Girl, That’s Not Your Dress: Alicia Keys in Victoria Beckham

Posted on January 25, 2013

Girl, this whole look is doing you wrong:

 

Alicia Keys poses at the 40 Principales Awards 2012 in Madrid, Spain in a Victoria Beckham dress paired with Giuseppe Zanotti sandals and Vernier jewelry.

Victoria Beckham Spring 2012 Collection/Model Kati Nescher

Giuseppe Zanotti Metal-heel Suede Sandals

The Lucy Ricardo hair, the cat-eyes, the for-models-only dress, the lack of support, the heavy-looking shoes – NONE of this is working for us, dear. Nor is it working for you. You sit whoever’s responsible down in a locked room and unleash the biggest diva-bitch meltdown you can summon from the depths of your soul on them, girl. We’re talking Faye-Dunaway-as-Joan-Crawford shit.

 

[Photo Credit: Getty, style.com, net-a-porter.com]

    • eowyn_of_rohan

      Nothing about that dress cries out for suede sandals.  Sense: this outfit makes none.

      • Mistie Holler

        Nothing about it
        Cries out for black suede sandals.
        Sense: this look makes none.

        …It was just crying out to be haikued.

    • http://twitter.com/thehilariest The Hilariest

      These are criminal levels of boob drag-age and leg stumpification.

      • http://joyouslifesf.wordpress.com Kiltdntiltd

         Those are the two biggest issues here, I think. I kinda dig the 60’s up-do and long earrings.  But that hemline needs to be 6 inches higher for her, and the girls, perky as they must still be, need a helping cup.

        • http://twitter.com/thehilariest The Hilariest

           Agreed. I would also suggest that the heavy black ankle strap is making the stumpification even more egregious than it would otherwise be. Kick-ass shoes, mind you, but they are cutting up her already shortened leg line.

          • http://joyouslifesf.wordpress.com Kiltdntiltd

            Ankle strap shoes are a style that should be deployed with extreme caution.

        • Vlasta Bubinka

          Definitely give the girls a home, and may I suggest the shoes Carrie UNderwood was wearing? I think they might work here.

        • hannabanana

          My band name is going to be A Helping Cup.

          • http://joyouslifesf.wordpress.com Kiltdntiltd

            And of course the stage wear would involve copious use of overscaled foundation garments.  I want to go to this concert.

            • hannabanana

              Yes! I think the first hit song will be, “Corsets – They’re Good For You”.

            • http://joyouslifesf.wordpress.com Kiltdntiltd

              From their multi-platinum album, “Loosen Me Up Honey, I Can’t Breathe”

            • tinyredlocks

              Followed by the 2nd single “BabyHeads”

        • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_PVIY3NBCZJAJNFWDBCWG2DMKL4 Jen R

          Why, oh why do the stars with anything more than an A/B cup forget that they need a little help keeping everything where it should be? OTOH, maybe she’s in denial after having the baby – just because your tummy and booty come back to the pre-pregnancy form doesn’t mean the breasts will ever be the same. 

      • RebeccaKW

         I will never understand how someone can put on a dress and not realize what they look like.  “I love the way the bodice sits too low, giving me the appearance of saggy boobs.  Oh, and the length of the skirt coupled with these leg irons give me cankles.  I’ll take it!”

        • http://joyouslifesf.wordpress.com Kiltdntiltd

           It has been my observation that the human ability to ignore the obvious is without limitations.

          • Carrieanno

            Which is why so many people are out walking around looking like they got dressed in the dark.

          • RebeccaKW

             I agree with that statement.  But, most women are critical of their appearance.  Well, most every-day women.  Maybe celebrities get so caught up in their own hype, they have an ‘emperor’s new clothes’ situation.

            • http://joyouslifesf.wordpress.com Kiltdntiltd

               I think we have all, at one time or another wanted to be able to wear something so much, that we temporarily blinded ourselves to the reality of the situation.  I suspect stars are no different in that regard. Of course, that is part of why the have stylists.

            • http://twitter.com/foodycatAlicia foodycatAlicia

               Very true. Or hairstyles that we love, despite photographic evidence that they are unflattering.

        • http://profile.yahoo.com/DNWEFT2SVBX5T3NPMROQCT4U2U jennyv

          She has to be blind, or in some way sight impaired. Or, my theory for many a fug filled celebrity look, so woozy from dieting she can’t see straight.

