

    I want to schedule lunch with Gwennie and Hathaway, but totally stand them up while I lunch publicly with Emma Roberts and Jennifer Lawrence instead.

  • Phyllis Craine

    20 years ago shewas the blonde ingenue we all wanted to be…now she’s just teh endearing, clueless, harmless and annoying sister/SIL/friend/coworker that we all know

  • heartbot

    “I’ve been through a lot.” *snort*

  • mary_berry

    Oh for sure I choose Goody Paltrow. She is really earnest, that’s why she just keeps on being this hilariously unaware. If it were an act, she’d give it up when she saw how many people hate her for it. I think this is just how she is. I find her mildly annoying but mostly harmless.

  • jetpackdino

    i’m gonna just bury this comment here… On a rather quiet thread. I’ve been thinking about this for a few days.

    Gwynnie, what’s the *worst* thing that’s ever happened to you. I know your father passed on, and I offer you my condolences. But there are some of us out here that are your exact same age, and we have kids and yada yada, and we are going through some epic, epic shit. I’m not saying you have 3 weeks to pick you next form of chemotherapy, like I do. Hell, what a really pathetic place it would be if that were the case, right?

    But please, some sensitivity, or something. Mother hen? You? I’m sorry. Most of your friends don’t come to you for advice for anything more troubling than a hangnail.

    Now get that hair trimmed. Or at least put it up. If you don’t I’m gonna start looking for electrical outlets & USB plugs, because you seem more synthetic than organic at this point. And your cookbook isn’t fooling anyone.

  • jetpackdino

    “Mother hen?”

    Her friends don’t go to her for help with anything more serious than a hangnail, and we know that because Gwyneth CLEARLY can’t solve the problem of her own split ends.