Good morning, kittens. We have something of an Olympics hangover this morning. You spend 3 hours tweeting your every brain fart during the closing ceremonies and see how you feel. We dreamed of newspaper-covered people and Brazilians with bad microphones all night.
Thankfully, in the middle of all the puzzlement, the zenith of human culture was reached.
Victoria Beckham, Geri Halliwell, Emma Bunton, Melanie Chisholm and Melanie Brown of The Spice Girls perform during the Olympic Games Closing Ceremony in London.
The Girls of Spice returned.
Children wept. Old men fell to their knees in gratitude.
The entirety of western civilization paused and held its breath, wondering if one of these Holy Ladies was going to go ass-over-teakettle off the top of a London cab in front of a crowd of hundreds of millions.
Let’s assess them all, shall we?
Victoria Beckham in Giles Deacon
Vicki, of course, did better than the rest of them, fashion-wise. We would expect no less from her. Frankly we were surprised to see her so animated. She hasn’t moved that much in years. We were seriously afraid a limb was gonna break off and go flying into the crowd. It’s not much of a dress for performing, but at least it’s chic.
Geri Halliwell in Suzanne Neville
Oh, Ginger. Never change. Actually, you can change one thing: your hair. What’s the point of having two blonde Spice Girls, we ask you? Ginger Spice needs to be ginger. A cute red dress isn’t going to change that.
Emma Bunton in Maggie Cooke
It’s comforting to know that Baby still doesn’t know how to dress herself.
Melanie Chisholm in JD Sports
Ugh. Come on, Sporty. You’re at THE OLYMPICS. This is tailor-made for your persona and the best you can do is this minimalist take on chavs? VERY disappointing.
Melanie Brown in Zuhair Murad
Scary BROUGHT IT. She seemed to be the only one who understood they were PERFORMING for an AUDIENCE and that their image is all about glittery, tacky, exuberance and ’90s-style Girl Power. Vicki Posh may have brought the chic, but Scary brought the showmanship.
[Photo Credit: Getty]