PR: The Tracks of My Tears
And now, a melodrama, in three acts.
ACT 1: The Michael Kors flagship store, morning.
“Designers, welcome to the flagship store of Michael Kors!”
“Hi guys. Stay on the rug, please.”
“Designers, before we tell you about your next challenge, we have to tell you that Andrea bolted in the middle of the night without making her bed– ”
” — and has left the competition. Without making her bed! But Designers, DON’T WORRY; SHE’S FINE.”
“Designers, we rang her doorbell but she set some pitbulls loose on our producers, so we’re probably not going to get an explanation. Thankfully, designers, she wasn’t kidnapped in the middle of the night, like we originally hoped. THOUGHT! Like we originally thought, designers. But I know you can all pull together, designers! This will be tough for you all. I can only imagine the intense emotional pain you’re all feeling right now, but it’s time to, as I like to say, “MAKE I–”
“Well. Carry on, then. Designers.”
Act 2: The Parsons Workroom, later that same morning.
“Designers, gather ’round. I think you need some of my gentle, prodding love right now.”
“Tim, can I say something right now?”
“Well, actually, I wanted to –”
“I’m happy. I’m a good designer. I’m leaving.”
“WHAT THE FUCK, KOOAN.
Excuse me, I have to have a hasty, whispered meeting out in the hallway. Designers, say your final goodbyes to Kooan.”
“I – I’ll never get a chance to love him the way he really deserved to be loved.”
“I’ve never known a man as great, as strong, and as morally upright as you, Kooan.”
“Kooan, I’ve only known you a week at most, but I feel like someone just shot my grandmother in the face! I – I don’t know if I can go on.”
“Keep going, Kooan. You just keep going until you see mountains, and then you climb right over those mountains until you reach FREEDOM.”
“I’m taking emotional comfort from your body, Fabio.”
“Yeah, I saw that.”
“TAKE ME WITH YOU! I’LL CARRY YOUR BAGS, I’LL GIVE YOU MY FOOD! JUST PLEASE! PLEASE, PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU, KOOAN! I WILL NEVER KNOW A HUMAN BEING AS MAGNIFICENT AS YOU!”
“HA! Rein it in, you little narcissists. You’re going to be forced to attend parties and make public appearances with each other for the next 9 months at least.”
Act 3: The Parsons Workroom, even later that morning.
“Look, I know this morning’s been shot to hell, but can I have your attention one more time?”
“Kooan, really. You need to go now. Have some dignity. AND MAKE YOUR BED BEFORE YOU LEAVE. We’re not barbarians here.”
“Anyway, with Kooan finally gone, we can spread rumors in the press that he left because he was mentally unstable, not because he had too much self-regard to whore himself out for a measly hundred grand. Thankfully, we have someone who IS willing to do that. Welcome back, Raul!”
“It was a mistake! Someone else was supposed to go home instead of me! They never got to see what I could really do!
Can you guys lend me some fabric or something?”
“Forty minutes wasted on this bullshit when I could be drawing roses or draping. Human emotions are so strange to me.”
ANNNNNND Scene. That about says it all about these crackheads, wouldn’t you say?
So congratulations, Tootie! We knew you were going to win one soon. We could smell it.
It’s a great design and a wonderful way to showcase her skillset. The dictates of the challenge were ridiculously vague (“On the go!”), but somehow she sussed out what the judges wanted to see here. And while the challenge wasn’t strictly workwear to evening wear, that’s how pretty much everyone interpreted it. Personally, we think this looks pretty showy and impractical for workwear, but we’re not the judges, who are the only people who know what the hell the challenge is about – and even then, the three of them never agree. We love how clingy and sexy this dress is, but we think it might be a bit overdone, to the point that it looks like she’s suffering from a massive case of static cling. And it’s so … lumpy. She’s got a big twisted lump of fabric at her shoulder, a flouncy lump of fabric at her hip, and a bunch of criss-crossed fabric at her back. It looks great, but we imagine it’s annoying to sit down.
And, right on schedule, it’s Auf Wiedersehen to Buffi! Which is kind of a shame because we were just starting to like her.
The funny thing about this look is … well, everything. But the one we’re going to point out is that this really does look like something Buffi would wear. She might have saved herself if she’d styled the model to look more like her and come up with an energetic and funny pitch about her, going through her day on Project Runway, wearing this dress.
Not that we’re defending this shmatta – and never was that word more appropriately used – just that it was obvious the judges wanted to keep her in because of her personality, but she couldn’t even give them that on the runway.
She knew she had something indefensible. What she didn’t realize is that how you defend your work can sometimes push the judges one way or another in their decision-making. Maybe she was just burnt out after watching designers drop dead left and right. But we kinda don’t think so. She really wanted to stay, she just couldn’t give the judges what they wanted – in more ways than one.
[Photo Credit: Barbara Nitke for myLifetime.com - Stills: tomandlorenzo.com]