Girl, That’s Not Your Dress: Penelope Cruz

Posted on September 18, 2012

Oh, PennyChica. This is so wrong.


Penelope Cruz attends the premiere of ‘Twice Born’ during the 2012 Toronto International Film Festival in a vintage Atelier Versace gown paired with Swarovski jewelry.

First, there’s the Barbie-Pink color. That’s not working with your skin tone, dear. Second, that bust is for the gals with the smaller shelves. You can’t add that much twist and drape to a set of boobs that really don’t need any help getting attention on their own. Third, there’s the ruching on half of the torso, which causes a nice little trompe l’oeil effect that adds extra inches exactly where most ladies would never want extra inches added. And finally, there’s the mega-high slit, which throws the whole thing off, proportionally. Basically, this dress looks like you put it on in the dark and got it all twisted up.

Sweetie, pack this dress up and send it off to … well, it doesn’t really matter. Just pack it up and get it out of your life.


[Photo Credit: Getty]

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  • kschwarting

    I actually flinched when I looked at the top photo.  What a shame.  That hair doesn’t help either, and what on earth is up with her blush?

    • Looks like she went a bit much with bronzer. See the side of her forehead? Yikes.

      • And the MAKE UP. Good lord, THE MAKE UP. Is that…is that BROW CONTOURING?

    •  I just noticed that. Someone overdid it on the contouring on the cheeks and the hairline.

    • margaret meyers

      Hard to believe that dress is Versace. 

      • James Mintz

        It was hard to believe that wasn’t Lea Michelle. 

        • Cathy S

           On Lea it would have gotten an “of course.”

        • LOL, as I was looking through the pictures I was thinking the same thing.  Let this dress go off to Lea.  It’ll still suck on her too, but it’s at least what we expect out of her!

    • She needs to fire everyone involved with these decisions… That blush/contour, that hair, and the dress are all horrific and shocking for someone who’s been in the public eye for so long.

  • SapphoPoet

    “Basically, this dress looks like you put it on in the dark and got it all twisted up.” 

    And then tripped over your shoes, ripping the slit a lot higher than you wanted it to go. 

  • Sobaika

    Guilty on all counts. Also that terribly un-blended makeup. Fire them, Penny.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    And the MAKE UP. Good lord, THE MAKE UP. Is that…is that BROW CONTOURING? 

    My eyes!

  • agentilities

    oh lawd!

  • I see half a bathing suit, half a gown. This is never good. 

    • AudreysMom

      I see coffin lining. Also never good.

  • hughman

    OMG, from the thumbnail on the front I thought it was Lea Michele.

    • oatmealpie

      Me too!

    • tereliz

      Ha ha, that’s who I was thinking she ought to pack the gown off to. Lea wouldn’t look any better, but at least we wouldn’t be scratching our heads. You’re better than this, Penelope! 

      •  Lea would probably like this gown a lot, but my first thought was it needed to go to JLo.  Not that it would look good on either of them, mind you, but each one would BELIEVE she looked good with all her heart.

    •  I did too.

    • mom2ajs5

       Me too!

  • Patricia Gillett

    The height of the slit made this one cross from “unfortunate” to “trashy” territory. The ruching cheapens it further and the mermaid hair put this look out of reach for any redemption. 

    Grab the remote and good book, Penny. It’s clearly a night where you would be better off staying in. 

    • Kayceed

      Yes – this looks like a cheap knock-off of a Versace.

  • Judy_S

    Problem is, it’s not anybody’s dress, is it? I think she does as much as anyone can for it. But the color is bad on her and the makeup doesn’t help at all.

  • butterflysunita

    I agree that the dress is totally wrong on her and also rather ugly.  Surprisingly, she looks gorgeous anyway.  

  • ChiKat67

    How much do you want to bet that Mariah Carey turns up in this dress?

    • jblaked

      Or Lea Michelle.

    • NC_Meg

      omg, yes. This is SUCH a Mariah Carey dress.

  • Meg0GayGuys6

    You know your slit is to high when….

    … you can see your tan line
    … you can see the point where your legs meet

    • 3boysful

       Oh my.

    • AgingWell

       Yup. Confess I studied pic #4 a bit too closely, in disbelief mind you.

  • TAGinMO

    The person to pack this dress up and send it off to would be Lea Michele. Of course.

