Jennifer Lopez in Preen

Posted on February 15, 2013

We stared at these pictures for quite a while, our brains scrambling desperately to make sense of what we were seeing. After a time, we found ourselves voicing the same conclusion; the only conclusion one could make, really.

 

Jennifer Lopez attends the Topshop Topman LA Opening Party in Los Angeles in a Preen dress paired with Brian Atwood sandals.

Brian Atwood Colorblock Leopard-Print T-Strap Sandal

This bitch has LOST IT. We think we speak for all humanity when we say, “…the FUCK?”

Where is our supervillainess? Our Diva Magnifica? Our Drag Superstar? WHAT IS THIS MESS?

J Lo, we hate to do this to you, because what we are about to say will induce in you paroxysms of rage and accompanying mascara-streaked, vase-smashing, assistant-firing meltdowns, which will then give way to a bone-crushing despair that will open up the possibility of adopting the lifeplan of never getting out of bed again. Brace yourself.

You look like an eccentric 70-year old with too much money.

 

Everybody! RUN! She’s gonna blow!

 

 

 

[Photo Credit: Getty, neimanmarcus.com]

    • http://profiles.google.com/adj.blair Adriana Blair

      Alyssa (RPDR) must’ve learned how to give face from JLo, judging by these pictures.

    • http://www.snoskred.org/ Snoskred

      You look like an eccentric 70-year old with too much money. <— who is about to sneeze, also. What is with the sneeze face she is giving here?

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=14301272 Kate Gorton

        That’s “her” look. I watched her step and repeat at the Grammys, and she makes the exact same face at every little “X” of tape. 

        • MoHub

           I think she’s simply had her face pulled so taut, it’s permanently locked in that look.

        • kikisayshi

           I’m pretty sure that’s her sexyface (so she thinks anyway). I saw old RC pics of her (a la green plunging Versace Grammy dress) from 10+ years ago and she was giving all pretty smiles. I am so over the bitchface from all of these 35+ ladystars.

      • Vlasta Bubinka

        I was thinking 70 year old in a bad drag revue in the ’70s performing to either “Copacabana” or “Do You Like Pina Coladas?”  This character is Miss Kiki, and she hasn’t perfected the lip synch yet.

        • littlemac8

          I’m so happy now! I just had a great snorting laugh over Miss Kiki.  Her dream is to sing a duet with Barry Manilow!!  (Sotto voce: never to be realized…)

          • Vlasta Bubinka

            No, she won’t. Quel dommage. She’ll spend her days singing Bette and Babs into a tatty hairbrush.

      • CakesOnAPlane

        Girl is smizing so hard, I think she may have pulled a muscle.

      • LambeeBaby

         I think her sinuses were bothering her and she couldn’t mouth breathe.

    • BrooklynBomber

      You look like an eccentric 70-year old with too much money.

      Perfect.

    • FrayedMachine

      Her face giving seems permanently stuck in confused/confuzzled but I guess I’d look like that, too, if I were wearing that.

    • Sobaika

      She looks totally cray cray right now.

      • oldbobbydraper

        i literally flinched upon setting eyes on her.

    • E. D.

      DISASTER.

    • Tatiana Luján

      Where did she get the idea that that face expression with her mouth open makes her look good? I couldn’t even focus on the mess of her clothes.

      • GorgeousThings

        She looks like a grouper fish with her mouth open like that.

        • Vlasta Bubinka

          didn’t there used to be a cartoon about a evil, self-centered grouper?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1576973112 Patricia Groves Dobrowski

      If there was ever a perfect time for a patented Michael Kors “disco ball explosion” comment, it would be now.

      • zbird17

        That’s a SNAKE skin disco ball explosion… even better.

        • bitchybitchybitchy

          Somewhere there are the flayed bodies of Burmese pythons rotting away, their skins used for this horror.

    • Jecca2244

      I like the dress by itself but the shoes are too complicated for the look and the collar clashes with the lipstick. 

    • Pants_are_a_must

      It says something, when JLo is covered from head to toe and it’s horrific. Wow. 

      And I never thought I’d see the day where a shoe would be too much for her.

      • MilaXX

         don’t you just imagine they go “Clump, clump” every time she takes a step?

        • Pants_are_a_must

          I’m imagining she actually had an assistant carry her everywhere in those shoes, a-la Wintour.

        • sojourneryouth

           Seriously!  Those are some Angry Shoes.  They are also Schizophrenic.  And Suffering from Leprosy.  They are some of the ugliest shoes I have ever seen, is what I’m saying.

      • 3boysful

         I was going to say that at least we have a star dressed for winter during the winter.

