Girl, That’s Not Your Dress: Fergie in Gucci

Posted on February 08, 2013

Oh, GURL. Someone talked you into this, didn’t they?


Fergie attends the premiere of ‘Safe Haven’ in Los Angeles in a Gucci dress paired with Alexander McQueen clutch.

Gucci Resort 2013 Collection/Model: Bette Franke

Fire them.

Okay, as we have said, that is NOT your dress, hon. It’s kind of a fabulous dress, but we don’t like all that foofaraw up on the shoulders. Besides, the shape is doing nothing for you; nothing good, anyway. It makes you look so busty and wide that, when you combine it with that TOTALLY ill-advised “Valley of the Dolls” hair, you come off looking like Ethel Merman in a minidress. We’re going to go out on a limb here and declare that, when you stood in front of your mirror earlier that day, you DIDN’T say “I want to look like Ether Merman tonight at my boyfriend’s movie premiere.” Go home, take this off, and start over.

Also: that clutch is just way too much.


[Photo Credit: Emiley Schweich / PR Photos,]

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    • Vlasta Bubinka

      She looks really good. Awesome legs… and at 50, she looks great.

      • Watts

         She could play Kirstie Alley’s older sister.

        • StellaZafella

           Sorry, if Kirstie wore this dress and hair we’d know beyond a shadow of a doubt she was laughing (with us) at herself…
          This is just wrong, and kind of sad…Gays can’t even have been responsible for this. Fergie needs to hire some, in spite of what her man might say.

        • Kristin McNamara

          I was thinking she looked like Kirstie Alley too!

          • Girl_With_a_Pearl

            I was thinking Kristen Johnston who also looks like Kirstie Alley.

        • Vlasta Bubinka

          I prefer them playing identical cousins Saffy and Saphie Baldester, who move to Boston to open a music store that caters to women. They call the store Bald Rocks, which is also the name of the show.

          Just seeing it typed like this gives me a warm feeling in my girlie regions. You know, my brain.

        • gracedarling

           I just came here to comment on the Kirstie Alley vibe! I’ve never noticed it before, but I don’t think now I’ll be able to unsee it.

      • alyce1213


      • nyll18

         I wondered what her age is after looking at these photos. 37. Ouch. I think plastic surgery backfires as much as it helps. (see: Lohan, Lindsay)

        • Carly Warnock

          I think it isn’t that she’s had plastic surgery so much as she used to be giant meth-head and that messed up her look and aged her pretty badly, again like Lindsay Lohan 😉

      • Oh, *SNAP*.

      • She does look about 50 in these pics, doesn’t she? That’s sad, considering she’s not even 40 yet. 

      • LOL – she’s 37!

      • Nelliebelle1197

         How old is she really? She can’t be 37. Her neck is 52 if it is a day. I am 42 and I look a hell of a lot younger than that even in closeup and with all illusions shattered

    • Sobaika

      THAT HAIR!!!!!

    • charlotte

      Oooh no (insert Kenneth the Page voice)!

    • petalfrog

      Love the shoes and clutch… but why does her neck and face look like that 50 year old who got a face lift but forgot about her neck?

    • ChiliP

      Um, not body snarking because I think this is entirely caused by photo shop, but- what happened to that model’s knees?? Specifically her knee caps. She looks like she has Barbie legs glued to her body.

      • My thoughts exactly! Someone needed to be told to back away from their computer.

    • Yulie29

      The hair. Just no.

      Also, this dress and her chest do not go together well at all.

    • karenbttc

      Husband’s movie premiere, not boyfriend. Actually married for four years already.

      • Lori

        Four years, and I still can’t figure them out. I find them a perplexing couple, even by celebrity standards.

    • Meg0GayGuys6

      In the first picture, I thought something in her hair was being censored.  

      • ClevelandburbsBeth

         Hee hee!

    • I actually love the accessories and hair, but agree. a girl her shape (and mine) does not look good in a dress like that.

      • She needs to let the cleavage breathe; this dress is strangling it.

    • No.

      Was she trying to look young? Cause…she failed.