  • Carla_Charlton

    The 4th photo, with the closer view of the ruching, brought to mind a dust ruffle that my grandmother made for me when I was in junior high…

  • Judy_J

    She looks like one of the girls on Sabado Gigante.

  • dorothea_brooke

    She’s too busy having hot sex with her hot husband to care.  Bitch.  

    • ojosazules

      The hottest husband of all. 

    • makeityourself

      Too lazy to verify it, but isn’t she pregnant with baby 2 right now?

  • julnyes

    I did not know it was possible to do that much wrong to a woman who is naturally beautiful.

  • Jangle57

    This is just so wrong on so many counts.  And then when I realized in the one shot it looks like you can see her pubic region, I about choked.  No one needs to see that much of anyone.   Burn it.

  • TonyGo

    She looks like a presenter at the AVN Awards.

  • lilibetp

    It’s also not her hair or makeup.

  • 3boysful

    Not to mention that the bodice looks all complicated to get into.

  • Send it to Lea Michele!  Who it is equally terrible for.  You know she’d take this thing, drop the bustline so her boobs were just screaming for a wardrobe malfunction and strut that red carpet like she was made for it!

  • ojosazules

    This dress is unusual for Penelope! It’s tacky! It makes her look fat! What the hell!

  • Pack it up and set it on fire. Shot it out to space to keep Gene Roddenberry company.

    • NC_Meg

      I thought the same exact thing! Pack it up and send it to a bon fire.

    • Celandine1

       Gene Roddenberry never did anything to deserve that cruel fate!

  • Beth G

    I thought it was Rachel Barry… I mean…. “Of Course”

  • allyc

    I have a feeling this fit much better when she had it fitted a few months ago. I saw a side angle of her in this (maybe from the Fug Girls?) and homegirl looks…with child. Or maybe she had an awesome breakfast buffet. Either way, that’s her business, but this dress is SO BAD and now she’s made it our business. *sigh*

    • you’renotmysupervisor!!

      This dress did seem to spawn a lot of “is she or isn’t she” comments on other sites.  

      and now i’m craving a breakfast buffet…at 4 in the afternoon!

  • YousmelllikeAnnaWintour

    Send it to Pamela Anderson!

    • 3boysful

       Good thought, but not sure this dress is up to the heavy lifting . . . .

  • And is that a bruise or a birthmark on her thigh? 

  • Stuck_on_Mute

    To be fair, in most of the pics she looks like she knows this isn’t her dress

  • schadenfreudelicious

    while i have no doubt that Penelope’s china is realy, really good, i feel like it’s getting too much of an airing here….

  • MilaXX

    Might I add the makeup and hair are also hiddy?

    • margaret meyers

      Yeah.  It’s all bad.

  • Rand Ortega

    This just hurts. Too see such a goddess so ill attired is so painful. I have to go.

  • mhleta

    Who did this to her?!? Her makeup is equally as dreadful. She needs to put a flaming bag of dog poop on her stylist’s doorstep. Honestly this is an awful thing to do to a splendid Latina goddess.

  • Plus terrible side-hair. FAIL

  • Anathema_Device

    Wow. Everything single thing about this look is wrong, including the middle-school hair and the orange blush. Everything about this looks cheap and tacky, which are two words I wouldn’t normally use to describe a Cruz outfit. 

  • LesYeuxHiboux

    That slit is ridiculous. She is such a gorgeous woman, she should never look this bad. She should also never wear stick-straight hair hanging down like this. She has strong features and bigger is better where her hair is concerned.  Ugh, it really does look like she is wearing someone else’s dress.

  • BeeBeauNYC

    Angelina Jolie is not done with the fashion world yet – next up – pelvic dress slits!

  • greyhoundgirl

    Too tight.  The slit in the skirt became a gap.

  • crash1212

    You know, I love this dress if for no other reason than to illustrate that the wrong clothing can make even an absolutely gorgeous woman look like hell. I think she should burn it rather than send it on to ruin another. Note: Anytime you flash inner thigh as you walk, the slit is too damned high.

  • Painful.

  • Sarah Thomas

    Stacy Kiebler, is about the only person I can think of who might pull this off. 

    • On Stacy Kiebler, that slit would go up to her navel.

  • prettybigkitty

    Demi Lovato, your future is calling, and it looks like this.  Almost exactly.

  • sashaychante


  • A little lighter on the bronzer next time, honey.

