Just remember, kittens. They did a stiltwalker challenge once.
“Designers, welcome to Babies R Us, the store with the grammatically dubious name that none of you have ever entered! And check out Heidi’s fucked up eye makeup while you’re here!”
“I let one of my children apply it!”
“You will be providing slave labor for Heidi’s latest attempt to squeeze every last dollar out of the Project Runway viewership!”
“Because I’m a MOM! These tits have gone from the Victoria’s Secret runway straight to my babies’ mouths and SOMEONE IS GOING TO PAY FOR THAT!”
“Here are your clients, along with their somewhat stylish mothers, who have all been coached to be kind of bitchy to you!”
“That’s right, Tim! We Mommies work very hard, and sometimes we just don’t have the time to shop for over-priced clothes for our little darlings to shit and puke all over!”
Like we said, the stiltwalker challenge will always be the low point for stupid shit on this show. Not that we have anything against baby clothes, but this is not what we signed on for when we jumped on the PR train, and we think it’s fair to say it’s not what any of these designers signed on for either. Baby clothes, while adorable, are so far removed from the world of the runway that we can’t really take any of this seriously.
But we wouldn’t be a bit surprised, given Heidi’s penchant for monetizing every aspect of her life, and given Lifetime’s demographic and its need to milk every last cent out of the franchise, if somewhere behind the scenes, a Project Runway, Jr. show isn’t being pitched at the moment.
This was just silly reality show shit. And it had the stench of editing all over it. If those designers, who are so close to the tents at Lincoln Center and a shot at the big prize right now that they’d slap a real baby, really had to deal with screaming dolls as much as the editing implied, they all would have been a lot more angry about it.
Elena mostly joked about it, but you know if she was on deadline and her time was being eaten up by tending to one of those little succubi, she would have behaved in a manner that would make your average CPS worker nauseous. No, it was just silly staging that had nothing to do with the actual challenge. It would have been better if they’d given the designers a day off and had them babysit their clients, just to see what it’s like to deal with a needy little poop machine all day.
And don’t get us started on THIS one, whose only contributions were a highly dubious pair of sequined pants and a judging criterion that amounted to “I would buy this for my son. Did I mention my son yet? Because I have a son.”
So once again, congratulations are in order for Christopher, just so he can do his beauty queen schtick. “Me? You chose me? Oh, I just can’t believe it! I just keep winning, don’t I?”
We thought the praise for this was wildly overstated. It’s cute, but ridiculously impractical. Not just because it’s white, but because all those tacked-on flowers and leaves are going to make wonderful gutters for catching every bit of stray food and baby spew. And they sure don’t look like they’re going to hold up to repeated washings. In fact, they were already looking pretty ragged by the time she reached the end of the runway. Also, what was the deal with the collars last night? We kept screaming “BABIES HAVE NO NECKS, YOU IDIOTS” every time someone unveiled some big-ass collar. She doesn’t look she can move much in that thing, but then again, that could be a selling point. “Restrict your baby’s movements – with style!”
Also, Heidi practically dictated this design to Christopher and then changed all the white to dark denim for the final product, which means Christopher won for doing pretty much nothing.
Mommy’s dress? Eh. It’s fine, but it didn’t really take her shape into account and the fabric is kind of ugly.
And congrats are also in order for Sonjia!
Let’s face it: her model won it for her. The judges were in love with him.
The jacket is really cute, as is the onesie, but the colors were so drab-looking. It’s marketable and salable, but we didn’t think it was the best boyswear look on the runway. We think the judges loved Little Mr. WERQit here and also liked what she did with the mom’s outfit, which was kind of stylish and easy to wear.
And it’s Auf Wiedersehen to Elena, who made her baby look like she got her clothes from Goodwill.
Okay, maybe that’s a little mean, but we think the Duchess was dead-on when he said she looked like a baby sample sale. None of those pieces really had anything to do with the others and we don’t think Elena would have made that mistake if she was dressing an adult. The pants were weirdly shaped and the jacket was highly impractical.BABIES DON’T HAVE NECKS. Or really, much in the way of shoulders. They’re shaped like flour sacks with little sausage limbs and a giant head.
Surprisingly, Mom’s outfit was kind of cute and chic, while still looking comfortable and easy to wear, which are not things we normally say about Elena’s designs. Maybe she’s better when she doesn’t have time to overthink things.
But she wouldn’t have been our choice for the Auf. Melissa was kept in because the judges like her prior output more than Elena’s. It’s as simple as that. They always claim they take each designer on a week by week basis, but we just laugh loud and long whenever they say that because the entire history of the show proves otherwise.
[Photo Credit: Barbara Nitke for myLifetime.com - Stills: tomandlorenzo.com]