Girl, That’s Not Your Dress: Jessica Biel in Gucci

Posted on October 08, 2012

Well, Jessica. We’ll give you credit: you tried like hell to make this work.

Jessica Biel attends the 4th Annual Variety’s Power of Women Luncheon Presented by Lifetime in a Gucci Dress paired with Louis Vuitton pumps, a Fendi bag, and Tiffany & Co. jewelry.

Gucci Fall 2012 Collection/Model: Ava Smith

Fendi ‘Mia’ Clutch

Louis Vuitton Merry-Go-Round Pump

You ripped open the top, put on your bitchheels , arranged your cocker spaniel hair, and did your nails up blue, but in the end, it’s still Helen Mirren’s dress, girl. Pack it up and send it off to her.

But hey, the colors look good on you, so at least you learned an important style lesson for the future.


[Photo Credit: Andrew Evans/PR Photos,,,]

    • Clueless_Jock

      I kind of like it.

      • Kerry McCombs

        I like it too.

        • MarissaLG

          Me too. I think her hair looks perfect with it and the shoes are great too. There’s a lot going on, but she’s working it. 

    • Janet B

      Maybe if her hair were styled up, back, and off her face.  It would be passable, but as is it’s a fail.

      • out for a walk

        Yeah I think with an updo she might be able to pull it off. I doubt it would be a werq but I’d guess it would be an in.

      • Jessica O’Connell

        I agree. If the hair had been better, I think this could have worked.

      • kimmeister

        Agree!  A note to all ladies everywhere – Ruffles on the front of your dress/top do NOT go with long cocker spaniel hair.

      • margaret meyers

        Queen Helen would have had her hair up.

      • H3ff

        A sleek pony would have rendered the look oh-so chic.

    • Kiltdntiltd

      This dress looks as though its trying to molt a layer of skin.   Its got way too much going on.

      • MajorBedhead

         My thoughts exactly. Too many ruffles. It looks like something an admin from the 80s would wear.

      • marlie

         Totally agree. Pattern, ruffles, the sleeves, the hem… It’s sensory overload.

        • Kiltdntiltd

          A great general rule to apply is, the more complex the pattern, the simpler the garment should be. The visual confusion created by all the flying bits, and drapey bits, is just obscuring the lines of the garment, and hence, the lines of the body.

          • NurseEllen

             Wow, that mantra should be available as a needlepoint hanging to hang over closet doors in the office of every stylist.  “The more complex the print, the simpler the garment should be”…..  LOVE IT.

            • Kiltdntiltd

              Hee Hee.  And the very notion of this becoming a sampler, all sweetly cross stitched with flowers, and mounted next to the dressing area in the stylist’s domain, makes me smile a lot inside.  I feel a project coming on.

            • NurseEllen

              Perhaps this could be an income opportunity?  Cross-stitch kits to be sold at Michael’s!  Mail order available at your website!  Late night TV infomercials!  With such humble roots, empires flourish, Mr. K.

            • Kiltdntiltd

               Oooooh I could be on QVC with Joan Rivers!

          • makeityourself

            Also, the bigger the print, the taller and thinner one had better be to wear it well.  Ms. Biel has an incredible, athletic body, but she isn’t particularly tall.  This dress has completely overwhelmed her.

          • makeityourself

            Also, the bigger the print, the taller and thinner one had better be to wear it well.  Ms. Biel has an incredible, athletic body, but she isn’t particularly tall.  This dress has completely overwhelmed her.

        • Tadiana

          Even ruffles down the sleeve, like some kind of Aquagirl.

      • muzan-e

        If they’d left it with the sleeves gently flowing, the skirt simple and to-just-below-the-knees, and caught the hair up into some devastatingly lovely sort of updo. And if they then, for the love of god, banished the neutral lip – because I do not understand how you can team a vivid gown with dark bangs and a colourless mouth. Her face just evaporates away.

        No. Just a hint of colour in the cheeks, a touch of mascara and highlighting – and a killer, semi-matte vamp for the lips. Balanced. Striking. Delicious.

      • AnneElliot

        Exactly!!! I have an irrational hatred of ruffles, but this is REALLY over the top.  Love the shoes, nails and the ring, though. I’m so glad she’s not wearing silly putty platforms or Frankenstein clodhoppers.  The model’s shoes are awful.

    • Deitra S.

      All the pieces of the outfit are lovely, it’s just that they are all so BLUE!  If she’d done different shoes, that bag in another color (maybe even in the gold shade pictured), and not matched her nails to her dress like it’s prom or a cheer leading uniform it would have been significantly better.  But that hair is making me bananas.  That’s hung-over-brunch-with-the-girls hair if ever I’ve seen it.

      • YousmelllikeAnnaWintour

        I agree.  Too matchy-matchy.  And what is going on with her hair?  Did someone actually get paid to make it look that way?

    • 3boysful

      I kinda see Meryl Streep in this.

      • Little_Olive

        I thought the same thing!

        (Meryl’s reck cheekbones are certainly there). 

    • schadenfreudelicious

      Girl, that isn’t your hair either…..

