All right, people. Here’s everyone we didn’t get to. We’re exhausted, so they’re only going to get the quick n’ dirty, drive-by assessment. We almost feel bad about that but hey, if they’d worn something really impressive, they wouldn’t have wound up stuck in this rundown, now would they?
Hit it, also-rans!
Amanda Seyfried in Alexander McQueen
It’s not fair to saddle her with all the blame for the hundreds of thousands of washed-out dresses last night, but we did kinda throw up our hands by the time she got out of her limo. It’s pretty enough, but we think she’s a gal who needs color.
Amy Adams in Oscar de la Renta
Nothing says “Academy Award Nominee” like a dress that looks like a dirty dust ruffle.
Catherine Zeta-Jones in Zuhair Murad
Mrs. Michael Douglas is NOT FOOLING AROUND, PEOPLE. SHE’S BACK – AND YOU WILL PAY ATTENTION TO HER.
Fan Bingbing in Marchesa
We loves ourselves some Bing Bing, but this is just a bit too “folded-napkin.” Pretty, though.
Helena Bonham Carter in Vivienne Westwood
We’ve seen better from you, Missie. Your hair’s a fright and your dress looks like a pile of laundry.
Helen Hunt in H&M
Helen Hunt, to Ryan Seacrest: “My dress is from H&M!”
Tom & Lorenzo, to Helen Hunt: “It looks it!”
Jacki Weaver in Rani Zakhem
Bless her heart. We have no idea what the poor dear was thinking.
Jane Fonda in Atelier Versace
Miss Fonda kindly requests that you eat it, bitches.
Jenna Dewan-Tatum in Rachel Roy
We give her a lot of credit for not going flowy right now, nor is she doing the “LOOK AT MY BUMP” thing. It’s an unusual choice for a preggo, but she looks pretty good.
Jennifer Hudson in Roberto Cavalli
We don’t love the matchy-but-not-quite shoe, but the dress is gorgeous.
Kelly Osbourne in Tony Ward Couture
This looks fine here, but it all got very sloppy very quickly on camera. When they ran out of celebrities to talk to (and by the way, what happened there?) and were seated at that giant E! conference table, she was all askew.
Kelly Rowland in Donna Karan Atelier
Could’ve done with a slightly more demure slit, but the dress is dramatic and gorgeous. Jamie Foxx was certainly in awe. He practically drooled on her.
Kerry Washington in Miu Miu
Very, very pretty. Love the color. The bodice looks a bit stiff and heavy, though.
Kristen Stewart in Reem Acra
This is one of the worst formal outfits we’ve ever seen her in. It washes her out and it’s terribly unflattering to her shape.
Kristin Chenoweth in Tony Ward Couture
It’s a lot of dress, but it’s the Oscars, so you might as well go for it. We think she looks awesome.
Melissa McCarthy in David Meister
Worst of the night – by FAR. And it pains us to have to say so, because it really doesn’t have to be like this. This is a pinned, draped, voluminous nightmare in battleship gray – totally and utterly unflattering. The opposite of pretty. Melissa, whoever told you you were stuck dressing like this because of your size is an IDIOT.
Olivia Munn in Marchesa
She looks like a box of Valentine’s chocolates – which is not a bad thing at all. She looks great with some makeup on her; something we’re not used to seeing.
Queen Latifah in Badgley Mischka
Pretty much flawless.
Reese Witherspoon in Louis Vuitton
Pretty. A little stiff. We don’t love the cups or the titbow.
Salma Hayek in Alexander McQueen
It’s a crime to do that to those magnificent boobs.
Samantha Barks in Valentino
She kept it very simple, with just enough sex appeal. Seems like a funny thing to say about a gown plunging down to there, but it struck us as a classy way to go when you know you’ll be standing next to Anne Hathaway and Amanda Seyfried on stage.
Sandra Bullock in Elie Saab
It’s pretty, but we’ve seen her in this a dozen times.
SEVENTY-SIX YEARS OLD, PEOPLE. Bow down.
Stacey Keibler in Naeem Khan
Stunning. One of the absolute best of the night.
Zoe Saldana in Alexis Mabille Couture
We think the top half gets a little too fussy and precious, but we love the bottom half and those layered hems.
Alright, kittens. We are OSCAR’D OUT. We’ll be back early in the a.m. with all the best and worst of the after-parties! Ciao, darlings! Daddy and Daddy have to go pass out now.
[Photo Credit: Andrew Evans/PR Photos, Getty]
Tags: Alexander McQueen, Alexis Mabille Couture, Amanda Seyfried, Amy Adams, Atelier Versave, Badgley Mischka, Catherine Zeta-Jones, David Meister, Donna Karan, Donna Karan Atelier, Elie Saab, Fan Binbing, H&M, Helen Hunt, Helena Bonham Carter, Jacki Weaver, Jane Fonda, Jenna Dewan-Tatum, Jennifer Hudson, Kelly Osbourne, Kelly Rowland, Kerry Washington, Kristen Stewart, Kristin Chenoweth, Louis Vuitton, Marchesa, Melissa McCarthy, Miu Miu, Naeem Khan, Olivia Munn, Oscar de la Renta, Oscars, Oscars 2013, Queen Latifah, Rachel Roy, Rani Zakhem, Red Carpet, Red Carpet Rundown, Reem Acra, Reese Witherspoon, Roberto Cavalli, Salma Hayek, Samantha Barks, Sandra Bullock, Shirley Bassey, Stacy Keibler, Tony Ward, Tony Ward Couture, Valentino, Versace, Vivienne Westwood, Zoe Saldana, Zuhair Murad