        But she needs to retreat to her spa/dressing room, have an elegant soak, and have her assistant buy up all of these photos.

    • Lori

      I realize that in the big scheme of the crazy she’s working here this is a small thing, but why is she wearing that lipstick? 

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jessica-TallGirl-Freeman/1043623567 Jessica TallGirl Freeman

        Isn’t that the exact shade 70 year olds with too much money in Miami wear? Pretty sure it is. 

    • DinaSews

      Sadly this woman refuses to grow old gracefully. Bucking the system jokes at the Grammys, giggling like a school girl when asked a question, dressing like a 20 year old (no explanation for THIS), and trying to put on a sexy face.  I much preferred her before her ‘comeback’. 

      • Sobaika

        Hmm. I have sort of the opposite reaction to her. I love that she looks this great after twins, has had the same Cavalli-by-way-of-the-Bronx aesthetic for years (the drag queen in me applauds), is a woman past a certain age (25) and past a certain size (2) and is unapologetic about it all. Basically everything you mention is a positive for me. I also still want to scream SELENASTAQUI!!! every time I see her face.

        I have no excuses for this outfit though. Bad bad bad.

        • MilaXX

           agree, I don’t mind when she’s rocking the diva look, but this is fug with no purpose.

        • RebeccaKW

           I’m with you on all points.

          (I love the shoes.  Not with this outfit, but they are right up my alley.)

        • DinaSews

          Don’t get me wrong, I love the DIVA look!  But there is ‘knowing it’ and ‘forcing it’ and I think she forces it.  To me it all screams fake instead of sexy.  She has a rockin bod for any age.

        • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_PVIY3NBCZJAJNFWDBCWG2DMKL4 Jen R

          Sorry, anyone who has her money and resources (nannies, butlers, personal trainers and $$$) can look great after twins. I’m just saying. 

    • http://twitter.com/almcafee Alison McAfee

      those shoes are strangely phenomenal. I need them in a “where-the-hell-would-I-ever-wear-these-glorious-things” kind of way.

      • Sobaika

        I LOVE THEM. Just not here on this getup.

        • LongTall_Sally

           Or with black tights, ever.

        • PeaceBang

          I love them too, but as furniture.

      • l_c_ann

        If your daughter wanted to marry a guy from a total snob family, you’d wear those shoes and that dress for the first (and probably last) meeting with his family.

        • http://twitter.com/almcafee Alison McAfee

          thanks for describing every date I’ve ever been on ;) ridiculous shoes for life!

      • Funkykatt

        I checked, they are on sale for only about $500.00.  Here is your big chance, just don’t eat for a month. 

        • judybrowni

          There’s a reason they’re on sale.

    • VicksieDo

      She must have srsly pissed off her team!  At least her stylist!! 

    • Jessica Rowe

      AGREE! Oh JNO.  No no no no no no no.

    • lilibetp

      This is just all kinds of wrong.  NOTHING is working here.

    • twocee

      All bow down to our new alien overlord.

    • LuisaNL

      oh, honey, no. just, no. dig the shoes tho. 

    • http://twitter.com/UtterlyCreative Utterly Creative

      She looks like a drag queen who dresses up in drag for the very first time at the age of 58 and gets it all wrong so she is really, really sour about it.  btw what about that make up on her forehead? is this supposed to look like that?

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1576973112 Patricia Groves Dobrowski

        I doubt the makeup line all across her hairline was intentional.  I’d bet someone’s about to get fired for that.

        • SassieCassy

          bad blending

    • Susan Collier

      Rccentric 70-year old with too much money… or a Kardashian. Same thing really.

      • Sobaika

        I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… Kim Kardashian would never.

        *hangs head in shame*

    • Deac82

      Wearing a solid black skin tight dress that fully covered her appendages?  Those shoes could have worked.

      Btw, everyone needs to check out Advanced Style to see how the truly awesome 70-year olds dress :)

    • Judy_J

      I am astounded…..how could she appear in public looking like that?

    • http://profile.yahoo.com/F4H4ZBPJLBRNQKOGM7OUZSFSPY queencee

      Does she not realize how ridiculous that “smolder” face (that she constantly makes) looks? Can Tyra give her some smizing lessons or something?

      • mhleta

        It’s so forced and phony. Does she think we’re all looking at her going, “Wow, she can barely contain her sexuality. She’s a lioness!”

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=14301272 Kate Gorton

      Hey, it’s at least more interesting than all of that BEIGE we’ve been seeing.

    • BayTampaBay

      The pink lip stick clashes big time with orange neckline.