      • Lori

        Those bangs are really starting to work my nerves.

        • ampg

          I think this is the only time I’ve ever thought those heavy bangs were anything less than completely horrible on her.  But just because they aren’t actively ruining the look doesn’t make them a good choice.

        • schadenfreudelicious

          agreed, that entire head of hair needs a re-do….

        • NC_Meg

          Me too. I don’t know who told her those were a good idea. 

      • Wendi126

        I want to string daisies around her head and give her an acoustic guitar with a day glo rainbow sticker on it

        • schadenfreudelicious

          lol, that’s some serious Woodstock hair right there!

        • iheartbuffy

           sure, but would this REALLY work for someone Helen’s age?

      • NurseEllen

         Her hair style is channeling Karen Carpenter.

    • Anathema_Device

      Make this sleeveless, just a bit shorter, and go a little more dramatic with the makeup (eyes or lips), and we might have had something. Oh, and ditch that hair style, but that applies to everything she wears.

      Otherwise, this is yet another “girl that’s not your dress” outfit. Does she have the record of the most such posts? It feels like it.

      • Kiltdntiltd

         I’m sure if she isn’t the clear winner, she is a serious contender.

    • alyce1213

      I don’t see anyone in this creature from the black lagoon dress.  No one.

      • Stella Zawistowski

        I was gonna say. The minute I saw the title of the post and the first photo, I thought, “‘Girl, that’s not your dress’ implies that it’s someone else’s dress. But WHOSE dress?”

    • BrooklynBomber

      Bar Mitzvah dinner party.

    • hyperionic

      I agree about the hair, it’s way too much. She needs a ponytail. I like her bangs though. Those shoes are great.

    • lbl

      I don’t want to see her again until she does something about those bangs.

      Oh, and the shoes are awesome, but the ruffles make the whole look matronly.

    • Little_Olive

      I don’t hate it. Maybe there is too much matching but nothing terrible.

      It’s the hair that ruins it for me. With such a busy dress, you need a cleaner, sleekier ‘do. 

      Her lips scare me.

    • ojosazules

      It looks too much like something worn over a negligee. And busy busy. 
      Is there some issue with her forehead? It couldn’t be as bad as these bangs, whatever it is.

    • siriuslover

      She needs an intervention from Clinton and Stacey.

    • Tatiana Luján

      I love the shoes. If the dress didn’t have the ruffles, if she had tied the wais of the dress on her actual waist line, if the dress was a little shorter, maybe then this could have worked.

    • KateShouldBeWorking

      That dress looks like a depressed salad.

    • MilaXX

      I don’t mind the dress, but the hair needs to be pulled back or pinned up. Also the bag is to matchy.

    • Gabriella M

      I can’t stand her obsession with nude lipstick. 

      • iheartbuffy

         Maybe something red with this?

        • Gabriella M

          Yes. I think this is a totally diva-glam dress in the J.Lo mold (if it had a higher slit) and she could have werq’d it better with impact makeup. As it is she turned it into a housecoat. 

    • holdmewhileimnaked

      i actually like this dress even, perhaps unbelievably, in both iterations. but not for this starlet.
      as she’s had it fiddled, especially, it needs someone w/ more of a figure. cos as is, w/ so very little variation in the column, it just droops. it’s like a hatrack w/ a whole lotta scarves piled hither & thither. i dont think i’ve ever said this before but here it really does look like the dress is wearing her. put it on someone who has, say, a delineated butt & you’ll see the person under the dress. & here’s another thing i rarely think: it needs to be shortened. maybe four inches? not to HK length, not hardly. just so the longest part hits right under the knee [more or less in the way of the model]. it’s at this point that we can start re-accessorizing w/ a bit more edge & flair & reworking the hair. or, really, since i’ve pictured it on some other person, the hair will not exist so we dont even have to think about it.

    • iheartbuffy

       T Lo, gonna disagree. She looks great. Dress is a little long but it works for a range of age groups, Ms. Biel included. it is a much fresher look having “ripped open the top” and put on Helen Miren in that fashion might do unattractive things to her and open– far too youthful. Biel’s hair, make up and shoes are fab and go quite well with the dress. All and all, odd judgement on your part.

    • Allison Woods

      Hair up would definitely help.

      I think it would look pretty great on La Streep as well.

    • mbelchic

      Helen Mirren would rock this look-

    • Dot

      I see some sideboob in that last shot. The blue nails are hilarious!

    • Laylalola

      I’m confused as to how it’s possible for someone with her knockout figure and face to almost never get it right.  

      • Laylalola

        (I mean, there’s that “She could make a paper bag look good” saying, and this gal has all of it going for her and still doesn’t hit.)

    • sashaychante

      I laugh every time I read “cocker spaniel” hair.  I have two cocker spaniels…and ya know how it’s said that people resemble their dogs?  My hair too has the cocker spaniel look.   

    • gillian holroyd

      “it’s still Helen Mirren’s dress”
      why do you hate Helen Mirren? Did you *notice* the ruffles spiraling down the sleeves??