      • SRQkitten

        Failed drastically, I would say.


    • it looks like she went up a couple of cup sizes.

    • Anathema_Device

      First laugh-out-loud moment of the day. Oh my god.

      The clutch is totally fabulous, but not with the DIY-looking dress. ugh. The shoulder detail looks like she hot-glued a bunch of shit from the Michael’s post Christmas sale to her dress.

      The hair. Oy. 

      • AthenaJ

        The orange detailing with the black dress screams fall/Halloween table decorations to me

        • Anathema_Device

          That makes sense. They would be on an even deeper discount!

    • MzzPants

      Believe me, I’m a stickler for proper support.  But here, her boobs look hoisted to the point of pain.  Let’s loosen those straps a bit, shall we?

      • WhiteOprah

        I was thinking that her bra looks (Really) padded- there is something seriously amiss with it.  

      • Kristin McNamara

        To me, from what lines you can see under the boobs part of the dress, it actually looks like the outline of a sports bra! Like, the uniboob top seam of a sports bra. WTH?

        Whatever it is, it is NOT doing her chest any favors.

        • wuffgal

          I recall some other posts about her looking rather, um, “refreshed.” Maybe she had her boobs “refreshed” also. that would explain the solid mass of boobage look. Maybe still bandaged?

          • formerlyAnon

             Yes. Mid thirties is when a couple of larger-breasted women of my acquaintance got their boobs lifted.

            • There are also rumors that she’s pregnant – if they’re true it would account for her increased bust size, and that would also explain why it looks like she’s got the bra straps hiked up so far – she might not have the right size bra on.

        • vandeventer

           I saw the same thing – looks like a sports bra under there.

    • alyce1213

      I’m not sure I get why this is kind of a fabulous dress — the studs? the pulling at the shoulders? sleeves? bad fit at the bust?
      It’s a black minidress with sleeves, nothing more.
      I find her public appearances bizarre — she never looks as good as I think she might.

      •  this may be a simple but chic little frock without the christmas decoration on the shoulder (and on a different woman).

        • alyce1213

          Simple and chic, yes — but “fabulous?”

    • kschwarting

      The dress is not good, but the hair is what’s killing me.  She has a round face, and that hairstyle is just making it look rounder.

    • MilaXX

      Bad look all the way around. The hair is awful, especially that stupid barrette. The dress needs to be sent a a waif like Kiera Knightly because the shoulder pads & neck frou frou make anyone over 90lbs and/or with boobs look like a linebacker. Also her face looks a little puffy and I can’t tell if it’s a result of the hairdo and neck frou frou framing her face wrong or what.

    • shnaggi

      Biggest pouf I’ve seen in days, desperate for a 60’s dancers outfit.

    • GorgeousThings

      The horrible dress, the greasy makeup in drab colors, the 60s hair – it all adds up to making her look like she’s in her late 50s.
      Fire that stylist and throw stilettos at him/her as she’s running down your driveway, Fergie. You deserve better than that.

    • Kyle Crawford

      Julie Newmar called and……

    • Janet B

      From head to knee this is a fail.
      A size or two larger might have helped her look less squished, but that’s only one of the problems here.

    • this…this is my nightmare.

    • save_the_hobbit

      Is ANYTHING Fergie’s dress?

    • schadenfreudelicious

      man she really has the girls hoisted, she looks like she can almost rest her chin on them…her face appears freshly filled and rather puffy, hopefully the restylane calms down soon…

    • Are those beta fish on the clutch? I don’t know what that is. 

    • anotherkate

      I think she could have pulled it off without that hair. Yikes.

    • Annabelle Archer

      What is happening in the boobs and back area?  Why is she wearing bejeweled football pads?  Who told her that purse was a good idea?  Can I rock bump-it Bardot hair with an 80’s barrette? Is she hiding her tummy?  So many questions, so little dress.

    • There were either no gays involved in compiling this look, or like ten of them fighting and piling black and gold shit on her.

      • random_poster

        Yes! Just like in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” where every female family member is getting the bride dressed for the big day.

