Meryl Streep Gets Assessed

Posted on August 07, 2012

Oh, Mary Louise. We love you. And we hope you realize that the following is said out of love. We also hope that our readers realize we don’t actually think you read us or care what we have to say about your clothes. But it’s fun to think so, yes?

 

Meryl Streep attends the ‘Hope Springs’ premiere at the SVA Theater in New York City in a red dress paired with Christian Louboutin shoes.

We’ll just say it. It’s not working, girl. Now we’re going to tell you why. Don’t worry, we made bullets! And because people get really mad at us when we suggest that you don’t really dress all that well, we’ll be kind and supportive. Wholesome, non-threatening gays, as it were.

Okay, here we go:

  • Finishing. Mary Louise, we think it’s safe to say that you are not a lady who wants to spend a lot of time fussing and worrying about how she looks. We totally support your blase attitude and we think you’re right to make the conversation about your talent, your experience, and your persona, NOT your looks. However, an actress still has to go out and get her picture taken every now and then, and among the most important times when this occurs are the premieres. You’re selling yourself and your movie, girl, so you’re gonna have to put aside your distaste for the poledance and just get to it. Which means sticking a pin in the neckline to make it more modest is absolutely not a good idea under any circumstances.
  • Shape. Honey, this dress isn’t the right shape and this is always a problem with you. The skirt flares out too much and the top half is too blousey. Tailoring is your friend and yet, for some reason, you have convinced yourself it’s your enemy. You have a history of wearing dresses with yards of surplus fabric to them and this one’s no exception. Imagine a top that is actually fitted to your proportions, darling. Or a skirt that doesn’t look like a tablecloth. Or perhaps a lovely pair of tailored pants, dear. There are options beyond the ’50s housewife silhouette you tend to favor.
  • Accessories. To be blunt: your choices in this arena are almost always questionable. A big-ass leather belt is not really what this dress was crying out for. In truth, it was crying out for a bonfire, but we’ll put that aside for now. Also: patent leather peeptoes – is this really what you wanted on your feet at this moment? Somehow, we don’t think so. There are more comfortable options that are more flattering for your feet. A lovely pair of slingbacks with a kitten heel, maybe; perhaps in a more neutral shade. Also: have some fun with your jewelry, dear. You can start by actually wearing some besides those hoops (which, incidentally, also don’t really suit you).
  • Color. Certainly, there’s nothing wrong with a stark red-and-black combo, but we question whether this is the best choice for someone with your Nordic coloring. Why not let go of the black, white, and red that you seem so married to and consider a dove-grey every now and then? Or a teal? Or aubergine? Oh, sweetie. There’s a world of color out there, just waiting for you to discover it.

We hope we haven’t ruined your day by being so critical, Meryl, but it was all said out of love and besides, you’ve never heard of us and will never read this, which saddens us, but at least we got to talk to you like we’re besties.

 

 

[Photo Credit: Larry Busacca/Getty Images]

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