Kellan Lutz for Essential Homme Magazine (NSFW)

Posted on November 19, 2012

We can’t stop laughing at these pictures. That’s probably not what the people involved intended, is it?

 

Kellan Lutz covers the November/December 2012 issue of Essential Homme magazine photographed by Randall Slavin and styled by Neil Rodgers.

Kellan, sweetie. You just can’t “do” fashion editorials, dear. Your attempts at Blue Steel are too funny to take seriously. Also: lose the pornstache. You don’t have the face for it.

We always wonder about the thinking behind putting a naked woman in a guyditorial. Is it supposed to re-affirm his raging heterosexuality, even though he’s wearing designer clothing really tightly? Then why is he ignoring her or looking bored by her? That’s how WE’D look if someone put a naked woman on a couch next to us – and we’re as gay as a tree full of canaries.

The clothes are nice, though.

[Photo Credit: Randall Slavin for Essential Homme Magazine]

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  • LadyCelia

    He’d probably be happier with some marsh-MAAALOWS.

    • http://profiles.google.com/thisiscelia Celia

       Uncle Lutz has them warmed up in his dungarees!

      • JosephLamour

        I maybe rewound that scene 5 times….

  • Miss_Led

    Tears of laughter, here. What were they thinking? In photo #5, the naked woman is all “Ta-dah!” and he is all, “Where IS my neck brace?”

    • j_anson

      Oh, man, and photo #9 - 

      Lutz: *Why* won’t she just leave? I have important taxidermy to do!
      Woman: My breasts are cold. :(

    • flamingjune

      Also, “Check out my flower erection!”

  • http://korilian.livejournal.com/ korilian

    What do I know that guy from? (the answer can’t be Twilight).

    • andcoh

      90210 revamp?

      • http://korilian.livejournal.com/ korilian

        Nope. Never seen it. Actually after checking out his IMDB profile, I think I just confused him with Dominic Cooper (aka Howard Stark in Captain America), which is kind of random 0_o. 

    • http://6things.blogspot.com par3182

      ‘Room and Bored’ with Valerie Cherish as Aunt Sassy.

  • JDreesen

    Yes. The cover could have just said:

    After Twilight
    KELLAN LUTZ
    Yawns at Boobies

    • curiouserandcuriousest

      I had comments, but you said it all. And with such brevity!

  • Sobaika

    This is sort of gross.

  • StellaZafella

     The clothes are nice, though I’m not sure about what looks to be a floral print in the slacks.

    Between the curly hair, pornstache and Blue Plastic facial expressions…I think Burt Reynolds, Playgirl centerfold…but Burt had the sense to laugh at himself.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2CNDPMVO4W23R5TVC2QMTJ5BZE Heather

       Omigod I LOVE that centerfold. Totally delightful. This is like… the opposite of that.

  • hughman

    Well I, for one, was SORELY disappointed that NSFW did not involve what I’d hoped. (Meaning Lutz Buttz)

    • DesertDweller79

       Ditto.  The only reason I even opened the post was because I saw the NSFW.  Definitely disappointed that it is due to him ignoring a naked girl.

  • MilaXX

    Is it me or are his pants too tight to properly cross his legs? Man, these are bad pictures.

  • Dhammadina

    He’s pretty funny on a recent 30 Rock, in which they exploit his Lutzness. Possible he gets the humor of this spread too. 

    • j_anson

      Yeah, I’m leaning toward thinking there’s some intentional tongue-in-cheek here.

  • charlotte

    Kellan Lutz is ready for his next challenge. But what will this challenge be? As you can see, Kellan is still thinking pretty hard to come up with an idea.

    • Billie_Dawn

      Reading a book that doesn’t have any pictures? That’s why he’s in the library.

  • crash1212

    The cover got me laughing and the editorial just added to my mirth. Not sure WHAT they were after, but laughter probably wasn’t it. A couple of other random thoughts while laughing: 1) when will they send an APB out for his neck? 2) he looks utterly stupid with a mustache. 3) why the naked women? Is it mandatory for the womens to be naked? So dumb.

  • lundibleu

    Oh man, those are ridiculous. I… I’m at a bit of a loss. Less than ideal model, bad photoshop job, and … yeah. Not good. 

    Well, not unless the intention was rolling on the floor laughing!

  • Matt Bailer

    In a word…. gay.

  • Imasewsure

    He definitely is giving off a “please make this naked lady go away” vibe in these…. Would be a fun pictorial for OUT Magazine….. he really is a terrible model though….