    • l_c_ann

      I could take some of the sparkly fabric and make it into something beautiful.

    • StellaZafella

      Clearly, she fired her gays and this is what they sent her in the mail…she wore it anyway, because she just doesn’t think anyone could hate her THIS MUCH!

    • http://twitter.com/foodycatAlicia foodycatAlicia

      It’s sort of Solid Gold Dancer goes to meetings.

      • Kayceed

        Hee! And you know she had a minion call to find out about the backdrop so she could coordinate.

    • Cloveradams

      That outfit, it has to be said, has everything: Squares (*textured* squares), stripes, florals, metallics, pumpkin trim, black trim, an elbow-patchy carryover from the front of the dress to the back, leopard (with turquoise piping), and bright orange. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen fabric (?) drape (?) quite like this – it looks like wrapping paper you’d use for a gift for Morticia Addams.

    • http://twitter.com/purpleprose78 purpleprose78

      I think this is a case where you can have either the shoe or the outfit.  You can’t have both.

    • OrigamiRose

      Maybe this was Caspar’s once a month “you get to dress me” challenge.

    • MilaXX

      THAT. IS. AWFUL! Hate the in head hair, wtf wearing a pink lip with those colors. If there ever was a look calling out for a nude lip, this is it. I’m so-so on the dress, but not on board with pairing it with tights. And then we get to the true needle scratch,…. the shoes.
      I CAN NOT with this look. 

      • http://twitter.com/foodycatAlicia foodycatAlicia

         I think she’s cruising for stress alopecia scraping her hair back like that. Her hairline looks not quite right.

    • schadenfreudelicious

      JLo, please close your mouth, the constant sexy time face is making me very uncomfortable…the outfit should be burned with fire but it appears to be flame retardant…

    • http://twitter.com/Glam_Dixie Glam Dixie

      That lipstick is tragic and for some reason those shoes just scream Jersey shore to me. I can’t imagine anyone NOT from Jersey ever wearing those shoes. Awful. And I know you weren’t asking, but this is an OUT from me.

    • carpediva

      The absolute worst she has ever looked, FULL STOP.

      It might be the worst that anyone has ever looked.

    • AnnaleighBelle

      Can’t she breathe through her nose?  Her “fierce” face makes her look congested.

      The dress is hiddy and unflattering, the shoes are an insult to the sighted, and, as Cintra Wilson once said, J-Lo is j-l’Over.

    • VeryClaire

      The only ugly things in this look, from the top: the hair, the lipstick, the dress, the jewelry, the shoes.

      The good things: um, her tights and her nails?

    • http://twitter.com/lisledanielle Danielle Lisle

      That shit cray.

    • formerlyAnon

      Are we CERTAIN that her boyfriend didn’t design that dress? I  mean, I know it is attributed to Preen, but there’s no other reason I can think of to wear it. Much less in public, in which to be photographed.

      “You look like an eccentric 70-year old with too much money” AND a surprisingly youthful command of high-heeled platforms.

      • http://twitter.com/foodycatAlicia foodycatAlicia

         Maybe Preen’s a low talker? This certainly looks like a puffy shirt incident.

    • kschwarting

      How many disco balls had to die to make that dress?

    • decormaven

      “Everybody! RUN! She’s gonna blow!”… and metallic glitter will fly everywhere. 
      Is there a shot of this design from the back? It defies description.

    • butter nut

      that face!  it’s the same stupid, slack-jawed, “smizing” shit she does every time there’s a camera pointed at her.  can we please start making fun of people who serve too much face?

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VZLU6YVO4BRTELTTH3GRAAMWZQ Dot

        Her face looks so fucking stupid, I can can barely look at photos of her. What part of that expression does she think looks good? She looks like she smelled a fart.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jessica-TallGirl-Freeman/1043623567 Jessica TallGirl Freeman

        I think the absolute worst part is that she looks absolutely stunning when she smiles/laughs.  The smizing is just ridiculous. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000088447181 Sam Smith

      I like that the dress pattern matches the carpet, was that planned?  

      The dress is okay if paired with different shoes, a different lipstick color, up a size and different hair.  

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jessica-TallGirl-Freeman/1043623567 Jessica TallGirl Freeman

      I could only come up with “…the fuck?” myself. And if she doesn’t stop it with that damn face she makes…I am at a loss for words with this one…except that no one thinks she is as cool as she is. It will be the death of her popularity. 

    • GorgeousThings

      Did you ever see the movie “Robots”? She looks like Robin Williams’ character in the dance sequence at the end.

    • unbornfawn

      “You look like an eccentric 70-year old with too much money.”  Exactly! I might have to add a pissed off one. What’s with the bitch face all the time?