        • Meelah

          One of my first jobs was working in a clothing/shoe store.  Women would try on clothes or shoes that were several sizes too big or small.  I mean literally a woman one time tried on sandals that had to be 5 sizes too small and her toes were squarely touching the ground.  Early on I would try to tell these women that it didn’t work and I can tell you 100% of the time they ignored me.  I would get ignored even when they would ask me how they looked in it.  Not 1 time did any woman ever respond to my comment that it was too small or too big.  Often times they would still buy it.  I quickly learned how to lie.  Some people have an odd idea of what looks good.  I think it’s some sort of body dysmorphic disorder type of thing.  

      • Sobaika

        I’m obviously in the minority, but I don’t think this does anything weird to her boobs. They look like boobs. Pretty good ones, in fact.

        She looks mighty stumpy though.

        • Meelah

          I think to many (including myself) they appear flat with a slight droop.  I believe she’s always been a small cup and she recently had a child which might equate to the sag.  I think she could have gotten away with a higher cut bra which would have helped hide the saggy look.  

          I give her kudos for not running out to get implants or breast lifts like every other celeb.  

      • http://twitter.com/foodycatAlicia foodycatAlicia

         Serious stumpification – the way the dress hits her it makes her calves look broader than her thighs. I’m not going to comment on the boob dragage because I am going through a phase of appreciating natural breasts.

        • Little_Olive

          I was going through that phase until today, when a woman at the gym (gym!) was giving us the real braless wonder. Medium size, perky boobs. Nipples like they could cut you from underneath that little tank top. I hate her and love my D-cups. 

    • YousmelllikeAnnaWintour

      Her hair looks like roadkill.

      • Sobaika

        Pretty much. The dress is alright (it’s unremarkable but not a bad dress) the real devil is the hair.

    • http://twitter.com/emilyf007 emily

      Oh honey no.

    • imperfectlaura

      Also, the all black look with a black backdrop didn’t help the look at all. The hair and boobs are the most annoying aspects of the look to me.

    • Annabelle Archer

      I feel like she thinks she looks fantastic, so that self confident smile is lovely. Right?

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ZBFH32YG44LIIZYLSQPMBXMYCU Sarah

        I think her hair is a bit unfortunate, but I think lovely is not so far off the mark. A smile makes up for a lot, I guess, since I’m to believe this is awful?

      • NC_Meg

         Yes, she looks SO pleased with herself. Her face is pretty but other than that…I’m sorry, Alicia.

    • hughman

      It takes a special kind of fug for a dress to make someone like Key’s legs look bloated. 

    • http://twitter.com/wonderdivaEtsy wonderdivaEtsy

      “Faye-Dunaway-as-Joan-Crawford shit” is a beautiful summation!

    • Judy_J

      This is a complete failure.  Nothing about this look is good….nothing.

    • decormaven

      All wrong. “Tina! Bring me the axe!”

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VZLU6YVO4BRTELTTH3GRAAMWZQ Dot

      The dress doesn’t even look great on the model. Ick. I do love her makeup, though — just not with that hair or anything else she’s sporting. Girlfriend really does have phenomenal bone structure.

      Also, there has to be a more relaxed way of deploying the hands on hip pose.

    • lrhg

      I wouldn’t hate the dress if it stopped at knee-length. The shoes and hairstyle need to be burned, at least figuratively. 

    • Nonmercisansfacon

      I kinda like the hair. And the shoes. 

      • SewingSiren

        Me too. Kinda giving an Andrews Sisters vibe.

      • 3boysful

         The shoes are theoretically cute, but on her legs, with that hem length, they are creating stumps.

        And she needs less of a statement earring.

      • StellaZafella

        Or a Pointer Sister …except they didn’t have to shoot their stylist.

    • teensmom99

      this is the definition of “girl that’s not your dress”–beautiful woman, dress that could work on some models–and yet, not her dress. But I secretly love the Lucy hair if it just was with the right outfit.

    • ChiliP

      This is one of the few Vicki Beckham dresses that I haven’t liked. Vicki is usually really good at designing clothes that have clean lines and look great on a variety of women. This is way too fussy.

      I heard someone say that Miss Keys looks a lot like Kate Middleton, and now I can’t unsee the similarities in their faces. Which is to say, for such a pretty lady, and I don’t feel like Alicia always lives up to her potential.