    • ccinnc

      From now on when I see talons like that I will only be able to think of Willem Dafoe as Satan in the Mercedes CLA commercial.

    • Beardslee

      She looks like a poor relation of the Gabor sisters.

      • snarkykitten

         nailed it.

    • I thought from the thumbnail that this was an embellished hoodie, but it’s just weird shit on the shoulders, isn’t it? 

    • stubbornthoughts

      Forget the dress and the hair, what is going on with her FACE? She is way too young to be getting so much done. STAHP.

      Her legs look amazing.

    • snarkykitten

      she looks like a 50 year old with Botox

      she is younger than that, right??

      • formerlyAnon


      • betorah

        She’s 37 and you’re right, she looks like she’s in her 50’s and hasn’t slept for a week.

    • “Hot Mess” comes to mind.

    • She looks old!!! 

    • Lilak

      A New Orleans fire hydrant Bedazzled for Mardi Gras.

    • PeaceBang

      I do not understand the boob situation. Why are they being hoisted under her chin? Is she being punished for something? The Pekinese hair is also depressing me. 

    • She looks so…tragic. And she looks about 45-50 years old.

    • I don’t know why anyone would want a hairstyle that specifically drew attention to her roots.  Also, her makeup looks terrible.

      The clutch is on the edge of too much for me, but I rather like it.  It does need to be paired with an extremely simple dress, though, so as to not detract from its fabulous overdone-ness—and this is not that dress.

    • I can’t take my eyes off of the knuckle-duster – I guess it’s the clutch-handle. Looks nice and wicked, useful for backhanding anyone who gets too close (or criticizes her outfit? {grin}). 


    • E. D.

      So is the face puffiness all from fillers?  Don’t care, was sick of looking at meth-face.

      Like the shoes and bag.

    • deathandthestrawberry

      That hairdo is way too juvenile for her. I don’t know what is going on with her foundation garments either. You can see the outline of the top of her bra and her boobs are being pushed way, way up.

    • Why does Fergie always look like she’s retaining water?  I must say that I love the yellow version of this dress.  Fergie’s?  Not so much.

    • decormaven

      “Gotta get off, gonna get, Have to get off from this ride, Gotta get hold, gonna get, Need to get hold of my pride…” Oh honey, this entire look is completely busted.

      • RocknRollmom

        Love that song.  Will now have it playing in head all day.  Thank you.

    • RocknRollmom

      Another site suggests that she may in fact be pregnant which might explain a few things—puffy face, particularly well endowed chest (which she has anyway) etc.  But still not her dress.  For someone who adores almost all LBDs, I actually like this better in yellow (a color I cannot wear without looking like I have diptheria or some age old plague).  I think besides the dress the “too much” bit is not the clutch (would kill for without a single hesitation) but the nails.  Horrible.

    • formerlyAnon

       If the dress didn’t wrinkle above the breasts, making it look ill-fitting, I wouldn’t mind it. Not flattering, but just fine.

      What I think is dreadful is the hair.

      And girl looks like she needs two weeks at a spa drinking green juices and sleeping 10 hours a day.

    • 4JJ

      A high, round, cluttered neckline and ill-fitting bosom on a very busty woman is a perennial no-no. Her feet look very pretty in those strappy sandals, though.

    • Jecca2244

      her face looks…different.

    • MsALVA

      I heard rumors she’s pregnant. That might explain the fug dress and the face that looks like it’s spent weeks dealing with morning sickness.

      • CurbGirl

        Looks pregnant but that would not explain matching purse to shoulders.

    • It looks like her boobs are actually pointed UPwards. Everything us unflattering – the dress, the hair, the makeup…

    • OrigamiRose

      Egads.  Girl, that’s not your dress, your hair, your make-up, your accessories, your fingernails….

      I half-expect metal pointers to come out of her boobs, like Clouseau’s would-be assassin in the Oktoberfest scene of The Pink Panther Strikes Again.

    • poggi

      I so want to “My Humps” sung in an Ethel Merman voice. Thanks you for making me think of that.