      • Sara__B

         The Fug Girls have a photo of her SMILING in this outfit! (No teeth are showing, but it’s still a smile.) Amazing.

    • Annabelle Archer

      “…the only conclusion one could make, really.” As I scrolled down all I kept thinking is “She has lost her damn mind.”  Glad to see we are in agreement. This one could take the Fug Madness title this year, she is a contender for sure!

    • alyce1213

      Preheat oven to 350.  Bake for 1 hr.

    • afabulous50

      I saw these pictures earlier and I KNEW you were going to show this!!  BRAVO!!  She looks like a hot mess!

    • jw_ny

       wow…that is some seriously bad taste! 

    • mhleta

      It’s crazy, but I kind of like the shoes! They’re wonderfully drag. The dress is definitely Long Island wife of a plastic surgeon out for lunch at Le Cirque. 

      • http://twitter.com/DarthJaeda Jaeda Laurez

        I love the shoes too, but not like this.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1129137319 Paula Pertile

      She’s gonna go full Sunset Boulevard one day. 

    • margaret meyers

      Head to toe Fashion Victim.  Nothing here is working. Including her Bitch Face.

    • http://profile.yahoo.com/DBSIHWVY4ECXGNXAXFXJMSCNIE Katrin

      I think this zoomed right by THE FUCK and landed smack in the middle of DA FUQ??

      • Annabelle Archer

        It’s true.  She’s too crazy for proper English at this point. 

    • janierainie

      I was thinking the same thing she has LOST it!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=755957928 Veronica Russek

      She looks fat in that dress and those nails are downright scary!

      • OrigamiRose

        It’s a testament to just how cray cray this look is that for once, I didn’t notice the nails.

    • Stubenville

      Where’s Kors with a disco comment when you need him?

    • Alexandra Simons

      Hola lovers! I am now certifiably bat-shit cra-cray. That is all.
       

    • kaycem

      like an outfit that an eccentric 70 year-old might wear, i like all the pieces individually (those shoes are cray, but i still love them) but NOT together.  and black tights?  it *almost* would’ve been semi-okay if the tights hadn’t come into play.  

      no, i lie: the pink lipstick, every piece of jewelry, the nails / nail color … all of that PLUS the tights need to poof-be-gone to make this an almost semi-okay look.

    • B_C_J

      Gorgeous woman in a heinous dress wearing heinous shoes.

    • A.

      I think the shoes or pretty cute, but when you pair it with that dress it all just reads way too much.

    • ConnieBV

      “You look like an eccentric 70-year old with too much money.” Yep, JLo from the neck up, Betsey Johnson from the neck down.

    • Tamara Hogan

      OMGWTFBBQ.

    • UglyTalents

      I hope to someday be an eccentric 70-year-old with too much money! Also, I’m sorry but I kind of love the shoes. Just not with that mylar-balloon dress. 

    • plinkiedoodle

      As much as I love you, Jlo my dear, our favorite gay uncles are right…

    • MzzPants

      It’s high time she received her own category and judging criteria on this blog.  She certainly defies all other standards.

    • http://twitter.com/PhDKnitter marlie

      Those shoes are godawful, and I really hate the severe bun that she always resorts to. Also, the color of her lipstick is making my eye twitch – it’s too much of a non-complimentary contrast to the fugliness that she’s wearing. 

    • editrixie

      The terrible dress, the tights, the awful shoes, the horrible hair and landed-fish face…I have the vapors.

    • Martha Deutsch

      Who decided that that facial expression a person makes right before a sneeze was hot or flattering? 

    • snarkykitten

      I can hear our Orange Dutchess crowing: she looks like a disco ball!!

    • patticake1601

      I just can’t get past the fact that she matches the background letters. The whole outfit is fug.

    • Dagney

      I love this.  I would wear that entire outfit.  

    • Alyssa

      Poor JLo must being going through a crisis of sorts right now to even consider leaving her house (or hotel, or whatever!) like this. This is not the diva we’ve come to know & expect!

    • wawawah

      Wrong, wrong, wrong! 

    • J. Preposterice

      all I can think is “Tron”.

    • YourBaloneyDontGotNoSecondName

      buffalo bill from silence of the lambs has gone into fashion, and he made JLO an outfit out of fergie.

    • http://twitter.com/dollsaga Dollsaga

      Modern Granny out for a Disco Night.

    • GTrain

      i love it when exceptionally vain people look a hot damn mess.

      • NYCGlamourpuss

        It really is amazing – it makes my day!