  • http://twitter.com/watchinginkdry Krysta

    You’re right about the pictures–but “gay as a tree full of canaries” is making me laugh harder, so I guess congratulations are in order.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jessica-TallGirl-Freeman/1043623567 Jessica TallGirl Freeman

    Full on Zoolander here. Where’s the tiny cell phone?

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/6PQUNH7VYANAXMRMEEM763V3EU victor liu

    I was so excited when I saw “Kellan Lutz” and “NSFW” together.
    But he didn’t deliver. I has a sad.

    • http://eclectictsunami.blogspot.com/ Cassie

      Me too. Really boys, that’s just a tease.

  • Jessi03

    “Ugh.  I so need to redecorate.  My naked lady furniture bores me to tears.”

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_LI35AZLWSZEYRDZ4PUCBHUCZUI Jonathan

    I get a gay escort vibe. maybe thats not fair. I think it might be the clothes and hair, it just kinda screams kept man to me 

  • SapphoPoet

    I think his pants have cut off his circulation because he’s turning blue in all the pictures. 

  • j_anson

    The concept is… porn movie about a sexy 70s serial killer who’s just too tired to finish the job (in any sense)?

    You know, I dunno, though. He does have a really distinctive face (like, he looks hilarious in that first pic, but hilarious in an *interesting* way), and I’ve certainly spent more time looking at the pics than the average guyditorial. So on some level maybe it’s doing its job.

  • http://twitter.com/FuLinlin FuLinlin

    Somebody should make a gender-reversed version. Can you imagine, the woman all clothed and ignoring the naked/in sexy thongs ect. man? 

    • DesertDweller79

       Oh my, I would love to see that.  Get…. I don’t know…. Emma Stone, maybe?

    • http://eclectictsunami.blogspot.com/ Cassie

      That would be so awesome.

    • lulukittie

      I want to say that there’s been a Versace campaign like this– maybe not totally naked men, but very very tiny speedos– set by a pool. 

  • http://twitter.com/ZumaZoum Eric

    He normally gets me going, but the only lust i’m having here is coat lust (4th from the bottom).

  • sleepycat

    Why can’t he be naked for once? I mean I know I saw him in his skivvies when he was poledancing for calvin kline. That and since you basically mentioned what I have been saying for years, he is gay. sorry.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1594250515 Kim Brightman

    Worthwhile just to read “as gay as a tree full of canaries”!

    • Melvis Velour

      That totally made my morning…it’s as good as “Gay as a picnic basket”

  • http://twitter.com/aidanboleyn Aidan B

    Dear God, this is horrible. I am seriously creeped out.

  • http://twitter.com/iraki86 IraKi

    I was actually offended by this editorial. A naked woman as a prop….objectified and sexualized…It is not a rare sight (especially in magazines called Homme blablabla) but seldom is it done in such an obvious manner. For shame people of Homme blablabla…Plus you took a hot guy that keeps me warm in my dreams and made him look ridiculous…You must be punished for your sins…

    • http://profiles.google.com/urbangypsyt Tess D

      I kind of agree. I like naked women. I like looking at photos of naked women but I don’t like the use of her here because my first thought is “why the hell is she even in the photo?”  Maybe it’s done so straight homophobic dudes can look at photos of a good looking man giving them the “Blue Steel” and not feel quite so threatened. Or maybe it’s just so rote that the photographer just tosses in boobs whenever and wherever he can. 

  • DesertDweller79

    All I could think was “why is there a naked woman in these photos?” What is the point?  He isn’t paying attention to her.  And why would she be naked while he is fully clothed?  Why is he wearing a jacket in the bathroom, where there is a naked woman?  Etc….  It is all just weird.  

  • http://cheekypinky.wordpress.com/ Rebecca

    Aw, someone was reading “The Story of O” before shooting this.

    • http://profiles.google.com/urbangypsyt Tess D

      Actually I think someone saw a more esoteric South American film, whose title I absolutely cannot recall, where an older man has a BDSM relationship with a young woman. She’s tiring of it all when he brings her roses and then, of course, proceeds to beat her with them. It’s the first thing I thought of when I saw the roses scattered about in the third and fourth photo. The guy in the film ay least engaged in the whole thing. Kellan looks bored out of his mind. In the final pic, it seems like he’s just glad she’s gone and he can finally get some rest.

      Ridiculous images. Nice clothes.