    • Wretched!  What a wonderfully unflattering look for her, from the dress to the bag to that “Pills Pills Pills” hair, it is NOT working…but it is as a joke!  Perhaps that was the point???

    • Lisa M. (ReVoir) Kramp

      She looks like Peggy Lee shortly before that lovely lady died….AT AGE 82.

      • Dot

         HAH! I thought the same thing. Peggy Lee in her Golden Years … not that Pegs would have bathed in shimmer like this, but still.

    • suzq

      I mistook the handle of the clutch for the fanciest set of brass knuckles ever.   Sorry, Sarah Burton.

    • conniemd

      She looks like Josh Duhamel’s mother in that outfit.

    • demidaemon

      My question is, why did she pick the black version instead of that wondeful yellow version (and I don’t even like yellow that much)?

    • NYCGlamourpuss

      To me, the most distracting thing is that her boobs look like they’re shoved WAY up under her chin.  They look positively tortured!

    • Zippypie

      She looks so puffy and the dress is so unflattering it’s amazing to me she would leave her home looking like that.  What was she thinking?  And that hair????  Don’t just fire the stylist.  A public shaming is in order.

    • rtuko

      Some dresses just look best on the girls shaped like twigs…………

      story of my life, tbh

      • turtleemily

        This twig feels like dresses always want people to have a chest. It’s like nobody’s supposed to win.

        • sekushinonyanko

           I think women are supposed to be exactly a B+ to have dresses fit their chests.

    • Oh, my god, she looks like one of those little dogs with the Jennifer Aniston shags, what are they called….

    • margaret meyers

      Aging.  All the way around.

    • What the face?

    • Anniebet

      Har! Ethel Merman in a mini dress! Love it. 

      And it looks like she’s using her “as seen on TV” Hair Bump-Its. Groovy.

    • She used to look so good and then started on the plastic surgery route and now looks so generic.  The egg shaped cheek implants are awful

    • TRSTL

      No.  NO. NOOOOOOOOO………………….

    • kathrineb

      I don’t think its fair that I comment because I never like anything she wears. 

    • Claudia Fernandes

      vegas fallen star

    • guest2visits

      The dress just does not fit, and the gaudy epaulettes and rivets are not helping.
      I like the over-the-top glitz of the clutch but with the talons and everything else, it’s too much.

      • LambeeBaby

        Are those epauletts? It looks like part of a life jacket for a drag queen

    • KittieLynnNYC

      Seriously, this look ages her big time. That is SO not the dress for her body type; all it does is make her look ridiculously matronly. I like the “Valley of the Dolls” hair, but not on her. She looks way older than 37; my 56 year old mother looks younger than her.

      • Melvis Velour

        You’re totally right – my mother rocked this look back in the 60’s (with even bigger hair) and it just looks dated.  That purse has just got to go unless she moonlights as an enforcer for the mob and is going to use it as a knuckleduster to get people to pay up…once they stop laughing

    • Love the model shot.

    • annrr

      Maybe she is just not admitting to being pregnant yet. Would explain a lot.

    • cmb92191

      I’ve been watching Ugly Betty and Desperate Housewives lately and I literally said.. Why does Fergie look like Vanessa Williams?

    • She looks like Topanga from Boy Meets World.

    • Crystal

      WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BARRETTE. Is this real life? She looks crazy. 

    • neofashionista

      As disturbing as the dress is I find the make up and the Hair
      MUCH more so

    • shelley514

      Josh Duhamel is Fergie’s husband, not her “boyfriend”.  Otherwise T & Lo are spot on!

    • Veronica1022

      I don’t understand why she just dosen’t embrace her inner Charo and just do tacky-camp and do it with a smile

    • She looks great for her age, but someone needs to drive to her house and throw away all her bumpits.

    • Alyssa

      Poor Fergie…at your husband’s premiere, you should have gone for trophy wife! And that hair clip is giving me nightmares…please don’t let those come back!

    • lilazander

      God, she looks old and high on something, or just sleepy.

    • FloTom

      Now that we know she is pregnant – it explains the pained look on her face and her attempt to disguise her baby bump and the larger-than-ever ‘girls.’