    • fauxhawk

      Dammit, when will she ever close her mouth? It’s driving me crazy! She’s so gorgeous but I can’t take that pose anymore…

    • http://twitter.com/#!/Space_Kitty Space Kitty

      Random detail, but seriously: is it possible for a shade of lipstick to clash any harder with its surroundings?

    • nannypoo

      And again with that face. You don’t look fierce, Honey. You look dim.

    • Scarlet39

      She has got to stop making those faces.  It’s not sultry,  It’s not sexy.  It’s stupid.

    • Melizmatic

      Gurl… NO.

    • RocknRollmom

      And one should never dress bat-crap crazy if it is going to make you look fat!!  And then …those nails?!   With that lip color?  The mind boggles.

    • Call me Bee

      It was not so bad…till I got to the shoes.  They just put her in crazy country. 

    • peachy

      has she taken up residence at Grey Gardens? good lord.

    • demidaemon

      That’s a lot of look.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Irene-Wroclai/733770581 Irene Wroclai

      Hideous from head to toe. 

    • NYCGlamourpuss

      I love when you put up posts where we get to make fun of JLo.  LOVE them.   They’re more fun than knowing that there’ll be an “Of course!” at the end of every Lea Michele post!

      And this?  She looks like a 70 year old TV dinner!

    • Lilithcat

      We think we speak for all humanity when we say, “…the FUCK?”

      My reaction exactly.

    • kikisayshi

      Tacky-ass mess!

    • http://www.facebook.com/sara.m.hottman Sara Hottman

      a) Love the shoes, I’ll be honest. b) Why does her photo face look like she’s about to sneeze?

    • http://vhanna26.typepad.com Vera

      Fire everyone, but keep the shoes.

    • samo_samo

      I kinda like the shoes a lot…but absolutely not with that disco ball of a dress. 

    • unbornfawn

      Wait a minute, didn’t I see those shoes in Tron?

    • quiltrx

      I hate her version of ‘giving face’.  She always looks like someone just called her a cunt or something.  Maybe they did.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=720946720 Carolyn Smrcka

      My exact reaction was: “Dude. What. Dude. What. Dude. What. Dude. What. No no no no no no no no no no no no no.”

    • kathrineb

      That is one hell of an ugly dress.

    • harlowish

      Thank you, gentlemen, for posting so many pictures of her in this outfit.  Scrolling down was the best laugh I’ve had all day.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=603005248 Jeff Warhurst

      What a sad woman.

    • http://twitter.com/AShinyOConnor A Shiny O’Connor

      It’s like she won the hiddy matching contest. 

    • PeaceBang

      I knew this would happen. I’ve been saying for a year that chica needs a serious vacation. This is a cry for help. Also, why does she have to stand like a centaur? 

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001998855370 Fatima Siddique

      My reaction to this was “of course”. And that she needs to close her mouth. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1405004314 Cindi Tracy Aune

      She got dressed in the dark.

    • ccm800

      add to list of shit about this one that annoys me to no end: mouth breather. SHOT THE HOLE

    • AllegraS

      Am I the only one who gets Spiderman’s web when looking at that thing she is wearing? Why on heaven’s name anyone would do that not only to herself but to those who may have the misfortune of seeing… that…thing. And those shoes are someone’s revenge against all women. Or maybe who ever committed that crime against good taste – leave aside “design” – should be forced to wear them in New York crossing the street against the light. 

      • joancarol

        Tron

        • AllegraS

          Yes! I completely forgot about Tron but that too.

    • Jennifer Coleman

      All she needs is giant, black horned-rimmed glasses.

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      What is the world coming to when a diva falls so far?  Run, run for your lives!

    • Anniebet

      Can’t. Stop. Giggling.

    • http://twitter.com/Nanskatoon Nancy Skaggs

      WHY DOES SHE KEEP DOING THAT TIGHT BUN HAIRSTYLE?? It looks AWFUL. Who is she listening to??

    • Lisa M. (ReVoir) Kramp

      Ah TLo, you’re psychic! Although the phrase that escaped from my lips was, “What the BLOODY FUCK????”

    • Valerie Jones

      Wilhelmina Slater, 2040!

    • http://twitter.com/thenEDIEsaid Edith

      She’s currently being styled by R and M. They are doing her so wrong.

    • BigWhiteGrannyPanties

      That lipstick is wrong.  It makes my eyes spontaneously tear up.

    • libraangel

      Thank you for all the laughs you give me, T&L. What can I say? Where can I start? Explosion in the disco? I don’t know. And what is up with the tight hair lately: instant Botox?

    • bd73

      she’s not a diva: she is disco itself. (she lost a bet or let her children pick that out.)