      • http://cheekypinky.wordpress.com/ Rebecca

        *snort*

        That’s amazing.

  • MrsMaxPower

    I’ve never heard of this magazine, but if it’s telling me that boobs are the go to home decor for any room or occasion then I will stick with the West Elm catalog I get in the mail.  

    Everything about the spread (I loathe calling it that, given the context) is so gauche and has a such a wonky element to it. Definitely way too forced…he should have gone with Le Tigre instead of Blue Steel.

  • Matt Bailer

    “Of course.”

  • PastryGoddess

    Ok so I completely missed the naked women the first time around.  Is this his oscar winner look? 

    Douche…

  • GorgeousThings

    He looks like the human version of Henri the Exitstential Cat:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Q34z5dCmC4M#!

  • maygoon

    I don’t know why I assumed that it was NSFW for naked Kellan.  What was I thinking?

  • http://twitter.com/PhDKnitter marlie

    “Gay as a tree full of canaries.” HAHAHAHAHA!!

    This guydatorial is just DUMB. Hate the pornstache, and really, I think there’s something weird about his face that I just can’t get on board with.

  • ri_dic

    Ridic.

  • unbornfawn

    It screams “I’m a douche!”

  • Zippypie

    AHAHAHAHAHAHA!  I snarfed!

  • margaret meyers

    Is that Cameron Diaz again?  Girl needs some self respect.

  • quiltrx

    He looks kinda hot in the leather coat, and I usually couldn’t care less about him.  But DAMN, he is a VACANT thing, isn’t he?  I’m really thinking this is one of those cases where the cover and the book itself are really pretty much the same, and we can feel free to judge. :)

  • carpediva

    Okay, true confessions time: when I see this guy I know that it’s Kellan Lutz, but I don’t know who that is, or why he’s famous.

    So I don’t know if part of his (supposed) hotness legend is the fact that he’s (supposedly) sexy even with a hairpiece.

    Because that IS a hairpiece, right?

  • Louise Bryan

    Am I blue?  Am I blue?   Are these tears on my cheeks telling you?
    Am I blue?  Honey, you look so weird I keep laughing anew.

  • Comus

    Kellan is totally up for playing Christian Grey in the upcoming movie?

  • http://profiles.google.com/sauchih Sau-Chih Feng

    “I’m sick and tired of your naked boobs, woman! Why can’t you just be normal and put on some clothes? I’m trying to take over the world, and you keep shoving those lady bumps in my face, I can’t take it anymore!!!!”

  • http://twitter.com/jaythenerdkid Aaminah Khan

    Whenever I see him, all I can think about is Celebitchy’s term for him: Kellan “KELLAN LUTZ” Lutz.

  • http://twitter.com/DarthJaeda Jaeda Laurez

    Not everyone should wear the “smedium” look.

  • In_Stitches

     Complete disagreeance about the stache.  It suits his face and gives him a devilish charm that informs his otherwise blandly attractive features. 

  • formerlyAnon

    The coat in which he broods in the bathroom is quite interesting. Broody editorial, overall.

  • bertkeeter

    Boring shoot! 

  • thehousesparrow

    That poor model.  Kellan wasted her efforts.

  • VicksieDo

    his next challenge must have something to do with “The Blue Man Group” and it sure isn’t going to be heterosexual!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505225633 Nicola Anna Molly Page

    Setting him up as *shudder* that Grey guy?

  • Derek_anny

    Item 1: your “gay as a tree full of canaries” made me quote “twirlier than a party dress.”
    Item 2:  The only pic that works for me is the closeup.  The one where he might be able to pull off guyditorial lumberjack-who-makes-us-jealous-of-whoever-helped-him-clean-all-the-pitch-from-his-body.

  • librarygrrl64

    “We always wonder about the thinking behind putting a naked woman in a guyditorial. Is it supposed to re-affirm his raging heterosexuality, even though he’s wearing designer clothing really tightly? Then why is he ignoring her or looking bored by her?”

    Exacula! I always wonder that, too. I want to tap him on the shoulder and go, “Kellan, BOOOBS! Right over there!”

  • noVGL

    Madre de misericordia – MDLR (meandome de las risas)!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/iris.liu4 Iris Liu

    I think you guys covered everything that needed to be said here.
    But I do so love the wallpaper in the 3rd-to-last photo.

  • Pterodactyl111

    I know a guy who has a beard like that. I refer to him privately (i.e. in my head) as “Colonel Sanders.”