    • e jerry powell

      Why do I get a feeling that she’s trying to cop a girlier Janelle Monae?

    • dorothea_brooke

      From one pear-shaped, not blessed with the shapeliest of legs gal to another -avoid anything with the name “Beckham” on it.. But she is an absolutely beautiful and talented pear-shaped woman with a beautiful body.   

      The hair, on the other hand, no excuse for that mess.  

      • kimmeister

        Yes, and this cankled gal is telling other thick-legged gals to avoid the ankle straps at all costs.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=14301272 Kate Gorton

      All I can think of when I look at that hair: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kNUDTyEgj4

    • xmixiex

      she looks quite pleased with herself, however

    • http://phantomminuet.blogspot.com/ MinAgain

      Her hair doesn’t bother me as much as her unsupported boobage.

    • SewingSiren

      If the opaque part of the neckline were raised about 3″ it wouldn’t be too bad.

    • http://twitter.com/knitgrlnyc Maureen

      I like her…..ummmmm… nail color.

    • libraangel

      I can’t say it better than you guys  said – agree on everything!

    • Beardslee

      I can’t abide anatomical illustrations of how someone’s breasts attach to her chest.

    • Tatiana Luján

      Why on earth would you wear a dress that makes even a flat-chested model look as if she had droopy boobs?
      And her sandals are a size too small. The hair… How could she walk out of the house with that hairdo?

    • samo_samo

      I guess I’m missing how horrible this look is. I certainly don’t think it’s worthy of a “diva-bitch meltdown” against the person responsible.

    • nannypoo

      For some reason I can’t explain I like her hair and makeup here. Those are some sad boobies, though.

    • warnerave

      those boobies seem to hate each other…:)

    • Imasewsure

      WORD

    • rtuko

      looks like she’s trying to be Rihanna. (which is not a look that works for anybody, including Rihanna.)

    • BrooklynBomber

      Will the real Alicia Keys please stand up?

    • http://4ofwands.wordpress.com/ Aj

      Neck up is fine, shoes are great but this dress doesn’t work.  The runway version was better.  This is just not one of her better looks.

    • Vlasta Bubinka

      Oh dear lord…. she’s wearing a vintage Diahann Carroll wiglet, I’m sure of it.

    • YousmelllikeAnnaWintour

      Is anyone else getting an Ethel Merman vibe off this?

    • joancarol

      I think she was going for Lena Horne here.

    • Jecca2244

      I always wonder how this happens. You only get sent one dress? You MUST wear the VB dress? Because if I went to leave the house and my boobs looked like two non sexy pancakes I’d be changing out of the dress. I feel like it must have been altered for the model but this dress wasn’t altered for Alicia. 

      • lamireille

        You made adjective selection a high art there with “two non-sexy pancakes.” 

    • http://profile.yahoo.com/7CV4UESSOMKN6EWENKFA5KMMFA Nicole

      Her poor boobies look like they’re being pulled down and out, like her armpits are trying to eat her nipples :(

    • HomeOfficeGirl

      Set This Dress On FIRE!

    • RocknRollmom

      Although I have found much to my surprise that I like a number of Ms. Beckham’s designs, I am realistic enough to know that anyone with a body weight that is comprised of more than 2 numbers should most likely avoid at all costs.  So, I like the dress on the model— sharp, sexy, might have taken a couple of inches off the hem.  On poor Alicia, not so much.  And yes why more stylists/women don’t understand the caution with which one must approach any ankle strappy type shoe is beyond me.  Shame, as she looks pretty and was one of my favorites at the Inaugeration—she looked so happy.

      • Lisa_Cop

        So true. You have to be very thin to wear VB; and this season most of her dresses were well below the knee- a terrible length.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Clydette-Wantland/673315286 Clydette Wantland

      She is NOT on fire.

    • http://robot-heart.tumblr.com heartbot

      Is she wearing clothes? I can’t get past that combover updo.

    • snarkykitten

      the hell crawled up on her head and died?

    • PrunellaV

      She deserves better. OTOH, she’s making a case for playing Lena Horne in the biopic.

    • http://twitter.com/lenabena_ Elena

      THAT HAIR THOUGH

    • MilaXX

      If she couldn’t find a foundation garment to support the boobs, then she should have passed on the dress. There is no excuse whatsoever for that hair.

