Chloe Sevigny in Valentino

Posted on October 15, 2012

This dress is so ridiculous that we almost feel a Chloe’s Alters post is beside the point. But you know us; we’ll never miss an opportunity to meet another of Chloe’s alters. This one’s relatively straightforward.

 

Chloe Sevigny attends the premiere of ‘American Horror Story: Asylum’ in Hollywood, California in a Valentino dress.

Valentino Pre-Fall 2012 Collection/Model: Zuzanna Bijoch

Meet Tiffany.

Tiffany is allergic to jewelry, has an addiction to hair gel, and an overwhelming urge to show people her ass crack. Tiffany suffers from the most advanced case of Virgin/Whore Complex any of her many therapists have ever seen. Tiffany spends her days scouring online auction sites and buying up every used wedding dress she can find. She spends her nights ripping them apart and awkwardly sewing the parts onto her favorite slutty dresses so she can hit the town and enjoy the confused looks of passersby. Tiffany likes picking up random men, taking them home to her bedroom, which is decorated like a cross between a dungeon and a honeymoon suite, tying them up, and then dressing them in nipple clamps and top hats and forcing them to watch as she does a strip tease to Handel’s Water Music Suite and shouts bad puns, like “With this cock ring, I thee bed!” or “Here COMES the bride!”

 

[Photo Credit: Getty, style.com]

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  • Taylor Cook

    Looks like she finally got that Valentino dress she was bitching about.

  • http://twitter.com/jeremiahcapz Jeremiah Capacillo

    I lost it at “Here COMES the bride”.

  • teensmom99

    And here I thought it was an assymetrical blouse for a member of the ensemble in the rejected dungeon scene from Wicked.

  • StellaZafella

    I’ve met Tiffany.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    Is Tiffany secretly a daughter of one of the Robert Palmer girls?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonika-Tannous/1159464315 Jonika Tannous

    It’s like she didn’t know what to be for Halloween. The age old question of Disney princess or street whore… So she just went with both

  • BazoDee

    I have never before noticed her amazing legs! The dress fit is really good even if it is waaay too short. Get rid of the white sleeve and do something with hair and make-up we would have something -although then it would be something boring. This is far better than her usual cray-cray because it is actually flattering. 

    • http://eclectictsunami.blogspot.com/ Cassie

      Yeah, her legs are RIDICULOUS. Her whole body is really amazing, actually. You wouldn’t know it from the insane crap she usually puts on it, heh.

    • MissAnnieRN

      Yeah – her legs are always the first thing I notice about her.  If I had those legs, I’d be wearing dresses this short too.

      Move over, Heidi Klum, your legs are not the best in town.

    • kimmeister

      No kidding – I immediately went “DANG if her legs don’t look good!”

  • http://twitter.com/PhDKnitter marlie

    I’m so OVER her. 

    AND: This dress is ridiculous.

    • julnyes

      Funnily enough the sheer level of ridiculous she always brings to the red carpet is exactly why I will never be over her.

      • http://twitter.com/PhDKnitter marlie

        You do have a point there. Every one of her appearances does guarantee a laugh or a “WTF?” of some sort.

        • julnyes

          I prefer a chuckle over a yawn.

  • http://twitter.com/cornekopia Shawn EH

    “Always a bridesmaid” reaches a whole new level … of terror!

    • librarygrrl64

      Hahahaha!

  • charlotte

    How can anyone possibly think that I-just-went-swimming hair is a good idea? Even Tiffany.

  • http://twitter.com/almcafee Alison McAfee

    love the dress, despise the hair. keep it crazy, home girl.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=500561736 David Navarro McDonald

    I just died reading this.  Love the Chloe posts!

  • IAmJ

    I’ll never get enough of your Chloe Sevigny posts.

  • kategs

    She’s got terrific gams but that just isn’t the dress to show them off. 

  • http://joyouslifesf.wordpress.com Kiltdntiltd

    The ultimate WTF, is the shot with the model styled in those amazingly awful, putty colored booties. (hurling silently).  And I agree with Stella, I think I’ve met her.

  • ballerinawithagun

    Horror story and asylum fit so well with this dress. Reminds me of the 1/2 man 1/2 woman costumes. If only she would have done her hair and make-up in the appropriate manner for each side!

    • Lily-Rygh

       HA!  She missed a real opportunity to wear half a top hat and half a bridal veil, one white satin pump and one black oxford.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=639062430 Sara Padilla

    If the Molly Ringwald character from “Pretty In Pink” had actually grown up to be a designer, this would have been her signature look on Project Runway.

    • sanja_ramic

      I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought of “Pretty in Pink” when I saw that dress.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=639062430 Sara Padilla

        Even Duckie would be asking her to get over the lace, and for pity’s sake, consider proportion as an element of design.

  • Scarlet39

    If a dress can actually be stupid, this one is.