    • Contralto

      Lovely colors.

      I’m sure she’s a charming person, and kind to dogs and old ladies, but her hair doesn’t do her any favors.   I often read references to her as being ‘gorgeous’ but I don’t see it.

    • Scarlet39

      Aside from the hair, this is one of the few times that I actually like what she’s wearing!

    • Judy_S

      The dress looks like a melted-down Tiffany window. I can see Helen Mirren in it because she has the personality to outpower it, but I think the spaniel looks OK.

    • LesYeuxHiboux

      I don’t think that’s anyone’s dress, unless they’ve resurrected Queen Elizabeth.

    • sk8tfan

      she needs to hire Stacy Keibler’s stylist, stat. I’ve never seen such a beautiful woman make such hideous fashion choices.

    • ballerinawithagun

      I think the dress belongs to Florence. I’m fantasizing about a shoot with her red hair fan-blown against those greens and blues. Florence looks good in an overdone dress.

    • Jessica TallGirl Freeman

      Also, girl that is not your hair (as in, get rid of those god forsaken bangs already) and how many incarnations of this shoe do you plan on wearing?  She looks terribly dressed at every event. It’s becoming sad. 

    • GTrain

      Love the shoes. 

    • PinkLemon

      i can’t with the nails.

    • Funkykatt

      She sure shows up in a lot of ‘not your dress’ posts.

    • foodycatAlicia

      I love that shade of nailpolish. But the bag is too matchy and the hair should be up.

    • Kayceed

      I always think she’s going for a Lou Doillon-type look, but can’t quite get there.

    • SapphoPoet

      Sad hair.

    • EEKstl

      Ya know what, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say if she’d ditched the cocker spaniel hair for a chic chignon (say that three times fast!), this would have worked for me.  Love the fabric and the shoes really work here; even the mani is working for me.

    • pookiesmom

      Huh. I kinda think she looks great, actually.

    • PastryGoddess

      I’m sorry but whenever I see her I just think she has the charisma of a old moldy blanket.

      She never has on a “damn I look good smirk”, but more of a “hey, hi, um…aren’t I pretty smile”  

    • MintaHallWriter

      You know, that dress looks BETTER on her than on the runway model. Which, given the result should speak to how overwrought the dress is. This look started off with a bad choice of dress and went downhill from there. Nails & cocktail ring were kinda cute though…

    • Courtney

      *pops head up and wipes drool from mouth* Oh Im sorry, the mere mention of Jessica Biel’s style puts me to sleep.

    • ChelseaNH

      Even worse, those are not her bangs.

    • TheDivineMissAnn

      Love the print, hate the style.  And she really looks bad in it – especially in the first picture.

    • karena10

      Oh, her nails were blue?  I was too busy looking at the ring.

    • Judih1

      Looks too dowdy on her and she looks uncomfortable.Too much going on – hair, hem, ruffles, busy fabric, two tone shoes!

    • nannypoo

      She’s climbing up my Irrational Dislike list. I hate the hair even more than I hate the dress.

    • victoria rodeno

      Her face looks scary. Too skinny.

    • MinAgain

      Better hair and a slightly shorter hem, and I’m giving this one an IN.

    • Trisha26

      Too much volume everywhere & the matchiness is OTT.

    • Lisa

      You know, the styling may not work, but she’s absolutely found her colors – she looks stunning in the blues and greens.  They’re just on the wrong dress.

    • Maurice Depestre

      I just don’t understand how such a strikingly beautiful woman always seems to appear so insipid. The dress is wearing her.

    • unbornfawn

      Those shoes are great.

    • lucasuk82

      I think Mirren has better taste – love the shoes.

    • DylanCurtis

      I think if her hair was up/back it would’ve looked better. She tried though.

    • quiltrx

      Does this bitch EVER wear “her” dress???

    • guest2visits

      I think the avalanche of ruffles on the bottom did it in. She looks good but the dress looks a bit frumpy.

    • Vera

      She looks pretty good. I agree that it would look better if her hair were up, but the colors really work for her, and I love the shoes.

    • Carlos Abreu

      i like it… i think u guys were drunk while looking at it… she looks wonderful and the dress is cool… she didnt exagerate on the shoes and jewelry cause it has such a strong vibe per se… she looks beautiful… it may not be the best dressed list, but she’s definetly not on the worst list…

    • Carlos Abreu

      what’s up with the hair obsession… she wasnt going into some gala, cerimony or the oscars… i think the  hair  looks easy healthy and wonderful for the occasion… 

    • Tinker Bell

      When it comes to Jessica Biel, why don’t we just all assume that every dress she wears is not her dress? Is it really something that still needs to be said? And when she finally wears one that looks halfway decent, you can post it up under ‘Girl, that actually is kind of your dress’.

    • Carlos Abreu

      she’s really a bad actress, but she’s not that bad assets wise…

    • DCSheehan

      Her hair is crazy and crazy for this dress.

    • YousmelllikeAnnaWintour

      Are they remaking “Working Girl”?

    • Rebecca Jay

      What a gorgeous dress.  I would wear that every single day.