    • http://twitter.com/marared Jaime

      She’s got the Gap of Rohan between her boobs.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sarah-Adams/1143985903 Sarah Adams

        LOL! There’s no situation that can’t be addressed with a good Tolkien reference. 

    • margaret meyers

      Love her hair and makeup, and her after-baby figure looks great.  I think if that dress had just been taken in about 1 1/2 inches at the shoulder seams, the impression of saggy boobs and the problem of too low a hem might be mitigated.  AK is long waisted, and she needs to cheat her waist UPwards to mask this.

    • kschwarting

      I may be in the minority, but I don’t hate the dress on her…though she could use a little support in the bust.
      However, there is no excuse for that hair.

    • Trisha26

      That dress bodice is just odd – even on the model version – it’s making whatever’s drooping look even droopier. Hate those shoes.

    • quiltrx

      I kind of like the cray hair, but the rest is giving me a large sad.

    • ZnSD

      It would have to be Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford diva shitfit because NO ONE can wear ankle strap heels except for Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford. NO ONE. Alicia: that dress is too long, and those ankle straps are pulling all the focus to the lower portion of your body, which sweetie, is not where you want it. You want it on your GORGEOUS face. And wear something that gives those girls some support for crying out loud. Ya ain’t 20, babe. Kisses!

    • http://vhanna26.typepad.com Vera

      The shoes don’t work, and I’m not sure if the bustline on that dress would work on anyone, but hair and makeup are quite cute.

    • sweet_potato

      Especially not loving the Lucy Ricardo hair.  

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001998855370 Fatima Siddique

      Hello, 1993. Is she auditioning to be in En Vogue? 

    • Pterodactyl111

      Her boobs look sad.

    • guest2visits

      I’m in a definite minority.. but I like it. I like the dress for her (Yes; the dress could sit a little higher on the boobage, but it’s the same
      exact fit on the model). And I like the up-do and all the styling with it. And I would trade the sandals for a simple pair of heels.

    • Zippypie

      Dress inspired by Fraulein Klum.  Hair inspired by Miss O’Brien.  *shudder*

    • http://twitter.com/irmaladuce_l8ly IrmaLaDuce

      She and Christina Hendricks need to start a club, or maybe a support group for beautiful women who can’t dress. 

    • Lisa M. (ReVoir) Kramp

      At first glance, I wasn’t sure what all the angst was for, but the more I see it, the more I get it. Awful.

    • Anniebet

      All the nitpicking about the rest of Alicia’s look aside, I cannot understand why women with minimal/unattractive bosoms decide to put them on display in this age of cosmetic surgery and jaded critics (like us) who expect perfection.   

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sarah-Adams/1143985903 Sarah Adams

        That’s a measure of how wrong this dress is. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her chest that a basic strapless bra wouldn’t fix, but the dress makes her look both smashed flat and out of proportion. It’s really a shame. She’s lovely – the dress should be burned. 

    • Rebecca Jay

      Do love those shoes.

    • Mazenderan

      That whole look is so wrong.

      ‘For Models Only’ is the perfect term for that dress.  I’m looking at the pictures and I can’t figure out why the complicated neckline works on the model – but looks so untidy on Alicia

    • alyce1213

      I think if everything were hiked up a couple of inches, including the hem, and the straps offset diagonally like the model is wearing, she’d be in business.  But then again, there’s the hair . . .

    • barbarienne

      The way they modified the top destroys all the interestingness of it. Not that it would make a difference on Ms. Keyes, here; just an observation.

      This is Halle Berry’s dress, though she would hack a foot off the hem.

    • bluefish

      The earrings really cap it off.

    • Jennifer Coleman

      Sorry to state it, but Alicia has more fashion misses than hits. She needs a stylist shakeup. Really, shake the crap out of him then fire him.

    • Alyssa

      No, just no. This is most definitely not her look.

    • shelley514

      I think that June Ambrose is A Keys stylist and this isn’t her first misstep for her client.  I’m beginning to think June just doesn’t like Alicia or maybe Alicia just doesn’t take June’s advice.  Any whoooo, this dress is just all wrong for her in the bust.  But the biggest tragedy of all are the shoes . . . Alicia is bottom heavy with thick tree trunk ankles, so ankle strap sandals are an absolute NO NO for her!!!