  • afabulous50

    What’s sad is Valentino actually making this dress…that’s the sad part.

    • Call me Bee

      Yeah–I thought that, too.  Hard to believe. 

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        I thought “WTF????” as soon as I saw this was a Valentino.  Please tell me it was actually designed for Val N. Teeno, an impostor and failed contestant for season 10 of PR.

  • Rand Ortega

    CAN’T. STOP. LAUGHING!
    I would pay real $ to see an entire comic book series, “Chloe & the Alters”. Alex, are you listening?
    Can’t believe that dress is Valentino. GAAAAWWWD!

    • Pinup Ghoul

       Yes! Whatever happened to Alex? His comics were BRILLIANT.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1208138556 Sara Munoz Munoz

        He’s helping with the TLo book, i think they said…

  • librarygrrl64

    That dress is an Italian Horror Story.

  • beebee10

    your genius continues to inspire

  • butterflysunita

    Tiffany is my favorite Chloe alter so far!
    Though given the name of the movie, the dress is perfectly event appropriate.  

  • MilaXX

    Really, when the dress looks like this, the story practically writes itself. I have to give it to Chloe, the only place appropriate to wear this dress would be an American Horror Story premiere.

  • http://twitter.com/urban_gypsy Tess Danesi

    Best alter post ever. Chloe gave you great material to work with but you guys really WERQed it. I need to remember “with this cockring, I thee bed,” never know when I’ll find an occasion to use that one!

    The dress is so schizophrenic I can’t get over it being Valentino. Also, I don’t think Chloe has the bone structure for such severe hair unless it’s just all the product making it look horribly greasy.

  • MoHub

    “You know: I’m a rather brilliant surgeon. I could do something about that hump.”

    • Anathema_Device

      Like x 1,000 for a Young Frankenstein quote!

    • Call me Bee

      “What hump?”  Ahahahahahaha…. sigh. 

      • bitchybitchybitchy

        It’s going to be a long night-if you need any help with the girls…..

  • mmc2315

    Tragic.  

  • Imasewsure

    The most crack-tastic Frankendress ever… love that it is paired with hideous putty boots on the model…. rock on Chloe… you are a beautiful nut job (but at least you paired it with the right shoes!)

  • BeeBeauNYC

    American Horror Story is so up her alley. 

    • bitchybitchybitchy

      So true. Shouldn’t Chloe or one of her alters show up this season as a long lost love child of Jessica Lange’s character?

  • IMNAngryLiberal

    And a big thumbs down to Valentino for designing this shmata.

  • greyhoundgirl

    Two!  Two! Two mints in one!

    • MoHub

       But which part is the breath mint, and which is the candy mint?

      • greyhoundgirl

        Now that is a question worth pondering!

  • MissAnnieRN

    I really hope there is an entire chapter in your forthcoming book dedicated to Chloe’s alters.  The writing kills me.  So creative you are boys.

  • Anathema_Device

    Oy, this reminds me of my daughter’s angel/devil costume for Halloween when she was in 3rd grade*. The biggest disappointment is that this is a Valentino.

    *ETA: the halfsies of it, not the sluttiness!!

  • oohsparkley!

    Sounds like Tlo has been reading Chloe’s diary!

  • http://asskickingadviser.com/ Ass Kicking Adviser

    Nipple clamps and top hats – oh geez you two are frickin’ hilarious!

  • jw_ny

    Valentino should be slapped (hard!) for designing that, for allowing those lacking in taste/common sense to wear it, and for subjecting the rest of us to have to look at it. 

  • LuluBI

    Hahahahah. That dress is an American Horror Show. 

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VZLU6YVO4BRTELTTH3GRAAMWZQ Dot

    The dress is so ridiculous, but I must ask how does one even sit down in something like this? Why the fuck would anyone style their hair this way — with sideburns?? I’m just confused.

    • Pinup Ghoul

       I think she was going for that oh-so-classic ‘sweaty flapper’ look. The Unsinkable Molly Brown just sank.*

      *I know Brown wasn’t a flapper and that it was about 15 years too early for flappers to even be ‘a thing’, but I couldn’t resist.

  • Scimommy

    Ok, I am now convinced that Chloe reads you guys. There’s no other explanation. She’s all, they want split personality? I’ll give them split personality!

    Hi Chloe (& Co)! Looking good!

  • YousmelllikeAnnaWintour

    I really am stunned that VALENTINO churned out this piece of crap!

  • http://twitter.com/foodycatAlicia foodycatAlicia

    Oh man, I was going bierkeller waitress by day, hooker by night! Anyhoodle, I am in awe of her body but hate every stitch of clothing she ever wears.

    • Winter_White

      At this point, I think everything she wears is a wink, and an offering, to T Lo.  She craves their attention, no?

      (Thanks for “anyhoodle.”  That, accompanied by a world-weary sigh, is going to be my new thing.)