  • Wow. That is shockingly bad. That slit is so high, I can almost tell whether she’s wearing undies or not. 

  • fringebenefit

    I would go so far as to say this is nobody’s dress. At least no one with an ounce of dignity.

  • TheOriginalLulu

    Ew. No snaps.
    The dress, the hair, the garish make-up…it’s all wrong. So, so wrong. 🙁

  • pugluv

    and her make up does her NO favors….

  • littlemissstrange

    Seriously? Fuck that pig dress. That is not anybody’s dress. That is the dress of Satan.

    • PinkLemon

       now that you’ve mentioned it………..miss piggy might be the ONLY bitch that can make this werq.

  • teensmom99

    & while you’re at it, sweetie, do something about your hair.  Stick straight is not your friend.

  • Oh my god. Did she and her stylist have an argument? No, no, NO.

  • j_anson

    Oh no. No. Oh dear.

  • snarkykitten

    no no no no no no

  • dschubba

    I’m sorry I criticized her for always going back to the ruffly/feather-embellished strapless mermaid gowns. You were right, Nelly.

  • There’s definitely at least one element too much in this dress. The slit DEFINITELY needs to go down a bit, and one of the elements around the shoulders needs to go – maybe the halter strap. The color doesn’t bother me that much, nor does the ruching, though it could have been executed better.

  • EEKstl

    She so rarely gets it so wrong.

  • bitterk

    Adios mio

  • Oh, my.  Nooooo…..

  • Our next performer in the ballroom dance competition is Penelope! Penelope, where’s your partner? 

  • PastryGoddess

    That dress belongs to a pale blond, not a sexy spanish chica like Penny.  

    This is so so so bad, sorry Penny, maybe next time

  • BrooklynBomber

    This is Mariah Carey’s dress (though it shouldn’t be).

    • HAHAHA so accurate.

    • pookiesmom


  • Zippypie

    Oh, I don’t want to see her left inner thigh.  I really don’t.

  • SewingSiren

    If it wasn’t for the horrid slit , it would be okay. But that slit is  too of course Versace.

  • also, that much bronze contouring make-up makes it look like you’ve got a spray tan that’s fading…

  • butter nut

    it’s a sideways dress with a tit reveal.  no no, miss chica.  no no.

  • Isn’t that a total Lea Michele dress?

  • bellafigura1

    As my sainted Sicilian mother used to say, Oo-fah.

  • quiltrx

    I don’t like that pin-straight hair, either.  I bet Javier tried to talk her out of this one.

  • Little_Olive

    It is indeed not P’s dress. It’s JLo’s.

  • PhillipWilde

    And to top it all off, if it didn’t have that slit, this dress would look like an uncircumcised penis.  Just sayin’.

  • kelsita421

    i don’t think that’s anybody’s dress. yuck.

  • PeaceBang

    Burn it. 

  • Carlos Abreu

    this is one of the worst looks i’ve seen this year… only thing i can think of is SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT
    and sorry to all the classy sluts cause there are planty… not this one… bitch

  • Man, thanks guys, this is so bad I literally laughed out loud for a while.  She looks like a deflated bubble gum bubble.  And the hair, lol.  Her hair screams in protest of the porn-star side swipe.  You know exactly what I’m talking about.  Yeah, so we need to have a subdivision of That is Not Your Dress called LOL.  Because there are some looks that are bad that are cringe-worthy, some that make you scratch your head, and some that just make you laugh.  And because i can see the inside of her non-slitted thigh, I laugh.

    • yes, when you can see the back of your upper thigh through the slit in the front of your dress, you know you’re in trouble.

  • The top part says:  I’m a halter, no, I’m a spaghetti strap, no, I’m a twisted bustier!    All I can say is:  Oh no.

  • oohsparkley!

    At first I thought that it wasn’t THAT bad.  But after reading all the comments and looking again – it is.  That slit is slutty.  Someone said pink penis and someone else said deflated bubble bubblegum and now I can’t defend it.

  • Awful color.  Looks like Pepto Bismol.

  • SophieCollier

    That is Atelier Versace?  That is a horrible dress for ANYONE.  It looks like a cheapo Fredricks of Hollywood dress.

  • Melissa Brogan

    She must have pissed off her stylist, cause girl is a head to toe mess.

  • ccm800

    AND it plants her in the ground like a fireplug