  • tereliz

    Why does she look so greasy? The wet hair look only works when your face is matte. It looks like she’s been running from psychopaths. 

    And FUGH. That is the ugliest Valentino I’ve ever seen. Ask, and ye shall receive, Tiffani. Oops, I mean Chloe. 

  • ZnSD

    Russian prostitute.

  • Call me Bee

    “Asylum” is the perfect place for this WTF dress. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/bert.keeter Bert Keeter

    Usually LUV Valentino..but this dress has an identity crisis going on…sweet or slutty?

  • GorgeousThings

    I could actually ALMOST get behind this look (pardon the pun) if it weren’t for that damned sleeve. Seriously? I wore that kind of sleeve (in silk satin, not voile) on my wedding dress back in 1985. The rest of the dress could be kind of cute. And I really like the runway styling with the silly putty booties.

    But no, Tiffany doesn’t do it the justice it needs, alas.

    • MoHub

       But I bet you wedding dress had two sleeves like that. Makes a huge difference.

  • formerlyAnon

    She’s got the body for this dress, but even cloaked in the chuckles of an alter story (gotta be a pun on fairy tale one could get out of that, were one cleverer than I) this dress is just a no for me.

  • B_C_J

    Atrocious dress – The white mushroom cloud on her shoulder is horrible. The construction around the button closure looks abysmal. The length of the dress is ridiculous. Certainly it will not allow  the wearer to sit without running the risk of exposure. Burn it.

  • B_C_J

    Is this a current (2012?)  Valentino?  Valentino sold his company in 2008 so if this is a new dress, he did not design it. However, he is probably vomiting after seeing it and realizing it bears his name.

  • kirkyo

    This is just ugly and lacks LOL value, like that blue pantsuit http://www.tomandlorenzo.com/2011/12/chloe-sevigny-in-nyc.html
     

  • http://twitter.com/cuordipolvere V.

    Is it just me or does the model look like Florence Welch?

  • granddelusion

    Hahahahaha! Her hair’s a mess, too.

  • http://phantomminuet.blogspot.com/ MinAgain

    Is she color-blind?  Because that’s the only thing that can explain her horrible taste in lip color.

  • l_c_ann

    In a similar vein to comments below, how special is it when they make a backdrop (American Horror Story) just for her and her dress?

  • http://twitter.com/nevareese Neva Reese

    Go and get that Valentino, Tiff!

  • MmmmmmmmK

    It goes without saying that Tiffany’s only nod to accessorizing is heart-shaped vajazzling.

  • jmorino08

    Before I read the brilliant description of Tiffany, I was thinking, “Did the people at Valentino just rip the sleeve off an 80s wedding dress and sew it on to a black lace teddy they picked up from Frederick’s of Hollywood?”

    Maybe I have a career of a multiple-personalities specialist in my future…

  • Pinup Ghoul

    Tiffany is also an amateur figure skater and wants desperately to start a local ice-derby league, but no one will show up for more than one practice. 

  • neofashionista

    love Every work gentlemen Thank You!

  • Lilak

    “Girl, that’s not A dress” …. and those plain black pumps only call extra attention to it.

    I’d be OK with this – even with the shoulder excrescence (though maybe only on the Sev) – if it were the length of a, you know, dress. 

  • pugluv

    I just love your alter ego commentaries…so clever and so very funny!!!!!!!!!!!

  • http://twitter.com/Alloyjane Alloy Jane

    Just because it’s beside the point doesn’t mean it isn’t worthwhile.  Oh those alters sure do send me.

    But I’ll be damned if Tiffany doesn’t look like she’s just transitioning from drowned hooker to heavenly angel.

  • JaneDC

    Tiffany considers it a point of pride that she does not own a full length mirror. Or shampoo.

  • quiltrx

    LMAO Tiffany!  And Valentino should be ashamed of this fugly dress.  It’s absolutely awful.

    I bet at least 5 people saw Tiffany’s cooter that night.

  • Trisha26

    HAHAHA! TLo! The best I came up with is slutty Evil Queen/Snow White. 

  • alwaysanswerb

    “Model: Zuzanna Bijoch”
    aka Florence Welch, hello!

  • guest2visits

    Happy Halloween!   This could possibly show up at our door.

  • ojosazules

    This looks like an alter battle that no one is winning. 
    It looks sooo bad from the back. And it looks like someone jacked her wig on the way to the event. 

  • YourBaloneyDontGotNoSecondName

    god, i want her to be my husband so bad!

  • http://vhanna26.typepad.com Vera

    Tragic.

  • http://twitter.com/ann_bagley Ann Bagley

    It is a Halloween costume, right?  Please let that be a Halloween costume!

  • piecesofconfetti

    Is she incapable of having nice hair and makeup?

  • rkdgal

    Spit take! (or is that Tiffany’s line?)